I'm new and I've got stories to share

I’m in the same boat as you. I’ll give it a read and commentate as I go! Take everything I say with all the salt in the world, I’m not exactly experienced at writing.

To start, I’m loving the narration style. Your sarcasm is great and you’re relatable and sympathetic. But then you hit “ I know that because”, where you broke immersion. Why would you say that unless you’re addressing an audience? Even if the entire thing is, in fact, addressing an audience, it’s easier to feel “there” if you just narrate what occurred instead of explaining. I.E. instead of “I know that [they don’t call] because I’ve spent 6 years in unemployment” (explaining why it happened), “6 years of unemployment taught me that they don’t” (explaining what happened). That’s just what I would do, I’m as new if not newer than you, take that with a grain of salt.

“One more late payment and I was guaranteed to be evicted” is a great opportunity to execute on “show don’t tell”. What if, instead of telling us, you got an eviction deadline notice posted on your front door?

“His amber-colored eyes felt like they could bore a hole into the darkest reaches of your soul and then serve it a platter of freshly baked snickerdoodles” is very fun descriptive whiplash. Don’t use it too often, but when you did, it worked well IMHO.

“goodwill” should be capitalized. Sorry, I’m a stickler for grammar!

From the cat’s perspective, you didn’t simply “distract” the man’s attention. You stole it. So the stronger verb “stealing” might be slightly more appropriate.

You’re really good at description in general. “Waltzed” is a really good way to seal the cat’s attitude in general, and Mr. Whatshisname is also very firmly established in my mind. Can’t decide if he’s sinister or not, but given that it’s a TF story, probably.

When the old man said “evicted”, that literally elicited an “Oh ****” in my mind. You got me to sympathize with you as a character. Good job!

“This only made me angrier” is unnecessary. I was expecting you to get angry and your cursing only confirms my expectations.

“I mean that in an entirely rhetorical way” can be shortened to “metaphorically”, unless it’s in character to say it in that roundabout manner.

“Smoothing out his confused visage”
—HA! Amazing

In the descriptive paragraph right after, I wasn’t a personal fan of you going into soliloquy detail about how depression creeped up. Anger turning to resigned defeat communicates hopelessness good enough, in my book. Then again, I’ve never experienced that myself, so it could just be me.

“Have you tried developing a personality?”
This got a laugh.

You say “brushed by him” and then “brushed him aside” shortly after. I’d replace one of the “brush” verbs.

The paragraph after “if you insist”. What does that have to do with the story as a whole? I could tell you were down on your luck, the only new info I got (character-wise) was that you’re mostly a victim here. I already sympathize with you, you’re already actively seeking a new job, you probably don’t need to make that explicit.

And the next two paragraphs. Very sad, but not relevant to the plot you’ve already set up. You need a solution/money, knowing more backstory doesn’t really help with advancing that.

Random package? TF story? I can see where this is headed~

“Whether for me or the mental health of the old man I knew not” would be correct verb tense. Also “after searching through endless mounds of packing peanuts I found 3 items”.

“Yea, right” you said shortly after. Would you say that out loud, given that you’re alone? Or would you think it?

“Charlie” becoming an outpost of childlike fun in a world going to hell in a hand basket is a great concept. Makes you go “awww” despite the circumstances. Practically adorable. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

‘Replaced and probably burned” is hilarious. I’d put “and probably burned” in parenthesis for extra comedic effect, but it’s great as it is.

Why is “Earthquake” capitalized?

“Two qualities one would not normally associate with a hand puppet” is great, much like the rest of your narration, but ill-timed. This is serious, so I wouldn’t personally bust out the snark.

Damn, you’re actually describing the TF! You’re better than half the TF writers I’ve seen on that merit alone!

“I’d mow his lawn and wash his car for the rest of my life if I had to” is HILARIOUS!

