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MetroFox2

MetroFox2

Resident Stone Age Fox
Alright, it's probably super cringy, but fuck it.

So, yeah, does this couple seem genuine to people here?



“Go around there.” Haidessul said, pointing to a thicket of less thorny bushes. Okunitka looked to her, an eyebrow raised. She did not answer, and instead pushed him towards the thicket, accidentally knocking him over.


There was a thump as the Wild Dog hit the ground. The couple held their breath, and the lion roared, scattering the birds and small game. Haidessul took her spear into both paws and stood atop her mate, like a wolf protecting a pack member with its own body. Okunitka grabbed her leg and hauled himself up, taking his shorter spear into his good paw.


The bushes began to thrash. With that, the two of them knew to move. They turned and ran for the thicket that Haidessul had pointed to, diving in head-first. As Okunitka’s tail disappeared into the foliage, the lion burst through the thorns. The Kono Wolf sat there, unable to take her eyes away from the great beast. She jumped, feeling a paw clutch her own. She turned to see Okunitka clutching her tightly, a look of pain and fear on his face. She forced a smile, and wrapped her arm around him.

Edit - Just say if you need more context or a better example, cause this probably isn't the best, first draft n' all.
 
MetroFox2

MetroFox2

Resident Stone Age Fox
Dox-Tucy said:
Find some artist and make a few pictures for that!
Click to expand...

I got no money to pay artists, as much as I'd love to see some of my characters in art. Only did it once, was very happy with the result.
 
B

backpawscratcher

Guest
MetroFox2 said:
Alright, it's probably super cringy, but fuck it.

So, yeah, does this couple seem genuine to people here?



“Go around there.” Haidessul said, pointing to a thicket of less thorny bushes. Okunitka looked to her, an eyebrow raised. She did not answer, and instead pushed him towards the thicket, accidentally knocking him over.


There was a thump as the Wild Dog hit the ground. The couple held their breath, and the lion roared, scattering the birds and small game. Haidessul took her spear into both paws and stood atop her mate, like a wolf protecting a pack member with its own body. Okunitka grabbed her leg and hauled himself up, taking his shorter spear into his good paw.


The bushes began to thrash. With that, the two of them knew to move. They turned and ran for the thicket that Haidessul had pointed to, diving in head-first. As Okunitka’s tail disappeared into the foliage, the lion burst through the thorns. The Kono Wolf sat there, unable to take her eyes away from the great beast. She jumped, feeling a paw clutch her own. She turned to see Okunitka clutching her tightly, a look of pain and fear on his face. She forced a smile, and wrapped her arm around him.

Edit - Just say if you need more context or a better example, cause this probably isn't the best, first draft n' all.
Click to expand...
I would emphasise more feelings between them with a few well-placed adjectives to convey the fear for each others’ safety, and have them touch more for reassurance, just once or twice by adding a subsentence or two. Otherwise that’s very good. Moves the story along and just from that snippet alone there’s an idea of who the characters are.

Oh, and it’s not in the least bit cringey, especially if that’s only the first draft.
 
MetroFox2

MetroFox2

Resident Stone Age Fox
backpawscratcher said:
I would emphasise more feelings between them with a few well-placed adjectives to convey the fear for each others’ safety, and have them touch more for reassurance, just once or twice by adding a subsentence or two. Otherwise that’s very good. Moves the story along and just from that snippet alone there’s an idea of who the characters are.
Click to expand...

Thanks, I'll make a note of it, and sort it while re-drafting.
 
M

Massan Otter

Guest
Yes, I think backpaw's feedback is good, and I'd agree. It's very clearly written, though maybe a little more about how the characters feel (even through facial expressions or similar) could work. Also, "great beast" feels a little like a furry Mills-Boon, but this type of scene will always tend to lean that way, so perhaps that's OK.
 
