Comic Critique Needed! (84 pages) SFW ver.

[PlusThirtyOne]

Here it is! The revival of my comic project! i've been working on it since the FA forums pooped out and it's going to launch as soon as i get a little more feedback. Since the days of the FA forums meltdown, i've added a number of pages to flesh out character development, redrawn several pages, added new elements and remixed the plot a tiny bit. if you've read the comic already (of only 54 pages), i still suggest leafing through it ONE MORE time to see the differences and refresh yourself with the plot. The first and last pages are virtually the same but i've added 30 new pages to the center. 10 additional pages are currently in the works but enough about that: Back to the comic...

'iN THE LOOP' is a comic project that's gone through many updates, changes and revisions and i'm sure there might be a few more. With that in mind, i'm open to new ideas. Nothing on these pages is set in stone. Everything is subject to change. After the first couple of chapters are out of the way, the series format will devolve into short 5-6 panel cartoons with occasional multi-page stories. These first few pages or so are here to set a foundation for future shorts. i started this story over 10 years ago and several panels and pages were drawn roughly that long ago. Some parts have aged better than others so please forgive me if the art changes in quality from time to time.

STORY​

Kara is a self-titled "Nerd".
She's an introverted, strangely quiet girl "irl" but near the polar opposite online. After saving up and moving far from her childhood rural home to the city, she starts a new life to reinvent herself. Without the worry of working full time, she lively posts her stories and shares her dreams with the world through video streams and hosts a series of self made videos. She reviewing movies, games, news and shares opinions. Six months and a hundred or so articles later, she's gone from a "nobody" to "somebody" in the world of online video blogging, built on an extended family of viewers and followers who watch her weekly blogs and read her daily thoughts. Kara is happy to share nearly everything about her daily life and opinions online.

-everything except her romantic life. ​

After her video blog starts gaining traction, she's contacted by a fan; a photographer and editor who happens to work for a growing internet culture magazine. While looking to expand their offices and open a branch in Kara's new home city, it turns out that her new downtown home is located close by several potential office locations. What better way to pitch a possible partnership than to host and tour around a company employee? With possibilities abound, Kara's future as a full-time journalist may just take off! internet stardom, sponsorship deals and cross-network promotions are just the beginning! Everything is looking great!

-until her romantic practice comes into question. ​

Highlight for story spoiler : Kara is polyamorous; (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory) meaning she has multiple loving relationships. Despite that bit, the focus of the story isn't on the sexual aspect, but the social and nerdy side. i've always wondered (and feared) what it'd be like to be internet famous. Kara accidentally becomes famous over a short period of time and her life is flipped upside down while she struggles to keep her private life private and public life (as well as he girlfriends) in check. The first 60 pages deal with her first initial struggle; exposing herself to her company insider! The first few pages are pretty predictable but i plan on taking the story in some interesting directions later on. (end spoilers)

'iN THE LOOP' is a slice-of-life romantic comedy drama with a dash of nerdy humor in later pages. Videogames, movies, pop-culture and tech all play a role in the story and setting, LGBT culture notwithstanding. Chances are if you're on a computer reading it, there's something in it for you. The comic gets a little lewd (18+) from time to time later on but it isn't just for show. Each character has his/her own personality that will show through the comic. Some characters are crass and some are sweet. Some are sexy and others quite prudish. 'iN THE LOOP' is meant to be far more than "porn with a story". in fact, i fully intend to make layer masks and censored options for readers less inclined and most 18+ pages and side stories will be completely optional.

PAGES


00 - 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07​

08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15​

16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23​

24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - 31​

32 - 33 - 34 - 35 - 36 - 37 - 38 - 39​

40 - 41 - 42 - 43 - 44 - 45 - 46 - 47​

48 - 49 - 50 - 51 - 52 - 53 - 54 - 55​

56 - 57 - 58 - 59 - 60 - 61 - 62 - 63​

64 - 65 - 66 - 67 - 68 - 69 - 70 - 71​

72 - 73 - 74 - 75 - 76 - 77 - 78 - 79​

80 - 81 - 82 - 83 - 84 - 85 - 86 - 87

RED page links are intentionally left out for now!
NSFW pages coming soon. Please see explanation below. ​

