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breakup advice?

Fival

Dead Inside
does anyone have any breakup advice?
I got out of a 3 year long relationship a couple months ago and it hasnt ended well. I have recently come to understand the entire relationship had been kind of toxic but I was naive and blind to it (love is blind heh heh kill me) but I still really care about her, we tried to be friends for awhile but that kind of fell apart, I dont really know what happened but last thing I know she hates me and everything thats gone wrong in her life is my fault? despite me literally doing nothing but support and be there for her while she was busy caring only about herself... and I dont know, she was my best friend and I really want things to be okay. I wish we could be friends again but I dont know if thats a possibility, I think maybe its her turn to put in some effort and contact me if she wants that? if she valued my friendship she'd contact me and try to fix things? but I hate how everything feels right now. I want things to be okay and I want to be able to move on
I dont know if I provided enough detail because idk theres a whole lot thats happened and I can provide more information if anyone would like

but does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom or anything at all?

I cant stop thinking about her and its awful and idk, everything has been awful, I really wish we could atleast be friends again

thanks in advance
 
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Somnium

The Sparklewolf
Banned
Thank her for the amazing time you had together and say that you feel you need to move on in your own life. Maybe write her a physical letter
 

FoxInTheCloset

The Over Caffeinated Vulpine
I'm sorry to hear about this. :(

I was never in a relationship as long as you were before it ended so I don't have to much advice to give. I want to say it all gets better sooner than later, but it is hard to move on when you separate from someone you cared about.
But if you ever want someone to talk to just message me, Ill keep a fluffy ear open and listen.
 

Zipline

Noodle Fish
When I broke up with my girlfriend we explained how it was not working out. We did not have classes together nor were in the same jogging group anymore so we went our separate ways and ended it with a handshake and still said hello in the hallway and spent time together in the same group but as friends. The rest ended when I moved away. The ones moving away did not take it as well because I did not tell them I was leaving until the last day as I was leaving. Such is life. It is easier to just remain friends unless they are toxic to your social life. Then avoid them. You will find another but it would be best to take a break and develop meow relations so not to dwell on your former.
 

StealYourFace

long live Jerry
You need closure, and it sounds like you were denied that. It's going to hurt a lot, and there will be days where, even when you think you've moved on, it's still hard to go about your day. I would suggest to write her a letter, tell her everything you haven't been able to yet. It's hard, but in time it will get easier and the waves of sadness will be further and further apart. Soon you'll be able to swim to shore instead of clinging to that piece of driftwood.
 

nerdbat

Green butt of reason
I had quite a nasty break up once. So, what can I say...
1) I may suggest you to slowly get things in your hands, step by step. Start seeing your friends more (since you're more likely than not didn't had as much time with them as when you were single, which is common when you're in relationship), indulge in your hobbies, do things you weren't able to do because of your relationship, enjoy your newly-obtained degree of freedom, and all that stuff. It can take a very long time, you might let yourself into jealousy bursts, there may be nightmares about your breakup, but after a while, you'll start noticing that living on your own isn't that bad, and your mind will be more or less clean.
2) Don't throw yourself into another relationship if you weren't healed from previous one. That may seem a good solution for your heartbreak, but believe me, more often than not this kind of "replacement" is going to hurt you even more in a long term.
3) Being friends with your ex will rarely work. It may work if you were in relationship for a couple of months or so, or if you splitted up on good terms (and kudos to people who can pull it off), but in almost every situation i've known, this "let's try to be friends" stuff is just a sign of denial - an attempt to keep a person you lost around you and fool yourself into thinking you still mean something big to him/her.
4) Hide any memorabilia somewhere, in a big tape-sealed box for example, so you don't have to deal with sudden memories as much. Destroying it completely isn't a good idea either - when you finally move on, there will be something good to remember about your past, after all.
 