“The McManister's dog two houses down barking his head off at an intruder like he was "Aaaaarrgh!””
Excuse me? Here I was, totally immersed and note even able to commentate, and a sentence just ends out of nowhere. :(
Wait the story’s restarting? Hmm, some sort of uploading error I presume. Did you copy and paste this from Word or Google Docs or something?

Your teetering between humble supplication and raining down slicey death is amusing and relatable. You’re also suspiciously genre-savvy, which is telegraphing that this isn’t going to go as you predict...

I want to share in the horror you’re experiencing as you get teleported, but I can’t help but think of the Abominable Snowman from Monster’s Inc. saying “Welcome to the Himalayas!” Not your fault for writing, by any means, just a personal note.

And with that I finish reading. Holy smokes. I certainly want to know more about this sinister voice at the end, and why Cedric wasn’t smirking. Cuz I also totally imagined him smirking. Amazing! Probably the best TF story I’ve read to date. I loved this, and would be interested to see where it goes. Specifically if you get to confront Cedric later (and/or learn to survive without your TV and grocery stores). I give you two human thumbs up. Well done.
 
I’m in the same boat as you. I’ll give it a read and commentate as I go! Take everything I say with all the salt in the world, I’m not exactly experienced at writing.

To start, I’m loving the narration style. Your sarcasm is great and you’re relatable and sympathetic. But then you hit “ I know that because”, where you broke immersion. Why would you say that unless you’re addressing an audience? Even if the entire thing is, in fact, addressing an audience, it’s easier to feel “there” if you just narrate what occurred instead of explaining. I.E. instead of “I know that [they don’t call] because I’ve spent 6 years in unemployment” (explaining why it happened), “6 years of unemployment taught me that they don’t” (explaining what happened). That’s just what I would do, I’m as new if not newer than you, take that with a grain of salt.

“One more late payment and I was guaranteed to be evicted” is a great opportunity to execute on “show don’t tell”. What if, instead of telling us, you got an eviction deadline notice posted on your front door?

“His amber-colored eyes felt like they could bore a hole into the darkest reaches of your soul and then serve it a platter of freshly baked snickerdoodles” is very fun descriptive whiplash. Don’t use it too often, but when you did, it worked well IMHO.

“goodwill” should be capitalized. Sorry, I’m a stickler for grammar!

From the cat’s perspective, you didn’t simply “distract” the man’s attention. You stole it. So the stronger verb “stealing” might be slightly more appropriate.

You’re really good at description in general. “Waltzed” is a really good way to seal the cat’s attitude in general, and Mr. Whatshisname is also very firmly established in my mind. Can’t decide if he’s sinister or not, but given that it’s a TF story, probably.

When the old man said “evicted”, that literally elicited an “Oh ****” in my mind. You got me to sympathize with you as a character. Good job!

“This only made me angrier” is unnecessary. I was expecting you to get angry and your cursing only confirms my expectations.

“I mean that in an entirely rhetorical way” can be shortened to “metaphorically”, unless it’s in character to say it in that roundabout manner.

“Smoothing out his confused visage”
—HA! Amazing

In the descriptive paragraph right after, I wasn’t a personal fan of you going into soliloquy detail about how depression creeped up. Anger turning to resigned defeat communicates hopelessness good enough, in my book. Then again, I’ve never experienced that myself, so it could just be me.

“Have you tried developing a personality?”
This got a laugh.

You say “brushed by him” and then “brushed him aside” shortly after. I’d replace one of the “brush” verbs.

The paragraph after “if you insist”. What does that have to do with the story as a whole? I could tell you were down on your luck, the only new info I got (character-wise) was that you’re mostly a victim here. I already sympathize with you, you’re already actively seeking a new job, you probably don’t need to make that explicit.

And the next two paragraphs. Very sad, but not relevant to the plot you’ve already set up. You need a solution/money, knowing more backstory doesn’t really help with advancing that.

