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Mental Health and Venting

Lucyfur

United forever in friendship and labour
Banned
Hi everyone it's your friendly neighborhood dumby yeen here.
LucyReactionsChibiWinky.jpg

I have decided to vent a little about mental health and all that fun stuff. Or more aptly my own mental health and how I got from point A to point F (for F**ked, a little joke eh?)
So when I was a wee lass some handful of years ago I was what i thought was mentally healthy, but that's what happens when you paint everything in optimism and bottle up and repress abuse and depression and all that good stuff without letting yourself unpack and actually realize it.

That was pitfall one, my hole only got deeper when I was served the ultimatum of live on the streets or join the military after my eyebrows got shaved off at a party, I was actively employed at the time and carried all the manual labor and tasks around the house so I feel I wasn't useless or a burden.

I joined the military and thanks to my dumb assing ass of a brain got into the intel field. Awesome right? I guess it was kind of interesting, but it didn't help me.
It taught me skills that arent applicable outside of a realm that I didnt want to be in. You go into intel thinking oh yeah I am just going to make nifty reports and put some presentations together to inform the commanders and shit. You don't consider in those moments what that intel gets used for, or you just bottle that voice up until it screams at you.
The work I did was a warp on my own ethical and moral compass. The damage I may have caused on other peoples' lives is something that haunts me.

I have since been medically separated because my joints essentially exploded on me and my brain has chronic migraines at a near constant.

And I really don't know where I was planning on going with any of this asside from getting it out here and venting it, but TLDR:
I really screwed myself up mentally farther than I had been by repressing so much of my internal self in so many facets that where I have only caused my depression and anxiety among other things to be much worse than they could have been otherwise.
So please try and take care and like don't do what I did and bottle shit up and try to ignore it.
 

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MsRavage

peek-a-boo!!! I see you!
That’s a tough situation since on one hand it’s like you were doing the best to have a productive life but then it took a darker turn where you’re suffering with it now. I hope you continue to push for more ways to express yourself and not hold your emotions
 

Lucyfur

United forever in friendship and labour
Banned
That’s a tough situation since on one hand it’s like you were doing the best to have a productive life but then it took a darker turn where you’re suffering with it now. I hope you continue to push for more ways to express yourself and not hold your emotions
Oh I have since been in an overall better place though those things still linger and haunt since its just not all that simple I guess.

Like I have since come out about who I am which over the course of more than a year now has aided me greatly in numerous facets of life to include me becoming more expressive emotionally. Like I will cry on a dime like holding my little kitty cream and looking at him and I will just start crying because he is such a sweet pea and it hurts my heart knowing I found him on the street all starved and obviously thrown out of a house.

I have also since come to grips with and been processing and unpacking the traumas and abuse from when I had been growing up and cut off numerous negative people that had once been very influential to me, but not in a good way.
 

Pomorek

Antelope-Addicted Hyena
Your story is really touching. Especially that I can relate a lot. It hasn't been exactly similar in my case when it comes to specific things that happpenned. There were no such dramatic turns of events, it's more like a long gradual erosion. But I can sympathize greatly.

I was "traditionally" very unstable emotionally, prone to bouts of depression and anxiety. Nobody around me really knew what to do (or even cared) so I was mostly left to my own devices. If anything, others were making it worse: being threatened with eviction for something small and harmless? I hear you!

My adolescent age and my 20s, apparently the source of oh-so-many fond memories for lots of other people, were like a bad dream for me to say the least. The most I could do was to half-ass a "normal" functioning. Barely. On a good day.

Also, left without any wise or intelligent guidance, I'm no stranger to investing heavily in some skills, only to find out later that they are ultimately useless in the outside world... like with your intel, I think.

At a considerable effort, therapy, and probably the simple effect of growing more mature, I managed to largely "stabilize" myself. Can still have relapses, but they pass. But it turned out to be a bitter kind of victory: having been removed from the world of "normal people" for so long, I found myself to be in a position of a social reject, and without any good way to get back on track. That is, I'm fairly convinced that in "good conditions", I would have been able to have a good life with some interesting and profitable technical profession. But the window of opportunity for such things is long gone in my case, and I seem to be doomed to shitty junk jobs only, and scraping the bottom of the barrel of life.

