How to react to homophobia?

[greygamora]

I said homophobia in the title but I refer to all genders/sexualities, if there's a word for it please tell me. Basically my place is very homophobic but everyone acts like they're accepting. (which is the reason why I'm in the closet) I would like to learn how to react to it, right now I just laugh along and let it slide but it's affecting my mental health quite a bit because all the time I'm hearing the most vile, negative stuff unknowingly directed to me from people who are closest to me. Also I don't have a single person in my life who is accepting so I have nobody to turn to. It hurts me to see people casually deny someone's right to exist because they may not be straight. I know that I can't change other people, I just want to be able to sleep well at night and stop having nightmares about losing everything because of my sexuality.

 

[vickers]

Unfortunately sometimes the safest thing you can do is remain hidden, especially if your family is not accepting of you. I don't know what the situation is like where you live, but I personally ended up meeting a lot of LGBT people when I went to college, in a big city. Even some professors were LGBT. People tend to be more accepting in places like that.

Some people can change their opinions after a while, even really homophobic family members. But I recommend finding your own place and getting your own financial independence before having this kind of discussion with them, because a lot of parents do abandon their kids for being gay. So you have to hang in there until then.

However, I can say that you don't actually have to come out in order to stand up against homophobia. I don't know exactly what your situation is, but you can start slow, like for example making a point to not laugh at a homophobic joke. Don't even make a big deal out of it. Just act like someone told you a really unfunny joke, and then people will be forced to confront why is it that they find it funny. Or at the very least they'll stop telling these jokes to you because they know they won't get a reaction.

And if someone mentions how gross it is when two guys kiss, just tell them: "I don't think it is" or something along those lines. Just make it sound like a minor disagreement, your own opinion on the topic. A lot of times people get really upset when someone disagrees with them, but you have to stand your ground. (but again, only do that if it's safe for you.)

I feel like I can't give too much useful advice because when I was younger I was a really hot headed kid who spoke my mind about everything that pissed me off, but thankfully my parents were never really the type to disown me over disagreements. Not all parents are like this though, and that's why it's safer to have these talks once you live on your own. If your family and friends continue being horrible people, then unfortunately you'll have to cut them away from your life entirely.

 

[Fallowfox]

I guess I am 'in the closet' as well.
This specific place I am living seems to have anti-discrimination protection for employees etc- and there appears to be an active political movement in the town to promote inclusivity.

The fact there is an active movement is, to be honest, making me apprehensive about letting my mask slip though; because there wouldn't be an acceptance movement if there wasn't some kind of threat that had to be confronted.

 

[quoting_mungo]

I guess I am 'in the closet' as well.
This specific place I am living seems to have anti-discrimination protection for employees etc- and there appears to be an active political movement in the town to promote inclusivity.

The fact there is an active movement is, to be honest, making me apprehensive about letting my mask slip though; because there wouldn't be an acceptance movement if there wasn't some kind of threat that had to be confronted.

I guess the question is where the threat is (or is perceived to be). Best case scenario, the driving forces behind the inclusivity movement in your town are reacting to winds blowing in other parts of the country, as a precautionary measure.

Seems like a good, safe option to not tip your hand until you know the background, though. Your own safety comes first.

 

[Firuthi Dragovic]

Your statement of "no one who is accepting" leads me to ask how much they actively police for that stuff. Were it not for this question, I'd be looking at more covert ways to express oneself - ones your average homophobe would not notice as LGBT+.

Personally I wind up in the closet for a few reasons:
1. The overt displays simply aren't me. This is likely to never go away.
2. I still don't live alone yet, and while my family isn't blatantly homophobic, they are... not exactly well-versed in the whole issue. The approaches I have to use to explain LGBT+ issues around here would probably drive most of that community ballistic.
3. No real gay avenues within any less than half an hour's drive. There simply isn't the necessary expression where I am currently.
4. Aaaaand there's that time I encountered blatant, unprompted transphobia in a previous workplace. It blindsided me so hard that I couldn't come up with a 'clean' response. And it makes me wonder how deep the phobia well goes.

