Hetnensilverfox
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New relationship, what's the right thing to do?
- Thread starter Hetnensilverfox
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Okami_No_Heishi
Guest
Idk mate. I really don't. Me and my mate have been together for 18 years and married 16 of those. I couldn't imagine what you are going through. But it's not wrong for a man to be emotional. Or to have feelings. If this bothers you this much I would suggest talking with her about it. You can't change someone unless they want to change. And if it's not right for you you should move on.
J
Jin-Lust-4-Sin
Guest
I agree with @Okami_No_Heishi and @bhutrflai about this : having emotions and/or feelings isn't wrong at all (better than being emotionless, that's for sure)
As for you and your mate... I say, just be honest with her and talk to her about it, and see how it goes
As for you and your mate... I say, just be honest with her and talk to her about it, and see how it goes
xofrats
The cat said what?
My mate used to be in an open relationship but it got in trouble when he found someone to have "on the side" while his (now ex) girlfriend didn't. But she was quite and he didn't know he hurt her every time he went out with his other girlfriend.
After a month they had a huge fight and broke up. So don't bottled up your feeling. Talk to her I'm sure she will listen and you can work out something that works for the both of you.
After a month they had a huge fight and broke up. So don't bottled up your feeling. Talk to her I'm sure she will listen and you can work out something that works for the both of you.
quoting_mungo
Well-Known Member
I'm poly. I was in a monogamous relationship for... I believe it was like a year and a half to maybe 22 months, but this was years ago and my sense of time is notoriously shitty. (Like, I know roughly what time of year we started dating and he dumped me, but I can't for certain remember how much time passed in between.) The biggest thing I took away from that relationship was "never again" - my ex's insecurity about the notion of me doing someone else pushed me to a point where I would have cheated on him under a specific set of circumstances, and that utterly killed me (it never happened, as that situation never came up, but I really do not like the idea that I would cheat on my partner(s)). I was happy enough letting him go outside our relationship long as he used condoms etc, and he repeatedly told me he'd never do that unless he was prepared to extend the same freedom to me.
My boyfriend was in a relationship he wanted to be open/poly (the two are NOT the same, to be clear, but he'd have liked either far as I know), and eventually that ended up being one of the things driving him and his fiancé apart. At some point after their breakup his ex had a change of heart on that front, and far as I am aware is quite happy in his current open relationship. Boyfriend's other ex was in no way open to an open or poly relationship when they were dating, but is now quite happy with three girlfriends and a number of other occasional lovers.
I don't say this to break your heart or tell you there's no hope, but I do want to warn you to be realistic. Poly/mono is one of the biggest splits you can have in relationship goals, and is by nature one that is very difficult to reconcile. The basis of working out any relationship differences is always going to be communication, but beware the risk of one party folding entirely to the other's wishes - that's not healthy in the long run, especially not if the issue they're folding on is central or important to them (my relationship with my ex was originally semi-closed; we had the understanding that if I got the chance I'd shag my now-husband. When he reneged on this concession I ended up in a position where I would have violated the terms of our relationship, which sucked for both of us, really).
The first thing you should do is figure out what it is that frightens you about the notion of her having sex with other men. Are you afraid she'll leave you for them? If you're the love of her life, that ain't gonna happen. Do you want all her love for yourself? Love isn't a finite resource, and loving them doesn't mean she loves you any less. Would knowing these men make you feel more comfortable about the prospect of sharing her affection? Does the idea of her using toys to satisfy herself without your involvement give you the same reaction? I'm not saying you have to fold to her, but knowing what it is about those relationships that makes you uncomfortable gives you both a better starting point for talking about the situation than a less nuanced "this makes me miserable". If you two have disparate kinks, maybe you'd be comfortable with her getting her kink on with someone else but not with her having vanilla sex with them, and that could be a way for both of you to be happy.
The risk with taking her up on the offer of giving up polyamory for you is that over time this will breed resentment. It's okay to have an agreement to remain monogamous for a limited time while you get comfortable in your relationship, but in my experience most poly people can't just "turn off" their love for other people, and continuing that way indefinitely is liable to cause friction and hurt feelings. If you do make an agreement to start out monogamous and then slowly open things up it's super important that you set renegotiation dates and keep them - if you set a non-definitive date of "when I feel comfortable" it's far too likely to never come about, and will if anything cause her to feel even more trapped by your insecurity. I can guarantee that's not the result you want.
