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Being single

zandelux

AKA Kardek
Well, this topic is really timely...I've been struggling with this a lot lately. I've gone through so many stages of denial and aversion to dating practices that I've let myself get quite a bit behind. But honestly I think I was just scared. I've lived a very sheltered life with a toxic family unit that basically co-opted me into husbandry for my two female family members, playing the role of supporter emotionally. It was codependant and awful. I got out a about a year and a half ago, and have bounced around the internet trying to get close to and have healthy relationships with people I met on there...I found a good few very good friends, but none are near me and it's left me feeling very alone.
All of this has sort of led me to realize I wanted a relationship...something I denied for years because was terrified of the bleak outlook for a sheltered guy so far behind everyone else, with ZERO experience in these things. And it's pretty crushing even now, as I try to salvage some kind of future from the really rough start I was given. That's why I'm here, trying to meet people...it's really hard, because I don't naturally seek social interaction, I have to force myself. And worse is that I discovered I'm demi, so it's exceedingly difficult for me to feel anything for a person unless I'm already close to them. :'3
It's helpful to see some of the similar stories here though. :3 were a lot of you raised very sheltered?
Wow, so many things you wrote fit my experience too. Toxic family? Check. Emotional supporter, A.K.A. stress ball? Check. You didn't mention passive-aggressive behavior, but it often shows up in these toxic family situations. It did for mine.

Luckily that's in the past for me. But it sucked for awhile because I still felt like I was behind everyone else. No matter how fast I ran, I could never seem to catch up. The good news is that what most of my peers were running towards (starting families), was not my path. Although I still get criticism from people that disagree with my life choices, I no longer feel behind because I am making my own path. Still, I would prefer to have a lifelong mate. I've dated a few people who expected me to know certain things about relationships despite my relative lack of experience... and were unwilling to teach me. I guess those people probably weren't good matches for me, but it still hurts.

I only know the dictionary definition of demisexual, but it doesn't sound all that different from wanting an emotional connection with someone before getting physical. And that seems pretty common to me. Do I have it wrong?
 

PhyloSallas

Member
Wow, so many things you wrote fit my experience too. Toxic family? Check. Emotional supporter, A.K.A. stress ball? Check. You didn't mention passive-aggressive behavior, but it often shows up in these toxic family situations. It did for mine.

Luckily that's in the past for me. But it sucked for awhile because I still felt like I was behind everyone else. No matter how fast I ran, I could never seem to catch up. The good news is that what most of my peers were running towards (starting families), was not my path. Although I still get criticism from people that disagree with my life choices, I no longer feel behind because I am making my own path. Still, I would prefer to have a lifelong mate. I've dated a few people who expected me to know certain things about relationships despite my relative lack of experience... and were unwilling to teach me. I guess those people probably weren't good matches for me, but it still hurts.

I only know the dictionary definition of demisexual, but it doesn't sound all that different from wanting an emotional connection with someone before getting physical. And that seems pretty common to me. Do I have it wrong?
Ah...Yeah, seems our experiences are very similar as well. And yes, passive aggressive behaviour was very common. I forgot to mention that, lol.

Oh, that's good you've managed to be okay with your own path. :3 I'm mostly there too, because I'm not really interested in having a family either. I have my goals, but yeah, I'd like a partner too. :3 I'm sorry you had difficulties...hopefully one day you'll find someone patient who's right for you. :)

Mmmm...Demi is more like, you don't feel attraction to a person at all until the emotional connection is deep. Unlike some people who will be attracted on sight, or take interest in a person based on little info. It's incredibly difficult for a Demi person to feel anything romantic or sexual for someone at that stage, and attempting to force it feels wrong. So dating at all is very difficult for demis.

Or at least that's my understanding of it...
 

zandelux

AKA Kardek
Mmmm...Demi is more like, you don't feel attraction to a person at all until the emotional connection is deep. Unlike some people who will be attracted on sight, or take interest in a person based on little info. It's incredibly difficult for a Demi person to feel anything romantic or sexual for someone at that stage, and attempting to force it feels wrong. So dating at all is very difficult for demis.
Thanks for the explanation. So it's not even necessarily about the sex... you don't feel any romantic feelings at all for someone unless you have an emotional connection. Would friendship count as an emotional connection for you? Does it have to be something deeper than what you feel towards a close friend?

I wish you the very best in your romantic pursuits as well! :3
 

PhyloSallas

Member
Thanks for the explanation. So it's not even necessarily about the sex... you don't feel any romantic feelings at all for someone unless you have an emotional connection. Would friendship count as an emotional connection for you? Does it have to be something deeper than what you feel towards a close friend?

