• Fur Affinity Forums are governed by Fur Affinity's Rules and Policies. Links and additional information can be accessed in the Site Information Forum.

How do you deal with loneliness and how do you handle social anxiety?

TrishaCat

The Cat in the FAF
Forgive this wall of text; if its too much to read, just skip to the end and I'll give a TL;DR. I'm also sorry for how negative and blog-posty this is. I kind of just threw my thoughts down and decided to post it after arguing with myself over whether I should. Please bear with me.

I feel like I can't relate to most people on a close level. Its not that I don't have people that I can talk to and enjoy speaking with. I have quite a few of those, especially online. There are many people who share at least a few common interests and many people who I enjoy spending time talking to.

But the thing is, is that there's no one I feel close enough to that I can talk to about anything. In a way you can say that I crave intamcy in its own right; I said jokingly in that incel thread that I've never had a significant other. Its something I'd like someday, although I often fear that its something that'll never be due to my own ineptitude. I've had this strong sense of loneliness for a long time, and for some reason these past couple days its begun eating away at me again. But its not just a significant other I desire per-se; I've also often found myself just wanting a close friend. You know, that kind of friend who you can always talk to? Maybe play a game or too with?

The thing is though, is that I kind of hurt myself with the way I am. At the risk of sounding extremely cringy, its probably obvious and known to many already, but I'm obsessed with Japanese video games (especially JRPGs) and anime. Too much so really, but it is, at least for the time being, a part of who I am and what makes me me. I spend each day several times a day checking Japanese gaming news sites, visiting anime forums, and discussing such topics with people. But the thing is, is that I do all of this online. Speaking with someone on the internet doesn't carry with it that sense of personallness that speaking with someone in real life does. But finding other people in real life to talk with on the same level about these things is extremely hard, and its even harder to find someone one might like that'd fit such a description. Its too niche in a way. To use specific examples, I'm not looking for people to talk about Final Fantasy and Evangelion with; I'm looking for people to talk to about Blue Reflection and The Eccentric Family with (just random examples; I'm not literally saying I want to talk about these specific things right now, its moreso to get the idea across of what I mean by too niche). And that's where the problem lies; I fear I've dug down too far and care TOO much about things that are TOO niche.

But it goes beyond that.

Also I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place politically. I don't consider myself to be too invested in politics, however I've come to find that the people I most enjoy talking to are the saccherinely sweet types of people. The people who are extremely, EXTREMELY kind. Its just, I've noticed that a lot of people who fit this description are very, VERY far left to the point of being in that communist territory, and at that point I feel uncomfortable around such people. I always feel like if I say the wrong thing they'll go from that sweet demeanor to thinking I'm a monster or something. But the leftist groups that don't fit that bill I've found are oftentimes channer types or have some degree of edge to them rather than that sweetness. Which I don't mind, but that's not ideal imo. But I don't like "right" politics either, and once you get too far right that gets into its own channer /pol/-ish style territory, and the further it goes it becomes really disturbing too (far more disturbing imo). So I feel like in the end where my politics lies often has me in this weird position where I feel like most people don't fit into my political opinons. Which is fine, but it also makes me feel alone in that respect too. Depending upon the political topic, someone might feel very strongly about something, and I'm always afraid I'll step on *someone's* toes, so I often feel like I should just keep to myself. But bottling up my thoughts isn't fun, and it makes me feel alone politically even.

And that's my problem; I feel alone. Always, unendingly alone.

I started taking anti-depressants not too long ago after being diagnosed with mild depression (the loneliness was at least in part one of the issues that I think lead to this discovery, but there were other things at play), and that at first seemed to alleviate it, but while I'm able to handle myself better, it hasn't stopped me from at least remembering how much I crave human interaction. To have someone I can talk to one on one with and relate to on a close level. And I feel lost in this regard.