Lots of efforts I've thrown at this problem only backfired on me. I think for both of us, at some point our bodies turned out to be smarter than our brains, and ejected us from unbearable work situation which we didn't have courage to leave by a conscious decision. This happened to me for sure, and I interpret your physical health situation this way as well.

And so, not being able to dig myself out of the pit I've fallen into, to get back into the "system" of normal people having normal jobs and normal lives, I'm getting increasingly convinced that there's nothing else left for me, but to try and carve my own way outside of it.


PS. The cats. I've got two, both rescued from the outside. One of them is getting old and I'm afraid she will be leaving us soon. And it rends my heart, even as she'll probably be better off behind the Rainbow Bridge, given how her health is constantly deteriorating... *can't hold off a tear right now*

And the other one, a brash but unusually sociable youngster, will be missing her too.
 

MagnusLucra

Well-Known Member
I know the feeling, of having regret, and its the same reason I don't day trade anymore.
Whenever I would sell stock, It would usually be because I feel like it would be going down.
I would have to convince someone to buy it, and if I sold on time, It felt like a rush, like I had won.
However what I came to realize, is that I just sold to some salaried hedge fund manager, or non-fiduciary advisor who would pass the loss onto their clients.
Those clients were 401k holders, or retirees.
Sure I was winning, but I was winning by robbing people when they were their most vulnerable.
I realized that I was brought down that path by my alcoholic, abusive, and controlling father.
His wealth and power had tricked me into following his same path.
So I left the finance world in search of a more honest trade.
Living with the guilt has sucked.
I would curl up and cry until my eyes ran dry.
Staying wrapped up in my bed for hours, clenching at my chest.
What helped most in those moments was accepting that I can't change the past.
I would breath through my nose, exhale from my mouth, and feel my warm breath on my fingertips.
Reminding myself that I am still alive.
I would inhale again, feel the pain, and realize the pain wasn't from just a hole, but a fire burning in that hole.
Buried under all that sadness, I found anger.
I was pissed that I had wasted all that time, that I was fooled... that I let myself be fooled.
From my past I knew anger with no direction was destructive.
Wildfire can burn down a forest, but coals cook food, and temper steel.
If humans have mastered fire, I can control mine, and use it forge my own path.
Pursue a future of my own design.
Now every time I'm reminded of my past I take a deep breath.
Feel the warmth.
Breath deeply.
Fuel the fire and keep moving forward.

I know things are rough, I'm proud of you for seeking help, I'm proud of you for coming as far as you have, and I'm excited to see where you go from here! :D
 

Lucyfur

United forever in friendship and labour
Banned
I know the feeling, of having regret, and its the same reason I don't day trade anymore.
Whenever I would sell stock, It would usually be because I feel like it would be going down.
I would have to convince someone to buy it, and if I sold on time, It felt like a rush, like I had won.
However what I came to realize, is that I just sold to some salaried hedge fund manager, or non-fiduciary advisor who would pass the loss onto their clients.
Those clients were 401k holders, or retirees.
Sure I was winning, but I was winning by robbing people when they were their most vulnerable.
I realized that I was brought down that path by my alcoholic, abusive, and controlling father.
His wealth and power had tricked me into following his same path.
So I left the finance world in search of a more honest trade.
Living with the guilt has sucked.
I would curl up and cry until my eyes ran dry.
Staying wrapped up in my bed for hours, clenching at my chest.
What helped most in those moments was accepting that I can't change the past.
I would breath through my nose, exhale from my mouth, and feel my warm breath on my fingertips.
Reminding myself that I am still alive.
I would inhale again, feel the pain, and realize the pain wasn't from just a hole, but a fire burning in that hole.
Buried under all that sadness, I found anger.
I was pissed that I had wasted all that time, that I was fooled... that I let myself be fooled.
From my past I knew anger with no direction was destructive.
Wildfire can burn down a forest, but coals cook food, and temper steel.
If humans have mastered fire, I can control mine, and use it forge my own path.
Pursue a future of my own design.
Now every time I'm reminded of my past I take a deep breath.
Feel the warmth.
Breath deeply.
Fuel the fire and keep moving forward.

