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A Loveless Relationship? Advice please.

Darkwing

Member
So basically I'm having some relationship issues and I'm totally lost.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months so far, for the past month or so of the relationship the intimacy has died down significantly, to the point where he refuses to cuddle me, or show me any affection whatsoever in public. I even tried just simply holding hands with him today and he pulled back from me.

He absolutely refuses to have sex with me, and when I am naked next to him he won't even bother to glance or touch.

It wasn't like this all the time though. Before that we would have sex twice a week and we would cuddle all the time and hold hands and everything, but all of that has since disappeared from our relationship.

At this point it barely feels like a relationship and more like an extended friendship. It's been hurting me bad just staying in the relationship this way.

I tell him how I feel and basically he tells me that he wants time alone, or that he just wants to hang out with me without the intimacy. But I have done that for him a lot and I have given him his space and he still refuses to meet my needs, he thinks that I'm "annoying" whenever I want time for intimacy.

The only thing that keeps me in the relationship is that he still kisses me every now and then and he does tell me he loves me every now and then, he also lets me sleep in his room every now and then (but strictly no cuddling or touching whatsoever) also the fact that we have been going smooth for about 4-5 months and that I'm wondering if it's just a passing phase or something.

Any opinions though? Anything I can do to rekindle the intimacy or will I have to break it?
 

Greatodyer

Loveable Pony
I'm sorry to hear about this. The only advice I can offer is that you need to talk about this to him. You need to sit him down and make him listen to what you have to say. I have done this before and it worked but it does depend on the person.

Another thing you can try is maybe suggesting going out somewhere to a nice restaurant? Suggest places to go where you went before and had a great time.

Sorry if this doesn't help, I've been out of relationships for a few years now :)
 

VintageLynx

Analogue fuzzball
How did this situation happen for the first time? Wondering if he has 'heard something' like stupid gossip or something like that that had made him wary of you?

You do need to talk. Be upfront and say that you notice that he is not seeming to be having the fun together with you that he used to - is there anything wrong you could ask? Be sincere and respect what he says - the moment you get upset or uptight then things will only get worse. Do the listening. And also can YOU see a future with him in your life (do you really want it to work)? Heh, I'm sounding like a furry agony aunt...
 

Ozriel

Inglorious Bastard
I am going to go with you two need to talk to each other and see if you two are still on the same level. You'll have to be frank but still respectful when conveying how you feel, and also listen to how he feels as well. It takes two for a relationship to work!

But...If he doesn't feel like the relationship is going nowhere, then perhaps its best to break it off.
 

Icky

is the prettiest pony~
Yeah, don't be afraid to break it off. Yes, it's rough, but if you're unhappy and he's so ambivalent to what you want, don't try and make it work. He won't.

Also holy shit, I haven't seen you around in forever.
 

Ohyoupokedme

Servant of God
Sex is dangerous in these kinds of things, because it runs the risk of creating a relationship based solely on that. Say, if only one of you want sex, but the other doesn't, it creates extreme frustration between the two. I've seen this kind of thing break down relationships.

This seems to be a similar situation: you want intense intimacy, but he doesn't. Because the relationship has had so much intimacy so far, the lack of it is beginning to break you apart. The only way I see to fix this is to slow down/tone down on that intense intimacy. Start by approaching him slowly, still remaining in his comfort zone. After a while, he may get more comfortable with hand holding, then touching, and so on. If he still isn't physically intimate with you, then don't let that tear you two apart. Don't try and force physical intimacy on him, even when you may desire it. Part of a loving relationship is sacrificing for one another, that means that sometimes you need to be open to having sex, yet open to not having sex at the same time.

One last thing: You don't need sex to have love and you don't need love to have sex. The lack of sex doesn't make it loveless. It simply makes the relationship less physically intimate. Therefore, it is best if that physical intimacy is made up for by a different kind of intimacy. Don't think any other relationship will end up much different: there will be times were your partner wants physical intimacy and times were your partner doesn't, don't matter who it is. Accepting that fact is the first step to healing this relationship.

Make sure you understand this: it is much harder to build a relationship off of complete physical intimacy, because if that physical intimacy ever stops, then the relationship begins to break down. However, if it is built off of simply being around one another (if the relationship is to satisfy social pleasure rather than complete physical pleasure) then the relationship is much safer and long lasting. I haven't had a single physical relationship so far. All my relationships have been online, because for one, I am one weird mother Hubbard, and two, it gives me social pleasure. I enjoy talking to my girl online, and because of that, I feel complete. I didn't need to be physical in order to have a healthy relationship with her.

