Critiquing erotica?

Discussion in 'Tutorials and Critiques' started by Anodracs, Aug 10, 2016.

  1. Anodracs

    Anodracs Member

    I didn't see any sub-forums or threads for the purpose of critiquing writing, so I was wondering if anybody would like to critique/edit some smut for me? I haven't written fiction in a long time, so I'm pretty rusty.
    It's pretty vanilla stuff so far, but it contains sort of an odd species pairing of a meerkat and a lobster 'taur.

    I'm working on filling in other bits of a continuing story, so these are just shorts lacking some unimportant information.

    1. At The Docks by Anodracs G-rated

    2. The date by Anodracs Hetero Erotica, first part unfinished

    3. The swimming lesson by Anodracs Hetero Erotica

    Also, (and I'm asking this in complete seriousness), does anyone know of any online databases of synonyms for various smutty words? Trying to use the same three or four slang words for genitalia without using unappealing technical or medical-sounding phrases gets kind of boring.
  2. Zipline

    Zipline Noodle Fish

    Ok, I will try. #1: It should start out before she is drunk. When I started reading it I was lost and thought I was skipping pages. Next keep your characters in relatively the same environment. So if there are lobsters then keep everything in the water. Or if the other one, make them all land animals. Subtle racism is fine for the assumed era but do not make them overly nervous around each other. Then again, she may have been shocked seeing a talking lobster.

    #2 I still find it unrealistic having a giant lobster and a meerkat together. Charlie and Alec are both boy names. How does the lobster know he likes mammals if he has never been with one before? I support that Bear's lawsuit. That did seem pretty specist. Other creatures than aquatic live near the ocean. Are birds discriminated against to? I may be bias though as overt sexual activity disgusts me. Also the lobster seemed to be implying that he was going to kidnap and rape her on the way home.

    #3 *sigh* WOAH WOAH WOAH It is a "lobster taur" Nope. I'm out. How big are those apartments anyway?! In that case they could easily fit a GIANT lobster or even a small bear. I thought they were maybe 5 feet since lobsters are small. Oh no.. they really were boy names.. Nope *smashes computer and walks out of the room* That made it so much worse that it was a gay fanfic with a lobster... Why couldnt they have both been mammals?!??DW?FWQWE?#Rg3r[[3r2mp5nh4bcvwnmp1o*barfs*rt35hte vkdpl
  3. Anodracs

    Anodracs Member

    Yeah, sorry, I should have mentioned a few things. In the world I'm creating, some lobsters have evolved to be able to breathe air and spend extended periods on the land. By this point in my world's history, inter-species relationships are fairly common, but relationships between creatures with vastly different lifestyles and anatomies are still pretty much taboo. Alec initially rescues Charlize from drowning, which means he's bigger than she is. If we're using standard "human" heights, Alec is about six feet tall and Charlize is about five foot three.
    Also, Charlize is a feminine version of Charlie, and the apartments were designed for those creatures who need regular exposure to the water to be healthy. It's a sort of disability rights and accommodations act. The apartments themselves are spacious, and can accommodate typically larger species like bears.

    Also, I find your rudeness to be a little off-putting. You clearly didn't give the stories more than a brief skim. Charlize is explicitly stated to be a female, and this a relationship between two heterosexual people. Why are you so unnerved by my species pairing? In case you haven't noticed, furries don't exist in our world, so why have a bias? Open your mind a little, and don't read clearly marked erotica if you don't like reading such things.
  4. Zipline

    Zipline Noodle Fish

    You asked for critique and I sat through it where most people would completely ignore it. I tried it, I did not like it but gave points where I thought it needed work. By the third story I was burned out by how fast it was going. and the lobster
  5. quoting_mungo

    quoting_mungo Well-Known Member

    Moving this thread to the Tutorials & Critiques subforum for you. I'll see if I might be able to give at least one of the stories a read-through later.

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