My boyfriend was in a relationship he wanted to be open/poly (the two are NOT the same, to be clear, but he'd have liked either far as I know), and eventually that ended up being one of the things driving him and his fiancé apart. At some point after their breakup his ex had a change of heart on that front, and far as I am aware is quite happy in his current open relationship. Boyfriend's other ex was in no way open to an open or poly relationship when they were dating, but is now quite happy with three girlfriends and a number of other occasional lovers.
I don't say this to break your heart or tell you there's no hope, but I do want to warn you to be realistic. Poly/mono is one of the biggest splits you can have in relationship goals, and is by nature one that is very difficult to reconcile. The basis of working out any relationship differences is always going to be communication, but beware the risk of one party folding entirely to the other's wishes - that's not healthy in the long run, especially not if the issue they're folding on is central or important to them (my relationship with my ex was originally semi-closed; we had the understanding that if I got the chance I'd shag my now-husband. When he reneged on this concession I ended up in a position where I would have violated the terms of our relationship, which sucked for both of us, really).
The first thing you should do is figure out what it is that frightens you about the notion of her having sex with other men. Are you afraid she'll leave you for them? If you're the love of her life, that ain't gonna happen. Do you want all her love for yourself? Love isn't a finite resource, and loving them doesn't mean she loves you any less. Would knowing these men make you feel more comfortable about the prospect of sharing her affection? Does the idea of her using toys to satisfy herself without your involvement give you the same reaction? I'm not saying you have to fold to her, but knowing what it is about those relationships that makes you uncomfortable gives you both a better starting point for talking about the situation than a less nuanced "this makes me miserable". If you two have disparate kinks, maybe you'd be comfortable with her getting her kink on with someone else but not with her having vanilla sex with them, and that could be a way for both of you to be happy.
The risk with taking her up on the offer of giving up polyamory for you is that over time this will breed resentment. It's okay to have an agreement to remain monogamous for a limited time while you get comfortable in your relationship, but in my experience most poly people can't just "turn off" their love for other people, and continuing that way indefinitely is liable to cause friction and hurt feelings. If you do make an agreement to start out monogamous and then slowly open things up it's super important that you set renegotiation dates and keep them - if you set a non-definitive date of "when I feel comfortable" it's far too likely to never come about, and will if anything cause her to feel even more trapped by your insecurity. I can guarantee that's not the result you want.
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um_pineapplez
Mage of Void, dammit.
I've been trying to tell myself that relationships aren't worth it, but it's getting harder and harder for me to believe that.
LycanTheory
Free to good home.
I've got to agree with everyone else on talking to her about how you feel. Open and honest communication should be the very foundation of any relationship.
With that being said, issues can be resolved between two partners but it's generally a bad idea to expect someone to change part of who they are as an individual. Being poly can sometimes result from an adaptation to circumstance but more often than not, I think it's integrated deeper than that into who one is as an individual.
Let me offer you this, though. If she loves you and she makes you feel loved every minute that you're together and you love and respect her mutually, I think everything else can be resolved.
My speculation would be that your main issue is a fear of losing her to someone else but that's something that can be overcome as long as she knows and meets your emotional needs and the two of you build enough trust with each other but again, that all takes lots of communication and being open about how you feel. That's the first step, talking with her.
Hope it works out great for both of you.
Take care
With that being said, issues can be resolved between two partners but it's generally a bad idea to expect someone to change part of who they are as an individual. Being poly can sometimes result from an adaptation to circumstance but more often than not, I think it's integrated deeper than that into who one is as an individual.
Let me offer you this, though. If she loves you and she makes you feel loved every minute that you're together and you love and respect her mutually, I think everything else can be resolved.
My speculation would be that your main issue is a fear of losing her to someone else but that's something that can be overcome as long as she knows and meets your emotional needs and the two of you build enough trust with each other but again, that all takes lots of communication and being open about how you feel. That's the first step, talking with her.
Hope it works out great for both of you.
Take care
Hetnensilverfox
Member
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I feel we can overcome anything. I want her happiness over anything. I know she loves me more deeply than anyone else.
J
Jin-Lust-4-Sin
Guest
That's the spirit, man !
S
Sergei Sóhomo
Guest
I'd argue not feeling emotions like that is very beneficial. I don't feel the need to share resources and income with someone which means everything is mine~
Yakamaru
Your average Stand enjoyer
And so are expenses.
S
Sergei Sóhomo
Guest
And so are expenses.
