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Critique: MARINE: The Story of James

Captain TrashPanda

*metal screech intensifies*
hey guys! I'm trying my paw at writing and I'm looking for some feedback for my story.
I just started and I have only one chapter done, but I would like to know how it is so far. The plot is a young raccoon signs up for the marines but is drug into a war in the desert. He is being dropped in for a high value mission with his squad and a sister squad.
As time goes on I will be writing more chapters, but this is what I have for now:
MARINE: The story of James - Google Drive
 

Jetharius

Member
Captain, I went through the four chapters you have so far completed. You are a skilled author, your grammar and pacing are engaging. I can't speak much for your plot. The few critiques I can give you are pretty up-front, I'm a 13yr USAF veteran, I find your take on a marine's life an interesting perspective of what it's like. This includes the Slice of life, language and sequence of operations. I can say with confidence that while you have a grasp on the idea, I would recommend consulting with a Marine to find the clearest picture. On another note, a confusing element for me was using the very real USA but then (re?)creating the country(empire) of Akkadia. This confused me because I understand New Jersey and The United States, and I'm fairly confident in my world geography so the mention of Akkadia gives the impression because of the previous precedents, that it is also a real place.

Two Questions: What timeline are you using here? I feel this is an attempt at fictionally recreating Desert Storm or Desert Front. The uniform and weapon loadout would fit that time-frame.

A few military tips I can provide: The buddy system, in the USAF it's called a wingman. All the services use it, especially in the field. Young marines are generally pretty hardened through years of training, at least all the ones I've interacted with, even on their first deployment. The next few things are just some ranting; his squad needs to fully debrief after the mission, weapons would be kept at the armory if it is a brick and mortar forward operating base, teams are usually four men, squadrons are reserved for airmen (marines use brigade > regiment > battalion > company > platoon > team). www.ibiblio.org: HyperWar: Marine Regiment TO&E (1944) a great reference for this.

Hope this was helpful, if you have any further questions PM me. I can talk military story all day, it would unfortunately only come from the perspective of a veteran aircraft maintainer.
 
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