Random package? TF story? I can see where this is headed~

“Whether for me or the mental health of the old man I knew not” would be correct verb tense. Also “after searching through endless mounds of packing peanuts I found 3 items”.

“Yea, right” you said shortly after. Would you say that out loud, given that you’re alone? Or would you think it?

“Charlie” becoming an outpost of childlike fun in a world going to hell in a hand basket is a great concept. Makes you go “awww” despite the circumstances. Practically adorable. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

‘Replaced and probably burned” is hilarious. I’d put “and probably burned” in parenthesis for extra comedic effect, but it’s great as it is.

Why is “Earthquake” capitalized?

“Two qualities one would not normally associate with a hand puppet” is great, much like the rest of your narration, but ill-timed. This is serious, so I wouldn’t personally bust out the snark.

Damn, you’re actually describing the TF! You’re better than half the TF writers I’ve seen on that merit alone!

“I’d mow his lawn and wash his car for the rest of my life if I had to” is HILARIOUS!

“The McManister's dog two houses down barking his head off at an intruder like he was "Aaaaarrgh!””
Excuse me? Here I was, totally immersed and note even able to commentate, and a sentence just ends out of nowhere. :(
Wait the story’s restarting? Hmm, some sort of uploading error I presume. Did you copy and paste this from Word or Google Docs or something?

Your teetering between humble supplication and raining down slicey death is amusing and relatable. You’re also suspiciously genre-savvy, which is telegraphing that this isn’t going to go as you predict...

I want to share in the horror you’re experiencing as you get teleported, but I can’t help but think of the Abominable Snowman from Monster’s Inc. saying “Welcome to the Himalayas!” Not your fault for writing, by any means, just a personal note.

And with that I finish reading. Holy smokes. I certainly want to know more about this sinister voice at the end, and why Cedric wasn’t smirking. Cuz I also totally imagined him smirking. Amazing! Probably the best TF story I’ve read to date. I loved this, and would be interested to see where it goes. Specifically if you get to confront Cedric later (and/or learn to survive without your TV and grocery stores). I give you two human thumbs up. Well done.
Thank you for the review! For somebody who's "not experienced at writing", you wrote a pretty detailed review of the piece. I'd like to thank you for putting the effort in instead of saying "eh, it's ok" or something like that. I'll take a look at the things you mentioned and see if I can fix them. I'm really glad you liked it!

Also quickie question, how much do you think something like this would be worth from a commission standpoint? I'm thinking about opening them up soon and I could use a second opinion on what my stuff is worth. (Or if it's even worth anything)

Also since you reviewed my story I'd be happy to return the favor on one of your pieces if you'd like!
 
Thank you for the review! For somebody who's "not experienced at writing", you wrote a pretty detailed review of the piece. I'd like to thank you for putting the effort in instead of saying "eh, it's ok" or something like that. I'll take a look at the things you mentioned and see if I can fix them. I'm really glad you liked it!

Also quickie question, how much do you think something like this would be worth from a commission standpoint? I'm thinking about opening them up soon and I could use a second opinion on what my stuff is worth. (Or if it's even worth anything)

Also since you reviewed my story I'd be happy to return the favor on one of your pieces if you'd like!
Hmm. Commission prices are always a tough subject, The mere quality of the work is only one factor: how long it takes and how difficult it is for you to make something is a huge factor. Even if it’s worth, say, X dollars, if it takes you Y dollars of effort to make it (assuming Y>X), you have to charge at least Y, lest you become bitter and resentful. So before you take any advice on pricing from me or anyone else, I’d examine how much you value your time. What’s your time and creative energy worth to you?

That said, I also have little experience commissioning. I’ve only commissioned one writing story. I’m probably not the best judge, but I’d pay a good $25 for something of this caliber and length. Definitely get more input from others though.

Thanks for the reciprocation! I only have one story to my name, and it’s in the proofreading process. It’s about 25,000 words, so looking it over is a bit of a daunting task. If you’d be willing, I DMed you it, but don’t feel any pressure. Also, since mine’s longer, I’d be willing to provide a second round of feedback on another of your stories in exchange. Any preferences on which one?
 
