Your Friendly Neighborhood Dino Therapist
I probably (????) qualify as non-binary. I've never really "gotten" gender, and don't feel wedded to it, and often feel varying degrees of discomfort or ambivalence with being gendered.
I’ve been fairly secretive and low-key about this for a while, but after recent interactions with some of my family, I really need to vent . . .
Almost my whole life, I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin, and I’ve always had gender roles or stereotypes pressured onto me in someways. As a kid I was the type that chose the boy toy over the girl toy at McDonald’s. After my first grade birthday party where all the kids gave me barbies and shit, when I invited people the following years I told them to “DON’T GIVE ME BARBIES OR BRATZ OR ANYTHING”. I never liked wearing anything feminine, either. But when I got older my mom and brother liked to try to force feminine things on me. Like my mom making me but clothes that are feminine (some that I wore like once if ever and then never again), my mom and brother always complained about how I had hairy legs or a moustache and said YOU NEED TO SHAVE THAT OR ANY MAN WILL BE GROSSED OUT!!!! ™ Or my brother telling me I should style my hair and look pretty ™. I also never EVER liked saying my deadname. It felt wrong and uncomfortable to say all the time. I always held back from actually being trans or anything though because I knew going down that road would make my life more difficult. I just never said my gender online and let people refer to me as a guy or “they”. But ever since some past bad people went and outed my birth sex to a bunch of people online, I felt so fucking uncomfortable I had to add my pronouns to my accounts (he/they) or make them say male. At that point I knew there was no turning back.
but now I never said anything to anyone in my family because I knew my mom was very transphobic. All I ever did was cut my hair and wear some of my brother’s old shirts that I found. Next thing I know, my mom and my brother (who the latter I haven’t even seen, he’s in Japan) are telling me I’m being brainwashed by losers / mentally ill people on the internet to be this way to fulfill their agenda or some bs. It came out of left field and I just feel disgusting, lost and rejected and questioning my sanity. My friend is helping me and luckily my dad has been nice and not saying anything weird but god do I feel like shit. I knew this would make my life more difficult and I just don’t know what to do. Why can’t I just be a me that I feel more comfortable with? Anything different is apparently evil to them. I wish my sister was here to talk to because she was also gay and dealt with similar shit from my mom...but she died eight years ago. My mom also thought she was “turned gay by the internet”.
I’m going to move out. I’m not being controlled by my mom anymore. They’re being so hypocritical it’s ridiculous. Sorry for ranting here but idk what to do. I feel a bit of hatred towards myself. My brother’s texts were fucked up and I blocked him after his last one of him telling me I’m “not a man” and that it’s just a delusion I’m encouraging and was taught by fucked up people online...
anyway I’m a nb male I guess because I go by he/they