Coming Out: The Thread (Continued)

[Gibby]

Hey Gibby,Try not to let it get to you. some of us are lucky enough to have parents who are understanding, but sometimes we dont. I know none of us can feel your pain, but try to stay strong. you can always talk to any of us on here is should imagine. If you can, try to ignore any comments that spark it all up. it may/may not be your whole life, its just your sexuality. I am struggling to tell those i care about , but the key is to give it all time. We are here for you if you ever need us, all of us. And if you ever want to talk with someone, im here most of the day: mountain_wolf_16

Thanks, but I don't even know who you are.

Anyway, my own little update. My family don't even believe me when I say I'm gay anymore. :/ They seem to be in denial of the whole idea. It's one thing when they accept it or hate me for it, but when they pretend it doesn't exist... That hurts, in some kind of strange, horrid way. ._.

[Arkeus]

When they are in denial sometimes you just need to live with that, at least for now..... Dont bring it up too much if it causes stress between you and your family, otherwise they will come to asscociate, even if they shouldnt, you being gay with their stress. hope this helps...

[Gibby]

When they are in denial sometimes you just need to live with that, at least for now..... Dont bring it up too much if it causes stress between you and your family, otherwise they will come to asscociate, even if they shouldnt, you being gay with their stress. hope this helps...

Yeah, I don't bring it up because it's pointless to do so.

[Saiko]

Anyway, my own little update. My family don't even believe me when I say I'm gay anymore. :/ They seem to be in denial of the whole idea. It's one thing when they accept it or hate me for it, but when they pretend it doesn't exist... That hurts, in some kind of strange, horrid way. ._.

This all may kinda seem obvious, but I think it still helps to have it all written out plainly.

I think there are two things you can do, the goal being to get them to come out of denial. You can either basically throw it in their face and do something to make it impossible for them to deny it, or you can let them come to gradually. The former would solve the problem quickly, but it more likely will result in them hating you for it or at least getting upset to some degree. You say this would be an improvement over them pretending it doesn't exist, and this indeed would more quickly relieve some of that particular kind of pain; but it'd still likely replace it with another kind.

Letting them come to will be harder. It'll take longer, and during that time you'll still have to endure the pain of them ignoring it - possibly just for them to end up still hating it anyway. However, I think it has a better chance of them accepting, or at least tolerating, it.

Although this sounds rather harsh and unhelpful, I'd just endure for now. Don't force anything on them. Let it sit for a few weeks, maybe a few months - however long it takes to let tensions drop some. Perhaps after that, talk to them one-on-one if you can get a chance. I think you said you were more comfortable with your mom, so start with her. Calmly sit down with her and talk to her about her concerns. Listen to her talk about her; keep the topic away from yourself if you can. See if you can find any common ground. Perhaps you both can't stand flamers. If so, see if you can use that to get your foot in the door. If you need to, it may not hurt to exaggerate your opinion on that common ground. Perhaps flamers annoy you a little, but they piss her off. Exaggerate how much they annoy you, so she doesn't feel too alienated.

One way to look at it is to basically "try again." Try to come out again, just... a bit differently. This time may work better.

[Gibby]

If I took the former option, it'd cause a shitstorm. I didn't say that this denial is worse, but it's just, eh, different. I think I would have preferred it in a different way. In fact, it was my mother who dismissed it all and refuses to talk about it.

Ah well, fuck 'em. I don't need their approval. However, the fact that something is missing will probably stick with me. They're my goddamn PARENTS after all.

[Saiko]

It reminds me of a couple months ago when my mom and I passed by some mild flamers at a restaurant, and she said, "Gay is bad. Well, that gay is bad." I noticed that she basically implied that there's another "kind" of gay that she's okay with and asked her about it a few days later. Unfortunately, I didn't quite get the answer I expected. Instead of her simply not liking flamers, she thinks flamers are the only "real" gays, and she doesn't like them. She thinks that people who identify as gay but aren't flamers are simply going through a phase and aren't really gay. Sooooo, considering she groups bi's with gays, she basically said she wouldn't believe me if I told her. ._.

Again, if you're going to try to get them on your side to any degree, you're right to leave it alone; and you may be right in not getting they're approval. It may be better to just leave it as is. But still, there will be something missing that you'll only get if you try to talk to one of them.