It would also help if you investigated these recent behaviors. Just don't go out of your way to find flaws, simply communicate. Communication is key to all relationships: without communication, the relationship means nothing.
 
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Ley

Member
Howdy; I'll keep this short and to the point. Answer three questions in a yes or no fashion, yeah?
1) Can you see yourself doing this for another 6 months?
2) Can you see yourself doing this for another year to several years?
3) Do you get excited to see him?
4) Does he get excited to see you?

If you anwered yes to 1-2 out of those four questions, I'd say relationship isn't worth it. 6 months and he's already acting like that? No thanks.

However, you could, you know. Talk about it to him. You don't get to just lie naked to someone and have them pounce on you. You have to seduce dudes sometimes, contrary to popular belief.
 

Taralack

Hit 'em right between the eyes
Wow, only six months? I thought stuff like that only happened after several years of marriage :V
 

Batty Krueger

DJ Nailbunny
Sounds like hes having his man period, or just getting bored of you. My husband and I had some rough spots in our relationship the first couple years, but 8 years later we are still togeather and married now.


All the best to you.
 

ScaredToBreathe

Special Snowflake
I'm having a major "been there/done that moment". I first just want to say I totally feel you. That feeling you get when you keep getting rejected by a partner who used to love physical intimacy is really difficult. I personally felt ugly and unwanted and unloved when I'd dress up really pretty and try to seduce him and he'd find ANYTHING else to do than have sex with me. It was really taxing on our relationship. And much like your relationship, he refused to talk about it beyond shitty "I'm tired/busy/playing a game, quit being annoying" type excuses. I started getting really snippy with him and doing passive aggressive shit/saying mean things just so he's show some kind of emotion for me, even if that emotion was anger. It affected my personal health (I had trouble sleeping and eating from the stress) and he brushed it off every time. Eventually I snapped and broke it off with him after finding out that he was having skype sex with a bunch of random girls he found on omegle.

My advice to myself and anyone else moving forward is don't commit yourself to a guy/girl/other that doesn't make you feel good about yourself (mind, body, spirit, whatever). If you tell them how you feel and they respond with apathy or try to blame it all on you, move on. Doesn't waste your energy on someone who clearly doesn't waste any on you.
 

Jabberwocky

bitch where
it's hard to face something like this.
people have said it, but let me emphasize it. COMMUNICATION IS SUPER IMPORTANT. You have to find out the situation, why he is acting this way. A one on one serious conversation is in order for the two of you. I could say take the easy way out and just break up with him, however, I also do know the burden of the doubt and how haunting not knowing something can be, especially if something could have been done to fix or prevent the problem.
 

Darkwing

Member
So I confronted him and told him how I felt and things went well I guess?

I told him how I really just felt horrible that the physically intimate part of the relationship is pretty much locked down and how I felt I really didn't like where we are right now in terms of intimacy, and how it is a very important and crucial thing to me.

He essentially told me that he doesn't know what to do because he "hates cuddling and touching" but that he's willing to take babysteps to revive the intimacy anyways. He pet me a little and let me lay on his lap, which is the most intimate we have gotten in weeks, so I guess that is going somewhere?

He still complained about it later though.
 

Sweetheartz22

Simply amazing.
Sounds like hes having his man period, or just getting bored of you. My husband and I had some rough spots in our relationship the first couple years, but 8 years later we are still togeather and married now.


All the best to you.

This reminds me of something
 
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FluffMouse

*Crawls into traffic*
I'd say cut and run before you're 5 years in and having this problem every month. If you have to beg for attention.. you're not gunna get it easily. The first year or so is supposed to be the courting, puppy-love stage where you can't keep your hands off each other, fuck like rabbits, and everything is rainbows. Sure he could change, but the most likely outcome is that he'll change for a few days or weeks to make you stop nagging him and go back to the way he is. You can't change a person, and some people can't change themselves. Best bet is to maybe figure out why he has those intimacy issues and see if he actually want's to get help or change or if he's content with the way he is as long as no one's nagging him about it.. because personally, I think resorting to actually making your partner feel shitty for wanting to cuddle or do normal things with you or telling them that it's 'off limits' or annoying is already pushing the boundaries of 'not comfortable' into careless asshole.
 

Zydala

Kisses for everyone!
(puts on Dan Savage hat)

You both need to work on each other's needs, and if for him, helping you with your needs is a chore that he'll complain about and just keep making you feel worse, don't push it. This guy isn't the end-all-be-all of relationships. You both can find someone more compatible for each other. Don't think of it in terms of extremes - that you are overly sensitive and needy, or that he's cold and bitter. You both just need different relationship models to feel comfortable. Not telling you to just dump the guy, but consider what you two need in the long run and if it's going to help/harm each other.
 

