here is my first story!

[Prostapheresys]

It took me a while but I finally did it! Here it is: www.furaffinity.net: Ignis fatui: a fateful encounter by prostap
I intend to later write a "sequel" to the story, even though I think the two will be independent enough to be read individually without losing track of the character or the plot.
So... what do you think about it?Let me know!

(This is a follow-up to my previous thread Is this an interesting setting for stories?)

 

[Faux_Real]

Well, I definitely think that this is a step in the right direction for you and your work, and there is quality in the writing here.

However, the ending of this bit was rather abrupt, and i think you are kinda hitting the reader over the head with foreshadowing. In my opinion, I would think of a less obvious way to lead into the Avalon corporation than to just end the bit here with the character looking at the poster. This may incur more content between leaving the park and going home, but it would be kinda nice to give that foreshadowing more meaning so it is more of a story element than a deus ex machina.

Other than that, you have some errors in syntax. I can see double arrows being great for showing inner dialogue, but why are spoken words seperated by hyphens?

Anyway, I like your style and your attention to detail and you are pulling me in with this because I am curious about what is going on in the story, but watch out for throwing plot devices into the narrative on a whim.

 

[Prostapheresys]

Thanks, at last I got an answer...
I confess that what I actually find most annoying about my first story above all is not being able to make the final lines appear as a link to another earlier submission of mine which is basically the content of that poster (on other sites instead it worked just fine). But as you said I now understand how this still feels like a bad deus ex machina. Good news is that in the meantime I've almost completed my second story, which is set right after the events of the first one, and your suggestions will be considered.
So thank you again, I hope you'll find it interesting too.

 

[Ash Sukea]

Few minor syntax and verb tense errors.

It was quite interesting how you had him abruptly cutting off the narrator taking the story down paths he didn't want to dwell on.

The sign for the corporation and the ignis have me wondering if they really are a natural phenomenon or some artificial creation with a really good spin-doctored cover up. Otherwise why mention something as innocuous as a sign?

First critique so I hope I didn't give bad advice.

 

[Prostapheresys]

Few minor syntax and verb tense errors.

It was quite interesting how you had him abruptly cutting off the narrator taking the story down paths he didn't want to dwell on.

The sign for the corporation and the ignis have me wondering if they really are a natural phenomenon or some artificial creation with a really good spin-doctored cover up. Otherwise why mention something as innocuous as a sign?

First critique so I hope I didn't give bad advice.

Don't worry, any advice is good and even though right now my writing is on hiatus I'll consider them. English is not my mother tongue so writing is also my stimulus to master the language, trying to improve everytime.
So thank you for your time and critique!

 

[nitroglycerinewaffles]

Lots of imagery, and adjectives. I was confused by the plot. More confused by the magic. Suddenly there was magic, and it had properties that I was apparently just assumed to be familiar with, and there was no introduction to it. Also, as far as stories go, it didn't have much of a resolution or explanation of the conflict. Suddenly he was just in this conflict for no reason and then it was over and it was all in a vacuum. It had a good character introduction, but that was about it.

 

[Prostapheresys]

Lots of imagery, and adjectives. I was confused by the plot. More confused by the magic. Suddenly there was magic, and it had properties that I was apparently just assumed to be familiar with, and there was no introduction to it. Also, as far as stories go, it didn't have much of a resolution or explanation of the conflict. Suddenly he was just in this conflict for no reason and then it was over and it was all in a vacuum. It had a good character introduction, but that was about it.

Well, thanks for your devoting part of your time to read and critique it! Looking back at it now I too realize it was mediocre, but at least it got me into trying harder when I write! I just hope to submit better content in the future, even though it has been a long while since I posted anything.... :|
That's also why I moved it in my Scraps section; I also like to store it so that in the future I may go look back at my older writings and laugh at my older self XD