[Bloodshot_Eyes]

My immediate family knows I'm transgendered now...
Mom's the only person that thinks I'm not making it up for attention... >_>
So yeah, there's that.

[pikayoshigirl]

I came out as bisexual to a lot of friends recently, but it wasn't that much of a big deal, because lots of my friends are in the LGBT category. Few of my friends are 100% straight.

I only lost one 'friend' when I told him about me wanting to date a girl. He refused to accept me for who I was and said that I was disgusting. He's actually afraid of me right now. It's a shame, because he could've been a nice guy if he wasn't such a homophobe.

[Criminal Scum]

'Even though I'm apathetic about my sexuality, for some reason ever since I realized I also like dudes, I've had this stupid urge to come out to someone. It's not some stupid sentiment about not wanting to lie to my friends and family; I lie all the time.

[Evan of Phrygia]

Just came out to my mom; I am officially no longer a closet bisexual! The conversation went AMAZINGLY, and she completely bashed my ex. Even though i don't hate him, it was still pretty much the coolest thing ever. I love my mom x3

[JC~Jox]

I like the closet... it's nice and cozy in here.

[Delta Fox]

I told my parents I was Asexual, and it failed to generate much response.

[Furries]

Okay internet and everyone around me... I'm going to come out....
*Saying this outloud irl* Mom.... dad..... everyone on the internet..... It's going to be hard telling you this but..... I am... a..... heterosexual.....

[The_Mask]

Right-o, I have a bit of a dilemma here. I'm bi (like 4 on kinsey, maybe more, we'll see) and I haven't told anyone before. Currently I'm at a point where I fell I need to tell somebody or I'll go crazy. Now logically my mind tells me that it isn't necessary to tell anybody but that certainly isn't how I feel. Quite a confusing mental state. Anyways, I'm going down to my parents house for Christmas tomorrow and I'm worried I may blurt something out about it, and Christmas isn't exactly a good time for that. I plan on telling an old friend tomorrow, but I don't know how long I can sit in my parents' house without cracking. My parents are about as stereotypically American as you can get. They work, eat dinner, and watch TV like clockwork, and my dad constantly listens political garbage being spewed out of AM talk radio. Also relevant: I live in Texas; there's literally a church around every corner.
Now then, does anybody have advice on how not to ruin Christmas so to speak, and how is the news of someone being bi usually taken? (listen, I only got through 5 pages of this forum so far so don't bother with the "this has already been said" bit)

[Saiko]

Right-o, I have a bit of a dilemma here. I'm bi (like 4 on kinsey, maybe more, we'll see) and I haven't told anyone before. Currently I'm at a point where I fell I need to tell somebody or I'll go crazy. Now logically my mind tells me that it isn't necessary to tell anybody but that certainly isn't how I feel. Quite a confusing mental state. Anyways, I'm going down to my parents house for Christmas tomorrow and I'm worried I may blurt something out about it, and Christmas isn't exactly a good time for that. I plan on telling an old friend tomorrow, but I don't know how long I can sit in my parents' house without cracking. My parents are about as stereotypically American as you can get. They work, eat dinner, and watch TV like clockwork, and my dad constantly listens political garbage being spewed out of AM talk radio. Also relevant: I live in Texas; there's literally a church around every corner.
Now then, does anybody have advice on how not to ruin Christmas so to speak, and how is the news of someone being bi usually taken? (listen, I only got through 5 pages of this forum so far so don't bother with the "this has already been said" bit)

It's taken differently depending on your parents. Some don't care what you are. Some don't care as long as "you aren't gay." Mine are among those who bunch the two together and would get mad at me for either. Really, no one here can help you much with that because we don't know your family.

As for how to not let it slip, I can only speculate. Being a very logical person in general, I think I know how you feel. You REALLY want to tell someone, but you know that it isn't necessary right now; and you're not sure how it'll be taken. Perhaps what may help is setting a few conditions for telling them, such as "at least after my next birthday" and "only if I have a boyfriend that I am truly considering marrying." This way you can decide when you come out and find solace in the knowledge that you will come out if it matters.

Okay internet and everyone around me... I'm going to come out....
*Saying this outloud irl* Mom.... dad..... everyone on the internet..... It's going to be hard telling you this but..... I am... a..... heterosexual.....