The thing is is that the only friends I have in real life are people I knew in high school; I've not really made any new friends since entering college, and I just got through my fourth year of college. Those highschool friends are also almost all doing their own things now, and none of them were THAT relatable interest wise, and certainly not people I felt like I could talk to about anything. I had a roommate, the same roommate for two of those four years in fact, and in that time whole days would pass where my roommate and I wouldn't say a word to each other. If we did, it was at most a sentence, so we never got to know each other despite living with each other for two years. And this wasn't because we didn't get along; its because neither of us are social. We just *didn't* talk to each other. I don't know how to start conversations. I spend 90% of my time at my computer in my dorm room when I'm not in class, and when I'm in class I just be quiet and listen to the teacher. I've been suggested to try clubs, but the video game club I went to plays mostly competitive multiplayer games, and I'm usually more into singleplayer and occasionally coop. There's an anime club, but its run by two cringy furries that wear tails to each club meeting and half the room talks through whatever we're watching, making it hard to enjoy. And I don't know what else to try. I feel like I can't just walk up to random people and say hi either; that would be awkward in my mind. I'm afraid of talking to people, as I'm scared I'll make people uncomfortable. This even extends to a few more personal online things like online dating, where I realized I'm too terrified to message people. So I keep to myself ALL the time.

And so I'm in this weird dilemma where I feel constantly alone and I know its my fault, but I don't really know what to do about it. I feel like I can't relate to most people on a close level, and I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to on a close level. And I don't know what to do about it. I am quite literally that stereotypical weeb shut-in with no friends on his way to becoming a wizard.

So what is someone such as myself supposed to do? How do I improve and come out of this situation?

And, is there anyone else here out there that suffers from some degree of loneliness? Or maybe has social anxiety? Tell me about it. And how do you cope?

TLDR:
I am socially inept and constantly feel lonely, and I was wondering how you guys cope with loneliness as well as how you bring yourself to be social.
 
Last edited:

Dongding

The sheep
I'd say focus on school and maybe continue trying online dating in the meantime. Find someone desperate like you.

Your interests are unhealthy and a lot of people share them, lacking the drive to open themselves to a world that owes nothing to them. I think given the nature of people when they are unafraid of the consequence of their actions such as in traffic, or in private places like restrooms where you'll find piss all over the seats, or anonymous situations such as the internet where comment sections are filled with nothing but ignorant hate, you could do a lot worse than being antisocial. Not making the world %1 worse might be a more than reasonable contribution to society than quite a lot of people who if not held responsible for their actions show every day that that's what they would choose to do.

That simply leaves selfish personal fulfillment, which is your right as a human being who simply is alive (which was never your choice) and in return, owes the world nothing. It's an equal trade.

Find one person and maybe you'll connect; maybe you won't. At worst you'll gain the confidence necessary to feel more comfortable in the next relationship you allow to happen.

Don't be ashamed of being socially inept. If you simply can't function on a basic level and are incapable of a serious relationship, then that's a real problem I wouldn't be able to begin to help you with. But I guarantee there's someone out there feeling the same way you do waiting for someone they can give themselves to entirely.

Edit: For myself? I hold up my end knowing I'm valuable, considerate, and able to stand on my own if it ever came to it. Self worth is important and you're on the right track, taking classes and improving where you have power to do so.

Double edit: Misread a touch. Final iteration of my post! I promise lol.
 
Last edited:

Izar

MadeFurYou sheppy boi.
I start with a realization. I realize that everyone else is human too! Everyone feels anxious when meeting someone new, people get scared... most people put up a front when you first meet them. It’s a defensive barrier. They need to figure out if your a threat or not. It’s totally physiological, it happens with the fight or flight response. Just drop the front! Don’t try to be social. Just be you. Show some vulnerability, it’s relatable and people usually let their guard down when they see your a person too :) social anxiety is not uncommon, everyone gets it. You’ll be okay :)
 

TrishaCat

The Cat in the FAF
desperate
charmander.png
 

TrishaCat

The Cat in the FAF
Didn't think you wanted a sugar-coated answer. ;3
You would be right that I didn't, haha.
In all seriousness I appreciate your post, although it just sounds like it amounts to "don't give up and keep looking", which...makes it difficult to be enthusiastic admittedly. Like with online dating, I'm terrified of just messaging people on such things, and it seems like that would be the best method to have the highest chance of a positive outcome since people don't seem to be jumping to talk to me. Building up that confidence to just try is difficult.
Like I said though, I wasn't just referring to finding a special someone. Even a close friend would be something. I just don't know what happened over the years that led to me being this way.

Though it sounds like you're also saying that building confidence is important. That...where do I start with that?
 

Whimsycal

The whimsical clown
I honestly just smile to myself. If I don't smile to myself, I cant smile to others, and so I couldn't chat the simple way I often do. Being whimsical is knowing that you can just chat with anyone, just enjoy being who you are, and smile to yourself. You are your own best company.
 

