Critique Me! (NSFW?)

[GamingGal]

Hey guys!

So, I tend to not write a lot. I love writing, but distractions get in the way. That being said, I wrote a poem last night. It took a direction I wasn't expecting in that it was a bit more erotic than I had planned, but I let the poem do what it wanted and simply went along with it. If I could get some feedback, that would be lovely.

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/GamingGal/1529040/

The more detailed the crit the better, but a sentence or two is fine by me. I think knowing others are reading my work and potentially liking it or encouraging me will help me keep a BIT more accountable in my writing.

 

[FeralArrow]

Very nice, and emotive!

I will say though, generally I feel like the best poetry is trying to get at some meaning beyond what it is actually describing. And in that regard, this poem seems more like a personal, pleasant descriptor of an event. Some people might disagree with me about this, but outside of having that moment of "aw" or "wow" or having some sort of other fleeting moment of connection, there isn't a whole lot that this poem is actually trying to say, and that makes it - in some ways - meaningless to an arbitrary reader.

The closest thing I can get to some sort of layered meaning is in this section:

Your hands tenderly cradle my heart and my soul
Fingers untying the strings that keep me here
And, finally, setting me free

This seems to be hinting that, prior to experiencing this moment with this person, they felt somehow suppressed. I have some hardcore individualist/feminist friends (though the speaker isn't necessarily female) that would think this concept is problematic; that the speaker is in some way reliant on someone else to take the reigns in their life. And that's something that is interesting to explore, however, I don't feel like there is a whole lot of buildup towards that.

That's not to say I didn't like the poem; it's beautiful and vivid, but that by itself isn't quite enough to grasp my interest most of the time. I love a good sexy/love poem when it pushes boundries.

I hope I made sense, haha.

By the way, you might find another way to share the poem; that website requires a membership to see it. I went ahead and created one, but lazyness might prevent some people from giving it a look. Maybe an alternate GoogleDocs link?

 

[GamingGal]

Thanks for the crit! By the way, it seems I had set the content rating to Mature, which stopped it from being able to be seen from non-account users. That has now been changed :3

You are correct in that the poem itself is geared towards a specific person, which might make it a bit harder to tap into for an outside, random reader. I took a feeling and tried to find a way to express that to said person, which probably makes it a bit harder for you guys to get a feeling for my style/writing since it isn't a piece for everyone haha. The part you quote was my attempt at expressing the feeling I feel during intimacy with this person, specifically orgasm. I'm the sap who views sex as an intimate, personal thing, so I generally describe it with a more reverent spin than the hardcore nasty details some might use. Not only that, but that part was my way of expressing the freedom they make me feel when I'm with them.

All in all, you make lots of sense and you put forth good thoughts. Thank you for the read!