My bf keeps getting nsfw art with others. Kinda vent

[AtlasWoooo]

Kind of a vent.
As the title says, my boyfriend keeps getting nsfw art with others and I personally am not comfortable with it. I already told him once that Im not a huge fan of it when he gets nsfw art with others. He says that he has no feelings and is not bonded to his oc and he doesnt care about what is on the image. But I am bonded to my oc and we do have a lot of art together.
I dont count it as cheating but it does make me feel extremely uncomfortable.
I might be jealous here but when I see the nsfw art he has with others it makes me feel sick.
I want to talk to him again about it, and tell him that is makes me really uncomfortable when I see that stuff.
What do you guys think about nsfw art with others in a relationship?
Have you had similar problems?

 

[Fallowfox]

I think, given that he knows that you do not feel comfortable with it, that he should respect that because your relationship is more important than his nsfw commissions.

 

[quoting_mungo]

Suggest you make another character together that he can get NSFW commissions with, if you feel that the character he's using now represents "him" too much for your comfort? Obviously he should respect that it makes you uncomfortable, but I don't think it's entirely reasonable that he shouldn't be allowed to buy NSFW art at all if that's what he wants to spend his money on, especially if you don't share finances. If you two can find a way for him to get his art and for you to not have to feel yucky about it, everybody wins, yanno?

I personally don't mind in my relationship, and never have in any of the ones I've been in, but that doesn't mean I or anyone else has a right to discount your feelings. It makes you uncomfortable. That's what you feel, and your feelings are valid. Full stop. Don't wrap it up too much, either; if you say "I'm not a big fan" that doesn't necessarily mean the same thing to your boyfriend as "this makes me actively uncomfortable" or "it makes me feel sick." Obviously coming into the conversation aggressively with guns blazing isn't the way, but make sure that you don't cushion things to the point that it obscures your message.

 

[TyraWadman]

Sounds a little insensitive to say they're not attached to it, and yet they keep paying for it... with OTHER PEOPLE.

I'm personally of the belief that if I'm with someone, we're #1 priority for each other. Not obsessively, but like... if either of us were to go and do NSFW RP with other people online, then what's the point? Reality > Fiction in my opinion. And I'm not comfortable with the thought of my S.O elaborately sexting another.

Just remember to love and respect yourself. If you can reach a compromise of some kind, great! But if this is something that eats away at you/develops into something worse, remember NSFW art isn't worth sacrificing your own happiness for. Kick their butt to the curb and find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

[Khafra]

For me personally, that would be a complete deal breaker.
Be stern about it, if it's a boundary you don't want crossed and he can't respect that, that's not a healthy relationship.

 

[LameFox]

Would not matter to me. I don't even make characters that represent me. I guess the response depends on what part of it bothers you—his character, or the others? Would it make a difference if he had a new character, or the others were just random ones that don't belong to anyone? If it's impersonal to him those could offer some easy solutions.

Beyond that, it might help to reflect on what this stems from. If it's a personal insecurity you'd like to address, or something you don't think you'll ever be comfortable with. Whether you are projecting your feelings about your character onto him, or maybe based on his actions you don't believe him when he says it doesn't represent him from his point of view.

I do agree though that, if you decide you need him to stop, you should say it plainly. Some people (like me) are pretty direct and if you say something like 'I'm not a huge fan of this' it will absolutely not read as 'I am seriously uncomfortable with this'. That's like the language I'd use to say 'yeah I don't really like your taste in music', not for something important.

 

[Hoodwinks]

I think it comes down to respecting boundaries. If it makes you uncomfortable and you've voiced that to him, then it's not okay.

You don't have to agree with everything your partner thinks, but you can't argue how something makes you feel. If it upsets you, then it should matter to him.

 

[Punji]

I think you should talk to him about it specifically. He needs to understand the importance of it and how much it actually matters to you.

 

[NumbersNumbersNumbers]

I am not going to be like those people on r/relationships and just scream LEAVE HIM but I will give you the following advice (for context I dated a furry porn addict and the NSFW stuff was a big point of contention and insecurity for me since most of the stuff he expected was physically impossible for me to live up to. This then led him to becoming a transchaser and fetishist of many fucked up things and dumping me because he found another person that better 'fit his fantasy'):

When it comes to relationships its all about compromise and boundaries. From what it sounds like you have a boundary where you are not comfortable with him requesting and receiving NSFW art of his character with other people's characters. That's a reasonable boundary to have. You are not asking much. Because with fursonas that character is often an extension of yourself (like how you feel with your character) and seeing his character with other people's characters feels like a betrayal. Given the fact you have already talked to him about this at least once he should be aware that this boundary exists and should be aware of how things might negatively affect you and your view of the relationship.