Dreamline

Let The Good Times Roll
I don't have the words at the moment to help with some the issues you've been having specifically.

Dongding had some really good pointers though. Most people who believe they are socially inept, aren't. The fact you're here and holding normal conversations with other forum-goers and that there -are- people who want to help is the first sign.

One thing I can try to suggest is to try break a bit more and more the ice. Start conversations, participate more, and, even if it is terrifying, try and message someone you want to talk more to.

I say that because I've dealt with those issues of being alone. I live with major depression, and sometimes I feel like no one would ever want to be my friend. I always had a mindset of waiting for the right thing to happen, and -then- things will get better.

But... that won't happen. At least, not if I never do anything. One big thing I had to realize over the years was that isolating myself was an awful thing to do. No one will reach out to me on their own, because I don't exist to them.

I learned that, if I want people to talk to me and be friends with me, I have to start somewhere. I have to break the ice, I have to continue conversations, even if, deep down, I feel like a burden to them for simply existing.

As for the issues of the stuff you like, that's a bit harder to say. It may be good to understand -why- you like the niche stuff, and use that to find people who may find interest in it too. I know in my experience, I've never found someone who's 100% into the stuff I'm into. I -have- found people who were open-minded and were ok with me geeking out, even if it wasn't something they were into.



I'm hoping something in here will help. My fingers hurt from using my phone so I need to stop for a bit. <_<
 

Dreva

Lurker's gonna lurk
I sort of had that problem with being an outcast for my niche interest that I love to pursue but then I learnt (and still am learning) to make a change on my part a bit. I started listening more than I talk and I tended to learn throwing questions regarding other's interest instead of stating my interest. I forced myself to listen to other people and learn about their interests.

That way, somehow I slowly learn to relate to people, to understand their interests. It was a slow process but I learn to adjust and somehow find something that interests more 'acceptable' outside my uber-niche interests.

Of course, I never abandon to pursue my peculiar interests but I've learnt to mostly keep it to myself when I'm aware that my talking partner are not interested in the slightest.

It was a slow and arduous process taking years for me to adapt but I managed to cope somehow until now. But then, I won't say that it will work with other, you just have to figure it out yourself.
 

Nyashia

Active Member
I can relate to many things that you've written! Despite that I'm in a relationship and have a handful of (not very close) friends, I can't talk to any of them about my interest in roleplaying and creating my own world. That's something very personal and intimate. It's a very big part of who I am. When I realize that my boyfriend is unable to take this topic seriously and shows little interest in it, I suddenly start to feel very lonely. But I couldn't imagine giving up this interest just for the sake of others and I strongly recommend you do the same. You don't really need others to watch and enjoy anime or play singleplayer games. Of course, it would be nice if you could talk to someone about it, but it's not necessary in the first place. Because our interests are so niche, we have to accept, that it may take a very long time until we find someone we can share it with. In the meantime we have to be pleased with what's there and what we already have. It's better than being completely alone!
What makes me feel a little bit better sometimes is talking to my psychologist, talking to an imaginary friend or writing in my diary.

If you're not really into politics, stay away from people who always talk about it. If you're looking for a friend you can talk to about anything, you won't find them there. If you say something among them that they do not agree with, you're doomed to be either a nazi or a brainwashed libtard.

When meeting new people, you have to be brave. Izar made a good point on that, it's either run or fight. I'm also diagnosed with SA and it causes a lot of problems in my everyday life. But when I finally managed to come over a difficult situation, I feel happy. Even if my first thoughts are that I've totally made a fool of myself, in the end I'm pleased that I didn't hide but fight.
 

Dongding

The sheep
although it just sounds like it amounts to "don't give up and keep looking", which...makes it difficult to be enthusiastic admittedly.

Though it sounds like you're also saying that building confidence is important. That...where do I start with that?

Well giving up won't get you anywhere. At the end of my post I mentioned that I'm okay because I know I'm valuable, considerate, and able to stand on my own.

You have value due to your schooling and qualifications you'r working on. You can use this as a main focus to place yourself in a better position to obtain other things you want, like relationships or monetary things that provide comfort or distraction.