Hmm. Commission prices are always a tough subject, The mere quality of the work is only one factor: how long it takes and how difficult it is for you to make something is a huge factor. Even if it’s worth, say, X dollars, if it takes you Y dollars of effort to make it (assuming Y>X), you have to charge at least Y, lest you become bitter and resentful. So before you take any advice on pricing from me or anyone else, I’d examine how much you value your time. What’s your time and creative energy worth to you?

That said, I also have little experience commissioning. I’ve only commissioned one writing story. I’m probably not the best judge, but I’d pay a good $25 for something of this caliber and length. Definitely get more input from others though.

Thanks for the reciprocation! I only have one story to my name, and it’s in the proofreading process. It’s about 25,000 words, so looking it over is a bit of a daunting task. If you’d be willing, I DMed you it, but don’t feel any pressure. Also, since mine’s longer, I’d be willing to provide a second round of feedback on another of your stories in exchange. Any preferences on which one?
Hmmm Idk, since I'm new I just don't want to overcharge people and have no customers. The problem is I have low self esteem so I have no idea how to value my creative effort. It'll be awhile before I open up commissions anyways, cause I opened up requests to build my base and got a mountain of them to do lol. This one (story and art) is one I made and it can be the next one you read https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38262301/ although I won't force you to read it.
 
Alrighty!

“(which he assumed was mostly legalese I-will-not-sell-the-park's-secrets-to-corporate-rivals mumbo jumbo),”
Alas, your genre betrays you. There was definitely something he should’ve read in there. Not saying you shouldn’t have written that (it’s funny and plot-central), just saying it gives something away.

I didn’t know “sprightly” was a word. Do you know how rare me learning new words is? Kudos to you! Although Google informs me that the word usually is spoken of old people.

“had a visionary idea” just doesn’t sit right with me. Perhaps “had a vision for” or “funded a”? “Visionary” just feels like a noun to me.

It just occurred to me: I tried to visualize the personal tour and realized I don’t know what Luke is wearing. A potential opportunity for free characterization? Looking back, it does seem hard to find a natural spot to insert that description. Maybe when he’s packing four his tour? Take it or leave it.

“and various trinkets that claimed to be African, if you didn't notice the "made in china" stickers taped across the bottom”
I love this cynical/realistic/relateable humor you keep using.

“lion king” should be capitalized. *troll face*

“It was a giant, fake mountain that stood well above the other attractions, even "Falcon Flight" the peregrine falcon themed roller coaster that was nearly 400 feet tall”
This feels the slightest bit awkward to read. Maybe “It was a giant, fake mountain that stood well above the other attractions. Even the 400 foot tall “Falcon Flight” rollercoaster paled in comparison.” Admittedly you lose the “peregrine falcon” portion but it’s just a tad too many modifiers for one object IMHO.

“it was styled to look exactly like pride rock from the lion king, a waterfall cascading down the middle the only difference between it and the Disney version”
Another tad awkward part, I’d change to “it was styled to look exactly like Pride Rock from The Lion King (the only difference being a large cascading waterfall down the middle).” If you could work it without parenthesis, even better.

“the coupe de' gras of the entire park” was an excellent word choice! I only ever considered “coupe de’ gras” to mean the final blow, but it definitely works in a “crown jewel” sense as well.

“recreating the swath of Texas desert into an exact replica of the African Savannah.”
Instead of “recreating”, I’d use “terraforming” or “molding”, to not be pseudo-redundant with “replica”.

“He couldn't see any lions inside, but there were plenty of rocks and trees to hide behind, so they could simply be avoiding their presence”
If “they” refers to the lions, “evading their gaze” or “hiding” would make more sense than “avoiding their presence”. If “they” refers to Luke and Ash, “missing the cats” or “failing to spot them” would make more sense. You wrote yourself into a tricky grammatical corner, wanting to refer to two different parties with “they/their” in the same sentence.

