Being jealous in open relationship

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Kaley Boatwright, Nov 12, 2017 at 3:52 AM.

  1. Kaley Boatwright

    Kaley Boatwright New Member

    So I am new to open relationships. I started dating my boyfriend in April and we decided to start our relationship as open. For a while we each went out on a few dates separately and had sex with those people as well. We also had a threesome together. He is more experienced than me. He has bee. Married before and has been involved in a polyamouros relationship before. Poly is something that would be too overwhelming to me and I am only interested in giving all of my romantic love, mind and soul to one person. Anyway, he is ok with never doing a poly relationship again because he agrees that they are too overwhelming but his reason is because of time.
    We decided to become monogamous over the summer because we are too new to each other and we were putting too much time and energy into other people instead of each other. However, we would both like to try an open relationship again one day.
    So he has been with a lot more people than me sexually and he's charming and very attractive and very sexual. The jealousy I have is that every woman he entertains sexually he has to have a connection with and he usually ends up loving them but he says he loves them in a friendly way and wants to be their friend for life. He says I'm the one he wants to marry and have children with, and I'm jealous because men I go out with don't usually want to be My friend after we hook up or if they can't be My boyfriend. I'm also jealous because I fear these other women want to keep in contact with him because they might think they can take what I have one day or because they just want to use him or show him off. I would feel less jealous if the women he goes out with/sleep with are my friends too and havr respect for me and if the guys I go out with could remain my friend.
    I'm also a little unsure about us doing anything separate in the future in general. I think I would feel more comfortable if we did everything together, but I'm open to separate play as well I would just need to discuss it more.
    Do I sound crazy for having these jealous feelings? I don't like to feel jealous but maybe I won't always. It's just new territory to me and it's scary.
    Yakamaru and ResolutionBlaze like this.
  2. You're absolutely not crazy for having jealous feelings.

    Look, the way I see it, open relationships are really nothing but trouble. To me it just seems like an easy out in a committed relationship, but I take commitment serious; as in I believe a person, if committed to someone, should commit all they are to them; mind, body, and soul.

    However, there is a possibility of it working. That depends how seriously you treat sex. If you treat sex super casually and as just feel good fun, an open relationship will probably work better if you tried it. But even if you think you don't take sex with others seriously... chances are you do and will feel jealous about it.

    Talk to him about it. Jealousy is normal. Don't feel like just because you don't treat it as casually as he means you're wrong. Id say discuss; if he's more than happy to commit his sex life to only you, that's a good sign and you may be able to extend that sex to others you trust to shake up your sex life, like threesomes or foursomes or orgies. But my recommendation would be to remain mostly monogamous until these feelings are sorted out or discussed. It may not take the jealousy away but it makes assurences.
    Akartoshi, Telnac, Ginza and 3 others like this.
  3. Diretooth

    Diretooth Dire Wolf and Dragon Therianthrope

    Jealousy is natural, regardless of if you think it is justified or irrational. You should be open with him about feeling jealous, keeping this to yourself will only hurt you, especially if he isn't aware and doesn't take into account your feelings. Discuss things in a calm, rational manner, and if you feel like you're becoming mad or otherwise irrational, let him know that it is happening, and take a moment to step away from the conversation and cool off by taking a walk or a drive away from him. This is actually very useful for long term relationships as it helps keep arguments from arising, and if they do arise, then you both can say, "We're fighting, so we need to take an hour or so to calm down, and then we can resume the discussion.
  4. Yakamaru

    Yakamaru I stubbed my log on a car!

    Jealousy is a natural emotion. Both men and women can feel jealousy in their own separate manners:

    Men get jealous when you're sexually unfaithful to your partner.
    Women get jealous if you're romantically/emotionally unfaithful to your partner.
    Both can get jealous if your partner is just being with someone one else.

    Of course, neither of these are set in stone. The very thought of your lover being with someone else can be rather.. Unpleasant. Especially when you've both vowed to be together, just the two of you.

    The best way to solve this would be to do a LOT of talking, of where you want to take the relationship, like Blaze over here have already mentioned.
    Open_Mind, Akartoshi, Ginza and 2 others like this.
  5. Kaley Boatwright

    Kaley Boatwright New Member

    Thanks for your advice everyone! I feel a little more normal now that all of you said jealousy is natural and I'm not crazy for feeling it. I also want you all to know that my boyfriend knows about my jealousy and we have talked about it before. We have good communication with each other. I am on forums simply because I like to hear the opinions of others and I just moved to a new area and I don't have a lot of friends yet. However, I have come up with something after writing this post that I could be a future rule for if and when we try an open relationship again.
    So whether he and I decide to do some separate dating or just make new friends that might help spice up our sex life in the future I want whoever we meet to be completely open to communicating with BOTH of us and being willing to have threesomes, foursomes, orgies whatever with us. That would make me feel a lot better. I don't like it when another girl he's sleeping with or is friends with doesn't want anything to do with me. If she meets me and we decide we don't like each other I don't think there should be any kind of sex. I think my bf should just remain her friend. And vice versa. If I go out with someone they have to be willing to communicate with my bf as well and be open to future group sex activities. That seems like the best way for me to feel safe and trusting in everyone.
    Akartoshi likes this.
  6. Of course, invite friends into your sex life if you're gonna do open. Far better than strangers because you can communicate about it. But be careful that you don't tangle up friendship with romance. Some friends could do that. That's the danger of sharing sex.

