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Depressive/suicidal furries

Tchelline

Member
Bring your sadness to me. Share your story. I am too ashamed of my very existence that I am unable to post my own story. Just think of something immensely sad and there you will have my story. For those brave enough to share theirs, post here.
 

nightwolf1974

New Member
dealing with depression is like an addiction............ALWAYS there, sometimes controlled, but still there. people who don't suffer from these will never understand.
 

Volkodav

Dad****er
I've always wanted to die but the past two years or so I've wanted to die just a little less.
 

Tchelline

Member
Are you some kind of therapist?

No

Given his posting history, I'd wager a giant "NO" there.

Dats discrimination, check your privilege.

I was sad, friends helped me see i was looking only
at one option the, worst one.

Saw my error and am making a real effort to not do
the same mistake again.

Being alive is an error if you are unable to do anything to cooperate with the evolution of mankind. Such is my case and the case of the majority of the population. We don't even work properly as cannon fodder.
 
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SkyboundTerror

Thrashing About
Cough

I also once ran away from home when I found out my mom was going to take me to a psychologist. Stick that down your pipe and smoke it.
 

sniperfreak223

More Metal Than You !!!
Ummm...I'm a little too ashamed to discuss my personal experience with depression and mental illness
 

Tchelline

Member
Ummm...I'm a little too ashamed to discuss my personal experience with depression and mental illness
I do have a mental ilness too, chronic depression and anxiety. Diagnosed by doctors, not by myself at the internet lol.

With this disease you feel bad with or without a real reason, and in extreme cases like mine, it also manifests psychosomatic symptoms.

@skyboundterror, I wake up everyday with abdominal pain that "is all in my head".
 

Mr. Sparta

Scale Face
I guess to add, I'll just post my outburst circa January.

Me said:
There is a reason I try not to talk to people.

To me, all conversations are basically defusing bombs. I feel like I have no free will in social settings. Because in most incidences where I try to speak with my own words, I end up "triggering" them and I get outed by the entire group for being "offensive". Then I usually wish I could just kill myself then and there. And it not just irl either. Hell, there are times even on this forum that I wanted to blow my skull in half.

If you knew. God, if you knew the feeling. The abyss in your stomach, the lump in your throat, the tightness in your jaw. Reading negative responses to my freedom of speech only gives me three little words to have liberty to think:

I.
Hate.
Myself.

I hate myself. It's true. It's something I think daily now. But do you know the punch line to this joke, though? I have it all going for me. Eagle scout, honor student, plenty of money, popular kid in high school, confirmed lutheran. Hell, Buzz Aldrin sent me a letter to come to Boston for some elite science programs.

And you know what?

I'm starting to not care.

Because this world has become toxic. This world has become a place where I can get offended by everyone around me, but if I do the same to someone else, I become demonized and banished. All I can do is watch as my confidence in whats "right" diminish.

Little
By
Little

Eventually, no wait, less than that, I might lose it. I want to lock myself away in a room somewhere. Where I don't have to be with anyone, where there won't be anyone to offend by accident. A place where I can think freely, without you people turning my mouth against me.

I'm sad.

Crying now.

Fuck, why am I writing this?

Why am I breaking my personal silence?

And posting it to a confessions thread?

This isn't a statement, not even a rant.

It's just me, arguing with myself.

Hating myself.

Offending myself.

I'm not advocating for (omitted)'s rights nor your rights to be angry at him. It's just that I've been in times where I feel that everyone hates me because I say something out of the norm. Because I don't fit their expectations as a human being. Because I sometimes want to have a little fun.

I can talk about rape and rape humor casually.

There, I said it. Go ahead, destroy me. Call (omitted) or I disrespectful. It's not like I'm going to be listening.

Or be even here to hear it.

I pissed off some people, got harassed and junk. Later I responded with something like "I'm done, goodbye," stopped posting and changed my user title to DEAD for the weekend. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Around this time, I had also posted a chapter to my story that doubles as suicide poetry, reflecting some of the quote above.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15516045/

Then I got the PM's. Literally dozens of them, proving my worth as a human being. It was healing. But now this is making me cry again (literal tears as I'm typing this). I know it's nieve to get feels over the internet like this, but something's that I've bottled is coming back, residue from that night, and many nights like it.
 
