Furry Erotica - critique

Discussion in 'Tutorials and Critiques' started by mousetrap-mike, Nov 20, 2016.

  1. mousetrap-mike

    mousetrap-mike New Member

    Mr.Foox likes this.
  2. PlusThirtyOne

    PlusThirtyOne What DOES my username mean...?

    Lola was one of those girls who wore a pink, see-through chiffon bra. Her nipples were visible through the light rose mesh. She would watched Carl with aloof detachment as he poured coffee into a paper cup, her expression undetectable beneath her heavy mascara. Carl took extreme care when printing her name on the side of her cup every morning. She watched him with a disconnected innocence that only a doe such as her could pull off, She dressed aesthetically in a pleasing manner, the color palette of her clothes sticking around all in shades of pale pink and white. Every morning she would come into the Starbucks that Carl worked at, order and leave, without fail. Without fail she visited every morning, the Starbucks Carl worked. She ordered and left, nothing more.

    No need for the paragraph break.

    Try not to flippy flop between tenses unless there's a passage of time or change in subject.

    "Heavy makeup" is open to interpretation and it's often a turnoff for some people. For mass appeal, stick to basic details. That way nobody's going to picture Meemee from the Drew Carrey Show.

    "Aesthetically" is an adverb, not a verb.

    "Sticking around" sounds weird.

    Reordered statement for clarity. Ending the statement with "nothing more" adds finality not only to Lola's actions but the paragraph as well.

    Carl He was a dingo, a young man with sharp and handsome features, his neutral, sandy fur contrasted juxtaposed against his bold psychedelic tie-dye, psychedelic patterns that he dressed in attire. His paws were callused from playing bass in a small band that he had created with a couple of friends.

    Once you establish who HE and SHE are, there's no need to remind the reader who they are so soon.

    Your description for Carl's attire doesn't flow off the tongue very well. "Juxtapose" > "contracted".

    The details of Carl's band are relevant yet. Clumsy statement reworded.

    It was Ultimately it was Lola’s elusiveness that drew Carl to the doe her in the first place. The only words she had ever said to him were, “Chai Tea Latte”, and, “Lola”. She never thanked him when he passed her the latte to her, only fluttering her impossibly long eye lashes in his direction before disappearing back onto the busy New York streets.

    No need to mention Lola's species again.

    ALWAYS separate dialogue with commas

    No need to mention New York unless it's relevant to the statement. Adding the word "busy" makes it a relevant detail. NY is important to the story, yes, but not alone in this statement.
    ----
    Hope that helps!
    When it comes to erotica, FLOW is important. The trick is to imagine a sexy sounding voice read you the lines. if it doesn't SOUND sexy, it won't READ sexy. Details are important but the trick is to know which ones to leave out. Whenever possible, avoid starting sentences with the same word like "he" or "she". You can tiptoe around this by describing actions only one character can do or including said statements paired with others. When it comes to *AHEM* sexy scenes, this will undoubtedly cause problems; "He did this. She did that. Then he did that. Then she did this". Also, it's only necessary to restate a character's name if the scene changes or in dialogue. Scenes with only two subjects are easy, especially when they're opposite genders but always watch our for repeat words and phrases.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2016
    Mr.Foox likes this.
  3. Mr.Foox

    Mr.Foox Daddy Fooxy

    Awwwwwwwwww yes make it simplistic, flow and not cluttered with useless info so I can get my imagined rocks off.
     

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