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Long distance realtionships

KippLink

Beginner Artist
Howdy!
As we currently live in a world of uncertainty and constant restrictions on travel, visits, house mixings, going out etc... These are very interesting times we have and i have been thinking about trying some online date adventure. The only problem is that on very often basis you just happen to find that perfect match that is on the other end of the world. And whilst i have nothing against that sort of thing i do wonder how the process of actually connecting with each other work? Let's say someone is from UK and another person is from US would it be simpler for a person from US to move to UK or the other way around?
If anyone has any experience, advice and stories would be very much appreciated as feel i have fallen a bit behind on the whole date thing since my last adventure few years ago :/
 
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Deleted member 134556

Guest
This is something that you'll get various opinions about, and I personally believe it can work out for many people, considering I have my own online relationship. It's hard to explain how I connected with this person, but the more we interacted, the more we found out there was something about us that made us bond with eachother, and I've been with them for almost two years now.
 

ConorHyena

nazi hunter
Usually long-distance relationships work for a time, however there should be a plan to eventually turn it into a normal relationship - else it's gonna fail at some point. Relationships are about more than just saying Hi over the internet or engaging in chat-type interactions.
 

KD142000

Leather-clad Lobo
Because I'm deathly afraid of air travel, the relationship I'm in pretty much requires my other half moves here to the UK. I think it may be easier to gain citizenship in the UK than in the US, but maybe only slightly. I'm no expert on that. Really is a case by case basis.

In my experience, some people are happy to be in a permanent or long-term LDR, but most eventually want that in-person contact, like myself. Varies by lots of factors.

If you're going to get into an LDR, be prepared to ask yourself and your other half questions about what you want the outcome to be and what kind of contact you want, just to name two.
 

Pomorek

Antelope-Addicted Hyena
Oh, it can certainly work, I'm an example! What started as a random exchange of comments on furry art, gradually evolved to turn into a marriage several years later. The distance was about 2000 km.

The funniest thing is that the relationship was evolving completely naturally, by itself. From comments to private messages, then text chat, then video chat, then eventually a meeting IRL... when it turned out we just can't separate, we stretched it as much as possible. And then, further and further. Again, it took several years, but it was most certainly worth it.

But even with the initial comments, it was visible to me that we mesh together very well. It's hard to describe it, but we could see we're of the same kind, if it makes any sense.


@KD142000 I don't know how much of consolation this is, but the fear of flying can be overcome. I did it, and I'm usually not the most courageous of creatures, so to speak... I remember well, on my first time I was really convinced I'm not gonna make it (does this damn plane have to go *this * high? do other damn planes have to cross into our path all the time? does there really have to be so many trees around and *under* the approach zone?!). But after having done that, I actually found the whole thing quite enjoyable! Nowadays I'm always making sure to get a window seat, to be able to gape at everything with mad fascination.
 

Sam Akuchin Wamm

Well-Known Member
the only real thing i know about long distance relationships is that in any kind of relationship the key factor is spending time with another person and time doesn't have to be spent physically with each other as long as you can communicate.

although take this advice with a pinch of salt as i'm a guy who's always had relationships with people in the local area anyway so what do i know.
 
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Deleted member 133545

Guest
I have a series of bad memories from distanced relationships
but trust me, it depends from person to person
real life isn't a bigger window of opportunity
 

KippLink

Beginner Artist
Thanks everyone i really appreciate all of your tips and advice.
I'm kinda curious on this topic as fallen in to few of such cases myself where i had little success locally but just happen to come across that person i'm searching for and he is overseas. I'm pretty determined to give it a go but trying to do a bit more homework for now.
 
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reptile logic

An imposter among aliens.
Speaking for myself, I need to be physically near someone and spend time with them in order to feel connected. An online presence just won't cut it. If we are separated for an extended period, I lose that emotional sense of connection. A long distance relationship will not work for me.
 

quoting_mungo

Well-Known Member
I’m in Sweden, my husband is in Canada, and our boyfriend moved here from New England about two years ago. Our relationship works for us.

Where it’s better/easier to move will often depend on factors unique to the parties in the relationship. What sort of local ties do you each have? What skills do you have? (Certain skill sets may make it easier to get a job in a new country or state or city than others.)
 
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Deleted member 111470

Guest
To me, if I can't be with the person I'm in a relationship with, then it's no relationship at all. Sure, if it's temporary it's okay - maybe a year, maybe two... anything more than that, and it's just a pen pall.
 

Kinare

RAWR
I prefer long distance at first, but I would only consider it if there was a chance of making it real. Lots of hard discussions would have to happen.

I don't make a good first impression when people meet me irl. I shy away from strangers, even those I would really like to talk to. Plus, I'm ugly, so the fact that irl dating tends to be based on sight at first more than anything, I don't have much opportunity for dating even if I wanted it.

