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Poetry For Critique

I'm not much of a story writer so instead you get some poetry. Feel free to critique. Also feel free to ask questions about metaphors, symbols, and other such things and I'll do my best to explain it.

No, they are not furry poems.

A Little Bottle Marked "N"
I remember a time when I held the melting world between my fingers while it dripped and the threat of heating it up until it became red hot metal stood strong. You asked me my demands and I only whispered your name through my raspy voice that was tinted with poisonous manipulation.

At that point, you came like a dog on whimpering pretenses.

I remember when my head used to fit like a puzzle piece in the crook of your shoulder as I would use it to hide from the beasts coming to get me at night, running at me like wild horses with flaming red eyes and smoke shooting from their nostrils furiously

But they dissipated upon reaching you and I shining like stars.

I remember when you didn’t want me in the crook of your neck anymore, because the puzzle pieces weren’t fitting quite right. I began to lean up and leave soft kisses all over your face with my puckered lips, so light you could hardly call it kisses, because it was all we had. The last good thing I remember is your chuckle as I proclaimed myself a fish from the puckered little kisses.

But I didn’t have the fish bones to match the beauty of how you dreamed of me.

The world had already melted in my hands when you arrived because I had lied, you found it out when you sighted the charred remains on my fingernails. You rode atop the horses with the eyes like fire and the flaring nostrils and I realized that they were coming for you the whole time, but the thought was just as scary.

As you left the horizon, everyday I would pour out a little more from my bottle of Nostalgia,

And I would smell something oh so bitter sweet each time.

Eulogy For a Ruined World
We'll dance together in plazas constructed of broken bricks,
Embrace on nonexistent streets of ancient men,
Together, Transcend the black clouds of apocalypse,
Even then,
We'd never know it's love we are falling in.

From Outside Dolls' Eyes
I am a ragdoll and someone stitched my heart inside a poisonous cage long ago,
I sit there on candy shelves, all alone yet surrounded with pretty little geisha dolls,
A world of mediocrity made of broken glass and caked paint.
One day was different, because one day you opened the door
And I was taken in rapture at your crystalline blue figure, with lights around you,
Staring into your eyes that hold emotions in a dark livid pool,
Something unlike the glass eyes of geisha dolls.
So everyday I began to wish on clichéd twinkling stars and wax candles,
Wishing that you would slowly start to pull the stitches away to my heart
Working your way around its cyanide poisoning to where it retains some form
In golden crystals that are brilliantly bright, and I hope you come to realize they shine for you.

Afraid to say
Iodine Liquid between our sensual touches,

Leaking out of our porous candy tinted skin,
Of course we conceal ourselves with masks,
Very carefully constructed of sour green Mache,
Erroneously we keep them on, because it’s our shield,

Yielding blows from each others’ nicotine flavored guns,
Otherwise known as an emotion that weaves danger on its loom,
Using threads of nipping lies and leathery chains to get its way.


I absolutely adore the imagry in From Outside Dolls' Eyes. Very very good piece. I feel you could still tweak it though. "Mediocrity", "cliched", and "cyanide" jump out to me as a bit out of place. Cyanide because it's adding nothing particularly new to the image, cliched because you can trust the reader to think "cliche" by just saying twinkling stars (trust the reader, it's hard, I know, but it works), and mediocrity because I think you could choose a more effective word there.

As for the others...I'm not particularly a fan, but that is just my opinion. Very good promise, though!

Have you tried form poetry? I feel it works wonders. Meter and rhyme can be amazing weapons, along with alliteration. ^^