“500000” hurt my eyes trying to figure out how many zeroes there were. Most readers probably don’t care, but I like commas in my thousands lol

“Innovative new ways to ensure species‘ survival”
*suspicious squint*

“Luke had half a mind to ask her what some of those new ways were, but he put that question at the back of his mind”
*suspicious squinting intensifies*

“too excited to realize that Ash hadn't followed him in. He didn't even hear the door shutting as he ventured deeper into the enclosure”
1603049009468.jpeg


“acacia” trees. Didn’t know those were a thing, you keep wowing me with obscure, epic word choices.

5 paragraphs detailing the TF in question is 3 more than the norm. That is a good thing. Kudos! I am taking notes.

“Unfortunately, her primary financial backer, the man who was approaching her now, did not.”
Oh snap! This is an incredibly unexpected turn!

“voracious mood swings”
Pardon? The typical connotations of “voracious” don’t fit here. Perhaps “extreme” or “volatile”?

Daaamn, that took a very sinister turn at the end. I loved it. It gave the all-too-lacking-in-TF-stories reason for the TF in question, AND a bit of healthy mood whiplash. Pobably the best thing in this story. At first I didn’t really care about whether there was a sequel (as Luke’s future is pretty certain, given the implied mind wipe), but now I want to see how Ash’s endeavors turn out, why she has a Swiss bank account, what happens to Gould upon his eventual success (I half expected Ash to push him in as “sample number 7”), and so forth. Nice!
 
I’m in the same boat as you. I’ll give it a read and commentate as I go! Take everything I say with all the salt in the world, I’m not exactly experienced at writing.

To start, I’m loving the narration style. Your sarcasm is great and you’re relatable and sympathetic. But then you hit “ I know that because”, where you broke immersion. Why would you say that unless you’re addressing an audience? Even if the entire thing is, in fact, addressing an audience, it’s easier to feel “there” if you just narrate what occurred instead of explaining. I.E. instead of “I know that [they don’t call] because I’ve spent 6 years in unemployment” (explaining why it happened), “6 years of unemployment taught me that they don’t” (explaining what happened). That’s just what I would do, I’m as new if not newer than you, take that with a grain of salt.

“One more late payment and I was guaranteed to be evicted” is a great opportunity to execute on “show don’t tell”. What if, instead of telling us, you got an eviction deadline notice posted on your front door?

“His amber-colored eyes felt like they could bore a hole into the darkest reaches of your soul and then serve it a platter of freshly baked snickerdoodles” is very fun descriptive whiplash. Don’t use it too often, but when you did, it worked well IMHO.

“goodwill” should be capitalized. Sorry, I’m a stickler for grammar!

From the cat’s perspective, you didn’t simply “distract” the man’s attention. You stole it. So the stronger verb “stealing” might be slightly more appropriate.

You’re really good at description in general. “Waltzed” is a really good way to seal the cat’s attitude in general, and Mr. Whatshisname is also very firmly established in my mind. Can’t decide if he’s sinister or not, but given that it’s a TF story, probably.

When the old man said “evicted”, that literally elicited an “Oh ****” in my mind. You got me to sympathize with you as a character. Good job!

“This only made me angrier” is unnecessary. I was expecting you to get angry and your cursing only confirms my expectations.

“I mean that in an entirely rhetorical way” can be shortened to “metaphorically”, unless it’s in character to say it in that roundabout manner.

“Smoothing out his confused visage”
—HA! Amazing

In the descriptive paragraph right after, I wasn’t a personal fan of you going into soliloquy detail about how depression creeped up. Anger turning to resigned defeat communicates hopelessness good enough, in my book. Then again, I’ve never experienced that myself, so it could just be me.

“Have you tried developing a personality?”
This got a laugh.