 

[PlusThirtyOne]

WHAT i NEED FROM YOU​

The more you can critique, the better. As to be expected, there may be typos and grammar errors so i need full coverage. i need details, ideas, corrections, art critique, writing suggestions, etc. i need feedback on the art, dialogue change suggestions, story consistency, plot hole filling, alternate scene ideas, etc. Feel free to ask any questions and make any suggestions you'd like. i want to create a slice-of-life comic with wide appeal but i don't want to stray too far from the original idea. Be honest, be brutal but please be helpful. i'm not seeking praise, i'm looking for ideas. i want to know what i'm doing right and what i need to fix. As soon as i get some feedback and make some changes, i'll start posting the comic on FA. There's still a lot more to come but i need to hammer out the prologue first. Thank you all for helping me with this, especially those who were asked via PM. i got a lot to work done and fixed a few goofs since you might have read it last. (Big edits may come later)

UPDATE LOG
​

February 27th, 2016 - Thanks to 'thanksforthetea' and 'Sforzie' for suggestions and edits! (pages 13 and 81)
February 4th, 2016 - Thanks to 'BerryBubbleBlast' for helping me recover this post!

FAQ
(please read the comic first
before reading any further)
​

Why are there missing pages?
Not every page is necessary to get the full scope of the story. Some pages were left out either due to further editing or they contain NSFW details. i'm leaving those pages out of the first draft. Not everyone needs (or wants) to see that stuff. These pages will eventually be shown after some helpful critique and i post them on FA. Don't worry. They aren't important...yet. They will be later but not now.

Why do you draw X like that? You need to update your style!
While i greatly appreciate the input, please keep in mind that i like this "style". i can draw in several different "styles" and mediums outside of this but i like the "style" i've established here, specifically for this comic. i like manga/kemono! Yes, there's still plenty of room for improvement and yes, i'm ready and willing to redraw some panels but i have no plans on switching up my "style". if you have tips and thoughts on body anatomy or think a character pose looks "off", please tell me. i'm open to that! -But please don't complain about "anime hair" and "big eyes".

What's with the alternating BW and color pages?
Most pages will follow a pattern of 6 BW and then 2 color pages. This is intentional to keep the flow of the cartoon, allowing me to put out more frequent updates as well as highlight- *AHEM* ...special moments in color. The first two gaps of missing color pages are for character profiles and their personal information. These pages get quite personal so they will be flagged NSFW when they're done.

What changes will be made between this draft and the final version?
Anything from character motivation to setting to dialogue. You'll just have to wait and see. if there's something you like to see changed, let me know! (...and i mean anything)

Wha-? What's going on? What scenes happen in what order!?
The title of the comic, 'in the Loop' is not only a reference to a poly loop. i wanted to tell these stories in a circular arc. The end of each short story should wrap back around, full circle. i've written more story arcs that "loop" around similarly. Later on, once the renovations are done on Abbie's building, new tenants move in and inquire about the other residents. Each character has a story to tell and they're told in such a way that they all wrap up back where the story started. Stories about how they met, established their relationships, jobs, etc. but that's just the long form stories. Shorts and single/dual page stories probably won't follow this pattern.

Why are the images so small? i can't read them!
imgur.com automatically resizes most large images to fit your desktop resolution. if you're having trouble reading the text, just click the "view full size" button in the top right corner. Don't worry, all pages for the comic are done at 2620x4500 pixel res. FA's max 1280 resolution still looks readable as far as i can tell.

What's in it for me? (the reader)
i plan to credit those who critique. i also have open spaces for contributors' characters (fursonae and the like) to take cameo roles, background faces and the like just for fun. While i can't promise anybody that their character(s) will make appearances in the comic, i'll try to find ways to thank anyone who throws in their two cents. The more you critique and help, the more likely you are to be written in. (but not as main characters)

i look forward to all your helpful critique! <3​

 

[thanksforthetea]

I only had a chance to look at some of the pages, so pardon my lack of full blown critique.

I found the pages I did read rather enjoyable. The pacing seemed decent, as well as the ease of reading the page.