I know things are rough, I'm proud of you for seeking help, I'm proud of you for coming as far as you have, and I'm excited to see where you go from here! :D

Yeah as I said I am not proud of my past, but I think my mental uhh quirks? of ADHD and autism is what helped me be one of the most trusted and one of the best best analyst/reporters at my command which surprise surprise does not help in hind sight because I am able to put pieces together and surmise what some of my products may have yielded.

The best analogy I had found for myself being that I bottled so much up over the years starting at a young tender age when I realized I couldn't tell my 'parents' that I was/am trans is that I had hopped onto a rollercoaster that continually got faster and had tracks added to it for more turns loops swoops and such until one day towards the end of my time in the military it crashed.
I was sleepless getting only 2 hours a night if I could sleep at all, my head always throbbing, my joints eventually giving out on me from having never gotten them checked out because I had kept moving.
I knew that I had a choice at this point, come out be me stop bottling anything up (for the most part, there are still things I keep inside because I am dumb) get off the rollercoaster for good, or hop back on strap myself in and be dead within the next year or two.

But yeah I just kept myself turning and burning I know I had stunted my personal growth because I never let myself actually be myself, feel myself I just kept moving from one project to the next and at the end when I stopped and looked at the picture I had made I really felt the weight of my deeds.

I am glad that you have been able to overcome your own past and find yourself a mantra so to speak to motivate and push yourself.

Your story is really touching. Especially that I can relate a lot. It hasn't been exactly similar in my case when it comes to specific things that happpenned. There were no such dramatic turns of events, it's more like a long gradual erosion. But I can sympathize greatly.

I was "traditionally" very unstable emotionally, prone to bouts of depression and anxiety. Nobody around me really knew what to do (or even cared) so I was mostly left to my own devices. If anything, others were making it worse: being threatened with eviction for something small and harmless? I hear you!

My adolescent age and my 20s, apparently the source of oh-so-many fond memories for lots of other people, were like a bad dream for me to say the least. The most I could do was to half-ass a "normal" functioning. Barely. On a good day.

Also, left without any wise or intelligent guidance, I'm no stranger to investing heavily in some skills, only to find out later that they are ultimately useless in the outside world... like with your intel, I think.

At a considerable effort, therapy, and probably the simple effect of growing more mature, I managed to largely "stabilize" myself. Can still have relapses, but they pass. But it turned out to be a bitter kind of victory: having been removed from the world of "normal people" for so long, I found myself to be in a position of a social reject, and without any good way to get back on track. That is, I'm fairly convinced that in "good conditions", I would have been able to have a good life with some interesting and profitable technical profession. But the window of opportunity for such things is long gone in my case, and I seem to be doomed to shitty junk jobs only, and scraping the bottom of the barrel of life.

Lots of efforts I've thrown at this problem only backfired on me. I think for both of us, at some point our bodies turned out to be smarter than our brains, and ejected us from unbearable work situation which we didn't have courage to leave by a conscious decision. This happened to me for sure, and I interpret your physical health situation this way as well.

And so, not being able to dig myself out of the pit I've fallen into, to get back into the "system" of normal people having normal jobs and normal lives, I'm getting increasingly convinced that there's nothing else left for me, but to try and carve my own way outside of it.


PS. The cats. I've got two, both rescued from the outside. One of them is getting old and I'm afraid she will be leaving us soon. And it rends my heart, even as she'll probably be better off behind the Rainbow Bridge, given how her health is constantly deteriorating... *can't hold off a tear right now*

And the other one, a brash but unusually sociable youngster, will be missing her too.

Yeah seems my body, or the culmination of not taking time to care for myself physically or mentally kind of did me in so as you said my body kind of ejected me from that situation.

and not having a hand there a genuine had that supports and guides you and doesnt try to control you in life is hard. There is a lot of stumbling and issues that come up that you had not even predicted could be an issue. Or just that reassurance that hey yeah youre doing good keep it up even though it may not seem right or make sense right now thats exactly how this works.

