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Critique: A wish come true

Arishipshape

Glaceon Ex-Knight
First, nifty scenario! A narrative take on the trolley problem, but giving the tied down dude the lever! I like it.

Narrating the setup (specifically the rare blood type part) was a tad clunky. I would adopt a show don't tell attitude, instead of straight up saying "a blood type so rare no one had it". Perhaps a scene with doctors outside Jack's room deliberating potential alternative blood types, only to shoot down every idea as implausible, and negotiate who has to give Jack the news? Anything that tells the reader what's going down without the narrating simply telling the reader what's going down.

Jack seems unreasonably bitter. Sure, he's dying, but death puts things in perspective, right? He would want to engage his sister, unless he's more cynical than your average brother. Why (besides dying) is he so emotionless, berating himself for the high crime of hoping to live? Perhaps a potential donor of blood was found earlier, but he refused (and wasn't sedated)? Leading to increased bitterness (and temptation when given the choice at the end) from Jack?

The unscrupulous doctor is in a rush, right? I envision him slamming the door open when he enters Jack's room. That would be more dramatic and sensory than a simple "door opening", and would break the calm of both the reader and Jack more sharply.
I also envision an evil chuckle after a few of his statements like "far more effective". Unless you're going for "not evil", I think that would be cool to add.
And when he confirms Jack's suspicions with a "yes", did he just say it? Or was it matter-of-factly? Or did he drawl? Give the doctor a voice, a personality beyond "smooth".

Additionally, he was "wrong" in some way, but not specified. Unless you're trying to share Jack's blurring vision with the reader, why not specify some aspects? Is his nose too big, is his hair too perfect, does his lab coat smell? Is he actually some sort of ghostly incorporeal apparition in Jack's mind? Besides the narration declaring "he is not to be trusted", why shouldn't he be trusted?

And I know this is supposed to be a moral dilemma for the reader to answer, but what happens next? Does Jack say "no" but the doctor is like "Oh, was that a yes I heard? Fantastic! *evil laughter*" and then Jack has to live with the consequences, perhaps investigating this potentially sham institution or meeting with surviving relatives of the man who died in his stead?
 

kingdragon2430

New Member
Hey guys, I'm looking for some critique on a short short story I wrote (1000 words). Any feedback is appreciated.
Here it is:
drive.google.com: A wish come true.docx

The suspense is very well done and the part at the end really makes you think. All I want to say is that you spelt a few things wrong like really, maybe look through it again and try to correct misspellings! Other than that it was really good!!
 
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Domjoe414

Guest
The suspense is very well done and the part at the end really makes you think. All I want to say is that you spelt a few things wrong like really, maybe look through it again and try to correct misspellings! Other than that it was really good!!
Thanks!
 
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