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Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
NOTE: You don't have to like My Little Pony to help me out... my goal is to tell a good story, and it can be great to have an outside perspective!

I'm working on a pilot episode script for my own personal MLP reboot, because ya know what? I really enjoy colourful horse creatures going on magic adventures where they kick ass and learn empathy and kindness. That is my JAM.

Anyways, I'm stuck on some parts of the outline/story, and I'm struggling to finish it!

Right now, I have a main character named Hopper who has to get rid of his Tantabus (a nightmare creature and spirit of self-harm that arose from Hopper's magic spells.) The pilot episode is about his journey through his fears, and the rewards that lay on the other side (friendship, acceptance, trust, support, etc.)

There are some key things I want to establish about the world Hopper inhabits as well, and how it differs from the original series.

Anyone have any suggestions? I have a Discord and Google doc, if you're interested in helping me create!
 

JuniperW

Birb Fanatic
Given the darker tone I think it'd be good to describe aspects of the environment such as colour palette, weather etc. and relate it to the thoughts and actions of the characters.
 

JuniperW

Birb Fanatic
Will you please provide examples?
A night setting or dark colours could signify the protagonist's bleak outlook in the opening scene, but as the episode goes on, the palette gradually shifts to lighter and more vibrant tones - showing his growth as a character and newfound "light" in his life, AKA all of the new values he's learned from his development.
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
A night setting or dark colours could signify the protagonist's bleak outlook in the opening scene, but as the episode goes on, the palette gradually shifts to lighter and more vibrant tones - showing his growth as a character and newfound "light" in his life, AKA all of the new values he's learned from his development.
Thank you for explaining!

Do you know anything about exposition, and how much is too much? I am struggling with infodumping
 

JuniperW

Birb Fanatic
Thank you for explaining!

Do you know anything about exposition, and how much is too much? I am struggling with infodumping

The best way to work with exposition (at least in my opinion) is to make sure it's spread out throughout the story rather than all in one place. Think about what information is relevant to a certain scene. We can tell a lot about a fictional world through observation and interpretation - maybe incorporate worldbuilding into the character designs and scenery?
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
The best way to work with exposition (at least in my opinion) is to make sure it's spread out throughout the story rather than all in one place. Think about what information is relevant to a certain scene. We can tell a lot about a fictional world through observation and interpretation - maybe incorporate worldbuilding into the character designs and scenery?
That I can do!

What is the best way to get a reclusive character (Hopper) to leave his house and explore a town? He has 3 characters to meet, and I doubt he'd be able to meet them by sitting around his home. Any ideas?
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
Can't really help much, quit mlp some time ago but I still have pics of my oc...
I'm mostly looking for storytelling help... knowing the lore should be optional, because I'm essentially reintroducing the world in the pilot anyway

My goal is to make this "reboot" its own standalone piece
 

hardman13

Bouncy faithful powerful fox.
I'm essentially reintroducing the world in the pilot anyway

My goal is to make this "reboot" its own standalone piece

Well, that's a lot easier now, isn't it!

Someone above has already talked about setting (darker tones such as nighttime, thunderstorms) and symbolism/expostion, but now you need to think about content. How can you add to the story and lore of the book without losing your reader's attention? Honestly, my way is to have brief characters (characters that will only appear for a few pages, then you never see them again) or by killing off characters who I've gradually gotten them to like, both of which are based off of Stephen King (my idol, btw). Take, "Cell", by the aforementioned King: Right at the beginning, when the chaos is only just starting, the protagonists take refuge in a hotel. The acting hotel manager is unlikable at first, but we end up sympathising with him. Then, the prog leave, then come back to pick him up. He has, however, taken his own life. Veteran King readers can see it coming, new readers are shocked, but both stay hooked, because you wonder who's gonna die next. I would really recommend King, and especially Cell, and even more especially "IT" (yes, that IT). King, I think, is the only person who can create a 1300 page long book about a sewer clown, and keep people reading until the end.

Anyway, you ant to think about techniques to use to keep an audience on the edge of their seats. This could be danger, good descriptions, any number of things.

I hope this helped in some way.
 

hardman13

Bouncy faithful powerful fox.
What is the best way to get a reclusive character (Hopper) to leave his house and explore a town? He has 3 characters to meet, and I doubt he'd be able to meet them by sitting around his home. Any ideas?

It really depends on his personality. If he's a depressed soul, he could be going out to get medication, or to go to the park, something simple as that. It really does depend on the context and personality, which I should hope you know better than we do! :D
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
Well, that's a lot easier now, isn't it!

