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Critique request - Skift, Ever Optimistic

Gavrill

ladies~
The story is here.

Summary: The backstory for my cat-eared character, Skift, and where her (annoying) optimism comes from. Also peeps into the stories of other characters, including Dominique (the dog) and Kvite Russer (the bartender binturong).

Content: No cursing, sex, or violence in this one. Or anything really noteworthy, methinks.

Critiquing: I would really like grammar/spelling critique first and foremost, seeing as I haven't written a proper "story" in a while. All other types of critique accepted and encouraged.
 

Bladespark

Member
I didn't catch any obvious grammatical errors, though heaven knows I've been known to miss them.

I will say that I'm having a little trouble with a cat not realizing that humans weren't her real parents. That's a bit... dunno. Just hard to swallow. If she's old enough to speak, and understand the man who gave her a blanket and told her to get off the streets, she should be old enough to be aware of the adoption that happened after that.

Perhaps you could make her younger in that memory flash, and make the memory itself a bit more fuzzy, a bit more "seen through toddler's eyes" than the current, very aware of language, identity, and abstract concepts like generosity, etc. version. (Understanding "generosity" isn't something a toddler or very young child can do, after all.)

I wouldn't mind seeing a little more fleshed out description as well, it's a bit short and choppy, but that one might just be my taste, I tend to be verbose.

Just my $.02.

Oh, also, "Dominique" as a male name? *is baffled and confused*
 

Fiesta_Jack

Calix Meus Inebrians
A few spelling errors. "Grocies", and "bt" instead of "groceries" and "but". Probably a few more.

Overall, pretty solid, but I agree with Bladespark, I think it would feel more believable if the memory were a bit more fuzzy, and her mental capacities were more childlike. It IS her first memory, after all.
 

Gavrill

ladies~
I didn't catch any obvious grammatical errors, though heaven knows I've been known to miss them.

I will say that I'm having a little trouble with a cat not realizing that humans weren't her real parents. That's a bit... dunno. Just hard to swallow. If she's old enough to speak, and understand the man who gave her a blanket and told her to get off the streets, she should be old enough to be aware of the adoption that happened after that.

Perhaps you could make her younger in that memory flash, and make the memory itself a bit more fuzzy, a bit more "seen through toddler's eyes" than the current, very aware of language, identity, and abstract concepts like generosity, etc. version. (Understanding "generosity" isn't something a toddler or very young child can do, after all.)

I wouldn't mind seeing a little more fleshed out description as well, it's a bit short and choppy, but that one might just be my taste, I tend to be verbose.

Just my $.02.

Oh, also, "Dominique" as a male name? *is baffled and confused*
I didn't describe it well enough, but she's a catgirl, not a full-anthro cat. And in this particular universe or whatever (I will think of a better way to describe that), anthro features can pop up in human children, since anthros and humans interbreed quite a bit. Ears/tails are a recessive trait.

And yeah, I agree. Her memory is a bit too clear in this one. I intend to flesh it out more, thanks for mentioning that.

And...yeah. I've never heard Dominique used as a female name o_O



A few spelling errors. "Grocies", and "bt" instead of "groceries" and "but". Probably a few more.

Overall, pretty solid, but I agree with Bladespark, I think it would feel more believable if the memory were a bit more fuzzy, and her mental capacities were more childlike. It IS her first memory, after all.

I was writing in notepad, and didn't switch it to Word to check for spelling errors. I'll correct that.

And it's not necessarily her first memory, but the clearest memory she has of her past. But yeah, as Bladespark pointed out, her being able to understand the generosity at that moment doesn't make much sense.

Thanks much, guys. I'll try taking the suggestions and making everything more clear.
 

Sinaqui

Mediocre Raccoon
For a male name, try going with Dominic instead of Dominique. The downward intonation and sharp cutoff of Dominic will make it more masculine (from my perspective), compared to the way Dominique sort of... Floats away. Though from a reading standpoint, you may want to be careful with Dominic, for some reason it has a weird effect on my eyes. Perhaps simply 'Dom' would work better for you? Short, implied masculinity, and simple.
 

Gavrill

ladies~
For a male name, try going with Dominic instead of Dominique. The downward intonation and sharp cutoff of Dominic will make it more masculine (from my perspective), compared to the way Dominique sort of... Floats away. Though from a reading standpoint, you may want to be careful with Dominic, for some reason it has a weird effect on my eyes. Perhaps simply 'Dom' would work better for you? Short, implied masculinity, and simple.

His full name is Dominique (I'm still thinking of a last name), I'm not going to change that (all of my characters have Norwegian names) but I might refer to him as "Dom" in the story. And even though he looks masculine, his personality can be quite feminine.
I'm just not sure how Dominique doesn't work. It looks kind of frilly when you read it I guess, but it sounds like Dominic, except "que" instead of "c". Plus I've never seen a girl named Dominique as I mentioned earlier, but I did know a few guys named that. I guess I don't see the ambiguity. And in the story, he worked for a very wealthy, well known family, and Dominique gives more of a regal air than Dominic (which sounds like a random New Yorker's name).
 
I've honestly never heard it as a female name either. Regardless, it's as moot a point as arguing the gender application of the name Ashley or Leslie in my opinion.
 

Sinaqui

Mediocre Raccoon
His full name is Dominique (I'm still thinking of a last name), I'm not going to change that (all of my characters have Norwegian names) but I might refer to him as "Dom" in the story. And even though he looks masculine, his personality can be quite feminine.
I'm just not sure how Dominique doesn't work. It looks kind of frilly when you read it I guess, but it sounds like Dominic, except "que" instead of "c". Plus I've never seen a girl named Dominique as I mentioned earlier, but I did know a few guys named that. I guess I don't see the ambiguity. And in the story, he worked for a very wealthy, well known family, and Dominique gives more of a regal air than Dominic (which sounds like a random New Yorker's name).

I can appreciate thematic naming, the only concern I wanted to bring up here is the difference between "Dom uh neek" and "Dom in ick" and the way they would echo within the reader's head. I can understand your concern about the loss of the 'que' flourish causing him to seem like a more... Hmm... Generic or bland character, I suppose? The last thing I would want to do is tell you how to write, so your steadfastness on his naming definitely isn't a bad thing.
 
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Gavrill

ladies~
Eh, names are a fickle thing x3

Skift sounds like a shoe scraping against concrete, but I don't worry about it too much. Imo, the character's name doesn't matter as long as the character itself is solid. *nods*
 
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