It sounds like you have a more than adequate understanding of the worth of consideration as a personal merit, having gone through what's obviously a fairly long struggle and knowing the world doesn't revolve around you as it's clearly doing you no favors. I'm sure that's moulded you into a considerate person who doesn't undermine other people's efforts and ambitions and can place yourselves in their shoes. I bet you'd give the shirt off your back to someone you thought it would make a difference to.

As far as being able to stand on your own? I've never had much of a sex drive outside extremely strange interests online. (AKA various furry fetish porn.) It's been a blessing and a curse, as it's purely conceptual/intangible and doesn't impact my life whatsoever. It also doesn't get you closer to meeting a person that you can share your life with. (I don't believe in online long distance relationships but they work for some people. Maybe that's another avenue you could persue since you have an aversion to jump into a random relationship as with online dating.) Another thing to point out is that making genuine friends you share a close enough bond with that you each seek eachother's attention and validation is probably more difficult than finding a (albiet most likely fling-ish) partner. Partners are willing to make sacrifices whereas friends will probably get sick of your shit if you don't meld just so. I have few close friends and don't have social anxiety to the point where I can't go meet people or have beers with friends from work. Standing on my own is easier for me than it will be for you.

But hey. You have 2/3 and that isn't bad. Honestly not being in a relationship or having close friends that you physically hang out with isn't too big of a deal. With the other 2 out of the 3 things I mentioned, you buy time to get this last piece of the puzzle.
 
Last edited:

Yakamaru

Very Speshul Title
Not everyone can handle being on their own socially, and I fully understand the need to interact with others and the potential feeling of loneliness that comes with it. Your situation is a more unique one, one that is going to take time to untangle. Things like this can take a long time to solve, but I can guarantee you it's worth it in the long run, especially for your well-being and happiness. I am glad you brought this to us, not to mention properly admitting to having issues you need help with. It takes a lot of courage to admitting having issues, and I have respect for those who do. Here's my advice on how to cope, and hopefully properly deal with these issues of yours. Hell, maybe even reduce them to the point where they are like a deranged old man yelling at you from a 100 yards away. I would like to again stress that these things take time, and depending on how fast(or slow, for that matter) you develop, can take a lot of time.

Lets start with the social aspects. I would guess you listen/read a decent amount, so you can use this strength of yours to find potentially good topics of what someone might like to talk about. Be proactive on this front, ask questions and find topics that might interest the one(s) you're talking with. The more they talk, the more information you have to go on, and in turn can find more potential topics. Don't just go "Oh, ok. That's interesting" as it could indicate a lack of actual interest due to it being too short to have much meaning attached to it. If it's a topic you are interested in but don't know how to ask or even try and steer the flow of conversation in that direction, don't force it. Learning how to read the flow of a conversation is important, and is something you learn over time as you talk and interact with others. Sadly it comes with trial and error, but it's the best way to learn how to be social.

Your interests are a tad niche, I won't deny that. I much prefer a good singleplayer game with a good story and decent+ replayability over a multiplayer game any day(JRPG's tend to be very good in terms of singleplayer). Don't compare yourself to others on this front, as it will only hurt your head thinking about it. You do you, and find people who are similar in terms of interests. Not everyone enjoy multiplayer games, and there's no point trying to force yourself to like something that you know you won't find much love for. I haven't even heard of Blue Reflection, so I decided to look it up real quick. I have to say, I can understand the interest in it. I will definitely have to check it out properly at some point when I have more time. And fuck me! I completely forgot The Eccentric Family was on my to-watch list(I added that shit back when it was first aired, but never got around to watch it as I had a lot more shit to watch). I feel ashamed for not having seen it yet as it looked pretty damn interesting from the trailer. I have about 500 Anime series under my belt so I may be but a young fledgling to some. Anyways..

In terms of politics, I would say if you feel like they will attack you/denounce/go against you if you say something they don't like, stop interacting with them on those topics. Find people with whom you can talk with without having to worry about it. IMO no one should be attacked for holding views someone else don't like, or have such fears/thoughts. It is not healthy for the mind for people to fear to express themselves, no matter what it is. There is a time and place for everything however, and not every place you're currently in may allow you to properly express yourself. Hence why you may have to look elsewhere, and to find a different place where they allow such an outlet/ability to express yourself and your thoughts/views. Try broadening your friend circle, and their ideological differences. Can start with a Centrist here and there and slowly work your way towards those on the Right, those whom you may already get a little along with. Reach out a hand. Who knows, they may reach back. Friendships can and will cross ideological boundaries, and with today's connectivity through the internet, it's happening at an insane rate every day. When you have more in common than you have differences, a person can and will grow on you, although the differences are usually fun to explore.