Umm, you do realize that there have been a couple people in this thread who were attacked by their families for coming out right? This is actually one of those few threads where it's not cool to joke about it imo.

I'm not saying you can't say anything because you're straight, but there's a reason we say you don't have to come out as a furry - because coming out as bi/gay can and has had some serious consequences for a lot of people.

[The_Mask]

It's taken differently depending on your parents. Some don't care what you are. Some don't care as long as "you aren't gay." Mine are among those who bunch the two together and would get mad at me for either. Really, no one here can help you much with that because we don't know your family.

Believe me if I could've provided more info I would've. You would think that after having lived with two people for 18 years you would learn their opinions on that sort of thing. But nope, I keep finding out time and time again I know absolutely nothing about my parents.

As for how to not let it slip, I can only speculate. Being a very logical person in general, I think I know how you feel. You REALLY want to tell someone, but you know that it isn't necessary right now; and you're not sure how it'll be taken. Perhaps what may help is setting a few conditions for telling them, such as "at least after my next birthday" and "only if I have a boyfriend that I am truly considering marrying." This way you can decide when you come out and find solace in the knowledge that you will come out if it matters.

Considering my student loan gets sent to my parents before me, maybe after I get the money would be wisest. They constantly ask what's wrong though whenever I'm sitting still thinking, and I can't/don't lie. If they ask what's wrong and this happens to be on my mind I'll probably end up telling them. Perhaps I can manage to do some poking around on their opinions on the topic. Any thoughts on how to go about that?

[Saiko]

Considering my student loan gets sent to my parents before me, maybe after I get the money would be wisest. They constantly ask what's wrong though whenever I'm sitting still thinking, and I can't/don't lie. If they ask what's wrong and this happens to be on my mind I'll probably end up telling them. Perhaps I can manage to do some poking around on their opinions on the topic. Any thoughts on how to go about that?

Well, I myself got lucky. One of my shorter posts higher up on this page explains that to an extent. I just let my mom voice her opinion, then later asked her to elaborate on one particular thing she said. I don't know if you'll be so lucky though, considering it seems you don't live with her anymore. My guess would be to try to set up something. Perhaps while you're visiting you could get them to watch a movie with gay's in it, and see how they react? Something along those lines?

Hmm, just thought of something that might work too, if you're willing to stretch the truth a bit (okay maybe make something up). You could tell your mom that one of your best friends just recently came out to you, but you're not sure how to take it. Ask her for her opinion on the topic.

[The_Mask]

Well, I myself got lucky. One of my shorter posts higher up on this page explains that to an extent. I just let my mom voice her opinion, then later asked her to elaborate on one particular thing she said. I don't know if you'll be so lucky though, considering it seems you don't live with her anymore. My guess would be to try to set up something. Perhaps while you're visiting you could get them to watch a movie with gay's in it, and see how they react? Something along those lines?

Doubt I'd find anything like that in their video library, which has like 150 DVDs in it. While most people have said it helps to have moved out (I assume cause you can run if need be XD), It seems to also be a bit of a problem cause there's no way left to probe...nargh

Hmm, just thought of something that might work too, if you're willing to stretch the truth a bit (okay maybe make something up). You could tell your mom that one of your best friends just recently came out to you, but you're not sure how to take it. Ask her for her opinion on the topic.

Oh they'd see right through that one I'm sure. But thanks for the suggestion, maybe I can manipulate that a bit.

And I clicked every single one of the spoiler buttons in your signature Saiko. Perseverance!

[Lobar]

Right-o, I have a bit of a dilemma here. I'm bi (like 4 on kinsey, maybe more, we'll see) and I haven't told anyone before. Currently I'm at a point where I fell I need to tell somebody or I'll go crazy. Now logically my mind tells me that it isn't necessary to tell anybody but that certainly isn't how I feel. Quite a confusing mental state. Anyways, I'm going down to my parents house for Christmas tomorrow and I'm worried I may blurt something out about it, and Christmas isn't exactly a good time for that. I plan on telling an old friend tomorrow, but I don't know how long I can sit in my parents' house without cracking. My parents are about as stereotypically American as you can get. They work, eat dinner, and watch TV like clockwork, and my dad constantly listens political garbage being spewed out of AM talk radio. Also relevant: I live in Texas; there's literally a church around every corner.
Now then, does anybody have advice on how not to ruin Christmas so to speak, and how is the news of someone being bi usually taken? (listen, I only got through 5 pages of this forum so far so don't bother with the "this has already been said" bit)

I always advise people not to come out unless they're ready to handle the consequences of the worst case scenario. Assuming you're a college student on your parents' dime, this means losing your tuition and a place to live, and possibly all the friends that could help you out. Being openly gay while homeless in Texas might even hurt your ability to receive charity from a religious institutions such as the Salvation Army.

