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I’ve got one that appears to mumble in pig Latin, one that bursts into flames whenever you poke it, and one that might be that weird language Ravofox mentioned. I was going to take them to the library and find a scribe to see if any were correct.

God no. *raises shield in defense*

No, I was doing my Treeman impression. Thought it’d be all cool with the grass types...

Son, son, please. Let me show you how it’s done. *clears throat* HAAWBJEXXIIUN

Your evidence is your own testimony! You claimed you didn’t do it, then you claimed that you did! Only one can be true at once, meaning one was a lie!

I’ll prosecute!

Correct, but you are not no one! Claiming no one did it means that you claim you didn’t do it, as nobody did it!

You are not no one. Ergo, this quotation means you claimed you didn’t do it!

OBJECTION *table slam and point* Whether or not we knew there was a fire is irrelevant! Whether or not there WAS a fire is irrelevant! You claimed to not have pulled the alarm, and now you claim you did! A contradiction!

*recoils dramatically* Fine. I revise my charges to perjury. You lied under oath and claimed you didn’t pull the fire alarm.

OBJECTION *presents evidence* I present to the court the accused party’s username! *dons spectacles and reads* “Wulf... the Jackal”! Regardless of what you may or may not look like, usernames do not lie! You, good sir, are a jackal! Perjury for claiming you didn’t pull the fire alarm.

Do jackals have fingers? You could easily have triggered it without leaving prints!

*examines video tape* *notices small smudge on shakey, low quality, black-and-white footage* That’s you. That smudge near the fire alarm.

*waggles finger and shakes head dismissively* His confusion means he wasn’t watching the alarm at the time. Which means he is entirely unreliable when it comes to finding out who did or did not pull the alarm. And don’t you know? This is Ace Attorney! Guilty until proven innocent! Prove you...

It’s entirely fine that you do not know. In fact... *icy grin* My case counts on it. Tell me, @Wulf the Jackal, how could your witness have seen who may or may not have pulled the fire alarm if he’s not even certain of its location?

But you also said “somewhere”, meaning you weren’t sure of its location.

Hmm. So you weren’t paying much attention to the fire alarm... +1 -1?

Alright. Would you say you were able to see the fire alarm from down there? +1 -3

Pretty sure grass types don’t mind a bit of water. +1 -3?

The witness may lay on the floor, if strictly necessary... +1 -3