However I found the facial expressions of the characters very... Same-y. Of the ten or so pages I skimmed (randomly throughout of the comic), I think I saw a couple of different expressions, but not by much. Lots of open-mouthed smiley faces. I know you're trying to emulate manga style, and that's totally cool, but it seems very cookie-cutter.

What I would do personally would be look at some of my favourite manga and see what the artist did to show an emotion. Example would be for me I really like Cardcaptor Sakura. How did they show the main character if she was angry? What about her friend? Her sidekick? What about sad? How do they show her happy? Also if they are talking it's totally ok to have their mouth closed sometimes to show difference in the art.

Overall it's looking like it's shaping up to be a rather solid comic. Good job!

 

[Sforzie]

What I see so far is promising. Cute, energetic, font is legible. You seem comfortable in your drawing. (Which is important to me, really. I don't care if someone's art needs improvement if their personal 'voice' still comes through what they're drawing.) I do agree with Tea's thoughts on the same face-y feeling, in a 'everyone has the same muzzle' sort of feeling. (I'm still working on that issue myself.) Sometimes in profile shots (on page 75, for example), the ears are so large that it looks as though the back of the skull is missing? I'm not sure if that makes sense. The head looks squished, I guess.
*smooshes face*

 

[PlusThirtyOne]

I only had a chance to look at some of the pages, so pardon my lack of full blown critique.

I found the pages I did read rather enjoyable. The pacing seemed decent, as well as the ease of reading the page.

However I found the facial expressions of the characters very... Same-y. Of the ten or so pages I skimmed (randomly throughout of the comic), I think I saw a couple of different expressions, but not by much. Lots of open-mouthed smiley faces. I know you're trying to emulate manga style, and that's totally cool, but it seems very cookie-cutter.

What I would do personally would be look at some of my favourite manga and see what the artist did to show an emotion. Example would be for me I really like Cardcaptor Sakura. How did they show the main character if she was angry? What about her friend? Her sidekick? What about sad? How do they show her happy? Also if they are talking it's totally ok to have their mouth closed sometimes to show difference in the art.

Overall it's looking like it's shaping up to be a rather solid comic. Good job!

Thanks! i'll change a few expressions for the next draft. Are there any particular panels where the expression didn't fit? Admittedly, i know i worked myself into a corner with the character's faces. New characters coming down the line in the story will vary a bit more. Promise. At this point there's only so many expression changes i can make without changing up emotions but yes, i completely see what you mean. Other problem is, if the character is talking, there's only a handful of appropriate mouth shapes, depending on what they're saying. Would varying their mouth shapes be enough to save it at least a little? i'll give the comic another run through and scribble up some different mouth shapes.

What I see so far is promising. Cute, energetic, font is legible. You seem comfortable in your drawing. (Which is important to me, really. I don't care if someone's art needs improvement if their personal 'voice' still comes through what they're drawing.) I do agree with Tea's thoughts on the same face-y feeling, in a 'everyone has the same muzzle' sort of feeling. (I'm still working on that issue myself.) Sometimes in profile shots (on page 75, for example), the ears are so large that it looks as though the back of the skull is missing? I'm not sure if that makes sense. The head looks squished, I guess.
*smooshes face*

is it literally the muzzle that's the problem? Abbie is the only canine, illustrated by the longer muzzle but all the other characters are felines. Yes, the feline characters' ears are all back in the shot, covering the backs of their heads. Abbie typically has her ears forward with the exception of a few panels. Does her profile shot look okay? What about these profile shots? This is why i need critique! i've been starring at these illustrations too long to see my flaws! :V

Thank you both for the feedback!

 

[thanksforthetea]

Thanks! i'll change a few expressions for the next draft. Are there any particular panels where the expression didn't fit? Admittedly, i know i worked myself into a corner with the character's faces. New characters coming down the line in the story will vary a bit more. Promise. At this point there's only so many expression changes i can make without changing up emotions but yes, i completely see what you mean. Other problem is, if the character is talking, there's only a handful of appropriate mouth shapes, depending on what they're saying. Would varying their mouth shapes be enough to save it at least a little? i'll give the comic another run through and scribble up some different mouth shapes.



is it literally the muzzle that's the problem? Abbie is the only canine, illustrated by the longer muzzle but all the other characters are felines. Yes, the feline characters' ears are all back in the shot, covering the backs of their heads. Abbie typically has her ears forward with the exception of a few panels. Does her profile shot look okay? What about these profile shots? This is why i need critique! i've been starring at these illustrations too long to see my flaws! :V

Thank you both for the feedback!