On IRL I am not entirely sure on what to suggest as I know too little about you and your situation in general on that front, as face to face is different than over the net, and the dynamics are rather different. You can however apply and use experiences, knowledge and understanding between them. Start with net-based interaction. As conversation topics and interaction becomes easier, slowly start applying it IRL. Listen to people. Find topics to talk about. Learn about them in order to learn what to talk about. They will over time most likely come to enjoy your company, and may initiate topics themselves. And as time goes by, socializing becomes easier.

Use the tools and resources already available to you: Forums and the internet in general and go from there. Perhaps even join a Discord server or two if you want. Real-time interaction is a lot better than time-based interaction such as over a forum. The internet is probably the best tool you have at your disposal, and you can find people close enough to you that you could potentially turn into an IRL friend to talk with.

And now, how I deal with this... Uh, how to put this properly..

I just finished work practices in a support department in a retail electronics store after a whole year of working there. I have Asperger's, social anxiety, ergophobia and a general dislike for people in general. On top of that, being around other people drain my energy pretty quickly. I admit to having had two complete meltdowns as a result of working there, but by being there I was allowed to properly develop and deal with my issues. I jumped straight into it all and beat my social anxiety and ergophobia with a baseball bat, metaphorically speaking. Daily social interaction, learn how to properly address, talk to and handle customers, all with their own individual expectations. Learning how to socialize through actually doing it on a daily basis. This is by no means something that works for everyone let alone the majority, but it worked for me.

I have been alone pretty much the large majority of my life, however I don't really feel much if any loneliness. Loneliness don't bother me.

As for being social, it kinda just happens. Sometimes it's just pointless interaction like using bot commands over Discord or just silly forum games. But for the mind it's healthy to have fun and not have any worries, especially in company you are comfortable with and can spread your wings a little. Other times it's a topic someone is talking about or someone hits me up with a DM and we just take it from there.

Sorry for the long read, but I thought I'd give some suggestions on how to deal with your issues, Battlechili. My take on this is sincere, though if you find something unclear and/or want me to address something specific, feel free to poke me.
 
D

Deleted member 111470

Guest
I just chill. Maybe watch some vids and livestreams, play some games, shitpost here and there, workout a bit, etc.
 
S

Scales42

Guest
Most of the time I enjoy being alone, I dont mind going to the cinema without friends or something similiar, however every once in a while Iam feeling similiar to you. When this happens I become even more active on the forum and seek conversations with family members.

I recommend finding a hobby that requires you to socialize a little bit in real life. Maybe sports. Going to concerts can be a very interesting experience too, depending on what music you like :)
 

DeeTheDragon

a bird-dragon paradox
Wow. I feel like I had a similar, if not the same sentiment as I was going through my senior year in college last year. Main difference being that I had made 1-2 good friends over my college years (and they didn't even go to the college).

I'm still working through some of these problems, but maybe I can offer advice on what I've accomplished so-far.

1. First and foremost, love yourself.
If you're not comfortable with who you are, then there is no way you can be comfortable being yourself around other people.

2. Don't be afraid of putting yourself in social situations where you may feel unwelcome.
If you want to make some good friends, it is inevitable that you may make a couple of enemies along the way. If someone doesn't want you to be the best "you" you can be, then they don't have to be a part of your life.

3. Take it easy; take it slow.
Friendships don't happen overnight; much less friendships of the degree you're talking about. It can take years before you build up a friendship where you'd be comfortable talking about anything. So start with small stuff; jump in on conversations, ask people about themselves, etc.

4. I forgot what I was going to put here...
Basically just take the initiative with making friends. Probably 80-90% of the people I've met are comfortable with sticking with their own "friend bubbles" and don't go the extra step to bring in new people. If someone doesn't want you to be their friend, you can usually find out pretty quickly and get the awkward stuff out of the way before you've committed yourself to a relationship.

5. People don't care about you (at first at least).
Everybody has their own problems, and most people will only truly care about themselves. If someone doesn't care about you (especially if you've just met them), that's normal; try to not take it personally. In general, the more someone gets to know you as a person, the more they'll care about you (for better or worse).