If he is unwilling to listen to your concerns and change his behavior then I think you might want to consider other people. I know being single can be hard (especially when dating can be difficult already depending on your situation) but its not worth being with a man who is dismissive of you and constantly putting his attention towards other people/things (specifically in this instance, porn). You are worth more than that and you do not need to deal with that. Because if he will not honor boundaries now he will not honor them 1 week from now, 1 month from now, even a year from now. The same issue is just going to continue to happen over and over and over and regardless of what he says, things will not change.

I knew I should have run when my ex told me he had 30+ tabs of porn open on his PC. At that point he made his intentions clear that I was just a physical body to fill a hole in his life, and my presence was expendable. With that said, take this as an opportunity to really think about your relationship and ask yourself what are you willing to put up with. Is this really what you want to deal with? If he is not willing to change his behavior for your sake is he even worth your time? Is what is happening right now sustainable? Ask yourself these things. And if you end up answering "no" or "its not worth it" to those questions then I think it might be time to move on.

Since this situation sounds oddly familiar feel free to DM me if you need additional advice or just want to vent some more in a less public setting. Best of luck to you.



QUICK EDIT: My entire answer is contingent on if this is an ongoing problem. If OP's BF is willing to change his behavior, listen to OP, or at least entertain actual discussions about OP's concerns I do not recommend dumping the dude outright. Communication is important too and this is one of those times where its required for the relationship to continue. However, I stand firmly behind what I said above if OP's BF does not wish to change his behavior and or does not take OP's feelings into account. Porn, art, and general NSFW material should not be more important than the feelings and respect of your partner. You can buy art whenever you want. You cant just buy back a relationship or replace it with a new one.

 

[Yakamaru]

Are they YCH's? There is at least some room to argue that it's more for getting cheap art, but there are hundreds of SFW artists out there too in that regard. Artists that you can commission with you AND your boyfriend.

Have you talked with him properly about it? I wouldn't exactly call it a deal-breaker myself but I'd be rather.. Uncomfortable too in this kind of situation(considering I don't care for nor particularly like NSFW art of my own characters).

 

[Yakamaru]

Suggest you make another character together that he can get NSFW commissions with, if you feel that the character he's using now represents "him" too much for your comfort? Obviously he should respect that it makes you uncomfortable, but I don't think it's entirely reasonable that he shouldn't be allowed to buy NSFW art at all if that's what he wants to spend his money on, especially if you don't share finances. If you two can find a way for him to get his art and for you to not have to feel yucky about it, everybody wins, yanno?

I personally don't mind in my relationship, and never have in any of the ones I've been in, but that doesn't mean I or anyone else has a right to discount your feelings. It makes you uncomfortable. That's what you feel, and your feelings are valid. Full stop. Don't wrap it up too much, either; if you say "I'm not a big fan" that doesn't necessarily mean the same thing to your boyfriend as "this makes me actively uncomfortable" or "it makes me feel sick." Obviously coming into the conversation aggressively with guns blazing isn't the way, but make sure that you don't cushion things to the point that it obscures your message.

One of the reasons OP made this thread is because they have a bond with their OC, and simply making a new one where there is no emotional connection with this new character in this particular case is not really going to solve the issue. People are more than mere characters on a screen. They have thoughts, emotions and experiences(and more for that matter) that should be accounted for properly. This kind of art should be something one gets with their partner, but only if they are both comfortable with it.

What is the point of getting art with a character you have no bond with?

 

[quoting_mungo]

One of the reasons OP made this thread is because they have a bond with their OC, and simply making a new one where there is no emotional connection with this new character in this particular case is not really going to solve the issue.

It’s unclear whether OP is uncomfortable because they feel the character their boyfriend uses represents him, or whether the problem is boyfriend getting NSFW art with characters other than OP’s in it. If the problem is that the character represents their boyfriend, creating a character that explicitly not a representation of him for him to use is a possible solution where they can both get what they want. If the problem is that their boyfriend buys NSFW art with other people’s self-representative characters, creating some characters together that he can pair his character up with instead could be a possible solution.

The point is that offering to help jointly create a character can be a way to show a willingness to work with him, rather than just demand he stop treating himself to artwork he enjoys getting. It’s a suggestion contingent on OP’s discomfort not being the NSFW content in itself, sure. But the impression I got was that the character as a representation of the person was a bigger sticking point.

This kind of art should be something one gets with their partner, but only if they are both comfortable with it.