I quickly went through some pages and found page 81. They all are talking with a large, open mouth with open eyes. It's not that the expressions don't fit, it's just it all is the same and feels bland.

To be honest, there is a wiiiiide variety of faces you can make. Watch actors in a movie, or even a Disney movie. Look at comics, or manga. You can get the same emotion conveyed using a wide range of emotions.

Disney made a movement where if your character is doing something, exaggerate it. If you'd like an example I can find what Disney has shown to be useful for animators and artists.

 

[Sforzie]

is it literally the muzzle that's the problem? Abbie is the only canine, illustrated by the longer muzzle but all the other characters are felines. Yes, the feline characters' ears are all back in the shot, covering the backs of their heads. Abbie typically has her ears forward with the exception of a few panels. Does her profile shot look okay? What about these profile shots? This is why i need critique! i've been starring at these illustrations too long to see my flaws! :V

Well, I suppose it's not literally the muzzle that's the problem. They do vary slightly from character to character. Except... with the grayscale, at a passing glance most of the characters are difficult (for me) to differentiate. The cats (they're mostly cats, right?) all have similar hairdos, to the point where sometimes the only way to tell them apart on close up panels is 'which one is talking with the funny accent'. And when the 'coloring' used for a particular character changes within the course of one page, I'm not sure if it's another character or not. (You'll have to remember that some of your readers will be old and slow and stupid like me.)
For my own (admittedly very same-facey) webcomic I keep a 'color sheet', since the pages are almost all in grays. That lets me keep everyone's colors consistent from page to page. (Even though the main couple's hair colors are almost the same in grayscale. oops.)

But, because of that issue (and my dumb), I'm not really sure how many characters are in the comic. I'm not even sure which one is Abbie. T_T

Also, I hope you don't mind my doodling on your work, but I Tried to show you what I meant about the back of the skull thing. :x Hope this helps get what I meant across!

 

[PlusThirtyOne]

I quickly went through some pages and found page 81. They all are talking with a large, open mouth with open eyes. It's not that the expressions don't fit, it's just it all is the same and feels bland.

Agreed. i see what you mean. Too much of one face on one page can get a bit stale, regardless of its appearance on other pages. it's not much, but i made a few facial edits and changed a few lines to better reflect the change in emotion. Kara's shivering panel in the top right loses a little bit of detail when it gets downsized. She's actually gritting her teeth but it's hard to notice her jagged teeth in lower resolution. The original files are 2620x4482 pixels. Maybe she needs bigger, more evident teeth?

-at a passing glance most of the characters are difficult (for me) to differentiate. The cats (they're mostly cats, right?) all have similar hairdos, to the point where sometimes the only way to tell them apart on close up panels is 'which one is talking with the funny accent'. And when the 'coloring' used for a particular character changes within the course of one page, I'm not sure if it's another character or not. (You'll have to remember that some of your readers will be old and slow and stupid like me.)
For my own (admittedly very same-facey) webcomic I keep a 'color sheet', since the pages are almost all in grays. That lets me keep everyone's colors consistent from page to page. (Even though the main couple's hair colors are almost the same in grayscale. oops.)

But, because of that issue (and my dumb), I'm not really sure how many characters are in the comic. I'm not even sure which one is Abbie. T_T

Also, I hope you don't mind my doodling on your work, but I Tried to show you what I meant about the back of the skull thing. :x Hope this helps get what I meant across!

