here is my first story!

Discussion in 'Tutorials & Critiques' started by Prostapheresys, Jul 31, 2016.

  1. Prostapheresys

    Prostapheresys Novice writer

  2. Faux_Real

    Faux_Real New Member

    Well, I definitely think that this is a step in the right direction for you and your work, and there is quality in the writing here.

    However, the ending of this bit was rather abrupt, and i think you are kinda hitting the reader over the head with foreshadowing. In my opinion, I would think of a less obvious way to lead into the Avalon corporation than to just end the bit here with the character looking at the poster. This may incur more content between leaving the park and going home, but it would be kinda nice to give that foreshadowing more meaning so it is more of a story element than a deus ex machina.

    Other than that, you have some errors in syntax. I can see double arrows being great for showing inner dialogue, but why are spoken words seperated by hyphens?

    Anyway, I like your style and your attention to detail and you are pulling me in with this because I am curious about what is going on in the story, but watch out for throwing plot devices into the narrative on a whim.
  3. Prostapheresys

    Prostapheresys Novice writer

    Thanks, at last I got an answer...
    I confess that what I actually find most annoying about my first story above all is not being able to make the final lines appear as a link to another earlier submission of mine which is basically the content of that poster (on other sites instead it worked just fine). But as you said I now understand how this still feels like a bad deus ex machina. Good news is that in the meantime I've almost completed my second story, which is set right after the events of the first one, and your suggestions will be considered.
    So thank you again, I hope you'll find it interesting too.
  4. I.Hykok

    I.Hykok Member

    Few minor syntax and verb tense errors.

    It was quite interesting how you had him abruptly cutting off the narrator taking the story down paths he didn't want to dwell on.

    The sign for the corporation and the ignis have me wondering if they really are a natural phenomenon or some artificial creation with a really good spin-doctored cover up. Otherwise why mention something as innocuous as a sign?

    First critique so I hope I didn't give bad advice.
  5. Prostapheresys

    Prostapheresys Novice writer

    Don't worry, any advice is good and even though right now my writing is on hiatus I'll consider them. English is not my mother tongue so writing is also my stimulus to master the language, trying to improve everytime.
    So thank you for your time and critique!

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