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Critique: Rate My Story!

Jetharius

Member
Fluffy, I read through it and I'm going to be a brutally honest here, I personally felt it to be very linear. I had a hard time connecting to any emotive elements with the characters and the plot felt very straight forward. The very direct form of foreshadowing from Lyons' especially ruined any sense of drama from the climax for me. You have a good foundation and a great idea, I just felt that all of the stuff before the pyramid scene was just a buildup to get to this one line: ""The pyramids cannot exist without a mummy... And an archaeologist cannot exist without the Pyramids.""

If you would like I can break down some other area's that I felt could be improved upon and give you some comments on those sections, but I would rather not spam the sub-forum. PM me if you would like more specific feedback. I hope that this was helpful and I hope you don't find this to be too negative.
 
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