I love the fur babies they really saved my life. Like Cream (Cat) is my newer addition whom their apparent history is so resonant with my own, and then there is Arthur (Dog) who is so empathetic and knows when I am down will try and be all up in my business to distract me, and when I am okay will still always be within proximity of touch to me.
I am sorry that one of your babies is getting up there, it is always such a hard thing losing someone so dear and precious but if anything what we can always do is take heart in having done what we could to give them even half as much happiness in their lives as they give us.
 

CedarCollie

Well-Known Member
Mental health is a serious thing, I have religious OCD and at one point, I couldn't even eat!
 

Sairn

Sairn the Majestic
Wish I could say I have followed your words of wisdom at the end. Certainly something I wish I had done earlier in life.

Thank you for your sharing, makes me feel a bit better. I've never been great at sharing but I'll give it a go.

Grew up in a household filled with conflict, trust issues and manipulation. Self doubt and (perceived) unwanted final child by one parent.

Dad was deployed during my formative years and felt alone. Friends not liked by my mom so she restricted who I could see.

Early highschool dad is back, but a grandparent and mother die in the span of two years. One sister shows similar behavior to my mom (manipulation mostly), and brother is a bad egg(multiple felony charges). Other sister isn't really motivated to do anything. So I'm held as a "golden child" if you will. I grew up learning just to be by myself because I didn't feel like there was time for questions I had so I sought the answers on my own.

Lots of other things, but long story short, depression and anxiety are still things that lurk and certainly coming back full force in this time of the pandemic.
 

Borophagus Metropolis

The last prehistoric floofy woof of FAF
@LucyTheDumbYeen , you and I have a lot in common. I joined military as the quickest way to escape a shit home. Ended up in a job that I actually loved, but with no reasonable civilian application. Some bad shit happened to me because of my undiagnosed aspergers/OCD/tourettes/whatiswrongwithme, combined with my deteriorating legs. Then my legs finally decided I couldn't run anymore, and they wouldn't let me reenlist. I've been pretty lost ever since. My body just gets worse. I've had so many random jobs that most people don't believe me. My dogs keep me going, and I have a couple of good friends that look out for me. Life isn't easy, but it's worth it. I think.
 

MagnusLucra

Well-Known Member
The best analogy I had found for myself being that I bottled so much up over the years starting at a young tender age when I realized I couldn't tell my 'parents' that I was/am trans is that I had hopped onto a rollercoaster that continually got faster and had tracks added to it for more turns loops swoops and such until one day towards the end of my time in the military it crashed.
I was sleepless getting only 2 hours a night if I could sleep at all, my head always throbbing, my joints eventually giving out on me from having never gotten them checked out because I had kept moving.
I knew that I had a choice at this point, come out be me stop bottling anything up (for the most part, there are still things I keep inside because I am dumb) get off the rollercoaster for good, or hop back on strap myself in and be dead within the next year or two.

But yeah I just kept myself turning and burning I know I had stunted my personal growth because I never let myself actually be myself, feel myself I just kept moving from one project to the next and at the end when I stopped and looked at the picture I had made I really felt the weight of my deeds.

The worst part about getting taken for a ride is not even knowing you're on one.
Sounds like you're done with rides, and you're taking some time to slow down and figure things out.
Really feel what it's like to be you! :D
That and spend time with your fur baby, pets are the best! :eek:
Mine is an edgy little queen of darkness who glares at you from across the room.
But we exchange nods from time to time, and she's adorable when she hunts the mice around the house.
 

MagnusLucra

Well-Known Member
But it also sounds like being in the military is just plain rough.
All my friends sans one has been wrecked by military life.
I wish more of my tax dollars went to cleaning up government's messes rather than making more. >.>
Just if you decide to go back to school, don't go to a fancy one. A degree is a degree.
Take advantage of in-state tuition at a state university could mean 2 years of loans vs 15.
 
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