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Looking for feedback/critique of my new original series!

Crazyman1

Blue bunny from outer space
So I am new here to the forum but want to hear some feedback/critique on my new original series that I have just started posting here on my main page :D

I have both a PDF and standard text version for mobile.

And now a small promo of what I have:

A door to another world has just appeared before you, a world that is both familiar and strange at the same time.
From above almost seems like Earth but its land masses are different as are its oceans, rivers, islands and you see this is a moon of a gas giant…. Definitely not Earth!
You find yourself draw closer to one of its continents then find yourself in a city with both tall futuristic buildings and smaller buildings, the city itself seems a mix of San Francisco, New York City with a hint of Washington on its upper end.
Soon you find yourself landed on this world and you find yourself surrounded not by humans…. But a race of humanoid rabbits!
Welcome the world of Lapinia, a planet on the other side of our galaxy where evolution took another path and much like humans these humanoid rabbits come in all colors, shapes and sizes.
These Humanoid rabbits are called Lapinans and you can see they are actually a little more advanced than we are in terms of technology as around you there holograms everywhere, hovering cars, you know the stuff they promised you what the future would look like when you were a kid.
This is Horizon City, the capital of the nation you just landed in called New Galsa.
But then you hear something, an explosion?
Wow! You just got here and something is happening, you see some machines that look like crabs come by, and they are blasting away at the surrounding city, it's not long before some Lapinans come by to get the civilians out of here, they are dressed in green uniforms with a sword and shield logo on their chests.
These are the Guardian Knights who help protect this city, but they have nothing that can hurt these machines.
But wait what is this? Two heavily armored Lapinans have come in to take these monsters down, they look like robots but it seems like they are the good guys here as they destroy the attacking machines and take out the Lapinan pilots inside.
You have just met our heroes the Teknabunnies who defend their city from such things and it is my job to tell you about the Teknabunnies and the world that they live in…

So yeah that's my promo, I have the pilot episode loaded and will release a new episode every Sunday for the next four weeks before taking a hiatus for December, so I can write on some more stories and also get into the holiday season a bit, I hoped to have this series done by now but my health was not so good recently, but I am better now.
Still better to do it like this as I don't want to have burnout like my last series and not want to write for it again, yeah i have another series here on FA but don't feel like resuming it as its long dead anyhow.
It was my own Sonic series I lost ambition for but moving forward this is what I will be doing here.

I will link to the PDF version of my fic as the .txt version has formatting issues due to FA not loading quotes correctly from .txt documents, its okay as next time I will just brute force it:


Anyhow, it's made for general audiences so no content warnings or anything.
I am just looking for feedback in general, I got a grammar tool so no worries there but I do want to have some eyes on this story as its kind of my life right now :D
 
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RealTrashPanda

Trash Writer
Hi! I really like the concept for your story and I like the way you have decided to write in the second person as it makes the piece seem a lot more personal. I think the syntax of your sentences could use a little work. Nothing major, just one more edit and I think it would read much better.
'You find yourself draw closer to one of its continents then find yourself in a city with both tall futuristic buildings and smaller buildings, the city itself seems a mix of San Francisco, New York City with a hint of Washington on its upper end.'
Using that quote as an example, I would say it should read more like, 'You find yourself drawn closer to one of its continents. Then, you find yourself in a city with both tall and futuristic buildings, and smaller buildings. The city itself seems like a mix of San Francisco and New York, with a hint of Washington on its upper end.', but that's just a suggestion.
I think you have an interesting premise. I think it maybe just needs one more revision and it would read really nice. Keep up the good work!
 

Crazyman1

Blue bunny from outer space
Well the intention was more atmospheric rather than focusing on grammar, it's a promo not the story.
The main story is far more grammatically accurate
 

Crazyman1

Blue bunny from outer space
Hey peeps I got more parts up if you want to give me some feedback, I am taking a brief hiatus from this for December but will resume in January.



Read at your convenience and tell me what you think!

If you are mobile I have non PDF versions too:

 
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