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first work ever over furry fandom (not work safe)

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Oniyaru

draggysharky
I decided I'm going to face the critiques and post my story on here for you guys to like/hate it

Title: Santa Monica Beach
About: Ryan the otter and James the husky finding love
Rating: adult, there is some language and sex in it
Synopsis: Ryan is on vacation from Puerto Rico and James is just a drifter who happened to end up on that beach. The story progresses from there :)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4928016

I actually enjoyed making this story and I hope you'll enjoy it too :)
 

Monster.

The future Mrs. Schmuck
Overall, this isn't a bad story. I think it would be better if you either a) chose a character's point of view to write from, or b) wrote from a past tense point of view rather than a present tense, where everything is going on right here and now. Also, when you write each character talking, it's better if you separate each quote with a new line rather than leave it all in one paragraph.
 

Madame

The Conmarten
First thing that strikes me about this is formatting. When there is a new speaker, you should start a new paragraph. As it is now, it's sometimes hard to tell who is speaking where, even when you have the lead up of 'such and such said X'. On general spelling, punctuation, and grammar: remember that commas are your friend. If you have a dialogue tag, you need a comma before you go into the quote. Example:

Ryan replied “well I like chicken fajitas so I guess I’ll give them a try.”

Should be:

Ryan replied, “Well, I like chicken fajitas, so I guess I’ll give them a try.”

I noted several other commas missing in there. And when a dialogue tag (e.g. 'he said' or 'he replied') leads off a sentence, the first word in the quotes should be capitalized.

Onto the story and characters!

I think the first couple of sentences are actually my favorite part. You're showing us the setting, and describing James in a way that gives me a great visual without being too Telling. (I'll use this a lot. I mean that you tell me something instead of showing me. Telling: 'Tom is scared of Lisa because she once hit him with a baseball bat.' Showing: 'Tom jumped as Lisa walked into the room, heart pounding out a coronary rhythm as the vixen approached. Ever since she'd taken her brother's bat to his head at the office party, the cat couldn't help tensing up whenever he saw her.' We are never told directly that Tom's scared, but it's implicit in his actions. Showing generally takes more time in writing, but it is, for this reader, far more rewarding to have the author acknowledge my intelligence by letting me put the clues together myself.) From the point where you tell the reader 'I won't bore you with the details', you dive head-first into Telling-mode, and I found it a much less enjoyable read after the tantalizing taste of Showing.

I'm not sure what specifically you're looking for a critique on here. If it's stylistic stuff as I've pointed out above, now would be the time to start ignoring me as I move into characterization and plot. I'm not sure of the nature of the plots of most mature furry stories as I tend not to read them, but here we have what I typically think of as smut. It's not so much a story as porn bracketed by description that tries to get the characters to the porn as fast as bipedally possible. There's a market for that. I just don't care for it. I prefer plot, which this story doesn't have much of. Perhaps if this had been a case of a one night stand, I could palate what plot there is, but you make a point of having the characters apparently fall madly in love with one another in the space of two minutes. Yes, yes. Love at first sight. Romeo and Juliet. Yadda yadda. But Romeo and Juliet still had a plot. Most such cases still have a plot. E.g. The young lovers kept apart by circumstance and having to overcome adversity to be together. Rushing straight to sex tells me they're in lust, which would jive for a first-timer like James (mixing up those two), but Ryan seems more experienced than that.

Something else that bothered me more than a bit was how stilted the dialogue came off. That's typical with smut as you're forcing the topic instead of letting a relationship take its natural course. People... don't talk that way. I realize this is fantasy, but I like dialogue that I can believe. Again, James being a first-timer and over eager, some of his soppy utterances can be put down to puppy love, but he's not the only one with dialogue issues. The very first line of dialogue in the piece is stilted:

”This is really starting to be boring, all I do is sit here and sell surf stuff to all the locals, and nobody ever stops to have a conversation or does anything except buy their items and leave.”

This is expository dialogue, the favorite of screenwriters for television and movies alike because that's a medium that requires it. We can't hear what the characters on the screen are thinking or learn what motivates them through narration, so such stilting is required. You don't need to do that in writing. In fact, it comes off as, well, poor writing. People don't talk like that. They don't say what's exactly on their minds. A better way to convey the same idea might be:

Ryan stared at the pineapple-shaped clock in his shop for the umpteenth time in the past fifteen minutes. He drummed his claws on the counter top and shifted his gaze forward again before loosing a heavy sigh to the world.

"What's a guy got to do to get some customers?" the otter grumbled. Maybe if the few locals and tourists that did wander over to his patch of beach actually took the time to chat with him, it wouldn't be so bad, but they had better things to do than talk to their friendly, neighborhood surf shop associate... apparently.

Not only does the above Show that Ryan's bored and annoyed at the lack of friendly banter rather than him Telling us, it eliminates the need for the expository narration you have above about Ryan running the surf shop.

Now, I can't comment too much on the mechanics of gay sex, not having been party to it, but one thing did strike me as odd about the scene. Wouldn't they need lubrication? Especially with James being a first-timer, anal sex is gonna hurt without some preparation. Heck, for gals, I understand penetration hurts initially when its in the orifice designed specifically for such purposes, and that's when ladies come with their own, natural lubrication. That's something you might want to check into, because from my understanding, James should be screaming and bleeding if Ryan's trying to penetrate him without any lube or prep.

All that said: Good job on writing your first furry story and braving the fangs and claws of critique. There's definitely room for improvement, but I can see the glimmer of a humorous, witty narrator lurking about your person from the opening paragraph. Hope your next endeavor will see some more of that narrator.
 
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M. LeRenard

Is not French
This one's defunct, I guess, so I'll lock it. If you still want it open for some reason, let me know, but I notice the link doesn't work anymore, so....
 
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