Interested in Critique

Discussion in 'Writing and Prose' started by -PonPon-, Mar 4, 2017.

  1. -PonPon-

    -PonPon- New Member

  2. reptile logic

    reptile logic An imposter among aliens.

    I read it. It definitely puts the reader in the middle of something; leading to a story high point or climax perhaps? Since character introduction has likely occurred earlier in the story, and one can only know that a conflict/battle is happening, it's hard to know where this is leading to: Something found or almost within grasp, an antagonist captures the protagonist (main character?), someone or something valuable is about to change hands, magic or something that is viewed as magic.

    I noticed some spelling and grammar issues. Those will continue to crop up as you, the author, edit your work. There always seems to be a slightly better way to say/describe/explain things every time one stops to take a fresh look at it. At least that's my opinion on writing a story. Beta readers and/or professional proofreaders/editors can help with that as well.

    Is this what you have so far? Is it a small piece of a story already well under way?

    I'm new to the published-works game. For what it's worth I start many of my stories somewhere in the middle, expanding on a core idea that popped up, and then working my way forward and back from there.

    Keep writing; see where it goes.
    -PonPon- likes this.
  3. xaliceonfire

    xaliceonfire Kiralee

    It seems like an interesting concept, but I had a hard time reading it. It has a grammatical errors and run-on sentences, and there is no need to have so much detail put into each sentence (adjectives mostly). I had to go back over it several times to figure out exactly what was going on through all the details. I also noticed that the character dropped the book when she was grabbed, then the attacker took the book from her paw, then when she fell, her paw fell on the book again. Just be careful on little details like that.

    Otherwise, I think I would be interested in what's going on in the story if you continued.
  4. -PonPon-

    -PonPon- New Member

    Can you point out a run on sentence please? I always get confused when people say that and automatically assume they just can't read.
  5. reptile logic

    reptile logic An imposter among aliens.

    Here is one example I noticed on a quick scan:
    "She tossed aside a grandiose sheet of metal with Certuyionian characters expertly molded into its sleek surface to the other side of the desk." Try reading that aloud as if you were telling the story to another.

    One of many possible revision options: "There was a sheet of metal lying on one end of the desk; grandiose in design with Certuyionian characters molded (etched/hammered/engraved) into its sleek surface. She flung it aside to land with a crash on the other end of the desk."

    Again, options abound.
  6. reptile logic

    reptile logic An imposter among aliens.

  7. Alex K

    Alex K Guest

    Not really an expert myself but its better than green ham n eggs for sure!

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