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If your pets could talk, what would they say? What would you?

Aikon

Member
Ello:

Simple enough question... if by magic you were able to converse with your pet and you both understood each other for a very short period of time, (a few minutes) what would you tell your pet and what do you think your pet would tell you?

The point is, given the short amount of time what would be the most important things you could tell your pet and what would your pet tell you?

I'll start with my dog Riff Raff, a 9 year old tricolor rough coat collie dog. I had him since he was a pup.

Riff Raff: He'd probably complain about the air not being on at all times and me tilting the fan upward so he doesn't hog it all. He'll probably ask me for more bread because that's his favorite treat, and tell me I'm an idiot for leaving it on the counter where he can jump up and get it (and he's right, I am an idiot, he's done this dozens of times). He'd probably also ask me to scootch over for him more often when he decides to lay his entire 130 # body lengthwise across my tiny bed. He hates having his paws dangling off the edge. He's also probably wondering why I haven't finished gutting my bedrooms three years ago, and wondering if that giant queen size bed will ever be his own. I'd answer with a reassuring no.

Me: I'd remind him I keep the air on even when I'm not home so he keeps cool, and the fan runs 24/7 just FOR him. Also, I'd ask him to be better behaved when it's grooming time, since he hates it so much it takes three times as long as an ORIDNARY dog. He's no ordinary dog.

I'd request that when it starts thundering to not shiver under my feet. I'd kindly remind him of the many times I have tripped over him as a result. And lastly, ask him to go when when I take him out (two / three times a day) and not literally as soon as I turn out the lights to go to bed. And yes, he does this quite often, even if I just took him outside an hour before going to bed.

Lastly, I'd save the real important stuff for last because I think he already knows what i'm about to say here. I'd let him know he is the best dog I ever had (truth) and that I'll always love him like a best friend. I'd like to think he would reply that he has enjoyed his life with me and that he will continue to do so as long as I'm still his master. :Crosses fingers:

I've said what I needed too, now it's your turn. Can be any kind of pet (except human pets).

Have fun!
 

robomilk

fruit bat at large
I'll have to do my family cat Felicity.

She would probably complain about something or other, wonder where Felix is (he had to be put down a few weeks ago) and then go to sleep.

If she started talking I would probably run around in circles screaming about how I'd gone insane and collapse.

That's my life for you.
 

Charha

Member
My cats would probably just stare at me with a baffled look on their face. Or then they would utter short and alarmed sentences such as:

"Hey? Hey, what's that?"

"Hey? Hey, um... Hey?"

"Hey, listen."

"My chair. Not yours."

"Hey, give us some food, okay?"

"I made a poopoo. Kinda ashamed now."

I'm not sure what I would tell my cats... Perhaps I'd give them some useful information - for example that they can't pee anywhere except in the litterbox, not even if they're feeling confused. I might also ask them not to sharpen their claws on my roommate's armchair. And I'd tell them that car rides are nothing to be afraid of. I might also tell them that I like them a lot.
 

Silverdragon00

Banned
Banned
my dog is a black labrador
have had him for 8 years

my dog would probably still be too stupid to talk. if he could understand me though, id tell him to SHUT THE HELL UP!

(amazingly right now he aint barkin)
 

CK01

New Member
Our cat already talks.

Okay, I give voice to what I think he's saying. Til my g/f hits me.

"How come your not feeding me?"

"How come your feeding me that crap?"

"I know you can hear me scratching at the door, open up."

"How come you won't let me out? I've been fed, that means I'm less likely to hurt native animals. Don't I look innocent?"
 
hrmm.. i have a few pets, so here goes

our male papillion would prolly just go spastic: "OMG running! JUMP! AGH scary! RUN AWAY! don't touch me."

our female papillon would be a pompous bitch: "Pet me, human, I am better than these stupid animals. I am queen."

our female pointer/dachshund mix would just be a retard: "Food. CAT! attack! what? i farted"

and our cat would just be odd...: "You are all incredibly stupid. GET AWAY FROM ME, MUTT!"

I would probably just tell them to shut the hell up. Yeah, that's about it.
 

verix

some dragon
WHY DO YOU KEEP THROWING ME ACROSS THE ROOM

GOD YOU ASSHOLE THESE WIRES ARE SO TASTY CAN'T I JUST PLAY WITH THEM A LITTLE??
 

thelonelydragon

Wheeeeee!
If my cat was still around, I got a few things to say to him like;

"Please stop destroying my house."
"Please stop sleeping on me at the worst possible times."
"Please stop bringing your lunch back alive."

And he'll probably just reply, "But it's so much FUN!"
 

Kyrre

Member
Sebastian would be quite intellegent, though senile in his own age. My 18-year old Siamese cat would probably ask me questions about why reality television has taken over primetime television, and ask when Matlock will be on next.

