Critique for a (NSFW) visual novel script

[RedRabbit]

So I'm working on a script for a furry visual novel and I'm looking for feedback on my first draft. The story is about a repressed college student who accidentally awakens a meso-american god of sexuality. It's very "I Dream of Genie," but with furries and sexual misadventure :3

My main concerns at this point are creating believable and likable characters, and balancing the story segments with the sexy stuff. I don't want to bury the explicit content behind pages of setup, but I still want the underlying place and characters to feel alive and engaging. I'm not especially interested in format notes - the layout here is for ease-of-use when I transcribe it into the game engine. Having said that if anything is unclear in the delivery of a line, definitely let me know.

Thank you for the feedback!

www.furaffinity.net: Tail-quila Visual Novel Script Ch1 Part1 by RedRabbit

 

[PercyD]

The idea certainly sounds interesting~.
I'll check it out!

 

[PercyD]

So like-!
From what I saw, it's pretty good. You did start off strong. I would say maybe do a little set up for the setting, since it seems to matter to your plot.
But these can just be setting the scene- pan outs of the characters. Maybe do some high ceilings and architecture to give a sense of mysticism.

Plus having still scenes like this sets the tone without bogging the story down with set up. Show! Don't tell~~.

The rest of the scenes and action seems good. The main character, make sure she has some distinctive feature so that it transitions well from the first scene to the next. Twisted nose, a notch ear, maybe an unusual yet striking body shape/type. It might not be enough to just say, "it's the same".