    But definitely let it be with people you trust.

    When you two had sex separately did you two attend each other sexual sessions or tell each other about it before it happened? Or was it after the fact or did you two never talk about it until it became an issue?
    Yakamaru likes this.
  7. Yakamaru

    Yakamaru I stubbed my log on a car!

    Quite frankly I'd recommend you refrain from having sex outside the relationship unless you're both confident it won't lead to anything more.

    Believe me, the power of sex is incredibly powerful and can easily ruin relationships.
    aloveablebunny likes this.
  8. Kaley Boatwright

    Kaley Boatwright New Member

    We talked about it before and after. We would tell each other we were going on a date and where we were going and that sex might be an option. Then afterward if sex did happen we would tell each other and sometimes give details if the other wanted to hear. I know he's in love with me and I with him and we do have good communication. The jealousy comes from fear of losing him. Being abandoned. Which could happen with anyone. Whether were monogamous or not. I can't stop someone from falling in love with someone else, I can't stop a loved one from dying. People we love are going to leave us and people we love will hurt us but I just have a hard time dealing with this fact. Dealing with the thought that maybe we won't always be so perfect and we could break up or we could get married and divorced. Nothing is forever. I would love to be his partner until I die though. I have never felt so in love and so understood and had communication as well with anyone else.
    Simo and -..Legacy..- like this.
  9. Kaley Boatwright

    Kaley Boatwright New Member

    So you agree there should be no separate sexual activity? If we decide to so anything with anyone it should all be together right?
  10. You're not gonna have a good, perfect, ideal relationship. And that's perfectly healthy. Even fighting is necessary occassionally.

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  11. Yakamaru

    Yakamaru I stubbed my log on a car!

    You need to have confidence and certainty that if you have sex with someone else who is not your lover, that sex won't evolve into emotional connections, or worst case scenario, end up breaking up with your lover. I've seen it too many times personally to recommend having sex with someone else who you've not committed yourself to. Being in a relationship with someone is in a way committing yourself to that one. If you're pretty much sleeping around, your partner/relationship will be affected as such.

    Being in a relationship with someone takes a lot of effort and energy. If you're doing it with someone else who is not your partner, your actions/words can quite easily strain that relationship.

    IMO I am against open relationships, because they are statistically doomed to fail and ruin them.
  12. Agreed. If I had an open relationship, let group sex be an occasional thing rather than a common one. And always participate together when you do.
    Yakamaru likes this.
  13. -..Legacy..-

    -..Legacy..- Sergal Mafia :P

    Everything said before is accurate, so I won't revisit any of those.

    Unless there is history of true infidelity, don't pine over it. I've easily watched that worm bore through someone's head, and eventually, it doesn't matter if it was justified or not.

    Enjoy what your relationship offers, and never go to bed negative at each other. Communication is the number one reason humans misunderstand each other, and disagreements only come from not understanding the other position. All you have to do, is sit down and let him know your current position. If he truly values the relationship, he will cater to those insecurities.
    Yakamaru likes this.
  14. quoting_mungo

    quoting_mungo Administrator Staff Member

    Uncertainty and fear are natural emotions. Jealousy is, too, to an extent, but it's generally not a healthy one, and if you can you should seek to stamp it out. It's overly romanticized in much of western culture, which can lead to its own problems; for instance, possessive jealousy is somewhat frequently mistaken for love.

    That doesn't make you a bad person for feeling jealous. You can't control your emotions, only how you respond to them.

    As others have said, the first step should be communication. Work out your boundaries, find what will work for you. From what you write I can't say whether you're getting "only" variety out of your open relationship, or whether your separate dates also fulfill other needs that you don't indulge with each other. For instance, neither my husband nor my boyfriend are into bondage, so all three of us are much happier with me seeing someone else to get that kink indulged. If that's something that's a part of your arrangement, I'd strongly recommend against eliminating that aspect. Chances are that would lead to resentment rather than reassurance.

    Your problem seems to be, in part, that you feel your partner is developing bonds with his "side" dates that you don't get to have or to be part of. Consider if you'd be happier joining them for part of their date, to build up report with the other woman, or similar. I could be reading you wrong but it doesn't appear to me as though you inherently have a problem with them interacting socially, it's feeling shut out of that interaction that bothers you more than anything.