 

[Baron Tredegar]

What area do you live in? I live in the American South and you sound like you just described my hometown.

 

[Antalese]

I'm in the same position (NB and Gay) from a small town in the American South. I mostly keep it to myself because I know it would only cause more problems if I tried to explain it. I'm trying to save up and move somewhere more accepting. I wish you all peace of mind and, a good life

 

[greygamora]

Unfortunately sometimes the safest thing you can do is remain hidden, especially if your family is not accepting of you. I don't know what the situation is like where you live, but I personally ended up meeting a lot of LGBT people when I went to college, in a big city. Even some professors were LGBT. People tend to be more accepting in places like that.

Some people can change their opinions after a while, even really homophobic family members. But I recommend finding your own place and getting your own financial independence before having this kind of discussion with them, because a lot of parents do abandon their kids for being gay. So you have to hang in there until then.

However, I can say that you don't actually have to come out in order to stand up against homophobia. I don't know exactly what your situation is, but you can start slow, like for example making a point to not laugh at a homophobic joke. Don't even make a big deal out of it. Just act like someone told you a really unfunny joke, and then people will be forced to confront why is it that they find it funny. Or at the very least they'll stop telling these jokes to you because they know they won't get a reaction.

And if someone mentions how gross it is when two guys kiss, just tell them: "I don't think it is" or something along those lines. Just make it sound like a minor disagreement, your own opinion on the topic. A lot of times people get really upset when someone disagrees with them, but you have to stand your ground. (but again, only do that if it's safe for you.)

I feel like I can't give too much useful advice because when I was younger I was a really hot headed kid who spoke my mind about everything that pissed me off, but thankfully my parents were never really the type to disown me over disagreements. Not all parents are like this though, and that's why it's safer to have these talks once you live on your own. If your family and friends continue being horrible people, then unfortunately you'll have to cut them away from your life entirely.

I did somewhat almost just about come out but quickly backpedaled after a couple "WHAT?"s (yes in capital letters lol) I received in response... I didn't know better, this advice is very true. I sadly cannot cut my parents out of my life for certain private reasons that just about permanently tie me to them. My mom seemed somewhat accepting at first but from further observations I have come to a different conclusion. It's a whole mess, I hate it.

I guess I am 'in the closet' as well.
This specific place I am living seems to have anti-discrimination protection for employees etc- and there appears to be an active political movement in the town to promote inclusivity.

The fact there is an active movement is, to be honest, making me apprehensive about letting my mask slip though; because there wouldn't be an acceptance movement if there wasn't some kind of threat that had to be confronted.

Smart, I didn't think of it that way.

Your statement of "no one who is accepting" leads me to ask how much they actively police for that stuff. Were it not for this question, I'd be looking at more covert ways to express oneself - ones your average homophobe would not notice as LGBT+.

Personally I wind up in the closet for a few reasons:
1. The overt displays simply aren't me. This is likely to never go away.
2. I still don't live alone yet, and while my family isn't blatantly homophobic, they are... not exactly well-versed in the whole issue. The approaches I have to use to explain LGBT+ issues around here would probably drive most of that community ballistic.
3. No real gay avenues within any less than half an hour's drive. There simply isn't the necessary expression where I am currently.
4. Aaaaand there's that time I encountered blatant, unprompted transphobia in a previous workplace. It blindsided me so hard that I couldn't come up with a 'clean' response. And it makes me wonder how deep the phobia well goes.

I've read about the "secret" ways to express yourself but it's always so blatant. If you're wearing a rainbow pin for example I doubt you'd last 5 minutes in public before someone noticed. (if you live in a small town) The last point is just sad... I guess workplaces don't care if nobody speaks about it.

no way, try not to react in any way, these are people with minimal empathy

Well I don't or sort of go along but I would like to lessen the impact on myself by doing that. It's nearly impossible to ignore sadly :/

What area do you live in? I live in the American South and you sound like you just described my hometown.