Someone above has already talked about setting (darker tones such as nighttime, thunderstorms) and symbolism/expostion, but now you need to think about content. How can you add to the story and lore of the book without losing your reader's attention? Honestly, my way is to have brief characters (characters that will only appear for a few pages, then you never see them again) or by killing off characters who I've gradually gotten them to like, both of which are based off of Stephen King (my idol, btw). Take, "Cell", by the aforementioned King: Right at the beginning, when the chaos is only just starting, the protagonists take refuge in a hotel. The acting hotel manager is unlikable at first, but we end up sympathising with him. Then, the prog leave, then come back to pick him up. He has, however, taken his own life. Veteran King readers can see it coming, new readers are shocked, but both stay hooked, because you wonder who's gonna die next. I would really recommend King, and especially Cell, and even more especially "IT" (yes, that IT). King, I think, is the only person who can create a 1300 page long book about a sewer clown, and keep people reading until the end.

Anyway, you ant to think about techniques to use to keep an audience on the edge of their seats. This could be danger, good descriptions, any number of things.

I hope this helped in some way.
Oh, goodness! I don't want to kill any of my characters! I still want it to retain roughly the same rating as the original show. I think you might be misunderstanding the darkness element... how can I explain it better?
I'm not going for anything edgy or adult, but I do want to handle important topics in a way that even a child can understand the meaning and make good decisions if they're ever faced with a similar situation
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
It really depends on his personality. If he's a depressed soul, he could be going out to get medication, or to go to the park, something simple as that. It really does depend on the context and personality, which I should hope you know better than we do! :D
Hopper has trust issues and social anxiety stemming from childhood trauma (his friends convinced him to be the first one to skate on an icy pond, and when he fell through, they ran away instead of helping him)
His beginning arc is that he is learning to take the risk of making new friends, hoping they'll treat him better instead of betraying him.
That's a big step, and not one that he'll make easily! So it will take a very special trio of ponies to get him to come out of his shell.
I just need to devise a way to get this stubborn boy out into the world!
For Twilight, she was motivated by her royal assigment to check how the celebration was being prepared, but stubbornly tried to rush through it. She has respect for Celestia, and is bent on warning her and protecting her.
Hopper and Luna have a newer teacher and student acquaintanceship that is not so warm and friendly. Luna is stoic and mysterious, and a bit stern. Hopper doesn't want to be where he is, and would rather be a stand up comedian. So I imagine it will take time for him to warm up to Princess Luna as well. He may be motivated out of fear to do what Luna asks? Or he wants her to get off his back. Or maybe he wants to be so bad at his talent that she finds a new apprentice. I get the feeling Hopper struggles at first to accept his responsibilities for fear of failure? Still working that out.
What do you think?
 

Sappho

Canis Centaurus
Just a little note, I found it annoying how we never met the pony who forged the guard's armor.no appreciation for the one who sweated so the soldiers had equipment... ok I'm done
 

hardman13

Bouncy faithful powerful fox.
Oh, goodness! I don't want to kill any of my characters! I still want it to retain roughly the same rating as the original show. I think you might be misunderstanding the darkness element... how can I explain it better?
I'm not going for anything edgy or adult, but I do want to handle important topics in a way that even a child can understand the meaning and make good decisions if they're ever faced with a similar situation

Aah, yeah, I misunderstood that very badly lmfao, well in that case.

I want to bring up "I have a black dog. His name is depression" (A reading by the artist can be found here:
) I't basically depression put into a way a child can understand. I don't want to say use baby words, but use words that can be understood better. Also, try and personify the Tantabus in a form that children can externally relate to. Maybe in the form of a petty bully with sly tricks.

Hopper has trust issues and social anxiety stemming from childhood trauma (his friends convinced him to be the first one to skate on an icy pond, and when he fell through, they ran away instead of helping him)
His beginning arc is that he is learning to take the risk of making new friends, hoping they'll treat him better instead of betraying him.
That's a big step, and not one that he'll make easily! So it will take a very special trio of ponies to get him to come out of his shell.
I just need to devise a way to get this stubborn boy out into the world!
For Twilight, she was motivated by her royal assigment to check how the celebration was being prepared, but stubbornly tried to rush through it. She has respect for Celestia, and is bent on warning her and protecting her.
Hopper and Luna have a newer teacher and student acquaintanceship that is not so warm and friendly. Luna is stoic and mysterious, and a bit stern. Hopper doesn't want to be where he is, and would rather be a stand up comedian. So I imagine it will take time for him to warm up to Princess Luna as well. He may be motivated out of fear to do what Luna asks? Or he wants her to get off his back. Or maybe he wants to be so bad at his talent that she finds a new apprentice. I get the feeling Hopper struggles at first to accept his responsibilities for fear of failure? Still working that out.
What do you think?