But the expenses are my own. If I wanna spend 3k on computer parts then it's all for me and no one else
nerdbat
Green butt of reason
FurFunAndMore
Tiny but terrific!
I really hope everything works out for you1
Yakamaru
Your average Stand enjoyer
FurFunAndMore
Tiny but terrific!
So just a question, it seems like there seem to be more people here who are open minded about open relationships or poly-amorous relationships. I've only met two people that were poly. Can anyone give me some insight into the appeal of it?
LycanTheory
Free to good home.
It depends largely on the dynamic between those involved to be honest. Some have multiple partners and love each of them equally while others may have one main partner and one or a few more casual partners. Some people seem prone to this style of relationship while others may find that it just works due to circumstance.
There's no real way to give a "one size fits all" description as it varies per the individual relationship but I believe it can be basically covered with the simple definition of loving more than one partner at the same time.
I'll admit that my experience here is a bit limited as I've only dated a girl that was poly for a brief stint. Aside from that, I'm inherently monogamous but open to the concept as I'm secure and not really the jealous type.
I will say this, it's not for the faint of heart and most people I've talked to that are poly say that trust and communication are imperative to making it work, even then there are hurt feelings sometimes but that's just part of the deal and something that everyone involved has to work through.
Hetnensilverfox
Member
I tend to yo-yo. at times it hurts, and other times I feel ok, and wonder why I was hurting. I think I'm just going through an adjustment phase as this is all new to me. My mate feels she doesn't really know if she wants to be poly. She thinks it is more of a way to guarantee she always has someone as she has had really bad luck with men. I let her know that no matter what I love her, and that I will support whatever makes her happy. I would die of guilt if my feelings would cause her to be something she's not, or do something against her will. Life is a complicated thing. One way or another, life is so much better with her then the one who used to abuse me. I am free, and I am loved, I just need to stop loosing site of that. Best yet, she does want to marry me.
LycanTheory
Free to good home.
It sounds to me like you're going through some adjusting and if she always wants someone in her life and has had bad luck like you and wants to marry you, I don't think you've gotta worry about losing her.
As a matter of fact, get off of here and spend time holding her in your arms and telling her how much she means to you, dude. That's what I'd be doing if I had someone like that.
biscuitfister
Anyone want thier biscuit fisted?
Be yourself and dont lie man. When a situation arises when yall are in a disagreement come to a COMMON ground. Do not give up what you hold dear to make somthing work. Find common ground and build
S
Sergei Sóhomo
Guest
FurFunAndMore
Tiny but terrific!
Thanks I think that's a very interesting insight.
I'm currently engaged and in a monogamous relationship, I don't think any type of poly lifestyle would be for me as I probably would get jealous. But I studied psychology in school and so I find all types of relationships really interesting!
If anyone else has any experience or points of view on the subject I would love to hear it!
quoting_mungo
Well-Known Member
I'm in an open poly relationship. For me, there are multiple aspects that make me feel that this is how I want to, and should, live my life.
One aspect, and possibly the most important, is that I love multiple people. To me the notion of "I love this person now, so that means I've fallen out of love with this other person" is as ridiculous as to only like one food at a time. I can't choose not to love someone any more than I can choose not to like chocolate or cheese or apples. I don't say that to belittle people who do feel that they only have love for one person at a time, more to stress that love is something I feel, and if I can share it with multiple people I love, why shouldn't I? And if I love more than one person, how can I say "I'm choosing NOT to be with you" and feel comfortable with myself?
The other aspect, which might be more relevant/important to the "open" side of the relationship, is that while I enjoy sex, I don't really assign more meaning to it than anything else I enjoy. I am happy to get intimate with friends as much as I am happy to go to the movies with them or what have you. So sleeping with people outside of our core relationship doesn't take anything away from the connection I feel to my husband and our boyfriend, and living a 6-8 hour flight away from both of them doesn't mean I need to not enjoy an activity that can feel pretty darn nice. The one local FWB I have isn't someone I think I'd be happy in a relationship with, as we've got some very different values, but I still care a lot about him and enjoy getting together with him from time to time, whether it's for intimacy or to hang out and do other stuff.
FurFunAndMore
Tiny but terrific!
Using the comparison to food is very clever and definitely not how I would have looked at it until now. But that's a good point. And it's cool that you've been able to find people in your life that you are able to share the same values with.
If it's not too personal to ask, do you ever feel jealous or uncomfortable with either of your partners other partners?