Your doodle helped; that's fine! in fact, thank you. What you caught was actually a coloring goof. Yes, inari's hair was meant to be colored back so i made the appropriate fix. Her ears are back, but one of them is still slightly perked (in surprise). As for the hair flip, i have no excuse. Lots of cartoons do that, mostly out of laziness. in my case, i flipped the illustration for continuity in regard to character placement. Besides, none of my characters have hair parts on particular sides so i tend to swap sides with their details, depending on the direction they're facing. As for the common hairstyle shared between three of them, i backed myself into a corner when i designed them. i just got lazy and didn't want to redraw old pages...
Also, if you don't mind my asking, did you read the whole comic? if you're having trouble telling how many character there are or who Abbie is, then i certainly messed up somewhere! There's 4 main characters in these pages: if you look at my avatar, Abbie is the top left, inari is to the right and Kara is on the bottom. Rose isn't up there, though. Abbie's the canine with longer hair. Kara's hair is blonde (and therefore white in BW) and yes, i do keep a -very limited- key for shade consistency. The characters keep the same tone throughout the comic unless they're lighted differently. Rose's hair is colored similar to inari's but the latter has Asian eyes, pink muzzle and fuzzier cheeks. i know there's only so much you can do with BW and grey scale. i'll keep your suggestions in mind going forward.

 

[thanksforthetea]

Agreed. i see what you mean. Too much of one face on one page can get a bit stale, regardless of its appearance on other pages. it's not much, but i made a few facial edits and changed a few lines to better reflect the change in emotion. Kara's shivering panel in the top right loses a little bit of detail when it gets downsized. She's actually gritting her teeth but it's hard to notice her jagged teeth in lower resolution. The original files are 2620x4482 pixels. Maybe she needs bigger, more evident teeth?



Your doodle helped; that's fine! in fact, thank you. What you caught was actually a coloring goof. Yes, inari's hair was meant to be colored back so i made the appropriate fix. Her ears are back, but one of them is still slightly perked (in surprise). As for the hair flip, i have no excuse. Lots of cartoons do that, mostly out of laziness. in my case, i flipped the illustration for continuity in regard to character placement. Besides, none of my characters have hair parts on particular sides so i tend to swap sides with their details, depending on the direction they're facing. As for the common hairstyle shared between three of them, i backed myself into a corner when i designed them. i just got lazy and didn't want to redraw old pages...
Also, if you don't mind my asking, did you read the whole comic? if you're having trouble telling how many character there are or who Abbie is, then i certainly messed up somewhere! There's 4 main characters in these pages: if you look at my avatar, Abbie is the top left, inari is to the right and Kara is on the bottom. Rose isn't up there, though. Abbie's the canine with longer hair. Kara's hair is blonde (and therefore white in BW) and yes, i do keep a -very limited- key for shade consistency. The characters keep the same tone throughout the comic unless they're lighted differently. Rose's hair is colored similar to inari's but the latter has Asian eyes, pink muzzle and fuzzier cheeks. i know there's only so much you can do with BW and grey scale. i'll keep your suggestions in mind going forward.

Awesome! Works a lot better!!

 

[Sforzie]

*all the things she said, all the things she said*

Admittedly, I didn't read the whole comic. I started around 57 and went forward, mostly skimming because I'm at work (oops) and was trying to get a feel for things. Because this I didn't notice: 1) There were four characters, and 2) they're all girls. (Maybe I should be getting my eyes checked.) O_O This became more evident when I went and looked back through the first fifteen or twenty pages.
*cough* That being admitted, I'm okay with the flipping of hair and the ear placement, more or less, since it's a stylistic choice and it's consistent.
As for the hair issue, you could pick one character to adjust the hairdo on, either going back or just going forward. If there's a day change, one can just style their hair differently in the morning. Or something. It doesn't have to be drastic, it could be something as simple as their bangs look different in a profile shot.
A character page, with each character mocked up in grayscale, might also help out people like me who need their eyes checked. :x

 

[PlusThirtyOne]

As for the hair issue, you could pick one character to adjust the hairdo on, either going back or just going forward. If there's a day change, one can just style their hair differently in the morning. Or something. It doesn't have to be drastic, it could be something as simple as their bangs look different in a profile shot.

Rose has her hair up in a few pages for the office inspection but that's the only big differences in regards to hair. i specifically avoided changing anyone's hairdo too much within these pages for the same reason mentioned before; the character designs are admittedly similar. -At least their hair styles. Don't know if i should go back and completely draw anyone's hair but i'll definitely be working to differentiate them all going forward. i think i've redrawn these pages enough times. i need to MOVE ON. Will keep your ideas in mind going forward. Other and future characters will have different 'dos. Kara and inari will be keeping their style, however.