Belluavir

Fag Enabler, Breeder Disabler
Talk with him about what his and your goals are for this relationship. Dont be vague, they should be things that are concrete and acheivable. This'll help you dtermine if there is a future for this relationship and if its worth the effort to repair the damage.

If you think its worth the trouble then you two have got to find a diagnosis for what the hell his problem is. The longer put any of it off the harder everything will, and you'll both resent each other and it'll be huge mess and waste of everyone's time.
 

EchoEnola

New Member
3 simple things that can be hard to do:

1. Talk to him openly and straight forward.

2. Make a commitment to change. Ask what he wants from you as well, relationships and their problems are never one-sided.

3. Be honest with yourself and evaluate whether lasting positive change has been made after a few months. If it hasn't, it's time to end it.
 

Ohyoupokedme

Servant of God
So I confronted him and told him how I felt and things went well I guess?

I told him how I really just felt horrible that the physically intimate part of the relationship is pretty much locked down and how I felt I really didn't like where we are right now in terms of intimacy, and how it is a very important and crucial thing to me.

He essentially told me that he doesn't know what to do because he "hates cuddling and touching" but that he's willing to take babysteps to revive the intimacy anyways. He pet me a little and let me lay on his lap, which is the most intimate we have gotten in weeks, so I guess that is going somewhere?

He still complained about it later though.

That's great, you're getting somewhere.
 

RabidLynx

I'm happy.
Wow, only six months? I thought stuff like that only happened after several years of marriage :V

I was in a relationship once, it got like this after a few weeks, along with a lot of other problems. Of course the other person was an immature spoiled brat, but I am now done with dating for a while.

Anyways yeah, I probably won't have the best advice, especially since I don't have a lot of experience with this stuff. All I can say is, anybody can change. Every relationship goes through a rough patch for a while, some make it out and some don't. The ones that make it out usually do because both people have agreed to change and did. If he agrees to change, and he does, that's great. If in order for that to happen you need to change as well, then do it- unless this change makes you unhappy, then it's not worth it. I know from experience and observations that if only one party in the relationship is happy and the other isn't, the relationship is going to crash and burn. It's inevitable. And rather than just let it do that, it's better to just peacefully agree that it isn't working out and break up. I hesitated with the other person in my relationship, and it ended horribly. Our friendship is pretty much ruined. And who knows, it may have ended that way if I just broke up with them and didn't let the crap hit the fan. But I'm happy and I've moved on, and hopefully the other person will move on too.

Basically, change can happen, and if it works out in the end, that's great! But, if you or the other person is unhappy, in any way, it isn't worth it. And don't try to change for this person if the change will make you unhappy. It probably isn't worth it then. I'm sorry I don't really have the best advice, but I really hope it works out for you two. Best of luck!
 
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Duality Jack

Feeling Loki with it.
Honestly? My advice? Get the fuck out of there.
Passionless people are a drain on your life.
 

Ace_b._Garda

New Member
You may have to do the hard thing. By the sounds of it he may have lost interest in you. I always like to tell people to listen to there feelings cause if you don't you can cause a lot more harm than good. If you choose to try to end your relationship than what I recommend for the next one you get in to is to try to take things as slow as you can. When you go to fast into something it can end up hurting you or someone else, or it can just take out all the feelings in things in the long run. Trying to work things out was a good call, but if the other isn't even going to try to help make things better than it is best to let it die and try to move on if you can. I wish you luck on whatever you decide to do.
 

Misomie

Lazy Artist
@Jack- There's a difference between not be being passionate and not like being touched. I have a problem with being touched myself, just bugs me so much. However I was able to adapt to being ok with touch for my boyfriend, it took awhile for me to be ok with doing anything back (our first month was kinda funny when I think about it, him trying to kiss me and me dodging it). I'm also ok in some events (cosplay and such) but for the most part touch = bad. Sometimes even his touch annoys me, but that's mainly if I'm not in a cuddly mood and he is. As long as OP's boyfriend is telling the truth and willing to work on it she should at least give him a chance. However, I do admit, it's weird that this problem wasn't known about before now....
 

Hinalle K.

Banned
Banned
There's such a thing as people who don't like physical contact.

If you can't handle it just leave 'em.


It could be that you've gotten fat, or ugly, too, and he's too polite to tell ya. Did you?
 
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