I do most of these by stopping by open chat / forum introductions to see what's going on and how people are doing. Feel free to strike up a conversation if you see me there.


Unrelated: That Charmander image made my day! I played through the PMD series as Charmander and loved every bit of it.
 
As we grow and shift, we end up with close friends. Then we lose them, then we gain others, as long as we are open to the experience.

Right now I am fairly lonely. I have a small child and am working from home. I haven't got enough money to get coffee at a cafe or go do anything that isn't free and local, and while the other parents at school drop off are perfectly nice, we don't have anything in common. I used to be a goth/punk, pretty much, and that's not a common experience in the rural area I now live in. I spend most of my days alone until it is time for school pickup. I spend a lot of my time guilty that I am not contributing more, so I spend a tonne of time hustling for money in one way or another. Trying to sell just about everything from art online to glass beads irl to growing plants to sell out the front gate. Just about cried today when my kid spilled the milk (literally!) and I saw that $4 vanish...augh.

I have gotten involved in a local crafters group, but I'm very cautious - a few friended me online, but they're amazingly right wing of the 'hate native peoples and migrants' type, and even seeing their posts just makes me sad. Lots of pretty racist screeds, and they're older folks who really, really hate The Gays (tm). Can't really deal with seeing so much hate.

But I know this will probably change at some point. I may make another friend. I may find a way to get a chance to travel to visit my old friends more often. I can afford to be patient about it, because everything changes.

As for social anxiety, I have the class-clown type. The one who cracks jokes really fast? Yep, class clowns are usually massively anxious people underneath as well as being obnoxious on the outside. I worry about what happens when people realise that I have a soft squishy underbelly under the rapid fire silliness, but in a lot of ways, that passes too. I can't afford too much to let it show in front of my child, as I don't want her to develop similar issues. So I have to have a front. I have a generalised severe anxiety disorder that can become something a bit like psychosis if it gets bad, and a few other issues that are equally boring to outsiders, but I also have Lexapro, counselling, and at the end of the day, my happiness is not important. I have a child I need to care for who must always come first, and I must have the self-control to manage that. There is no other option.

About the online addictions, something that I have found helps is that if you come across anything kind of interesting sounding OUTSIDE your area of interest, go check it out. At the very worst you have a non-weeb conversational topic. I started looking at hot glasswork, and have ended up doing it pretty much full time as an artist just because I got interested enough to do it. Okay, I'm pretty much living in poverty, but dang is it interesting melting glass. Plus it means I can do a non 9-5 job and pick up the kidlet from school and feed her, etc.

Other fun things to look at are Forged In Fire (making swords! Has helped a LOT with helping me draw weaponry), lots of gardening videos (I know, probably everyone else is bored of that - but I kinda dig being able to grow food indoors or wherever and am working on better backgrounds), unusual animal training videos or rehabilitation (check out barefoot horses, cool concept, or wildlife release). All kinds of stuff. The more broad your interests, the more interesting you are to others.

You like Japanese anime and games? Learn Japanese. Look at how Japanese art has changed through the centuries. Examine the history of clothing styles. Find out about current politics - all of those things will give you a deeper understanding of the media you consume, but they are more accessible as fun things to chat about with other people. Visit galleries having displays related to the regions the characters come from. Or, if the niche gets you more than anything else, do online courses in how to write detailed analysis and essays - how to communicate your love to other people in ways that can show them interesting things too. You may honestly need a media diet for some time to force you to do other things instead of drown in that cheap but oh so delicious endorphin rush.

And you're young. This too will pass. You will gain friends, you will lose friends. Sometimes you will be alone. Sometimes you will be in a crowd. Gradually, it is what is inside you as your core self that will enable you to expand and survive. Happiness in the end has turned out not to be the end goal. Complexity, curiosity, depth, and breadth has proven to be what keeps me going as I age into irrelevancy, heh.
 

Troj

Your Friendly Neighborhood Dino Therapist
I'm a characterologically lonely person, I think. I enjoy and like plenty of people, sure, but there are very, very few people with whom I feel a genuine, deep, and solid connection. I can connect well enough with various people over a number of interests and opinions, but there's a deeper, more global or cumulative je-nais-se-quois that I've only managed to experience with a rare few people.