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TrishaCat

The Cat in the FAF
Every single day multiple times a day I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes have a strong desire to act on them due to constant re-occurring feelings of stress mixed in with embarrassment brought on by thinking about past events in my life (often things that I've said online that I regret).

I've been like this for about a year now. I'm too strong/weak (depending on how you look at it. I think its a mix of both in my case) to actually commit suicide and the things that bother me I'm uncomfortable with sharing with people, and rightfully so in some cases, as some things if I were to reveal would serve to make my life more stressful and uncomfortable. But I live on, so that's fine. Its not as if my life is devoid of happiness and pleasure, and so long as that's the case and I never forget that things can always get better and could always get worse, I think I'm fine.

Sparta said:
Because this world has become toxic. This world has become a place where I can get offended by everyone around me, but if I do the same to someone else, I become demonized and banished. All I can do is watch as my confidence in whats "right" diminish.


Holy shit. This is sort of how I felt earlier today. I got really down in the dumps over some Tumblr post that made me upset and I tried to reasonably argue about it and then got attacked for it. I felt awful.
 
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Mr. Sparta

Scale Face
Battlechili1;5173766 [/I said:
[/COLOR][/COLOR]Holy shit. This is sort of how I felt earlier today. I got really down in the dumps over some Tumblr post that made me upset and I tried to reasonably argue about it and then got attacked for it. I felt awful.

Tumblr hosts probably some of the most toxic communities out there. They create their own little universe where they can justify blatant bullying and get away with it. To emphasize, I'm a white, heterosexual male who comes from an upper middle class republican family with nordic heritage. I'm not going to tumblr, they'd eat me alive.
 

-Sliqq-

Silo
Parents broke up in 6th grade > Attempted Suicide in 7th > Had therapist (& court) until end of 9th > Now I don't care
(I'm not going to write the whole thing)

In all honesty, I stopped caring about how bad my life was and began to focus on how good it is & will be.

If your life seems to be putting you down, you break out & make it your stepstool.
 

Distorted

Active Member
I began having problems with depression and anxiety midway through high school. Then one day I started hearing voices and it just kinda went downhill from there. I had a full blown psychotic break at college and messed up my scholarship and academic record in the process. I stayed that way for 2 years just out of it and afraid that people were out to get me and stuff. If it weren't for my counselors I probably wouldn't be here right now. They got me the help i needed and I began taking medication to help deal with the schizophrenia I was diagnosed with.

The last 4 year I've been trying to get my life back on track, but I had a lot of setbacks since then. I've been haunting the forums with my weird threads too, which I get embarrassed about a lot. I don't really care about much anymore, and the only reason I do things is because of the people in my life. They don't give up on me even if I have, so I just hold on hoping that maybe I'll get over this condition of mine and get back to having my own life. At this point of my life, I just want to be around and help people. But I suppose I have to help myself first.
 

Kellie Gator

Moral Minority
I was suicidal last weekend, actually. I'm not sure what changed but I had a turning point after an emergency appointment with my therapist and my experimentation in returning to the furry fandom since it was a big part of my life before I had to step back two years ago. Depression, anxiety and mild PTSD is a bitch.

It started ten years ago when I was in my first relationship with a girlfriend, she was extremely abusive and manipulating me, forcing me to do and act like she wanted me to, constantly calling me dumb and retarded, always accusing ME of being rude and constantly threatening to break up with me so I had to beg her to stay... until one day when I wasn't feeling like fighting for her anymore. She was toxic for me. Left me feeling scarred for years and I guess I'm still kinda scarred.

Out of foolishness I pursued other potential love interests, lurking the web because I wasn't very successful or special IRL. I had many crushes and was turned down every time, one or two of those crushes lasted for YEARS. My desire to be loved also made me agree to do some kinky stuff online I didn't really wanna do and I feel icky thinking about it now. A lot of them also did a fair share of damage on me, one dude told me a story that made me suicidal and much later it turned out said story was a lie. Real smooth there, mate.