His twin sister (no, not that kind of Siamese twin), Minné would be more... annoying. She would sound more like Navi from Legend of Zelda with one-word utterances every few minutes gauging for a response from anyone as a sign people are still able to pay attention to her.
 

Wolfie

Member
Koda: "I wuv you." ^.^

Me: "I wuv you too." *hugs* ^.^

DAKOTA.jpg
 

joecifur

New Member
I'm grateful my dog can't talk. I'm pretty sure it'd be a constant stream of "oh boy, dog food, my favourite! Oh boy, walks, my favourite! Oh boy, toilet paper roll, my favourite! Oh boy, Joe's home, my favourite! Oh boy, company's here, my favourite! Oh boy, the cat, my favourite! Oh boy, ice cubes, my favourite! Oh boy, squeaky toy, my favourite! Oh boy, ear scratches, my favourite! Oh boy, bath time, my favourite!" ---you get the picture.
 

Sprocket

Member
My tabby is delusional. He's pretty quiet, but anything he'd say about himself would be in the vein of some ancient Lovecraftian horror.

"Feed me, mortal. I am the scourge of a thousand suns!"
"That's my chair. Dare you defy me?"
"I have slept for aeons. Why are you still here?"

The toroiseshell mews a lot anyway. I guess she'd be real chatty.

"So then Jermy said that Honey said that he said there was this thing at that place, but I knew you'd know better than that anyway so I said it can't have been where they said it was because you wouldn't have put it there, but Tybalt went to see it anyway but he didn't..."

The retriever, Tess, would be constantly apologetic.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
You haven't done anything. You've just been sitting at my feet for half an hour.
"I'm sorry anyway."
or
"Wow, grass! What's this? Water! Oh wow!"
 

emptyF

where my frogs at?
my cat odin: i wanna go outsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddddeee!!!!! (repeat every .25 seconds)

my cat freya: OHMYGODWHATWASTHAT?! (and then run away)
 

TeeGee

Member
Cat: "You're at the fridge. Gimme some of that ham. Oh and that turkey. Please? Pleeeeeease? Oh look at that over there! I'm going to freak out and run up the stairs now!"

That's about it.
 

Aikon

Member
I_Own_Charles said:
I like how you wrote # instead of pound or lbs.

Sometimes (more often than not) I'm a lazy typer. :)
 

toggle

New Member
My cat, cleo, would say " BOW BEFORE ME MORTAL, FOR I AM A GOD. YOU SHALL GIVE ME YOUR SOUL AND ALL I DESIRE OR BURN IN THE ETERNAL FIRES OF HELL. BWAHAHAHAHAHA ," or something like that
 

Todd Fox

New Member
My dogs DO talk to me, and they say,

Tannis:
Pet me daddy, i want you to pet me! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,.. Nevermind, throw this toy i just gutted, daddy, throw the gutted toy. Yaaayyy!! look! i have a gutted toy!

Lookit me daddy! Lookit lookit lookit,... Awww, Daddy, Maggie's humping me again.

Maggie:
I have to pee, let me out. Good boy pet my ears. Good boy, now give to me treat. Good boy. I shall now hump every other pack member ad nausium and take a nap.

Bridgid:
Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me,Pet me, Noooo, not outside! Maggie is outside!

Dumass:
Why,.. if I drink more, I can pee more.
 

toggle

New Member
at least your dogs only want attention and pets. if you escuse me, my cat needs more humans sacrifices, so im going to Walmart
 

Moon-Baby

Transitional Lifeform
Nicholas(cat): get the dog away from me...:mad:grwww
Natasha(cat): what was that? huh? What did you say? what? huh? (she may be going deaf. she's started yelling a lot)
Pikkel(cat):lemme out so I can see my GF 8) OH GOD THE DOG IS SMELLING ME AGAIN! Run Away Run Away!

Ted(dog):just gimme the food and scritch behind the ear...
Caruso(dog)heheheh...yeah, just try to put that collar on me. I'll be running down the street again in 2 minutes 8) (he escapes from ANYTHING. his nickname is Houdini.)

Razz(dog who thinks he's a cat) Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?
Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?
Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?Play?
:D:D:D:D:D*jumps on to the table and steals the cat's food bowl*
 

Whirlaxis

Member
my fat cat: stop going upstairs all the time, theyre to hard to climb to get you to pet me.
me:stop jumping on my desk and hiding behind the monitor! last time you knocked water all over my keyboard!
cat: whine whine. is that all you ever do? now pet me, my ear itches, and my food bowl is not full!

my other cat: can you pet me?
me: sure *pets him*
cat: good, now dont take your hand away or ill scratch and bite it :twisted:
me: ...fuck, he got me again :x
 
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