quoting_mungo
Well-Known Member
Preemptively: I'm feeling pretty uncertain about posting this thread at all - please play nice or I'll ask mods to close it down for my own and others' mental health.
As most people here will know, I'm polyamorous, in a triad with my husband and boyfriend. The three of us are satisfied with the workings of our relationship. And while I've not had any real reason to come out as bi or genderqueer (I've never had a girlfriend and whether I identify as female or non-binary doesn't require any change in their behavior towards me), and so can take a pretty blasé "I'm not going to deny it, but I don't see a reason to bring it up" attitude about it, whether family knows I'm poly does have relevance for how people around me can/will interact. Boyfriend moved over here from the States about 2½ years ago, while husband still lives overseas for the time being, and the only people who don't know about us being partners far as I know are my family - we've been plenty open to friends about it.
The possibility of boyfriend and I traveling for the winter holidays came up, and I would love to do so, as I adore his parents (whom we are out to) and have other people (including a partner of mine not part of our triad) I've not seen since before the pandemic that I'd like to spend time with. However, if I'm right that my family thinks that he's "just a friend," that would be a super weird thing to do, so realistically I have some eight months to figure out how to break the whole poly thing to them. And I have no idea how. My biggest fear I guess is that they'll be offended on husband's behalf/think I'm cheating on husband, or that they'll demand more explanation than I have the spoons to give. Jokingly I've suggested to boyfriend I should just tell parents he's husband's boyfriend and go from there, but that's... not really a realistic solution. Facebook sucks and doesn't have support for poly relationships so I can't just change my relationship status on there and wait for people to notice.
I'd have loved to be able to talk to a local QUILTBAG-focused therapist about this, as it very much does weave into my anxiety issues, but that's... not so much a thing here. There's a very idealist "well, all health professionals should be queer-friendly," which is nice in theory but isn't very helpful when you have issues specifically relating to sexuality, relationship structures, or kink (which in my limited experience tends to be a more accepted topic in queer circles). So... I'm hoping some of the users we have here who have experience with coming out to family can share their experiences and/or give me some tips/advice for how to go about it.
My only frame of reference for how my family might react to any sort of non-heteromononormative relationships is that my mom goes to Pride as an ally, and that my cousin's cousin is a very outspoken/activist-y lesbian whom that side of the family have a positive relationship with. One of her children might be non-binary; I haven't seen her in quite some time so I genuinely don't recall whether that's the case or if I'm mixing people up. So I don't really have a reason to believe that there will be conflict, but I also know that polyamory in some ways can be harder for people to accept than "this girl likes girls instead of boys" - it's a deviation from the norm that there isn't nearly so much societal pressure to come to terms with. To the best of my knowledge my family has no suspicion (aside from my kid brother whom we may have told at some point - I don't recall) boyfriend isn't just a friend-and-roommate; I did overhear my mother correcting her aunt on that point at my cousin's wedding reception but that was I believe in the first year boyfriend lived there so I don't know if their understanding of our relationship has changed since. Certainly nobody's brought it up to my face.
It slightly complicates things that my dad's our landlord, so if he decides he disapproves he could in theory evict boyfriend. It's unlikely to happen, and I know that, but it's still... a pretty worrying worst-case-scenario.
Sorry for rambling. >.<
TL;DR: I'm looking for advice on how to break to my immediate and extended family that the guy they know as my friend/roommate is actually mine and husband's boyfriend.
As most people here will know, I'm polyamorous, in a triad with my husband and boyfriend. The three of us are satisfied with the workings of our relationship. And while I've not had any real reason to come out as bi or genderqueer (I've never had a girlfriend and whether I identify as female or non-binary doesn't require any change in their behavior towards me), and so can take a pretty blasé "I'm not going to deny it, but I don't see a reason to bring it up" attitude about it, whether family knows I'm poly does have relevance for how people around me can/will interact. Boyfriend moved over here from the States about 2½ years ago, while husband still lives overseas for the time being, and the only people who don't know about us being partners far as I know are my family - we've been plenty open to friends about it.
The possibility of boyfriend and I traveling for the winter holidays came up, and I would love to do so, as I adore his parents (whom we are out to) and have other people (including a partner of mine not part of our triad) I've not seen since before the pandemic that I'd like to spend time with. However, if I'm right that my family thinks that he's "just a friend," that would be a super weird thing to do, so realistically I have some eight months to figure out how to break the whole poly thing to them. And I have no idea how. My biggest fear I guess is that they'll be offended on husband's behalf/think I'm cheating on husband, or that they'll demand more explanation than I have the spoons to give. Jokingly I've suggested to boyfriend I should just tell parents he's husband's boyfriend and go from there, but that's... not really a realistic solution. Facebook sucks and doesn't have support for poly relationships so I can't just change my relationship status on there and wait for people to notice.
I'd have loved to be able to talk to a local QUILTBAG-focused therapist about this, as it very much does weave into my anxiety issues, but that's... not so much a thing here. There's a very idealist "well, all health professionals should be queer-friendly," which is nice in theory but isn't very helpful when you have issues specifically relating to sexuality, relationship structures, or kink (which in my limited experience tends to be a more accepted topic in queer circles). So... I'm hoping some of the users we have here who have experience with coming out to family can share their experiences and/or give me some tips/advice for how to go about it.
My only frame of reference for how my family might react to any sort of non-heteromononormative relationships is that my mom goes to Pride as an ally, and that my cousin's cousin is a very outspoken/activist-y lesbian whom that side of the family have a positive relationship with. One of her children might be non-binary; I haven't seen her in quite some time so I genuinely don't recall whether that's the case or if I'm mixing people up. So I don't really have a reason to believe that there will be conflict, but I also know that polyamory in some ways can be harder for people to accept than "this girl likes girls instead of boys" - it's a deviation from the norm that there isn't nearly so much societal pressure to come to terms with. To the best of my knowledge my family has no suspicion (aside from my kid brother whom we may have told at some point - I don't recall) boyfriend isn't just a friend-and-roommate; I did overhear my mother correcting her aunt on that point at my cousin's wedding reception but that was I believe in the first year boyfriend lived there so I don't know if their understanding of our relationship has changed since. Certainly nobody's brought it up to my face.
It slightly complicates things that my dad's our landlord, so if he decides he disapproves he could in theory evict boyfriend. It's unlikely to happen, and I know that, but it's still... a pretty worrying worst-case-scenario.
Sorry for rambling. >.<
TL;DR: I'm looking for advice on how to break to my immediate and extended family that the guy they know as my friend/roommate is actually mine and husband's boyfriend.
