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Thread: Rant: Being an emotional crutch/punching bag

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    Shinies Snatcher Post Crusader Keeroh's Avatar
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    Default Rant: Being an emotional crutch/punching bag

    Before I get into this, I do not mean anyone is literally punching/being punched in this situation. I figured after writing that it might be construed as a bit of a red flag for a title.
    Also, there's a TL;DR at the bottom if you want to skip all the rambling.

    So, I know this is definitely a situation a LOT of people are in. Who knows how it happens, perhaps it's just people who have a generally level-headed attitude, but we end up as the people that everyone dumps all their problems on. This is not a bad thing, per se. I myself enjoy being able to help my friends (or complete strangers who profess their horrifying life issues. It happens.). In general, you can bounce their ideas back and forth, help them figure out how to get through tough times or offer an outside opinion, and they will walk away better off and with more perspective.

    But then, you get the folks who are just looking for someone to use as an emotional punching bag. You may be familiar with them, they like to rant and rave and scream and shout, but whenever you offer advice they completely disregard it and then respond by talking about how helpless they are, how much you probably hate them for having problems, etc. This just happened to me today, and it hit an extreme that I can't even handle anymore.

    So, TO BEGIN THE POINT OF THIS POST:
    There's a girl I've been talking with online/via text for awhile, she's lovely, we click, we were beginning to sorta dip a toe into the possibility of a romantic relationship, et cetera. And apparently she's going through a really tough phase. It's understandable, it happens. I made the assumption that it was a simple extended downward mood swing- the sort of thing that happens to everyone now and then. Well, now it has come to light that there's self mutilation and suicide pondering/attempts possibly going on. I made it clear to her that, while I will be a supportive friend to her, I will not get involved romantically if she's in such a vulnerable state. romance is just too much of a wildcard to throw around when you're battling severe depression and suicide. Apparently I should have mentioned that a lot sooner, because she's already considering us "practically dating" and each time I try to explain that we are not, she thinks I'm just being silly. So, getting back on point with the emotional punching bag bit, today I missed almost everything that was going on in my classes because I was back-and-forth texting her trying to convince her not to cut for hours. I told her to see a doctor, to see a therapist, to call a hotline, to talk to someone in person, and it was all met with responses like "You're mad at me, now I hate myself more".

    There is just no. fucking. winning. I want to be supportive, I want to help her, but I've got my own shit to deal with. I can't be on-call 24/7 to help someone who won't seek any help and instead sends me pictures of the razors, the cuts, and then waxes on about how pathetic I think they are now (which I do not). I either need to find a way to get her some help (I can potentially get in contact with a friend that knows her in person, but I do not have an address to warn the police with if she's attempting suicide) or I need to know a way to cleanly detach myself from her without sending her into another self-harm spiral.

    TL;DR - Suicidal friend who has become romantically attached to me. Wont seek professional help. How can I get her to find help, or somehow remove myself from the situation without making them do something harmful to themselves in response?
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    Default Re: Rant: Being an emotional crutch/punching bag

    It sounds like she doesn't care enough about you to be strong for you the same way you have worked so hard to be strong for her; if she's going to hurt herself she'll do it anyway, but you can't let her hold you ransom emotionally. Your success is just as important as hers, even more so from your perspective, and so though you want to help her, it doesn't seem like she's ever tried to reach out to you and your only connection is that you 'like her.' There are many more fish in the sea and especially those who wouldn't blackmail you with their feelings, so I think you should do a cold turkey type thing because she's more likely to find someone else to latch on to and do the same thing as she has to you than actually kill herself.

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    Shinies Snatcher Post Crusader Keeroh's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant: Being an emotional crutch/punching bag

    Quote Originally Posted by Cocobanana View Post
    It sounds like she doesn't care enough about you to be strong for you the same way you have worked so hard to be strong for her; if she's going to hurt herself she'll do it anyway, but you can't let her hold you ransom emotionally. Your success is just as important as hers, even more so from your perspective, and so though you want to help her, it doesn't seem like she's ever tried to reach out to you and your only connection is that you 'like her.' There are many more fish in the sea and especially those who wouldn't blackmail you with their feelings, so I think you should do a cold turkey type thing because she's more likely to find someone else to latch on to and do the same thing as she has to you than actually kill herself.
    I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I hadn't even considered the cold turkey idea. I've just been fretting over the nice combination of words to use to bring the catastrophe to a safe end. Honestly, it sounds like it'd work out a lot better than anything I could come up with.
    There might be a bit of a problem doing so cleanly considering she follows my blog and my FA, and I can't really remove her ability to see those, but honestly that's just about the greatest solution thus far.
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    Default Re: Rant: Being an emotional crutch/punching bag

    Quote Originally Posted by Thingymabob View Post
    I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I hadn't even considered the cold turkey idea. I've just been fretting over the nice combination of words to use to bring the catastrophe to a safe end. Honestly, it sounds like it'd work out a lot better than anything I could come up with.
    There might be a bit of a problem doing so cleanly considering she follows my blog and my FA, and I can't really remove her ability to see those, but honestly that's just about the greatest solution thus far.
    If it got bad you could always block her from your FA, or the slightly messier version which might leave you feeling less guilty is not blocking her, then letting her spout whatever shit about you she wants to in her depression, and maybe someone else would come along to be the substitute since you've stopped feeling like there was any hope you could really help her. That might give her the most opportunity to meet another person though it could smear your reputation too for people who don't know the situation... it's a tough choice but life is full of those. All you can do is work not to regret it too much if things don't work like you planned.

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    Default Re: Rant: Being an emotional crutch/punching bag

    I'm one of those people too :c I had the problem a while back and I stopped being nice for a short bit and basically yelled them out about themselves. I felt guilty but it worked. It's your call, though!

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    Default Re: Rant: Being an emotional crutch/punching bag

    Well since Kit hasn't responded to anything I've said in two weeks because of this I guess this is going out to the people who responded in this thread. Hopefully you'll see this.

    I am in a position where some of the medication I'm taking is effecting the chemical balance in my body, my body is still getting used to the chemical changes and it's caused me to go into a bit of an extended emotional low.

    Kit ended up being one of the people I looked to for emotional support. One of the people, not the only one. Perhaps I relied on her a bit more than others, perhaps because of the aforementioned romantic attraction, it kind of helped that whenever I looked at a picture of her or any of the things she drew for me I couldn't help but just stare at the screen smiling like a total goof, but there are others, and they've had to deal with the fall out of Kit dropping me "cold turkey"

    I wish I were better at describing my feelings so that I could properly describe the extent at which I was devastated being locked out. When someone's dealing with self-injury, as I have, having my most effective support suddenly disappear was probably one of the worst things that could have happened. It hurt enough having her not talk to me, but two days in, when I tried to message her on FA and was told that the message couldn't be sent because I was on her block list, something broke inside of me.

    I've been more upset these last two weeks just because of being locked out by Kit than I ever felt in the shitty moods being chemically unbalanced has put me in.

    And just to put this out there:

    I was never suicidal.

    I never sent Kit any pictures of my cuts (There were some drawings, but the drawings were venting trying to keep myself from actually cutting, all of the drawings took place before any of the cutting did)

    I am getting help, and when I went in for the initial session one of the first things I said was "I just want Kit to talk to me again."

    When she left the first thing my friends said to me was "If she can't handle you at your worst, she doesn't deserve you at your best," So much of me wants to ignore that, but especially after seeing this thread, I really have no clue how much I can trust her. I really wanted something with Kit, I really liked her, I wanted to get to the point where I could even say I loved her, and have her love me. But anymore....I just don't know...all I feel is hurt.

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