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Critique request: Cabin Fever (possible comic)

Fay V

Lost to this world
I wasn't sure where to put this, but basically I have this old story that I want to turn into a comic. The thing is I am not sure that the pacing works. I was just wondering if I could get some readers to tell me if they would read a comic adaption, or if the pacing is too slow at first.
It's a fantasy story, around 10 pages (2700 words). It wasn't written as a furry work, but it will be adapted to a furry comic.

I posted it here
 

M. LeRenard

Is not French
I think it's pretty good. Most of it is paced well (the fight, the dream, things like that), but actually as a whole I'd say it moves a little too fast for a good dramatic effect. I'm speaking in terms of this piece, the story, rather than this piece, the comic, of course.
How it is right now, there's no reason for us to believe this guy was ever an accountant. He never once acts like one, or has any significant yearning to go back to that life. I didn't guess a witch's spell exactly, but I knew something funny was going on pretty quick. So try to drag out the whole 'you're an accountant' side of things a little longer; make it seem like he really loves this lady that he thinks is his wife, and so on. And then make it so he's not so quick to accept that this fellow Rat is really someone he knows; have it dawn on him slowly, and have him fight it at first. And then I think it'll get a better effect.
It is pretty hard to pull that kind of thing off with a piece of short fiction, though. Maybe you can make the comic a little longer.
Other than that, though, it's very well written and pretty engaging.
 

Fay V

Lost to this world
Thank you very much.
This was written under the guideline that it absolutely had to be under 3000 words. I tend to be more verbose in my writing so it was challenging. This kind of feedback is really helpful. I want to work out how to tie in the fever excuse without making it too forced, which seems to be the most frustrating part. It's difficult to have the backstory not really add up, but at the same time make it subtle enough that as soon as someone hears it they go "well that's stupid" and stop reading.
 
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