Long distance gives me the opportunity to let my real self shine and truly figure out if there's a possible match there. I would require from such a person to know themselves well because we all are different irl than online, so he needs to know himself enough to know his real limitations and such. For instance, it's easier for me to express emotional things via text-based mediums. If a partner expected me to be just as forward with my emotions face to face, he'd need to be able to be very patient with me as I worked them out. Text provides the delay I need to work through things, face to face and voice adds pressure of instant communication and often leaves me sitting silently for extended periods and the other person thinking I'm checked out, but I'm simply just using all of my energy to come up with words.
 

TyraWadman

The Brutally Honest Man-Child
My online experiences are all trash. I never had commitment issues but after all the wasted energy, only to find out they were assholes and liars, has made me go 'meh' to any online romances. Even if that weren't the issue, money and distance is. I've never been able to get my feet on the ground, and with the terrible swelling (NOW IN BOTH LEGS) I doubt I ever will. ;~;

Be weary of inconsistent behaviors and replies. Even after you decide to officially recognize yourselves as a couple there's still a chance they could decide to show their true colors AFTER (I don't know why). They might even be that much of an asshole to pretend to have amnesia just because they met someone they could potentially get with IRL. Ah, the memories... -n-

Also never meet anyone you haven't seen/talked to on cam!
 

TemetNosce88

So long, good luck, goodbye.
I was involved in what started as a long-distance relationship (800 miles apart, in a straight line). Without going into that whole situation and why it failed, just remember that people are usually on their best (including yourself, probably) when you make plans to visit each other. You get an ideal picture of each other- the person that cleans the house up real tidy and wants to go out and do fun things, not the person that sits on the couch for 10 hours eating Cheetos and scratching themselves.

Sometimes that can be deliberate, but I think most of the time it's just natural behavior to want to show the other person a good time when you're together. If and when you decide to live together will be probably one of the most stressful times of your relationship, when you're actually face to face with the real person and all of the habits you never saw on your brief visits. And they have to deal with yours, too. I've known of a number of LDRs that ended shortly after the pair moved in together for exactly those reasons. Just something to keep in mind.
 

kittyfuzz

Active Member
I have had 2 long distance relationships and neither turned out well.
The first one was me being very young and naive. This was back in 2000-2001 when the concept of internet dating was still very new. Looking back on it now, I realize I was taken advantage of by a much older guy who was very good at manipulating young persons who were, in this case, desperately trying to get out of an abusive family situation. I moved in with him after I graduated high school - this was a move from WA state to CA - and got trapped there for 8 years. So the beware statement that @TyraWadman mentioned is very very real.
The 2nd relationship that I got into despite my own misgivings, was much better. It was with a younger guy (even though I kept telling him it would be better to find someone his own age). I really liked him and still miss his companionship, but I ended up breaking it off because there was no way we could meet face to face anytime soon (this was a year+ we talked and due to family circumstances on his part it just wasn't possible). I broke it off because I was asked out by someone IRL... I dunno... I still feel guilty about hurting him like that. He was an amazing guy from what I knew of him.

Anyways, that's my experience. It is all within the US. Probably TMI!
 

that_darn_furry

all that is gold does not glitter
My partner and I are a result of a LDR - I moved here beginning of the year after 2 1/2 years of dating and it’s been smooth sailing since. We initially did meet once before making the jump to see if we’d be as connected in person as we was online, which we were! Before moving in together, we FaceTimed nightly, had date nights where we’d order the same food and watch movies together on the computer, play games with our other online friends and just.. talk, a lot. It was us constantly communicating with each other.
LDR’s are definitely possible but how they turn out will differ from person to person. In my personal experience it’s turned out swell, while it hasn’t for others. Mine was in the US, but I’ve seen others go across the ocean for theirs for visits and/or to move, and it’s difficult and long term, but they deem it worth it in the end.
 

Raever

Chaotic Neutral Wreckage
My longest relationship was for six years, and it was completely LDR for that entire time (several states away, but not countries) - only meeting in person afterwards because that was the time where we were both financially and emotionally stable enough to do so.

The negative side of this is, meeting in person can sometimes be the end of an otherwise successful LDR because sometimes the person you're dating might not always act the same. This is not because they're being fake or putting on a show, but because there's certain things in someone's personality that you'd only see when standing next to them.

To put it simply, I genuinely believe LDR's can be some of the most emotionally supportive relationships to have (I've yet to feel as understood as I had felt in that relationship). This is doubly true if sex isn't a primary goal or need. However, prepare yourself for when you meet in person - because there will be challenges, and if you can't overcome them what would have been a happy relationship can end abruptly and leave you feeling as if you've wasted your time.
 
