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Poem critique requested : ''When You're Gone''

S

Steelite

Guest
Been ages since my last poem, which was about months ago, back in last year.
I made this, based on my irl experiences, and as an attempt to see if my writing skills have got rusty or not.

fav.me: When You're Gone

I'd like critiques on how the story, the images, and the scenes are built up, and how the flow of the piece is.
As for the punctuation (there's always a space before the period, comma, etc.) : that's how we were taught to write in Vietnam.
 

reptile logic

An imposter among aliens.
First of all, I will admit that critiquing poetry is difficult for me. I do not have a good grasp on what, structurally, can be considered as being poetry.

I find the story behind the words as very relate-able. My mother died much the same way, though later in life.

Wishing that you had spent more time explaining/demonstrating how much you cared. Also very relate-able.

Finding inadequacies in you own reflection; accusations from your own visage. Strong and meaningful.

Guilt from maybe not doing enough; somehow believing that you may have contributed to her death. Part of the grieving process.

The flow seemed a bit off to me. The story flitted from thought to thought; as the mind can when dealing with such raw emotion. Therefore maybe this slight jostling of the reader can be considered very appropriate for this piece.

That's all I have for you. I hope that you find it helpful.
 

reptile logic

An imposter among aliens.
This may not clarify it for you, but here goes. It feels like you are taking the reader along with you as you mind alights on your thoughts of the moment. It feels a little disjointed to me, the reader. It is, however, how I have personally felt when ruminating over some personal tragedy in my own life. Therefore, this feeling invoked in me, the reader, may be entirely appropriate.

Someone educated and experienced in the art of poetry will most certainly be able to offer more constructive input.
 
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