MetroFox2

MetroFox2

Resident Stone Age Fox
Massan Otter said:
Yes, I think backpaw's feedback is good, and I'd agree. It's very clearly written, though maybe a little more about how the characters feel (even through facial expressions or similar) could work. Also, "great beast" feels a little like a furry Mills-Boon, but this type of scene will always tend to lean that way, so perhaps that's OK.
Click to expand...

Had to look up Mills-boon, don't know anything about romance fiction, just part of the challenge I'm writing this for. Yeah, facial stuff I kinda forgot, another thing to add while redrafting. Thanks Massan.
 
Shoiyo

Shoiyo

Smartass skunk
Dox-Tucy said:
Hope that bad dream was not about foxes :)
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Nah, just vampire-like teenage girls with rabies, no eyes, and sobbing hysterical mothers. You know, the standard X-Files type shit.

Okami_No_Heishi said:
No doubt! You need to watch like happy puppy videos or something like that before bed, so maybe you'll dream of being overwhelmed by cuteness instead of bad things. It works!
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I'm willing to try anything :)
 
O

Okami_No_Heishi

Guest
Shoiyo said:
Nah, just vampire-like teenage girls with rabies, no eyes, and sobbing hysterical mothers. You know, the standard X-Files type shit.



I'm willing to try anything :)
Click to expand...
I sometimes have messed up dreams. Just a few days ago I dreamed some dipshit kidnapped my daughter, and I chased him down and beat the crap out of him, then shooting him in the face after he stabbed me in the gut. Then having to be questioned by police then a trial. And they tend to be very vivid. But when I watch things like puppy or cute animal videos my dreams tend to be great!
 
MetroFox2

MetroFox2

Resident Stone Age Fox
Okami_No_Heishi said:
I sometimes have messed up dreams. Just a few days ago I dreamed some dipshit kidnapped my daughter, and I chased him down and beat the crap out of him, then shooting him in the face after he stabbed me in the gut. Then having to be questioned by police then a trial. And they tend to be very vivid. But when I watch things like puppy or cute animal videos my dreams tend to be great!
Click to expand...

I think I had a fever dream about Rugrats stealing a car that I don't own, 'cause I've never had a semi-normal or coherent dream in my life.
 
M

Massan Otter

Guest
I've had some interesting dreams in the last few weeks. A memorable one involved a big old house in which a load of disparate people I know lived in some sort of communal arrangement. The house was exerting an influence on the inhabitants, like something from a Shirley Jackson novel. Throughout the dream, I was trying to persuade everyone to get out of the house and break away from it. Somehow at the end of the dream, I had a bus waiting outside for everyone, the house was on fire and we'd all cheerfully gone back in. I woke up at that point, and woke my wife up with a shout.
 
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O

Okami_No_Heishi

Guest
Massan Otter said:
I've had some interesting dreams in the last few weeks. A memorable one involved a big old house in which a load of disparate people I know lived in some sort of communal arrangement. The house was exerting an influence on the inhabitants, like something from a Shirley Jackson novel. Throughout the dream, I was trying to persuade everyone one to get out of the house and break away from it. Somehow at the end of the dream, I had a bus waiting outside for everyone, the house was on fire and we'd all cheerfully gone back in. I woke up at that point, and woke my wife up with a shout.
Click to expand...
Wow!
 
Black Burn

Black Burn

Well-Known Gopnik
Fuuuuuck, why I have to be on this last lesson that is RELIGION, listening tonall this fanatic bullshit thst our cathehist trlls us, one less hour would hurt us or what?
 
Malachi The Wolfo

Malachi The Wolfo

who knows how deep the rabbit hole goes
My mom made delicious Hawaiian pork loin lat night, It was to die for. Damn, I wish mom would make that more often. It is probably the best thing I will ever eat.
 
Dox-Tucy

Dox-Tucy

Commercial furries - www.2foxes.eu
Black Burn said:
Fuuuuuck, why I have to be on this last lesson that is RELIGION, listening tonall this fanatic bullshit thst our cathehist trlls us, one less hour would hurt us or what?
Click to expand...
Are you joking?
 
Astus

Astus

Well Known Foxxo
*flops in and rolls around*
 
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