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Reflection

Fenrari

Prince of Wolves
First of all breathe. Take a deep breathe, and exhale.

I'm out in Utah in a sparse little lonely place that amazingly enough has wifi that I can tap into. And so I'm typing this wondering and dreaming, and moving forward in thought processes.

This was originally going to be a rant of how I hate being in bumfuck nowhere, without internet or cellphone reception and sometimes lacking electricity even... But I've learned something. Something about myself and I guess that's the important thing in this life. (Oh did I mention that I'm on a trip with the family...)

In the serenity of nowhere land. Cut off from all the friends whom I hold dear and getting bitched at by the parents for everything from my lack of a girlfriend (I'm gay :p), to taking a semester off from school, oh the best one was that my parents didn't beat me enough as a kid (something about how all the Asian kids need to be beat and all the Americans went to church and how because of my status as a first gen immigrant, they didn't raise me correctly)... I was finally able to reflect on my life.

It took 7 days out of this 9 day trip to finally be able to reflect. I was lying my head back against a sandstone wall. The natural sculpture behind me of course a part of Arches National Park in Utah. Wanna know what it looks like? http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/295980_2244567484489_1557181076_2294619_7057962_n.jpg

oh and here's me... http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/299520_2244571524590_1557181076_2294644_2427787_n.jpg

Well anyway. I realized one thing. I'm afraid. Not of one specific thing but of many.

I'm afraid of myself. Of what I'm capable of. Of who I am and of everything that's remotely future related. Oh and I'm deathly afraid of heights.

Fear is something that's consuming me for the past few days now. Days that have dragged onto weeks. Of getting expelled/having my diploma revoked, losing my boyfriend, of a zombie apocalypse... I'm trying my best to not worry so much as my anxiety attacks really don't help me.

But as I've reflected on how much I'm afraid of everything. I have come to one conclusion.

I have people who care about me. Their strength stops me from imploding into myself. Thank You.


Tl;dr - Afraid of many things and life is stressful. But knows my friends care for me and I'm able to move on.
 

Krystal Harmonia

RAIN BO DAH!
Wow, that was beautiful. I mean it. And I know how you feel. This summer has been amazing for me. I've broken out of my shell, met loads of new people, and am less afraid to share who I really am. These last few months have been a time of personal growth for me, and, it seems, you as well.

I'm really glad that you were able to take the time to reflect, it's always a good thing. Just remember to keep your head up, don't let the parents get to you, and watch your back for zombies.
 

Eske

Don't believe the mask...
I'm glad you found a bit of inner peace and time to reflect on your life. I always think that's important, and I wish more people would give it a try. :)

I actually used to do deep meditation sessions, but I only really found what I was looking for when I moved to a place near a dense forest, where I could go sit and enjoy the silence and appreciate the natural world (not to mention escaping from home conflicts).
 

Alderic

Member
That's wonderful that you realized these things ^w^ This summer has been...Alright for me. My gf(ex) left me,but who cares :D? She was a bitch. Not to diss but really the best word. I've met new people,a new best friend,in touch with some old friends through a website,and hopefully becoming a part of my friends Wolf pack. o Wo;; I also have anxiety,All i have to say is..try to take deep breathes and take life in steps ^w^ Hope it helped a little.
 

Radiohead

Apply directly to forehead.
I used to self-reflect until I realized that I'm a scary person and I really don't want to think about it beyond affirmation of what I already know.
 

Alderic

Member
I used to self-reflect until I realized that I'm a scary person and I really don't want to think about it beyond affirmation of what I already know.
The things I am ACTUALLY capable of are quite scary.. I try my best to keep a cool head so I don't harm anyone. (I do martial arts--Can put dents into my punching bag with hands and feet,also break boards and such)
 

Krystal Harmonia

RAIN BO DAH!
I sometimes spend upwards of 20 minutes looking at myself in the mirror, wondering, "Is that person on the wall really me? Is that who I really am?"

That's some deep shit right there.
 

Alderic

Member
I sometimes spend upwards of 20 minutes looking at myself in the mirror, wondering, "Is that person on the wall really me? Is that who I really am?"

That's some deep shit right there.
I've done something like that before. I think "There is no way that's me..That's someone else,Maybe i'm looking through someone else's eyes."
 

Radiohead

Apply directly to forehead.
The things I am ACTUALLY capable of are quite scary.. I try my best to keep a cool head so I don't harm anyone. (I do martial arts--Can put dents into my punching bag with hands and feet,also break boards and such)
Let's just say I'm a very angry histrionic person and thinking about that too much will inevitably end in some sort of mental breakdown. To the OP: it's good you can reflect without much backlash.
 

Krystal Harmonia

RAIN BO DAH!
It's quite strange..but how do you ever know?

(hippie moment)

You just know, man.

(back to normal)

No, I have no idea. People judge others by what they look like way too often. Especially nowadays.
 

Alderic

Member
(hippie moment)

You just know, man.

(back to normal)

No, I have no idea. People judge others by what they look like way too often. Especially nowadays.
It's really a shame. I think it's awful that society has been pushed to the point to where women have to dress so..Skimpy for other girls not to ridicule her. I'm a guy and I don't even approve.
 

Krystal Harmonia

RAIN BO DAH!
I'm a girl, and I dress how I want. Which is usualy not skimpy at all.
 

Krystal Harmonia

RAIN BO DAH!
Agreed. You seem to fit in well here, for a n00b. Which is what I was told when I first joined.

Good luck, young one. And beware the admins. Especially that Ramsay_Baggins.
 

Alderic

Member
Agreed. You seem to fit in well here, for a n00b. Which is what I was told when I first joined.

Good luck, young one. And beware the admins. Especially that Ramsay_Baggins.
Thank you :3 I try to get along with everyone. Simply because you said the name,it makes me that much more scared XD Anyways,Nice getting to know you ^w^
 

Krystal Harmonia

RAIN BO DAH!
BTW, don't doublepost, like you did up above. Learn and use the Edits button.
 

Krystal Harmonia

RAIN BO DAH!
I know what that means, at least. I do have German grandparents. Glad I could be of service. Maybe we should stop derailing this thread and get back on task before a mod shows up...
 

Alderic

Member
I know what that means, at least. I do have German grandparents. Glad I could be of service. Maybe we should stop derailing this thread and get back on task before a mod shows up...
Sounds good :3 and that's awesome :D I'll send you a friend request,feel free to add comments on my profile.


TO OP: I'm glad you got in touch though,Sorry to re-say it xD
 

Azure

100% organic vegan hubbas
The real trick is to keep going when you know no one cares at all, THAT is a real lesson. Anybody can self analyze, the real trick is finding meaning without bouncing it off of tangible validation sources.
 
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