Croatia.

I'm in the same position (NB and Gay) from a small town in the American South. I mostly keep it to myself because I know it would only cause more problems if I tried to explain it. I'm trying to save up and move somewhere more accepting. I wish you all peace of mind and, a good life

Thank you I hope you succeed!

Sorry for the late reply, I was going through something recently and couldn't concentrate on formulating a good one.

 

[Yakamaru]

Either pee on it, laugh at it or ignore it. Or all 3 in a random order. :>

 

[Firuthi Dragovic]

I've read about the "secret" ways to express yourself but it's always so blatant. If you're wearing a rainbow pin for example I doubt you'd last 5 minutes in public before someone noticed. (if you live in a small town) The last point is just sad... I guess workplaces don't care if nobody speaks about it.

Sadly I encountered the incident on my last day working there. That job had a LOT of "good old boys" issues (so in addition to not being as LGBT-friendly, there was at least a little misogyny. There was a little less shortly after I got there as they gave a couple of the worst offenders the boot in an investigation I never got involved in).

 

[quoting_mungo]

I've read about the "secret" ways to express yourself but it's always so blatant. If you're wearing a rainbow pin for example I doubt you'd last 5 minutes in public before someone noticed. (if you live in a small town) The last point is just sad... I guess workplaces don't care if nobody speaks about it.

I think that can be quite contextual (and also depend on local culture, what gender you pass as, and so on) - there can absolutely be signals that leave plenty of plausible deniability. Like, actual literal rainbows (I'm sure there are nicer ones than those shitty craft store pins in the same vein) can pass as "cute" rather than "gay" (provided it's safe for you to say "I just think it's cute" if challenged - this is possibly more likely to be the case for femme-passing individuals in many places), some gay cultural icons are also successful enough that a band pin or patch could be brushed off as "dude, Bohemian Rhapsody is totally a classic," and so on. I don't much have my finger on the pulse, so I couldn't tell you exactly what might or might not work there, and I certainly don't know what would stand out/raise suspicion in Croatia, but I hope you can see where I'm going with the general idea.

People are often also pretty good at overlooking things that look "cool" while simultaneously being pride-flavored. I have this design on a T-shirt (sadly that line of shirts seems to no longer be sold - I'm sad because I'd like backups of a few that are starting to show their age), and no one's ever acted like they thought it was in any way pride-related. Though I might also get away with more on that front because I have tits. :V

 

[KimberVaile]

In real life spaces? Depends on who is being homophobic. Sometimes you can read intentions behind he homophobia, at times it's inspired by a shame of themselves being homosexual, other times, it's religious, and others still, it's just cool or acceptable to do so.

That said. If these are coworkers or classmates, unfortunately, the safest thing to do is keep your head down. But if you're not going to be running into these people regularly, sometimes it's worth trying to reason with them. Sometimes that's how things are, my state is a little spotty when it comes to how ok people are with it or not. I've had better luck being open about not just my sexuality but my feeling to my online friends than anybody in real life.

Of course, that's just what worked for me.

 

[Fallowfox]

I wish we had better suggestions than just pretending not to be who we are.

 

[Troj]

I wish we had better suggestions than just pretending not to be who we are.

Of course, another option is to try to put distance or boundaries between oneself and the bigots, abusers, and other toxic people, but that can be easier said than done (especially if you happen to live in a bigoted environment or society)--but, yes.

 

[Euroann]

Hang in there Grey hope you find a way out of that. Wish I could offer advice that helped but you seem like a pretty smart fur and I know something will happen with that. Often courage is the only thing we have left when the outcome is doomed, we tend to sacrifice ourselves internally to service those we love and often we are also influenced by fear.

 

[Punji]

There is no magic bullet to solve every problem. Don't blame others when they can't just wish away a longterm cultural issue.

My best advice to homophobia and such is to just ignore it as much as possible and not be an obvious target. There's no real way to suddenly win the hearts and minds of others, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all.