Ciritique request. For The Wolves of the City of the Dammed

Discussion in 'Tutorials and Critiques' started by revan110, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. revan110

    revan110 New Member

    The title of the work = The Wolves of the City of the Dammed Chapters 1 & 2

    A brief summary/description of the work = The adventures of a group of mercenaries. In the ruins of a city. Now turned into a war zone.

    Any content advisories (Warning; Blood, violence, perhaps sexual situations,)

    Any specifics on what you want critiqued (plot,)

    The link = The Wolves of the City of the Dammed Chapters 1 & 2 by Revan110
  2. Jarren

    Jarren You can't just quote yourself! -Me

    I'm assuming that English isn't your first language, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here. Nearly all of your sentences are fragments or switch tense constantly. You seem to use periods where you mean to put commas or semicolons and that throws off both the pacing for the reader and the legibility of the piece.
    Now, onto the thing you asked for; Plot Critique!
    Well, being familiar with Warhammer/Mordheim lore, I think I have a bit of an advantage here in knowing what you're talking about with regards to the city of the damned. Others will not. It's fine to start things a little lite on the exposition, but absolutely go into that a bit more as the characters talk (and iron out their dialogue while you're at it.) Things seem to progress very quickly and jump from point to point. Don't be afraid to linger a bit more on the downtime and focus more on the interactions between the characters as they gear-up and such. Doing that will help the reader care more about them rather than just attaching a name to busty wolf chick #4 and accepting they have no personality. In general, everything seems a bit rushed, even the fight scenes. Don't be afraid to go into detail on things that happen, but try and keep the details smoothe and non-intrusive. The premise is good, but it needs a lot of work. Reread it yourself, out loud if necessary (or run it through a text to speech program), and try to smoothe it out. I could give more advice, but I feel this is more than enough to get you started if you want to try reworking things.

    Also, as a side note: What self respecting parents from Ostland would name their kid 'Billy Bob?' I can only imagine the weird looks he got while growing up :p
  3. revan110

    revan110 New Member

    Thank you for the feedback. I think I might have to start looking for a better checker than Grammarly.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016

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