With any long distance relationship with any intentions of becoming a serious thing the ultimate goal would be to live together at some point down the line. I had one a few years back that lasted for close to three years and to me at least, it worked fairly well while it lasted, but I can see how it would be challenging. If you have some kind of solid medium like social pages or interactive game and communities you can interact and engage with together I believe it makes it heaps easier, but the distance is still going to be distance no matter how you look at it. One thing that bothered me at the time was how the other part just weren't being very reasonable with future thinking or potential plans when they brought them up(I tried to live more in the moment). On one side you had them who at the time still lived at home, no job, uncertain about what they wanted to do(study or work) and in general not pleased with a lot, while on my side I had managed to get a place big enough for two, had a job and income at the time and built up a little bit of a home in a good area. I never tried to push them in my direction, but having them try to reason a move away from what I had, present or short future when they had only uncertainties to offer leaves the wrong kind of marks. However It's not what ultimately ended that relationship as there were other problems.

I think it's important not trying to push too hard if you do have a long distance relationship because even after years, just like with a close one you may find out the person is not for you. But being realistic early on and knowing what is required or what would be the wisest for the two to be able to ultimately end up living together wouldn't hurt. I'd also honestly advise, tying in a bit with what Raever said above. Have fun and be a supportive contact for one another when you start, and if you both see eye to eye and want to meet and be together in person, leave room for that first physical interaction to shed the last light whether or not you work together in person. At least to me it makes sense that the last stepping stone to a serious LDR is that you've at least met once and spent time together. It will probably save you a lot of headaches.

Personally I have equally as much faith in a long distance as a close relationship, but I don't have much faith in people as a whole so that's where my problem comes in lol.
 

lolcox

I'm kind of yell-y. Sorry.
I've been in a LDR for nearly sixteen years.
It's hard, because sometimes you just want to be pet, but your people are thousands of kilometers away.
The current state of Sol 3 makes it impossible for me to just go visit, as well.

It also depends on the countries where people are. It would be easier for the best part of me to move to the USA, because our laws are more relaxed about citizenship and the like, but I wouldn't make them move that far away from their family, who they're very close to.
But, being able to work in their country, in my case, is much harder. I can't go long periods without having some source of employment, and our pandemic has proven this to me in spades. I pretty much took a temporary demotion just to be able to come back to work after six months to save my mental health. I'm also trying to improve my employment chances for the other country by going to university.

So you have a lot of factors to look into, especially with regard to turning that LDR into a "We live together now. " relationship:
  • How will we meet physically?
    • Always spend some physical time together as part of a visit before considering permanent relocation. Maybe they snore raucously. Maybe they have 19 cats.
  • When will we think this relationship's good enough to move to the next level?
    • This is aided by those in person visits. Your personalities may mesh online, but do they mesh physically?
  • If my lover is in another country, how hard would it be for me to move there?
    • Also, the inverse: what difficulties would there be for them to move here?
    • This is something to talk out with your partner when you're both super serious about making this happen.
 

KippLink

Beginner Artist
I really don't want to upset anyone but i think for a proper LDR to work both people must be in full or at least part time employment with a steady source of income and have some experience about expectations, travel, commitments... As reading some messages here it seems like while one person was serious and experienced the other one just wasn't prepared for anything and ends up giving up :/
 

Raever

Chaotic Neutral Wreckage
the other one just wasn't prepared for anything and ends up giving up :/

Unfortunately that tends to be a usual killer of LDR's.
 

MaelstromEyre

Slippery When Wet
The only LDR I personally know of that has worked out was a friend of mine - her from the USA, her now-husband from South Africa. But, they met in person FIRST, then continued the relationship LD, occasionally travelling to meet each other until they eventually married.
In any case, I think it's important as part of the relationship to talk about this kind of thing. If it ever becomes a RL relationship, who is going to be the one to move?
 

InfinityZ

The Nighthowler
I think the main reason why i prefer LDR more than irl relationships is because i never really got interested with being with the local people on here. Even if i do, i know so damn well it won't be long since my goal is to move tf out of where i live to the other country. I see it easier to date with foreigners, even though it still requires a lot of commitments, but still easier than knowing if my local partner would actually wanna move out with me at all.
 

Filter

ɹǝʇlᴉℲ
I was once in a LDR with a woman I met online, but we didn't start dating until after we met in person. I showed her around town, we visited museums, etc. It was fun for a couple weeks, we developed feelings, and then she returned to her home state. Unfortunately, the relationship became strained when she lost her job and asked to fly across the country to move in with me. We had long, excruciating, conversations about this. I take relationships slowly, didn't know her well enough to take the risk, and felt like I was being maniuplated, so I ended the relationship. I'd rather not date somebody who would put me in that position. She made it sound like she'd be on the street if I didn't take her in, but she was living with family and that wasn't going to happen.

Just be careful. Take your time, and don't let yourself be pressured into anything. You're probably better off meeting somebody locally. Maybe through a friend of a friend.

Although I'm not opposed to LDRs, I would proceed with caution.
 
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