I'm leaning more towards rave here, I've finally figured out some stuff about myself, but at the same time, being me nothing is ever quite that simple and there's plenty of complaints scattered through it. Not sure why I'm posting here, it just seems the right thing to do, and after all, I have gone to all the trouble of typing this out.
I've been thinking a lot this morning, and well, to start with I've realised something about my romantic interests, I have often said before that I don't know what 'my type' is, that sometimes I just see or talk to someone and seem to 'click' with them. It turns out, rather unexpectedly since I haven't had much chance to practice at talking to people before, that I can actually be quite charming and appealing to others. However, there has always been something that appealed to me more strongly about some people that I talk to over others, and before I never gave much thought to what that was, I just chatted to anyone that wanted to, and did my best to get on with them all, something that I seem to manage surprisingly easily, another surprise about myself that I might never have discovered struggling to much to talk outside the internet.
Anyways, it seems what separates those that I consider my closest friends, and particularly those that I have had or considered a romantic relationship with, is not so much the way I feel about them, but the way I feel them, it's as though I can see them more clearly in my mind, understand them better, my last interest in particular, not only did we have so much in common, as I learnt over talking with him, but right from the start, I felt like I could see him so clearly in my mind, this image of a teenage boy, sitting at home bored and alone, going to school, arguing with his family, that sense that I knew about him, that I could understand what he was going through, that I was a part of his life even, whereas other people that I have talked to have always seemed just words on the screen, I understand so little of the people behind them, not just because they haven't told me as much about themselves, but something else, I might almost call it intuition, or perhaps it's just a sense of I've been there before, I know what it's like for you, that I get within moments of talking with those that I go on to form the strongest bonds with. And that is the problem with the guy I've been talking to lately, I know a few facts about his life and interests, little bits and pieces with huge gaps between that I have gathered over some days, whereas the boy I still love and thought I wanted to be with the rest of my life, that first chat, it seemed so right, he was so clear in my mind, we got on so well, light-hearted banter and a little gentle teasing going back and forth, and over the days that followed we opened up to each other and became such important integral parts of each others' lives. A combination of being so open with each other right from the start, of how those few words conveyed so much of what he was like to me, and that feeling of knowing what he was going through, of having been there before, that is what I want to find again with someone one day.
The other point is even more interesting, actually. I have had quite a lot of difficulty in my own life, people that have been stalking me might know that I struggle to talk outside the internet, I have done for years, by now it is more a hard habit to break than anything else, that and having little chance to practice, especially learning to talk loud enough for others to hear easily. I was discussing these difficulties and others with a friend, and particularly the way they affected my efforts to find romance, to the point of putting my ex-boyfriend off me entirely. He assured me that there were people around that liked partners like me, people who were shy, lacked confidence, low self esteem, depressed, and various other troubles in their lives, that they wanted to slowly help people like me, work through the problems, dig under all the layers one by one, they felt it created a much stronger bond to the person after, and enjoyed that feeling of being such a help to someone they cared so much about. At the time I thought that sounded a bit odd, but now I realise, I am one of those people, that is what I want to do, I want to help someone get through problems in their life, overcome difficulties, coax them gently into opening up to me, revealing that precious inner core of themselves that has been buried so deep for too long. Sitting here typing this, I wonder if I can ever find someone the same, if we could help each other, offer advice, draw out the best in each other, guide and comfort each other through the hardest times...
That was what I had with the boy I now call just my best friend, that is why I feel so close to him, every day I could see how much of an improvement I was making to his life, under the confused, depressed, anxious little kid I found someone so wonderful it surprised us both, I was there to comfort him through the most difficult days, I helped him realise just what he had going for him, helped him accept that he was as great a boy as people were saying, helped him realise that he had so many caring friends around him. And then, just as I thought things were going well, that was when, for one reason or another, I couldn't talk to him so much, I spent more time doing what I wanted rather than on the internet, and gradually, just at the point where he realised how many other people around found him appealing as a friend or even more, I slipped away from him, and it feels now like we have been drifting apart, like that connection we had before is fading away, but then, does he need me any more?
so, in conclusion, the people I have felt the closest to as friends or more have always been those that I felt I knew and understood right from the start, those I knew enough about in the first day or so, and particularly when I could understand and relate to what they were going through and feeling and doing, that I could picture them clearly in my mind, feel like I knew them right from the start. For me, the best partner would be someone I could help through the hardest troubles, coax them out of their anxiety, shyness, low self esteem or lack of confidence, someone I can comfort and guide and peel away their layers bit by bit to find the wonderful core buried deep inside. And, I thought I had found both of those, in someone that I shared so many interests and opinions as well as a similar sense of humour with, the third really important thing for me, and I let them slip away, not that it would have worked well over such a distance anyway, instead, if I can slowly work my way back into his now busy, popular life, I may have the great best friend I never had growing up. All I need now is to find someone similar but close enough that I can hold them in my arms every day. How hard can that be?
I realise that my ideal partner is basically myself from a couple of years ago, shy, quiet, low confidence and self esteem, no friends, unwilling to accept compliments, upset with the way their life is going, but that underneath is this actually quite nice, kind, friendly, helpful, funny person that I can enjoy spending time with, that shares my interests and slightly silly sense of humour...