I wish you the very best in your romantic pursuits as well! :3
Yeah, that's how it is for me, at least. :3 I can't feel anything at all for a person without being close through other means, pretty much friendship. :3 basically, my closest friends I've felt attraction to at one point or another, whether they felt it too or not.:'3 and my desire from that attraction is being even closer, yes. Close friendships for me are kinda like unrequited love in a way. XD

And thank you!! ^_^ that's very kind of you. <3
 

lavendercafe

New Member
For me, I don't really mind being single atm. While it gets lonely sometimes, the way I see it, you can't really love anyone else until you love yourself ya know? Honestly I'd rather just have platonic friends C:
 

Simo

Professional Watermelon Farmer
One good thing about being single: You still have the entire world to choose from, without the complications of already being in some or other relationship. It's like you've just opened a box of chocolates, and they're all right there, an index of possibilities, made all the more exhilarating by anticipation.
 

TyraWadman

The Brutally Honest Man-Child
One good thing about being single: You still have the entire world to choose from, without the complications of already being in some or other relationship. It's like you've just opened a box of chocolates, and they're all right there, an index of possibilities, made all the more exhilarating by anticipation.

I only like certain kinds of chocolates! >:T
 

PhyloSallas

Member
One good thing about being single: You still have the entire world to choose from, without the complications of already being in some or other relationship. It's like you've just opened a box of chocolates, and they're all right there, an index of possibilities, made all the more exhilarating by anticipation.
Lol I'd agree if there were that many options available to me. XD But it's difficult to find peeps who aren't taken. :'3
 

Glossolalia

just happy to be here
I only like certain kinds of chocolates! >:T

And sometimes you bite into the wrong one and it has a gross filling you didn't expect! And you already bit it, so you feel sort of guilty about throwing it out. And it's cute, and a nice enough guy, and you still sort of want to be friends, but it's too complicated.

I mean, chocolate.
 

Kit the fox

I am a proud therian! (And a furry) :3
I know I'm a furry and I'm "genetically " Human but I would buy a quadsuit and be a pet (how weird is that n-n)
 

TrishaCat

The Cat in the FAF
I have been single all my life
I dont know how to meet people, and everyone I do like that likes me back lives far away ;_;
Shit sucks fam
 

The Matte-Black Cat

Dark/Psychic-Timid Nature-Often lost in thought
Single after a (not so great) relationship of five years. It'll be a year since it ended the day after last Christmas.

I'm an oddball w/ morals. Along with that, my slight anger issues causes me to have zero tolerance when it comes to any sort of disrespect - even if it's a petty, little argument I could ignore..
I'm also hetero-demi, so the odds of me getting in relationships Often is super slim o_O
 

PhyloSallas

Member
I have been single all my life
I dont know how to meet people, and everyone I do like that likes me back lives far away ;_;
Shit sucks fam
Ooof...this is my exact situation. :( I'm sorry, I know how gut wrenching it feels to know people care about you but can't be near you...my best friend is Russian, most of my others are German, and the few in the US with me are mostly on the opposite coast. :'3
But hey, this right here is how you meet people. :3 connecting and sharing experiences, and finding stuff in common. I can't guarantee I'm close to you, but I'm happy to meet you! *hug*
 

NitroFastFur

Well-Known Member
Single here and enjoying it. Don't buy into media obsessed with the idea that the only way to be happy is to be in a romantic relationship.
Me too, though I don't get hugged anywhere near enough. I'm 'fun sized' and very huggy, so miss that a lot.
 

StolenMadWolf

resident Lab Wolf
I'm single and never been in a relationship. I would like to get together with someone eventully, but given my current circumstances I am more concerned about making sure I'm in a comfortable position before I start actually get into said relationships. And it would have to be something in real life, rather than online.
 

Monosuki the Aurian

Kyu the Braixen
I'm an introvert and my wife's the extrovert. She's always at a party and I stay home to recharge and we occasionally drag the other person back. It saves her from overextending herself and me from growing mold.

You're awesome and Guifrog and Yakamaru are right - don't take it dating seriously. No one should. If you're not having fun, you're in a bad spot. Dates should always be fun and reflect your interests. My wife and I hit it off on a passing comment, sarcastically making fun of our friends, realizing we both liked ice cream.

Our worst fights started as coffee vs tea. When we realized that, we were good.
Ah, that's understandable! Thanks again! I'll take all your kind words in deep meaning! And I'll hang on to the lessons here! And you are even more awesome!
 
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