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Critique please?

Kahoku

Forgive Yourself
Now, I don't know how many writers are actually out there, but I could use some insight.
I haven't written anything in years, and just got back to it, so if you have the time please help me with my drama

Lifestyles :
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7627077

I am going to add more action into this later (guns, violence, maybe adult scenes.....not too many of those), but I could use an honest opinion. Because I know its not the best, but I am trying to get there.
 
I'm gonna comment on some technical stuff:

First off, review paragraph rules. In addition to the information given in that link you should keep in mind that dialogue has it's own rules for paragraphs. Basically every time you switch to a new speaker that is a new paragraph. There is a page somewhere on the writer's forum that deals with dialogue, I believe one of the sticky notes has a link to it. This will vastly improve the readability of your work (currently it is not only intimidating but easy to get lost in the blocks of text - you have one that stretches for a page an a half!) which in turn means more people will be willing to read it.

On a related note, it seems like your margin settings are changing. This really isn't a huge deal but I personally found it distracting.

Unless you are printing your work out keep it black text on white background, again this improves readability. There are actually people on here that will recommend only posting .txt files because that is all people tend to want to read; they will generally ignore a story if they have to download a file.


As for the actual writing -

There are two things I noticed that I think would help your writing.

The first is you have a tendency to show, not tell. For example after he is smacked right in the beginning you tell us he remains calm, but it would be much more effective to just show us he is remaining calm. You actually have a wonderful way to do this in your story already -- Him taking out the stick of gum and starting to chew it. Simply push that up with something like:

"He rubbed his sore cheek as she stormed off, pulling out a pack of gum and popping a piece into his mouth."

By showing your readers they are allowed to come to their own conclusions which makes the information you have passed along that much more meaningful. In this case they aren't merely told he is calm but have actually witnessed it, which makes it that much more real.


My second suggestion more has to deal with word choice and I am not sure if there is technically anything wrong. Examples:

Kijha worked in the customer service department for a Sears store and the stories you would hear, you could shit a better story than some of these people came up with.

In this case I would replace the 'you' with 'he.' The reason is that 'you' refers to the reader and the reader does not hear these stories, Kijha does! Even if the reader happens to work at a Sears they are not going to hear the same stupid stories that your character encounters, so 'you' feels like the wrong word to me.

“What a fucking day…” he mumbled to himself just a little tired like.

For this one I would remove the words 'little' and 'like' as they are unnecessary. The 'like' at the end actually may be OK if you are trying to give the story a sort of country feel, however that does not seem to be the case given the earlier writing. The 'little' just makes things needlessly wordy. Someone is either tired or they are not. If they aren't very tired you should use a different description, like drained or worn out. Basically any time you use a modifier for a word you should check to see if there isn't some other description that you can use which lacks the modifier, otherwise you will find that your story is filled with people being 'a little' this or 'slightly' that.
 

Kahoku

Forgive Yourself
Thanks!
I can get to editing soon, I really need to brush up a bit on this again. Such a list! D:! I expected to be five pages of errors.
 

Kahoku

Forgive Yourself
Again I want to say thank you so much for your help, this is really useful.

I just got back home, I am going to start right away on some edits. ( Reading the links too, before that. )
 
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Kahoku

Forgive Yourself
Its up again, I made edits!

I don't know if more need to be done, but I am going to do better with the second part next! It's still not perfect, but I will get better in time.

Again, for the third time thanks.

* more critiques are okay to me, I won't learn other wise.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7646735/
 
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