You say “brushed by him” and then “brushed him aside” shortly after. I’d replace one of the “brush” verbs.

The paragraph after “if you insist”. What does that have to do with the story as a whole? I could tell you were down on your luck, the only new info I got (character-wise) was that you’re mostly a victim here. I already sympathize with you, you’re already actively seeking a new job, you probably don’t need to make that explicit.

And the next two paragraphs. Very sad, but not relevant to the plot you’ve already set up. You need a solution/money, knowing more backstory doesn’t really help with advancing that.

Random package? TF story? I can see where this is headed~

“Whether for me or the mental health of the old man I knew not” would be correct verb tense. Also “after searching through endless mounds of packing peanuts I found 3 items”.

“Yea, right” you said shortly after. Would you say that out loud, given that you’re alone? Or would you think it?

“Charlie” becoming an outpost of childlike fun in a world going to hell in a hand basket is a great concept. Makes you go “awww” despite the circumstances. Practically adorable. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

‘Replaced and probably burned” is hilarious. I’d put “and probably burned” in parenthesis for extra comedic effect, but it’s great as it is.

Why is “Earthquake” capitalized?

“Two qualities one would not normally associate with a hand puppet” is great, much like the rest of your narration, but ill-timed. This is serious, so I wouldn’t personally bust out the snark.

Damn, you’re actually describing the TF! You’re better than half the TF writers I’ve seen on that merit alone!

“I’d mow his lawn and wash his car for the rest of my life if I had to” is HILARIOUS!

“The McManister's dog two houses down barking his head off at an intruder like he was "Aaaaarrgh!””
Excuse me? Here I was, totally immersed and note even able to commentate, and a sentence just ends out of nowhere. :(
Wait the story’s restarting? Hmm, some sort of uploading error I presume. Did you copy and paste this from Word or Google Docs or something?

Your teetering between humble supplication and raining down slicey death is amusing and relatable. You’re also suspiciously genre-savvy, which is telegraphing that this isn’t going to go as you predict...

I want to share in the horror you’re experiencing as you get teleported, but I can’t help but think of the Abominable Snowman from Monster’s Inc. saying “Welcome to the Himalayas!” Not your fault for writing, by any means, just a personal note.

And with that I finish reading. Holy smokes. I certainly want to know more about this sinister voice at the end, and why Cedric wasn’t smirking. Cuz I also totally imagined him smirking. Amazing! Probably the best TF story I’ve read to date. I loved this, and would be interested to see where it goes. Specifically if you get to confront Cedric later (and/or learn to survive without your TV and grocery stores). I give you two human thumbs up. Well done.

Ok, time to put a formal reply to this

- Hmm good point. I'll try to avoid that in the future!

- Ok, I see your point. a notice (or angry note from his landlord) probably would have illustrated the concept better.

- I'm glad you liked it! I struggle between too much and too little (mostly too much) description as I'm unhealthily obsessed with trying to communicate the exact emotions I want the reader to feel, and I've got a tiny voice in my head screaming "ALL THE GREAT WRITERS USE METAPHORS AND STUFF SO YOU MUST FILL YOUR WORK WITH THOSE TOO! Problem is, I'm a complete amateur at this so sometimes it comes off clunky. Other times it works (like now) But yeah, I'll try to use it sparingly.

- Noted! Good catch!

- Yeah you may be right

- Why thank you!

- Nice! That's the main goal of an author, and I'm glad you feel that way, especially in a short tf story where character development is almost never a priority.

- Ok, I'll note that. I need to learn to let the reader fill in the gaps

- Hmm I wasn't thinking about it too much when I typed that. Probably could change it to metaphorically

- Yeah probably my tendency to add too much unneeded description to the story popping up again.

- Cedric can be quite witty sometimes. Comes with centuries of experience

- I do like to include acres of backstory every time I make a character. I think it's one of my flaws, but I was thinking about how my character needs as much depth as possible and probably crammed in way more info than I should have. Probably could save that for a later chapter.