Offhand, I'd say that it helps to try to calibrate your expectations of people based on who they are and what they're capable of giving you, and then value them on those terms. You need to remind yourself that nobody is capable of fulfilling your every desire and need, and that holding any given person to such a standard is toxic and harmful to all parties involved. So, if someone's just an anime buddy, try not to get too upset that they're also not an emotional-support buddy.

Next, you'll have to accept that relationships evolve and change, and that this means that sometimes old friendships will die. That's unfortunate, but sadly, it's a common part of life. Grieve the loss, and then do your best to move on. Remind yourself that something even better may be waiting over the next hill.

Third, you should check in periodically with your health provider to make sure your anti-depressants and/or other medications are working for you, as medication side effects and untreated symptoms can colour your thinking and dampen your emotions.

Fourth, I'm biased, but therapy can be a wonderful balm onto your soul in ways you didn't even expect. In a world of reciprocal and contractual relationships, your therapist is, ideally, somebody whose job is to just be there for you. A good therapist can also provide you with additional resources and skills for forging healthy relationships with other people, and coping when relationships fart out.
 

TrishaCat

The Cat in the FAF
Thank you all very much.
It really sounds like what I need to do is make sure to have my expectations in check when meeting new people, try to expand my hobbies some so that way I can be more interesting as a person and have more to talk about, and just, as hard as it may be, push myself to just be more open and social in general. Try to get myself to say things to people basically and join in on conversations and read the environment so to speak when doing this to avoid too much awkwardness. I'll work towards all of this,and while it may seem kind of obvious, I really appreciate all your words. I'm not quoting everything or responding to everything in particular just because there's SO MUCH that you've all written, but rest assured I've read it all and appreciate it all the same. Thank you.
Fourth, I'm biased, but therapy can be a wonderful balm onto your soul in ways you didn't even expect. In a world of reciprocal and contractual relationships, your therapist is, ideally, somebody whose job is to just be there for you. A good therapist can also provide you with additional resources and skills for forging healthy relationships with other people, and coping when relationships fart out.
Whilst not quite a therapist (and please correct me if I'm wrong about making a comparison between a counselor and a therapist) ,I actually saw a counselor for a short period of time while at college before summer started and whilst some of the things she told me and talked to me about felt...obvious, I can definitely agree that having such a person to talk to helps tremendously. She pointed out just some little things I could change and do to help improve myself and make myself more approachable and I really appreciated it (like the fact that I walk everywhere while wearing headphones to listen to music, and that I shouldn't do that if I want to be more approachable to people). Plus it just felt good to have someone to talk to who was there pretty much to listen to me. You're absolutely on point in this regard, and if need be, I'll definitely start making appointments again to see the counselor at my college.
Unrelated: That Charmander image made my day! I played through the PMD series as Charmander and loved every bit of it.
Aye, the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series is one of my favorite series of games. Explorers of Sky and Super in particular I think are fantastic, though one thing I miss about the jump to 3D on the 3DS are those wonderful sprites. The old GBA/DS character sprites were fun, and I always got picked as Charmander for Rescue Team so that one stuck with me. I'm glad someone else enjoys these games too.
And fuck me! I completely forgot The Eccentric Family was on my to-watch list(I added that shit back when it was first aired, but never got around to watch it as I had a lot more shit to watch). I feel ashamed for not having seen it yet as it looked pretty damn interesting from the trailer.
It really is! The show is extremely quirky but that's partly what makes it so great. Even in the OP there's a flash of the words "Be interesting!" in the first 5 seconds of it. I think that right there says it all. Plus it just has a tremendous amount of effort put into its family theme, spending a great deal of time on the characters and their relationships and how they all care for one another even if they don't always get along.
my happiness is not important
Please don't say this about yourself. I get what you're saying, and I understand that you have children to care for, but please don't think your happiness isn't important. It is. Its not always easy, and especially in your monetary position I imagine, but please remember to try and do for yourself too when you can. Its no fun to do things without joy and over time that can build up and make things worse on everyone over time, although I'm sure you know this already. I don't wanna sound preachy or anything; just that you shouldn't think your happiness isn't important.
 

Troj

Your Friendly Neighborhood Dino Therapist
Start slow. Frequent quiet places, like libraries and bookstores. Then maybe coffee shops. You don’t wanna go from being a homebody to a rave queen.