What is the point of getting art with a character you have no bond with?

You can have a character that you enjoy but don’t have a bond with in the “fursona” sense - not all characters need to be self-representative. I’ve bought art, including NSFW art, for several characters that are “just characters” to me - they were created to be used in art, and that’s it. It’s cool art and I like seeing other artists’ interpretations of my characters.

I’m not comfortable saying NSFW art of one’s character(s) should inherently be restricted to one’s partner. It’s something you (gen) might do well to talk about in your relationship, but ultimately the responsibility of bringing up the subject has to fall on the person who wants a change.

Like… I’ve drawn NSFW commissions featuring a couple of my self-representative characters in the past, while I was dating my ex. That was a closed monogamous relationship, and he didn’t have a problem with it far as I’m aware, so I wouldn’t say your position is universal, nor that it’s necessarily tied to whether someone is polyamorous etc.

 

[NumbersNumbersNumbers]

It’s unclear whether OP is uncomfortable because they feel the character their boyfriend uses represents him, or whether the problem is boyfriend getting NSFW art with characters other than OP’s in it. If the problem is that the character represents their boyfriend, creating a character that explicitly not a representation of him for him to use is a possible solution where they can both get what they want. If the problem is that their boyfriend buys NSFW art with other people’s self-representative characters, creating some characters together that he can pair his character up with instead could be a possible solution.

The point is that offering to help jointly create a character can be a way to show a willingness to work with him, rather than just demand he stop treating himself to artwork he enjoys getting. It’s a suggestion contingent on OP’s discomfort not being the NSFW content in itself, sure. But the impression I got was that the character as a representation of the person was a bigger sticking point.


You can have a character that you enjoy but don’t have a bond with in the “fursona” sense - not all characters need to be self-representative. I’ve bought art, including NSFW art, for several characters that are “just characters” to me - they were created to be used in art, and that’s it. It’s cool art and I like seeing other artists’ interpretations of my characters.

I’m not comfortable saying NSFW art of one’s character(s) should inherently be restricted to one’s partner. It’s something you (gen) might do well to talk about in your relationship, but ultimately the responsibility of bringing up the subject has to fall on the person who wants a change.

Like… I’ve drawn NSFW commissions featuring a couple of my self-representative characters in the past, while I was dating my ex. That was a closed monogamous relationship, and he didn’t have a problem with it far as I’m aware, so I wouldn’t say your position is universal, nor that it’s necessarily tied to whether someone is polyamorous etc.

As a general reply (coming from somebody who was in a similar place 4 years ago) it does not matter if the OP and their BF are poly or not, it does not matter the exact attachment they (the BF) has to the character, or even what the nature of the NSFW art is. OP is uncomfortable with what he is doing and has brought it up before and he was dismissive. If this pattern continues this indicates an issue with respecting boundaries and listening to what your partner wants. Liking and buying NSFW art is not a bad thing. Being poly is not a bad thing (even though that was never brought up in the OG post or in my post either). If 1 person in the relationship is uncomfortable with something the other person is doing and wants some form of change to happen they should be able to be listened to and taken seriously. And if this person is unwilling or unable to make those changes OP should not have to compromise their own comfort and self-worth for his convenience.

I simply come from a place as somebody who has felt similarly and has been in a similar situation. Not everything is going to resonate with everybody and not everybody will feel the same and that's ok. Boundaries around NSFW art and stuff like that should be set between partners and be honored. If one side is unwilling to honor that, the other should not have to bend (even if they make excuses that its not a big deal)

 

[MaetheDragon]

As someone who’s dealt with my past partners having been so stubborn that he refuses to change, as well as being told to change important and key parts of myself (he didn’t want me to improve behavior wise, he persistently wanted me to be more feminine, dress in clothes I’d rather be caught dead wearing, etc.), there has to be a fine balance of compromise, in my opinion. If your boyfriend is being so stubborn that he refuses to make any kind of behavioral change, let alone compromise, then I’ll echo the same opinion as many other users in this thread. You should strongly consider branching out to find a new partner.

But I would strongly consider what your boyfriend thinks and feels, as well. Getting NSFW art, or any artwork for that matter, is a luxury. So your boyfriend really shouldn’t put his NSFW habits before you. However, if this is something that really makes your boyfriend happy, then I’d consider giving him suggestions that make you more comfortable while keeping him satisfied. After all, the point of bringing up concerns is to talk through your feelings and come to an agreement- not to start fights, if you can help it.

That’s my opinion on the matter, though I do realize I might be regurgitating points other users have already made, lol.