- ;)

- oof. Nitpicky but necessary changes. Probably glanced over when writing. I'm glad you caught those though!

- Now that's a rhetorical question for the ages

- Yeah, ain't he cute! Also serves as the instrument of transformation so double bonus there. Charlie also teaches him the valuable art of pouncing, (as he cleans up) which he'll need in his new home. He's like your best friend and worst enemy at the same time

- Hmmmmm. *stares intently* Why is Earthquake capitalized. Maybe Charlie knows. (Certainly wasn't an error on my part, that's for sure)

- Yeah, that descriptive obsessive-compulsive nature of mine comes in handy now!

- Oooooooooohhhhhh my gosh I really did this didn't I. The whole story really restarted. I'm so fricken' embarrassed. *facepalms* So what I'm assuming happened was that I was writing this in the caption of the artwork I was submitting, which meant if the computer shut down or the tab closed it would be gone forever. So I had a backup copy on word in case I needed it. I'm assuming, (cause this happened several times) that at some point it all got jumbled and this monstrosity of a mistake happened. But this is inexcusable. I really hope I can edit this out.

- Just imagine Charlie greeting Mike and Sulley


I'm really glad you enjoyed it! As you can assume via word error.exe I put I lot of heart into this. I do plan on continuing the story at some point if I ever finish the mounds of requests and new ideas I get.

Gah that error is bad tho
 
Alrighty!

“(which he assumed was mostly legalese I-will-not-sell-the-park's-secrets-to-corporate-rivals mumbo jumbo),”
Alas, your genre betrays you. There was definitely something he should’ve read in there. Not saying you shouldn’t have written that (it’s funny and plot-central), just saying it gives something away.

I didn’t know “sprightly” was a word. Do you know how rare me learning new words is? Kudos to you! Although Google informs me that the word usually is spoken of old people.

“had a visionary idea” just doesn’t sit right with me. Perhaps “had a vision for” or “funded a”? “Visionary” just feels like a noun to me.

It just occurred to me: I tried to visualize the personal tour and realized I don’t know what Luke is wearing. A potential opportunity for free characterization? Looking back, it does seem hard to find a natural spot to insert that description. Maybe when he’s packing four his tour? Take it or leave it.

“and various trinkets that claimed to be African, if you didn't notice the "made in china" stickers taped across the bottom”
I love this cynical/realistic/relateable humor you keep using.

“lion king” should be capitalized. *troll face*

“It was a giant, fake mountain that stood well above the other attractions, even "Falcon Flight" the peregrine falcon themed roller coaster that was nearly 400 feet tall”
This feels the slightest bit awkward to read. Maybe “It was a giant, fake mountain that stood well above the other attractions. Even the 400 foot tall “Falcon Flight” rollercoaster paled in comparison.” Admittedly you lose the “peregrine falcon” portion but it’s just a tad too many modifiers for one object IMHO.

“it was styled to look exactly like pride rock from the lion king, a waterfall cascading down the middle the only difference between it and the Disney version”
Another tad awkward part, I’d change to “it was styled to look exactly like Pride Rock from The Lion King (the only difference being a large cascading waterfall down the middle).” If you could work it without parenthesis, even better.

“the coupe de' gras of the entire park” was an excellent word choice! I only ever considered “coupe de’ gras” to mean the final blow, but it definitely works in a “crown jewel” sense as well.

“recreating the swath of Texas desert into an exact replica of the African Savannah.”
Instead of “recreating”, I’d use “terraforming” or “molding”, to not be pseudo-redundant with “replica”.

“He couldn't see any lions inside, but there were plenty of rocks and trees to hide behind, so they could simply be avoiding their presence”
If “they” refers to the lions, “evading their gaze” or “hiding” would make more sense than “avoiding their presence”. If “they” refers to Luke and Ash, “missing the cats” or “failing to spot them” would make more sense. You wrote yourself into a tricky grammatical corner, wanting to refer to two different parties with “they/their” in the same sentence.