On the shoulders of that, I'd say, generally go where you want to go, because that's where you'll be likelier to meet people who actually share your values, interests, and personality. Mix in a few "risks" in the form of new things you've never tried before, but which sound potentially fun or interesting, but don't force yourself to go to places or events that bore or aggravate you.
 

Zamietka

Well-Known Member
Personally I've been struggling with social anxiety for years, and it got a lot better in the last two months.
By now I figured out the best tactic for me was changing my surroundings whenever I felt lonely. Of course it's not so simple but this is the sole reason I changed primary school three times. Surprisingly turned out that the school full of young deliquents somehow treated me the best lol
When I moved back to my small town in middle school that I put up with for 3 years and I talked to literally 2 people there. Then for high school I went to capital city again just so I wouldn't meet people from my town lol. Aboubt 90% of my friends are from this high school so that was a great idea even though everyone was opposed to it.
Then I thought hey let's go to college to another city 2 hours away so I did and it was so terrible. I had the same situation, wouldn't talk to my roommates for days, had no one to talk to at college, and the whole city. I even tried to talk to people on bus stops because I felt so lonely. And in february I've had enough and I just moved my ass back home, totally depressed. Finally after a while of self loathing I found a job too and people are so nice here, so I'm glad I did that.
And this all sounds probably weird but again, my social anxiety was making it hard to go shopping, go for a walk, everything. And exposure is the best solution. College sucked but I had to go shopping or else I would be starving and I had to walk around to learn the city, and now I have no problems with it.


But well, you don't seem to have problems with going places out of judgment of other people - correct me if I'm wrong - you just don't think anyone out there shares your interests and you don't really know how to make friends. You also don't like starting conversations. So social interaction is your main issue. What helps there the most is having more self-confidence.

As for starting conversations - I think the most awkward beginnings turned out to the best friendships in my case, and no friendships started with being silent, so yeah, just keep that in mind. You can start out with asking random people for a time on a bus stop, that seemed to help me a lot, surprisingly. Learn how to make small talk (there are whole articles on it in the web) and practice it, at first it will be awkward but then it will come more naturally.

And don't expect someone to share your passion 100%, I think you can count more on finding someone who likes popular jRPGs and showing them more of the unpopular titles and there's a high chance you will drag them into hell together with you. You can try wearing gaming buttons on your schoolbag or keychains or even play something in a places surrounded with people if you have a portable console. I once did that and I spent the rest of my lunch break talking to someone 6 years older than me about Fire Emblem and Shin Megami Tensei so that was awesome. Anime conventions are also a thing.

Expanding your hobbies should help and it's fun too, just don't try to force yourself to change in order to have friends, do it for yourself and your enjoyment. Respecting people is a good trait to have too. I am a silent person and I know I need to talk more when interacting with others and I do my best - but also I expect other people to accept me being more on the quiet side. If they don't, they are not worth talking to.
Of course you can't expect anything will change right away, so for now just try to keep yourself occupied, as someone said, got to quiet places surrounded with people every once in a while just so you won't become a shut-in.
It turned out to be more of a ramble instead of advice but whatever, I wish you luck with making friends and less loneliness in the future!
 

Yakamaru

Very Speshul Title
It really is! The show is extremely quirky but that's partly what makes it so great. Even in the OP there's a flash of the words "Be interesting!" in the first 5 seconds of it. I think that right there says it all. Plus it just has a tremendous amount of effort put into its family theme, spending a great deal of time on the characters and their relationships and how they all care for one another even if they don't always get along.
Yeah, I figured as much from the trailer I saw way back.

Grabbing the series now, actually. See if it's good. Grabbing the 2nd season too. Crap. I have such a large backlog.. >_<
 

MrPhox

Well-Known Member
I'm alone. I mean I live with my sister, but I don't really have contact with furs or none furs.

I don't want a date, a mate. I would like a friend that I can talk to, i would like to go meet furs but the local are are kinda not my kind and I'm not the only one who think so, but I don't really talk with him or other.

I'm not very social since all my life I was alone, did not want to hang with jerk who do nothing but sit on their but so I stay at home watch TV play with my Lego ^^

I would like to meet other, but where and how you do that? I don't want a mate, so no dating site for me. I don't drink beer or any other alcohols, I don't drink coffee and I don't have money most of the time.
 
Top