Well, I was thinking, you could make it so someone he already knows, possibly the only person he has any level of trust with, drags him out (reluctantly) and takes him to a campfire or to their house, where he meets the other characters you want to introduce! He's extremely antisocial at first, and tries to get away as much as possible, but as he starts to see them more and more (even going round to his house to see him!), he starts to understand not all ponies are bad, giving him the confidence he needs to help Princess Luna, and perhaps even try to break through her shell with the help of his new-found friends. It's easy enough to write in, and you can add in all sorts of details about this universe while you're at it.

A thought I had was that his Tantabus stays with him throughout the book, but eventually gets drowned out to the point where it's insignificant and defeated. It seems like a good way to advance the plot quite a bit.

I really did misunderstand a little bit, didn't I? I need a head bonking to loose those brain cells ;P.
 

Sappho

Canis Centaurus
Who? When? What? I bet I could find a way to tie up that loose end?
That's why I made a ponysona so long ago.

I ain't asking or begging, it would be up to you. I called him Redwin (Redd) Hoofiestus (like the Greek God of metalworking) Coal.

I doubt you would but I could be wrong
Redd fixed.png
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
Aah, yeah, I misunderstood that very badly lmfao, well in that case.

I want to bring up "I have a black dog. His name is depression" (A reading by the artist can be found here:
) I't basically depression put into a way a child can understand. I don't want to say use baby words, but use words that can be understood better. Also, try and personify the Tantabus in a form that children can externally relate to. Maybe in the form of a petty bully with sly tricks.



Well, I was thinking, you could make it so someone he already knows, possibly the only person he has any level of trust with, drags him out (reluctantly) and takes him to a campfire or to their house, where he meets the other characters you want to introduce! He's extremely antisocial at first, and tries to get away as much as possible, but as he starts to see them more and more (even going round to his house to see him!), he starts to understand not all ponies are bad, giving him the confidence he needs to help Princess Luna, and perhaps even try to break through her shell with the help of his new-found friends. It's easy enough to write in, and you can add in all sorts of details about this universe while you're at it.

A thought I had was that his Tantabus stays with him throughout the book, but eventually gets drowned out to the point where it's insignificant and defeated. It seems like a good way to advance the plot quite a bit.

I really did misunderstand a little bit, didn't I? I need a head bonking to loose those brain cells ;P.

There is a Tantabus already in the show which Princess Luna had, and it was shaped a bit like Luna's silhouette. In the end, she had to face her negative self-talk and let her friends remind her that she didn't deserve punishment for the past in light of who she had become.

Hopper will face a similar issue... he doesn't have to remind himself every night about the betrayal of 3 childhood friends. He has 3 new friends who treat him right, and the past needs to be let go.

I do indeed like the idea of his Tantabus being a lingering hindrance!

You also inspired me in a different way... at the start of the story, he should make lots of self-deprecating jokes and comments, and lose that habit over the course of the story.

Maybe he needs to complete certain assignments so he can graduate from Friendship School, and that's his only motivator for completing his checklist?
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
That's why I made a ponysona so long ago.

I ain't asking or begging, it would be up to you. I called him Redwin (Redd) Hoofiestus (like the Greek God of metalworking) Coal.

I doubt you would but I could be wrong View attachment 88665

I like him, but if I were to include him, I'd have to change a few things for him to jive in my art style. He would probably be a russet brown or lighter red with grey-black mane and some other type of clothing. I like his necklace! Does he have an anvil CutieMark? How do you feel about giving him a different mane cut?
 

Sappho

Canis Centaurus
I like him, but if I were to include him, I'd have to change a few things for him to jive in my art style. He would probably be a russet brown or lighter red with grey-black mane and some other type of clothing. I like his necklace! Does he have an anvil CutieMark? How do you feel about giving him a different mane cut?
Greaves stay (they're hooked to his nerves and extend into "fingers") do what you want just keep the greaves and mane cut.
 

Sappho

Canis Centaurus
I like him, but if I were to include him, I'd have to change a few things for him to jive in my art style. He would probably be a russet brown or lighter red with grey-black mane and some other type of clothing. I like his necklace! Does he have an anvil CutieMark? How do you feel about giving him a different mane cut?
Also, that necklace contains a pic of his mom, Ruby. He's half Sire-ish (irish) but says he's full sire-ish (hates his crystal empire father Char Coal)

But those details are minor
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
Also, that necklace contains a pic of his mom, Ruby. He's half Sire-ish (irish) but says he's full sire-ish (hates his crystal empire father Char Coal)

But those details are minor

Ruby sounds more Crystally than Charcoal XD

I was actually looking to expand the Empire's lore in a few episodes, namely the one where Hopper addresses his crush on Squeakers. What would you like to see added or removed from the Crystal Empire, and what questions would you like answers to? For example, I always wanted to know where the ponies came from, and if they are actually made of crystal themselves, like golems
 
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