Roughmaxen

New Member
You need closure, and it sounds like you were denied that. It's going to hurt a lot, and there will be days where, even when you think you've moved on, it's still hard to go about your day. I would suggest to write her a letter, tell her everything you haven't been able to yet. It's hard, but in time it will get easier and the waves of sadness will be further and further apart. Soon you'll be able to swim to shore instead of clinging to that piece of driftwood.

Closure, ah. a simple but very important tool to moving on. Biggest issue is that you can never force it out of someone, it is up to them to free your mind, whether it be a minute, or several years later. It helps rest your mind.
 

Fival

Dead Inside
Thanks you guys, I really do think one of the main problems is the lack of closure, but as roughmaxen put it, you cant force it and I dont think I can contact her at this point, I'm kind of scared to open that can of worms
 

Roughmaxen

New Member
This is gonna sound horrible... But one thing that helped me before getting closure is trying to imagine that your ex were a negative influence, or just convince yourself they weren't that special. Really hard to do.
 

Fival

Dead Inside
Yeah, thats hard, but also on thats kind of where Iv been working toward. like Im starting to realize our relationship was actually kind of toxic, like I supressed a lot of myself to make her happy and people kept trying to tell me that while we were still dating but i didnt listen

but like also its hard to see her as a "bad guy" because I care so damn much about her I want to believe she is perfect and that we were good together but like, thats not the way it really was, I have to let her shoulder the blame for her own actions and understand she isnt incredible, and that I can find someone who will treat me better
 
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Simply put. It's a bitch.
I was in a two year relationship.
We tried the whole friends thing, didn't really work, but on a good note, we do talk, like once every two months. Lol.
It's taking a long time for me to move on. It was the longest relationship I had, but anyways.
Time is everything. Realizing that she may not have been oh so great is another step. minimal communication so you can focus on yourself and getting into the swing of being single again.

Sometimes people just grow apart and sometimes people get spiteful.
I am sorry that it has happened, just in general.
Just take the time to be with yourself, don't worry about her, she will try to talk to you, then not talk at all, back and forth, but thats her way of going through and figuring things out for herself.

S'all good man. You got this.
 

Fival

Dead Inside
thanks toxicleakage, the space thing is hard because I think about her constantly and have a hard time suppressing the need to contact her, but overall its probably for the best. Iv just never been a patient person.

it helps to hear all this from you all, reaffirms that I'm hopefully on the right path to recovery
 

TidesofFate

Your friendly neighborhood Executioner
Just move on. You won't get over her right away, but you will gradually do it over time. Eventually, you won't care about her at all. Take it easy and do the things you enjoy.
 

Fival

Dead Inside
yeah, thats somthing I am working on, doing things I enjoy, I stopped doing a lot of things I liked, or atleast suppressed them more, while I was in the relationship because she didnt really approve of a lot of things
 
thanks toxicleakage, the space thing is hard because I think about her constantly and have a hard time suppressing the need to contact her, but overall its probably for the best. Iv just never been a patient person.

it helps to hear all this from you all, reaffirms that I'm hopefully on the right path to recovery
Space is hard. You will struggle with yourself. Honestly though, it's worth it. It makes you a stronger person.
I had to learn that the hard way unfortunately.
I wish you the best of luck and hey, you can message me any time if you need support or just someone to talk to.
It can get lonely.
 

TidesofFate

Your friendly neighborhood Executioner
yeah, thats somthing I am working on, doing things I enjoy, I stopped doing a lot of things I liked, or atleast suppressed them more, while I was in the relationship because she didnt really approve of a lot of things
That's not a kind of relationship you want. You should be able to do all of the hobbies you like and if someone doesn't approve you doing them, then it's not worth having.
 