 

[quoting_mungo]

If 1 person in the relationship is uncomfortable with something the other person is doing and wants some form of change to happen they should be able to be listened to and taken seriously. And if this person is unwilling or unable to make those changes OP should not have to compromise their own comfort and self-worth for his convenience.

In the general, I mostly agree with you. At the same time, not every (or, honestly, even most) situation will be as straightforward as “A doesn’t like what B is doing, so when A brings it up B has an obligation to stop.” I have offered suggestions for what could be mutually agreeable solutions depending on what exactly the nature/source of OP’s discomfort is. The point would be to potentially find a solution that doesn’t entail one party makes a significant sacrifice to appease the other. Sometimes a sacrifice, maybe even a sizable one, is necessary, but if there’s another solution that feels okay with everyone involved that can prevent resentment down the road.

(Me mentioning polyamory and open vs closed relationships was mostly preempting suggestions that my position/experience is intrinsically tied to me being poly in an open polycule, not anything to do with you or OP. I just know where things tend to go when I have opinions on relationship stuff.)

I simply come from a place as somebody who has felt similarly and has been in a similar situation. Not everything is going to resonate with everybody and not everybody will feel the same and that's ok. Boundaries around NSFW art and stuff like that should be set between partners and be honored. If one side is unwilling to honor that, the other should not have to bend (even if they make excuses that its not a big deal)

Absolutely if an agreement has been made it has to be honored by all parties. Agreeing to a boundary and then disregarding it is an arse thing to do and a red flag. Until that discussion has been had, in clear terms, however, the agreement doesn’t exist. That’s why I also said, earlier in the thread, that it’s important to be very clear and direct about what one perceives as a problem and how one feels about it.

I’ve fucked up without realizing it plenty of times because of how I understood a request to change my behavior didn’t match how my partner meant it. I’ve gone too far without knowing because a partner understated their boundary. It happens, and it’s okay that it does sometimes, because communication is by its nature messy like that. I’m not saying you’re wrong about your past relationship, at all, but I also don’t feel it’s right to assume OP’s boyfriend necessarily is knowingly causing OP grief.

It may well be that they’re just incompatible, because they have mutually exclusive wants or needs. It’s sad if that’s the case, but it doesn’t automatically make anyone the bad guy. (Also, obviously, doesn’t automatically mean nobody can be in the wrong.)

 

[Ziggy Schlacht]

So, as others have said - you need to talk to him. However, something I haven't seen is confirmation the BF was actually asked to stop. It's implied, but implication is bad in a relationship - you do need to be explicit as no one can read minds. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, since he doesn't put the same weight/emotional stock into the characters you do, he may not get that you're legitimately upset over it. He could very well see it as you just think it's weird or a bit off putting, but nothing more.

If you ask him to stop, and he says no, or refuses - that's a totally different conversation.

 

[Zenoth]

I would recommend, as others have, talking to him rather than asking strangers online. Sure imput can be nice, but at the end of the day it's up to you to have an adult conversation with your bf and let them know how this makes you feel and ways you can overcome it together.

 

[Parabellum3]

I see no problem with it at all. Fantasy is fantasy, period.

 

[AtlasWoooo]

Are they YCH's? There is at least some room to argue that it's more for getting cheap art, but there are hundreds of SFW artists out there too in that regard. Artists that you can commission with you AND your boyfriend.

Have you talked with him properly about it? I wouldn't exactly call it a deal-breaker myself but I'd be rather.. Uncomfortable too in this kind of situation(considering I don't care for nor particularly like NSFW art of my own characters).

No. Some are YHCs but he also gets non ychs. Recently he commissioned a pretty expensive nsfw artist with someone else and that makes me worry a lot.

 

[ConorHyena]

If this pattern continues this indicates an issue with respecting boundaries and listening to what your partner wants. Liking and buying NSFW art is not a bad thing. Being poly is not a bad thing (even though that was never brought up in the OG post or in my post either). If 1 person in the relationship is uncomfortable with something the other person is doing and wants some form of change to happen they should be able to be listened to and taken seriously. And if this person is unwilling or unable to make those changes OP should not have to compromise their own comfort and self-worth for his convenience.

This is propably again regurgitating what people have said before, but this swings both ways. Telling someone what sort of art they should get with their own money is obviously going to end up being a point of contention for the other side.

Ultimatly this is going to be resolved only by OP talking to his partner, calmly, without accusing him, and working through a compromise that is okay for both sides, which, according to the logic of the compromise, means it'll be less than ideal for both.

If it's an issue that can't be compromised on, then one has to move on to greener pastures.

