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Critique: Not good with fighting scenes but I did my best

MissNook

Well-Known Member
Please keep in mind this is just my opinion.
I feel you have a good rhythm with how you put the dialogues intertwined with the fight description. I feel that what is lacking is more the epicness, since the fight is described neatly but without much emotions and impact in my opinion. I think it can be improved with metaphors, writing sound effects, effects of the impacts, effects of movement, use of repetition and feelings of the fighters.
For example for the impact, verbs are often better than name (you will see in the example bellow, I used "exploded" instead of "an explosion")
I'm not sure if what I'm saying is clear, so here an example with your work.
Original
The alligator pokemon solidified his stance and launched a torrent of water from his jaws. On connection with the mud shot there was an explosion of water, obscuring the field between them. Just as expected, Riao appeared through the destroyed hydro pump and tried to land a hammer smash- thinking Auquis was unprepared. Auquis built his strength in his legs and launched right into Riao with a well planned skull bash. It connected and Riao had the wind knocked out of him as he hit the ground, coughing.

Modified
He clenched his feet onto the ground to solidify his stance and opening his mouth with a smirk, a water torrent came out dashing towards his opponent. The mud and water exploded into each other creating a wall of water vapor obscuring the view of the fighters. In a blink of an eye, Riao jumped with a smile on his face, his arms raised to deliver a destroying hammer smash onto Aquis. He went through the vapor to only feel his face smashing against a terrible strength. His eyes opened wide as he saw Auquis skull crushed him. The moment after, his body seemed light as he flied through the air to meet the ground. His breath had difficulties to go out, he coughed but still smile, now he was looking forward to this fight. He had underestimated Auquis, but he would not loose.
Now here I put colors to explain what is what for me and how I modified your work.
Impact / metaphor / movement / feelings
He clenched his feet onto the ground to solidify his stance and opening his mouth with a smirk, a water torrent came out dashing towards his opponent. The mud and water exploded into each other creating a wall of water vapor obscuring the view of the fighters. In a blink of an eye, Riao jumped with a smile on his face, his arms raised to deliver a destroying hammer smash onto Aquis. He went through the vapor to only feel his face smashing against a terrible strength. His eyes opened wide as he saw Auquis skull crushed him. The moment after, his body seemed light as he flied through the air to meet the ground. His breath had difficulties to go out, he coughed but still smile, now he was looking forward to this fight. He had underestimated Auquis, but he would not loose.

For the things I didn't put in this example:
  • the repetitions can be used to give a quicker rhythm to parts of the fight: "She needed to be faster. She slashed with her dagger. Slashed and slashed again.". Also to give a feeling of urgency : "One hit and she would die. She needed to focus. To focus or to die."
  • writing sound effects can be used to add sound to the scenery, to have a comic-relief effect, to add a new rhythm. It's a bit difficult to write example without context but here: "She took a step back when... SWIIIIISH. She saw a lock of her hair flying. One inch further and she would have been dead."
Hope that will help :)
 

Miles Marsalis

The Last DJ.
I could look over your work later, but I'd say it help to try to make the description of the action as visceral as possible and to start with a simple description of the action which you can improve prose-wise later.
 
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