I hate telling people to stay in the closet, but this is the reality of the world we live in today, especially in Texas and the South. Even parents that seemingly act tolerant of gays can do a complete 180 when it comes to their own flesh and blood. Confide in your old friend if you absolutely must, but you risk him outing you further if you misjudge his feelings on the subject and ability to keep a secret.

[The_Mask]

I always advise people not to come out unless they're ready to handle the consequences of the worst case scenario. Assuming you're a college student on your parents' dime, this means losing your tuition and a place to live, and possibly all the friends that could help you out. Being openly gay while homeless in Texas might even hurt your ability to receive charity from a religious institutions such as the Salvation Army.

I hate telling people to stay in the closet, but this is the reality of the world we live in today, especially in Texas and the South. Even parents that seemingly act tolerant of gays can do a complete 180 when it comes to their own flesh and blood. Confide in your old friend if you absolutely must, but you risk him outing you further if you misjudge his feelings on the subject and ability to keep a secret.

Oi. Ok, thanks for that. I think I may have found an opportunity in March. I would have already received the money by then.

[Riq]

Waited until around the beginning of college to start letting people know so I kind of dropped it in on conversations. Between my friends the reaction was generally positive. Worst case scenario was a little bit of a shocked reaction and then they're cool with it, so I was in a pretty good mood.

So I ended up telling my dad two days ago and apparently that was one of his worst fears and he seems to think that me being gay is like some horrible thing happened to me. I still haven't gotten any explanation regarding what the issue is specifically. He also wants me to look into changing, and to help put his mind at ease I have spent a little time looking up methods for doing that. I also brought it up with my mom - she says it's totally fine but it appears as though she is having to try really hard to accept it.

Personally, though, I think it's been beneficial - I'm pretty sure that if I were straight then I'd have been more focused on relationships throughout high school and I wouldn't be where I am academically today. And my friends seem to like me even more now.

So it's a little frustrating. But it's not like I wouldn't have uncomfortable / uncertain moments as a straight guy either. Regardless of the scenario it seems the best option is just to push through it.

Sorry for the rambling. I like putting my thoughts down in writing.

[Kariva]

I wonder if I'll ever be able to, my parents just don't understand these things.

[The_Mask]

Today, not so great. About three weeks ago I had made some post on my facebook opposing some govt. legislation that was against gay marriage, and my dad started drilling me about it today. He would have had to sift through hundreds of posts to come across that. After saying some hurtful things about the rights of homosexuals, he then proceeds to drill me about whether or not I'm gay. WTF? You don't try to force that kind of information out of somebody, that's just wrong. I'm not fucking ready to tell my parents anything yet. I'm sitting there hitting the deny button like I'm stuck in a 1.21 gigawatt shit-storm, constantly trying to change the subject, and he just keeps pushing further and further. When he finally gave up he said he'd love me either way (something tells me he was fibbing), and then he tries a bit more. I don't know if he saw through that or not cause my face must have been bright red and my heart was beating visibly hard. That's just all kinds of invasion of privacy. Hell, that's friggin laying it out on a table and dissecting it.
This is why I didn't want to stay down here for Christmas for more than a week. I would have left today, but one of my friends informed me he was having a party on Friday so I decided to stay.

He also wants me to look into changing, and to help put his mind at ease I have spent a little time looking up methods for doing that.

Fuck that shit dude.

[Conker]

I told my parents I was Asexual, and it failed to generate much response.

They'll eventually start to go "why don't you ever date?" after some period of time. Gets annoying.

[Xeno]

I might come out when i get back to my house, if my parents kick me out or something because of it then so be it. I doubt they will though