My third relationship was with a guy who hadn't gotten over his ex so he was whining about it a lot and when I tried to comfort him he'd just lash out at me in pure, fucking insane rage, which is funny 'cause prior and after our relationship he had occasionally called me emo. Once he did it in a game of Halo 3. :/

Had some more feelings for people that never went anywhere and here I am now... 25, alone, hurt, I hate myself a lot, I feel like I'm disgusting and thinking about myself makes me wanna puke. A recurring theme with my love interests and relationships was how not a single person actually gave me time to meet IRL so I never even got to bloody touch anyone. I've had ONE kiss, and that wasn't even consensual 'cause it was forced on me as a cruel prank in elementary school.

So yeah, great self-esteem booster there. I'm all alone, watching other people being less lonely, and I see people my age or younger, in perfectly functioning relationships. Loving, committed, moving in with each other and shit, and feel like I've done something wrong and that I'm just a disgusting sack of shit that nobody will love and why I so often wanna kill myself is because I dunno for how much longer I wanna live the way I do now, alone. I dunno if I can take five or ten more years of this shit.

:/

And that's my story... the semi-abridged version, that is. I could write a book if I wanted to, augh. D:
 

Volkodav

Dad****er
I want to thank JTrekkie for taking the time out of his day to talk to me about an issue id been having
he could have went about his day and lived his life but he extended a hand to talk about it and i appreciate that immensely
 

Zuriak

Designated Bearforce
Depression and suicidal thoughts are normal for humans, anyone who tells you otherwise is full of hooey. Thankfully the bulk of us realize that it (suicide) is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, usually. Really, the only person who can help you is yourself -- keep busy and do what you can. Draw some wieners, it'll probably cheer you up. :]

That's my 2¢ anyways.
 

MissFleece

I AM THE MACHINE
I'm not comfortable with disclosing my history with depression/suicidal thoughts, but know that if you're struggling you can always message me and I will try to help the best I can. I can give you links to all the resources that help me when I'm feeling especially low.
 

Butters Shikkon

Patron Saint of Queers

Evan of Phrygia

WwwHhAaaAaTtTttTttTtT
I'll say a little bit and just get it off my chest now, while I'm feeling better.

I hate myself quite a bit. Some times worse than others, like right now I'm in a good mood so while I do still feel that I hate myself, it isn't in any way an intrusive thought, more of an accepted fact.

But when I do too much wrong, I start to criticize myself, but...I somewhat learned to do it by telling myself that I'm worthless and/or horrible. I know how to fix mistakes, but the act of doing it is too wrong for me. whenever I feel like I push people away, I then push them away more by spending a lot of time thinking about their lack of interest in me is proof that i should just kill myself. I haven't really liked anything I've done in a while, and honestly at times I feel as though everybody is lying to me. I find I don't really accept compliments anymore more than I do assume it's out of courtesy, or alternatively from a piteous perspective.

I spent a few different nights this past semester actually setting up ways to kill myself, but realizing that the knife wasn't sharp enough, certain pills can't guarantee a fatal overdose, but I still don't really know what is wrong or right with me. this didn't necessarily surprise me so much as it did seem to confirm my inadequacy in my own mind.

i haven't been to a therapist or taken antidepressants in three years and despite knowing i might have something wrong with me, i'm scared of both. at the same time, the thoughts going through my head make me believe that i have no reason to deserve any sort of help and anything of that nature is either pity or proof that i'm weak and helpless, to which i deserve punishment for being selfish or needy. this mindset will probably eventually lead me to stop having to speak to friends about these events at the risk of them getting angry/feeling like they're being used because i will, to some extent, actively refuse to solve issues (probably because i believe i deserve them)

i've been better about self punishment, but there were nights where i cut myself, hit myself with objects (once to the point where I started seeing flashing lights for a moment, another where i actually felt myself nearly black out), call myself a terrible person, or have anxious breakdowns

i'm happy right now i think. i still feel happy and sad and a spectrum of emotions, which is why i believe i'm just full of shit and nothing's wrong with me. but sometimes i just wonder and don't really know.
 
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