 

[quoting_mungo]

No. Some are YHCs but he also gets non ychs. Recently he commissioned a pretty expensive nsfw artist with someone else and that makes me worry a lot.

When you say “with someone else,” do you mean that they went halfsies on the cost of the piece, or did he pay the whole thing himself and just include a friend’s character? If they shared the cost (and that’s how he typically does it), it could be as simple as “he wants to get art from these artists, and this is a way to make it easier on his pocketbook.” Doesn’t invalidate your feelings, but does offer an explanation that isn’t otherwise automatically a threat to your relationship. Which, I dunno, might be some degree of comfort/reassurance for you?

 

[Khafra]

When you say “with someone else,” do you mean that they went halfsies on the cost of the piece, or did he pay the whole thing himself and just include a friend’s character? If they shared the cost (and that’s how he typically does it), it could be as simple as “he wants to get art from these artists, and this is a way to make it easier on his pocketbook.” Doesn’t invalidate your feelings, but does offer an explanation that isn’t otherwise automatically a threat to your relationship. Which, I dunno, might be some degree of comfort/reassurance for you?

I feel like you're skipping over the actual issue here, which is that OP's partner puts lots of effort and money into expressing and satisfying himself sexually, with people that aren't his partner. If you have a loving partner, why are you seeking thrills elsewhere?

 

[Jackpot Raccuki]

I feel like you're skipping over the actual issue here, which is that OP's partner puts lots of effort and money into expressing and satisfying himself sexually, with people that aren't his partner. If you have a loving partner, why are you seeking thrills elsewhere?

I may be late to the discussion, but this is true.

If you have a partner, why wouldn't you get it with them?
Personally I've wanted to get NSFW art with my ex, but well he wasn't really into it. But I made the effort to ask, even more so to ask if he was fine on the matter, y'know to understand and respect boundaries.


I don't want to encourage anything potentially toxic or well, get OP to fight with their lover, but this would be something to concern me.

 

[Karviniya]

I think that's very important talking together. Yes, it's clear to everyone of course, but! Also of course before people make serious relationship they talking about themes that are allowed or not, actions that are allowed in a relationship or not - but people can't discuss about everything and sooner or later there will be a dispute about something. It's normal. And normal talking about it.
But maybe i say not so popular thing - but are you really want other opinion? You have your opinion, your boyfriend another. Opinions of other peoples doesn't matter for really. It can make situation worse than it is in reality.
And yes, the most important thing is to come to a compromise. if it doesn't exist, there is no relationship. categorically but true. otherwise, similar situations will also appear in the future and everything needs to be decided as adults - by talking and searching for a compromise.

Also Not only should he understand your position, but vice versa. Why does he do this? maybe there are simple reasons why he does this and it is not something wrong on his part? Both people should ask such questions. not unilaterally

sorry for my english, it's not my native language

 

[quoting_mungo]

I feel like you're skipping over the actual issue here, which is that OP's partner puts lots of effort and money into expressing and satisfying himself sexually, with people that aren't his partner. If you have a loving partner, why are you seeking thrills elsewhere?

Thousand reasons, honestly. I'm not about to assume commissioning art is done purely or primarily for sexual gratification, for one. OP hasn't mentioned whether they would even want the NSFW art (however much that is) to be of their character and their boyfriend's, instead - if not, then their boyfriend doesn't have a lot of options. There is also, to be crass, a factor of... if you get art while in a relationship, and place a lot of emotional value in that art, there's always the risk that the entire collection will, for lack of a better word, sour. I've seen people going to artists to request (or demand) that art that they commissioned while in a relationship be removed from the artist's gallery after the relationship ended, many times.

Unless you share finances, what your partner chooses to spend their money on is, frankly, not something you have a right to demand control over. You can protest if it's something harmful, sure. You can express preferences, including saying "hey, would you get art with me instead of these other people?" But it's not your money, it's theirs.

I get the impression that OP hasn't really asked their boyfriend about what the situation looks like from his end. I'm not saying OP needs to sit down and accept the situation as it is, but jealousy isn't healthy, and knowing why may (or may not) help with that. The issue is not that OP's boyfriend does this or that, it's that OP and their boyfriend have different expectations/boundaries, and that's causing OP pain. Hence, talk about it. Hence, don't automatically treat the situation as though the boyfriend is knowingly hurting OP. Like, if he is, kick his ass to the curb, absolutely. But if he doesn't realize how big a deal it is to OP, he probably won't unless/until OP tells him. And that's not his fault, that's just how communication in a relationship works.