“500000” hurt my eyes trying to figure out how many zeroes there were. Most readers probably don’t care, but I like commas in my thousands lol

“Innovative new ways to ensure species‘ survival”
*suspicious squint*

“Luke had half a mind to ask her what some of those new ways were, but he put that question at the back of his mind”
*suspicious squinting intensifies*

“too excited to realize that Ash hadn't followed him in. He didn't even hear the door shutting as he ventured deeper into the enclosure”
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“acacia” trees. Didn’t know those were a thing, you keep wowing me with obscure, epic word choices.

5 paragraphs detailing the TF in question is 3 more than the norm. That is a good thing. Kudos! I am taking notes.

“Unfortunately, her primary financial backer, the man who was approaching her now, did not.”
Oh snap! This is an incredibly unexpected turn!

“voracious mood swings”
Pardon? The typical connotations of “voracious” don’t fit here. Perhaps “extreme” or “volatile”?

Daaamn, that took a very sinister turn at the end. I loved it. It gave the all-too-lacking-in-TF-stories reason for the TF in question, AND a bit of healthy mood whiplash. Pobably the best thing in this story. At first I didn’t really care about whether there was a sequel (as Luke’s future is pretty certain, given the implied mind wipe), but now I want to see how Ash’s endeavors turn out, why she has a Swiss bank account, what happens to Gould upon his eventual success (I half expected Ash to push him in as “sample number 7”), and so forth. Nice!
- I try, and-oh. Old people? That's not good. Maybe spry would be a better word?

- Hmmm you're probably right. Will note for future.

- Yeah, it was a request so the character wasn't mine and the requester didn't leave too much detail about what they were wearing. I though it wouldn't be too important given the nature of the story, but apparently I'm wrong.

- Thanks!

- Darn darn darny darn darn stupid grammatical errors!! *rages*

- Yeah you're probably right.

- Ok. I can't change it cause I already posted it, but this advice is useful for my future writing. I'm glad you catch these things!

- Why thank you! Search through my word salad long enough and eventually you'll find a crouton

- And now you're giving me new words. I love your suggestions though!

- Man what are you, an English Professor? You're really good at correcting these sorts of things. (I mean this in an entirely good way)

- Commas are your friend and mine. Noted for the next one.

- *chuckles in obvious plot device* "He's in danger."

- I'd like to think he was too busy taking in the scenery when he walked in and failed to register the door closing, or at least the significance of him being locked in. He was also facing forwards away from the door as he gazed around, and sort of assumed Ash had followed him in. He trusts the park's safety measures, for now at least.

- those are those funky looking trees in African Savannah pics, look 'em up!

- Obsessive-descriptive disorder saves the day once again!

- Yeah, time to introduce the villain and hopefully the villain for more TF stuff in the future. I want to build him up as a central antagonist for more stories and kinda build a timeline with it, ultimately having a final storyline to wrap everything up (with probably a different protagonist tho)

- Yeah, admittedly when I throw random descriptive words into the stew in my effort to sound like William Wordsworth, I sometimes throw in a word even I don't know the meaning of. Like "hmmm I think I saw this in a book once and it kinda means something like this so yeah." Even my vocabulary has its limits. sometimes I need to stop rambling and pull out a thesaurus for Pete's sake.

- So I intended this to be a part of an expanded universe revolving around a group of central antagonists, as you sometimes see more popular people do. This involves a bunch of independent short stories with the same overall trigger (Mr. Gould's research.) It creates a unique brand of tf with marketable characters that (hopefully) will become the focal point of my tf portfolio. I did, however, intend for Luke's ordeal to end there, as it was a one-off request. He'll probably spend his days relaxing in his new home blissfully unaware of the drama around him.

Expect Mr. Gould and Ash to stick around though! I'm really glad you liked it!
 
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