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Heavy Metal Jesus


smell-good badger
The first cavemen came back to their caves after a long day of hunting and gathering. While chilling in their old recliners, they couldn't help but to light a jay and pop Blizzard into the CD player. While listening to Ozzy's tenacious vocalization, they couldn't help but think of their existence. Why were they here on Earth? Where did they come from? Was there a higher power? Little did they know, they were merely in a world of mortals, right next to an apartment of non-mortals.

In fact, there was a higher power. This higher power lived amongst the heavens. This higher power created the universe, gave it light, gave it life, and gave it metal. This higher power, was God.

God was a simple, humble fellow. He worked a 9 to 5 job like most people, had a steady income with a nice house, beautiful wife, and his son Jesus Crowley Christ. Life was going well, and metal thrived throughout the world of the mortals.

Time moved to the Middle Ages. Kings and queens ruled the lands, witches were burned, and torturers listened to Iron Maiden before interrogating prisoners with iron maidens. In these times, there lived a great wizard named Sir Poppinkins. An evil wizard was he, and he too, was elderly. He did not like the racket spewing from the stereos and iPod docks of the peasants, and wanted to create a new music to counter the music of God. With a long drag of his hash pipe, Sir Poppinkins summoned Seven Demons from the depths of hell to create music to destroy the world. These demons were:

Madonness, demoness of the netherworld
Timberlocke, warlock of shadows
Lady Gara, queen of suffering
Spearsoh, warrior of blades and razors
McCartnar, general of the demon army
Jonas, evil magician with 3 forms
and Bieberzebub, the lord of the demons

Foolish with these actions, Poppinkins was quickly killed by the demons, and they quickly became masked under the identities of normal (well, mostly normal) human mortals.

The year is now 2012, and the demons are going to reunite at the VMA's for their ritual to destroy mankind. Their plan is not well prepared, for God too, has a trick up his sleeve. Giving his only begotten son to die for our music, God sent Jesus to shred the demons back to hell, melt the faces of the non-believers, and save the world. Armed with a satchel of Ernie Ball guitar picks, and a Jackson Rhoads Concord, he will save the world one lick at a time.

do you think this would make a pretty decent play?


Destroyer of Nazi Teddy Bears
I would go see that play...maybe.

See, the whole "metal" genre always comes off as a clusterfuck when I talk about music with other people. Harsh words are always exchanged to.

So, what kind of metal does Jesus play while he destroys these evil demons (though Lady Gaga has some talent, even if I don't like her music). I mean, is he growling and screaming and making an unholy sounding wracket while noise emits from the background that elitist metalfags call "good music" or is he like...well fuck, how about Ozzy or Metalica :3 I like them.

Since this play seems highly dependent upon its musical score (kinda like a musical!), the above question would need to be answered.


100% organic vegan hubbas
Yes YES 1000 TIMES YES. I hate the VMA's too. Roast them good!

Endless Humiliation

McCartnar, general of the demon army

This guy's supposed to be Jesse McCartney right? Not Paul McCartney?

I mean both are pretty terrible (I assume Jesse is)

If I had a choice I'd side with the demons because I saw one episode of That Metal Show on VH1 Classic and I think the definition of hell is wading through two hours of White Lion and Hagar-era Halen just for a Megadeth video

I guess Brutal Legend did okay
Old metalheads seem to place similar amounts of weight on nostalgia (why else would Iron Maiden still be recording?) as 40something college rock radio DJ dorks so you'd make a fair amount of money


Guess what mood I'm in today.
Zombie Jesus.


In FAF CAThulu lies dreaming..


Post-rock Crusader
This is awesome. Hell yeah metal!

But seriously, needs to be good metal, because there's a LOT of terrible metal bands out there.


Wishes He could Fly
I think it would make for a pretty self-indulgent musical. It has to be a musical considering the subject matter. Besides musicals are generally more forgiving of this kind of tom-foolery.

And no, I would not see it.


Groovy Kitsune
This play needsto happen. Like right now.