Fival

Dead Inside
yeah, I need to remember that, I need to be with someone who lets me be me
 

Storok

670 blp
Then try an open relationship you can then have more then one and also you dont have to justify every of your actions for this person... I dont mean fuckbuddys I actually mean a relationship but where you dont have to justify yourself for everything
 

Fival

Dead Inside
an update, or rather slight personal victory, I have now gone I think almost 24 hours without checking up on her social media account to see what shes doing
 

Lea.Tigris

Reluctant Conversationalist
As someone who's going through something similar, I have some advice for you.
  1. Stay social. Go out with friends. Go things with them and being out with them will help you forget for a short while.
  2. Pursue new interests or rekindle old ones. Again, another distraction tactic, but it gives some new meaning to your life.
  3. Learn to forgive. This one is an odd one, and a hard one. It's not necessarily forgive her. It's more about forgiving yourself for acting and reacting in ways that are not desirable, such as being angry, check social media .etc.
  4. Make sure you're eating healthily and get come exercise if you can. Junk foods and sugars affect your mental state. I know it's hard when feeling down to not going reaching for the spoon and bucket of ice-cream, but healthier food will help you feel better. And exercise also has positive affects on your mental state and make you feel sexier. ;3
  5. Avoid alcohol and narcotics as a coping mechanism. This one is kind of a no brainer. Alcohol is a depressant, and drugs are bad, mkay?
  6. Be patient. This is the one I am struggling with the most. It feels like you'll feel like this forever, but you won't. You eventually start caring less and less and then you'll wake up and realise you made it out of this rough patch. It is a rough ride, but the old thing of "Time heals all wounds." Is true in this case.
It's a difficult thing to go through. Especially with so many strong emotions and thoughts buzzing around your head, but rather then focusing on what was, try taking it for face value and start focusing on you and what you need to get better.
Closure may not come right away. But focus on you and doing what you need to to get better.
 

Suki262

Bun-Bun
I have been down that road once upon a time. I had broke up with my ex (well he dumped me) after a long 3 1/2 year relationship as he pretty much cheated and disappeared off the face of the earth. After the break up, I felt deep down that there was a possibility that we could be friends again despite what has happened since me and him are both artists and could start up a business relationship. Instead of trying to make up for what he did, he pretty much got scared and told me to forget him even though he was the one who made the effort to contact me one last time to say this after 2 years of us not speaking to each other. Basically the moral of the story is, if the person is gonna be a self-centered bitch/asshole about what has happened and instead of trying to patch things up they just run away from the situation making things seem like it was your fault that things fell apart it's best that you just leave them alone as they are not worth your time.

It may be easier said than done, but in due time it will help you develop more thick skin and recover from the break up. Their an ex for a reason as they are examples of what you could learn from when you move onto the next relationship and don't try anything that has an expiration date on it as it went stale for a reason as not all relationships last as long as we want them to last so you mind as well enjoy the next relationship you get into for the moment and don't jump into things with expectations as your gonna get hurt that way.
 
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Fival

Dead Inside
I think this is very good advice, thank you all, my heart goes out to those who share these experiences because this is awful to go through, but you guys are right, it will get better with time
Something I am coming to realize is this is somthing most people go through, more than once, breakups are a thing and they are probably almost always painful? I always thought I would be the exception, I would find my happily ever on the first shot, but I now realize thats probably not how life usually works
 

Fival

Dead Inside
okay update, I broke and checked her tumblr, she unfollowed me on tumblr and that makes me really sad because Iv been clinging to the hope she wanted to mend things and just needed a little time and then shed get in contact with me and we'd talk it over and everything would be fine and we could be friends but I feel like thats a sign she never plans on being in contact with me ever again

but she also rebloged a post that said this: "if you needed a sign, this is it. text first. get your well deserved rest. take a bath. cry a little. forgive your friend. forgive yourself. become the person you’ve always wanted to be, now is your time."

so what does that mean? is that aimed at me, should I contact her, Im probably over thinking this

this is the worst, I should have left it alone and not looked, I probably just need to forget about her and stop clinging to the friend thing like you guys have said but its hard, I think about old times and I want it back, I mean maybe not the same thing, but the happy friends part, I miss our jokes and our conversations and hanging out and I dont know

bluh
 

Somnium

The Sparklewolf
Banned
idk maybe contact her and say how you feel about this. I think it's better to follow your heart.
 
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