    Open relationships often have a higher minimum "maintenance cost" than closed ones; I am not going to say that they inherently take more work, it's more that the amount of work you can skimp out on before it causes a problem is smaller. All relationships are better the more work you put into them, and all relationships require ample communication to thrive.

    Group sex can be a nice way to spice up a relationship, but doesn't necessarily have a lot in common with extrarelational sex in an open relationship. Requiring that your partner only have sex with others as part of a group involving you also forces him onto the schedule of your libido, which may or may not become a problem over time.

    All relationships are statistically doomed to fail. People who stay with their first partner for life are a significant minority. People staying with their second partner for life aren't that common, either. There you go, relationships have a >50% failure rate. Probability dictates that any given relationship will eventually end in a breakup.
    Yakamaru, aloveablebunny and Dongding like this.
  15. Saiko

    Saiko GTWT Survivor

    If the main motivation for toning it back was time constraints, then I’d say you guys were being far too active with other people. For my bf and I, the main purpose of an open relationship is to establish an agreed upon outlet; so “sexual temptation” doesn’t unnecessarily snowball into a breakup. This is because we both recognize the difference between sex and love and agree that it’d be silly to blanket-ban all extramarital sex. However, there’s a lot of emphasis on the term “outlet.” That really shouldn’t be a regular thing, especially if one partner is getting significantly more out of the system than the other. The whole point is to mitigate a potential source of drama and stress, and it should never drive either partner to worry about cheating, question dedication, or feel neglected.

    For what it’s worth, the most important component of our system is that we require consent from each other - a lot like a threesome requiring consent from three people except the third won’t actually be involved. I have to ask for each instance, and he honestly considers it. If he doesn’t consent then that’s that. We also probably wouldn’t really go on “dates” with other people. That kind of arrangement might drift a little too close to romantic rather than sexual, although the definition of “date” is fuzzy. For us it’s mainly one night stands or excursions with existing friends with benefits.
    Simo likes this.
  16. Pipistrele

    Pipistrele Smart batto!

    Let's screw each other while we're here.
    Yakamaru and Dongding like this.
  17. Dongding

    Dongding The sheep

    Was waiting for a Mungo post so bad I forgot all about Pipistrele.
  18. Pipistrele

    Pipistrele Smart batto!

    Hello! 1510605369.jpg
  19. Dongding

    Dongding The sheep

    How does your F-ing avatar keep improving by like 40% each time you change it?? You're running out of percents.
    Yakamaru and Pipistrele like this.
  20. BahgDaddy

    BahgDaddy Voice of reason

    I feel like open relationships are a social experiment that will largely take its course and probably fail. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I don't think humans are properly wired for it. The main problem is jealousy, which evolution hardwired into us to make us more respondent to our mate, making us take care of them and guarding against other males who want to spread their seed. That's also probably why polygyny has historically been more common than polyandry (please google those terms if you're unfamiliar with the difference).
    Yakamaru likes this.
  21. This is a good idea.
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  22. Pipistrele

    Pipistrele Smart batto!

    Welp, if we're going for an open relationship, might as well make it as open as possible, so why not to invite everyone to have some fun .u.
  23. Dongding

    Dongding The sheep


    I'll just watch from the inside of the closet...
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  24. Yakamaru

    Yakamaru I stubbed my log on a car!

    Yes, and open relationships are at the bottom in terms of the probability of it succeeding. So your specific relationship is one of the few statistically that have actually succeeded.
    Pipistrele likes this.
  25. quoting_mungo

    quoting_mungo Administrator Staff Member

    Saying "open relationships are more likely to fail" is like saying "milk products are more likely to cause ill health". If you're prone to jealousy, and communication can't alleviate that, by all means, you're not suited to open relationships. If you're lactose intolerant, going on an ice cream binge is going to end pretty unpleasantly. Meanwhile, if you've got the tools to metabolize it, milk can be pretty good for you.

    There are aspects of relationships that are put under stress by having an open relationship, yes. There are also stresses on a relationship that opening it up can help address. It's not a one-size-fits-all, and that goes both ways. Monogamous relationships do not work for me - I chafe against them and they make me miserable. My best friend knows herself well enough to know she isn't cut out for open relationships or polyamory.

    For me, a relationship mandating monogamy is less likely to work. Because that's the way I love, and the way I lust.
    For her, a non-monogamous relationship is less likely to work. Because that's how she loves and lusts.

    I recommend reading Sex At Dawn to help broaden your view on human sexuality. All your relationships will fail until one doesn't, and blaming that on a relationship model rather than recognizing that relationships are a mix of trial and error and hard work is going to hurt the chances of any relationships you have far more than agreeing that it's okay to get some on the side.
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