I’m in the same boat as you. I’ll give it a read and commentate as I go! Take everything I say with all the salt in the world, I’m not exactly experienced at writing.
To start, I’m loving the narration style. Your sarcasm is great and you’re relatable and sympathetic. But then you hit “ I know that because”, where you broke immersion. Why would you say that unless you’re addressing an audience? Even if the entire thing is, in fact, addressing an audience, it’s easier to feel “there” if you just narrate what occurred instead of explaining. I.E. instead of “I know that [they don’t call] because I’ve spent 6 years in unemployment” (explaining why it happened), “6 years of unemployment taught me that they don’t” (explaining what happened). That’s just what I would do, I’m as new if not newer than you, take that with a grain of salt.
“One more late payment and I was guaranteed to be evicted” is a great opportunity to execute on “show don’t tell”. What if, instead of telling us, you got an eviction deadline notice posted on your front door?
“His amber-colored eyes felt like they could bore a hole into the darkest reaches of your soul and then serve it a platter of freshly baked snickerdoodles” is very fun descriptive whiplash. Don’t use it too often, but when you did, it worked well IMHO.
“goodwill” should be capitalized. Sorry, I’m a stickler for grammar!
From the cat’s perspective, you didn’t simply “distract” the man’s attention. You stole it. So the stronger verb “stealing” might be slightly more appropriate.
You’re really good at description in general. “Waltzed” is a really good way to seal the cat’s attitude in general, and Mr. Whatshisname is also very firmly established in my mind. Can’t decide if he’s sinister or not, but given that it’s a TF story, probably.
When the old man said “evicted”, that literally elicited an “Oh ****” in my mind. You got me to sympathize with you as a character. Good job!
“This only made me angrier” is unnecessary. I was expecting you to get angry and your cursing only confirms my expectations.
“I mean that in an entirely rhetorical way” can be shortened to “metaphorically”, unless it’s in character to say it in that roundabout manner.
“Smoothing out his confused visage”
—HA! Amazing
In the descriptive paragraph right after, I wasn’t a personal fan of you going into soliloquy detail about how depression creeped up. Anger turning to resigned defeat communicates hopelessness good enough, in my book. Then again, I’ve never experienced that myself, so it could just be me.
“Have you tried developing a personality?”
This got a laugh.
You say “brushed by him” and then “brushed him aside” shortly after. I’d replace one of the “brush” verbs.
The paragraph after “if you insist”. What does that have to do with the story as a whole? I could tell you were down on your luck, the only new info I got (character-wise) was that you’re mostly a victim here. I already sympathize with you, you’re already actively seeking a new job, you probably don’t need to make that explicit.
And the next two paragraphs. Very sad, but not relevant to the plot you’ve already set up. You need a solution/money, knowing more backstory doesn’t really help with advancing that.
Random package? TF story? I can see where this is headed~
“Whether for me or the mental health of the old man I
knew not” would be correct verb tense. Also “after searching through endless mounds of packing peanuts
I found 3 items”.
“Yea, right” you said shortly after. Would you say that out loud, given that you’re alone? Or would you think it?
“Charlie” becoming an outpost of childlike fun in a world going to hell in a hand basket is a great concept. Makes you go “awww” despite the circumstances. Practically adorable. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
‘Replaced and probably burned” is hilarious. I’d put “and probably burned” in parenthesis for extra comedic effect, but it’s great as it is.
Why is “Earthquake” capitalized?
“Two qualities one would not normally associate with a hand puppet” is great, much like the rest of your narration, but ill-timed. This is serious, so I wouldn’t personally bust out the snark.
Damn, you’re actually describing the TF! You’re better than half the TF writers I’ve seen on that merit alone!
“I’d mow his lawn and wash his car for the rest of my life if I had to” is HILARIOUS!
“The McManister's dog two houses down barking his head off at an intruder like he was "Aaaaarrgh!””
Excuse me? Here I was, totally immersed and note even able to commentate, and a sentence just ends out of nowhere.
Wait the story’s restarting? Hmm, some sort of uploading error I presume. Did you copy and paste this from Word or Google Docs or something?
Your teetering between humble supplication and raining down slicey death is amusing and relatable. You’re also suspiciously genre-savvy, which is telegraphing that this isn’t going to go as you predict...
I want to share in the horror you’re experiencing as you get teleported, but I can’t help but think of the Abominable Snowman from Monster’s Inc. saying “Welcome to the Himalayas!” Not your fault for writing, by any means, just a personal note.
And with that I finish reading. Holy smokes. I certainly want to know more about this sinister voice at the end, and why Cedric wasn’t smirking. Cuz I also totally imagined him smirking. Amazing! Probably the best TF story I’ve read to date. I loved this, and would be interested to see where it goes. Specifically if you get to confront Cedric later (and/or learn to survive without your TV and grocery stores). I give you two human thumbs up. Well done.
