Reinitiating/Initiating conversations
- Thread starter Kope
- Start date
Fluxbender
Active Member
I have the same issue with initiating conversations that don't start with questions, but you don't have to be the initiator to keep a conversation going. Very few want to hold conversations with people they don't know that last longer than an hour or so these days, so you may not be doing anything wrong. The ghosting is ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone meets new people anymore with such anti-social behavior. It was so much easier when I was younger.
Chaosmasterdelta
Rule Breaker
Maybe they can't think of anything else to talk about?
Kope
Artist?
Maybe
Fluxbender
Active Member
I am guilty of this sometimes. It's hard when you haven't talked to too many people in a while.
The_Happiest_Husky
Actually a dog
I am like, so awful with starting conversations. I'm good once we got a topic going but starting it, ack. Esp if it's not one of my main couple friends
Miles Marsalis
The Last DJ.
When you are talking with someone, especially if it's on here, it might help find out what they want to talk about and discuss that, since that is more likely to interest and engage them. You also want to ask them themselves so you can better get to know them and figure whether you both have things in common which could talk about.
A lot conversation are cut short because someone would rather talk about themselves or what they like instead of who the other person is and what they want.
A lot conversation are cut short because someone would rather talk about themselves or what they like instead of who the other person is and what they want.
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Balskarr
The Lurking Hooman
Have to agree with this. It sounds bad to say it out loud but the general internet populace is unfortunately comprised of a cocktail of self-interest, anti-social behaviour and anxiety all in varying amount.
Approaching someone with topics that interest them are the best way to really keep conversation. The key is to maintain interest so that you can, over time, overcome the barriers many (including myself admittedly) have put up over the years.
Miles Marsalis
The Last DJ.
I'd disagree about the internet community and people in general being anti-social, though sometimes that is a factor. Most people want to talk and enjoy some company at least some of the time. The problem is they might not be the best conversationalists, which can stall a lot of conversations. People might ask awkward questions or bring topics that the other person might not want to discuss with strangers. You, generally speaking, also can't expect to talk mainly about what you want to someone you just met either; on the internet or in real life, that will usually turn people off because most people want their say to be heard too. It's got to be give and take.
You need to be willing to talk about what the other person wants to and you need to listen to what they have to say. Both those things are life skills and they're important to remember anytime you meet or talk to someone.
There are also a bunch of problems particular to having conversations on the internet that hamper talking for long as well too, and I feel these are probably the most likely reasons talks get cut short.
1. Most conversations on the internet are typed out, not actually talked through, and a lot of people hate writing in general. It's easier to talk on a voice call because ... you're just talking and almost everybody find that easier that talking. Now, a lot of people don't want to talk on voice calls for decent reasons shyness, privacy, or background noise, so that isn't always a viable alternative to text-based messaging. That is part of reason I prefer voice calls with friends when I can do them, but a lot of lean towards text because it does have benefits. For instance, a person doesn't have to be on for them to receive your DM and it's easier to carry on multiple conversations at once via DMs that via voice or phone calls. It's also easier to DM people you're on mobile and or doing other stuff.
Another problem with text-based messages is that people tend to organize their written thoughts differently than in a free-flowing conversation, which can take more time and effort. They also may not talk about certain things that they would effortlessly in a spoken conversation.
2. If you're talking to someone on the internet, you need to cognizant they're probably doing other at the moment as well too and not sitting in front their computer typing. Like, I'll admit that while I'm DMing at home, I'm at least talking to one of my housemates in person and either doing house stuff, reading, streaming, or browsing which draws away my attention. Sometimes I talk to people during mini-breaks or lunch breaks at work and I have to ghost, which I get complaints about, justifiably. With pandemic, a lot of my friends are on Discord and Duo now, so it can be overwhelming to keep up with everybody too.
I'm sure other people similarly have to deal with real life situations that draw them away from online conversations as well and we need to recognize that everyone isn't available to talk all the time, but it might help to explain to people what is going on in your life too, they know you're not ghosting on them. I try to do that as much as possible, but sometimes I don't have the time too.
Others run into the same problem too.
3. Since we're talking about conversations over the internet, it's worth pointing out that people can be cagey about talking to strangers on the internet, especially people who aren't men, because people can be creepy on the internet. Using a microcosm we're all familiar with, I've had female friends on here who have got spectacularly creepy messages here from total strangers which put them off talking to people they don't know and made them lock their DMs. It's a problem on a lot of platforms and women tend to more careful than men about who they talk to, for understandable reasons, and guys could be sensitive to that.
4. Another thing I've noticed here, and I'm not certain I'm going to get this across well, is that a portion of people here want serious and fulfilling conversations ... but don't talk in a manner most people will find serious and fulfilling. Like, I see in Last Post Wins and the other chat threads that users joke around, roleplay, and speak in a playful and childish manner, which is fine for the thread and this is a furry forum. But while that kind of talk and roleplaying can be fun in short term ... you can't really expect people to carry on with it forever, especially if you want to laid the foundation with conversations for a lasting friendship, which I'm this is thread is really about.
This isn't to say that serious conversations don't happen here; in Vent Thread and DMs I've had some real talks with people and I've seen conversations here where people have been serious and supportive of each other. But if you're talking to someone via DMs and you're speaking like a second grader, roleplaying constantly, and unwilling to be serious and hear them out about real shit ... you can't expect them to hold up their end of the conversation. It's give and take.
I don't really know what else to add, so I'm just ending here.
Fluxbender
Active Member
True. You definitely wouldn't catch me around a dating site, or even a roleplay forum.
That must be a small percentage on the net in general because I rarely see people who want serious discussion anymore. Most are as you say, all about the jokes and memes and 'fluff' interactions (or arguments and/or trolling).
I have noticed that people have become more about the 'entertainment value' than the conversation. They treat others like they treat silly videos on YouTube; they stick around until they get bored, and then they leave. That's nowhere near enough time to get to know anyone.
Maybe it's time for me to forget about the internet and start trying to find people in person…
Miles Marsalis
The Last DJ.
Honestly, I think it's always best to have a core of real life friends you hold you down and to be there for each other. One of the sucky things about the pandemic was I couldn't hang out with a lot of friends in real life and the only friends I did meet up with were about a dozen people who agreed form a "pod" and act sensibly. That core and my girlfriend basically got me through the pandemic, though I'm hoping this summer is more normal.
I'd definitely say you need real life friends, but I'm made a lot of good online friends as well too.
But I've only seen kind of talk I mentioned here and somewhat in the fandom; like, outside of the fandom I don't people roleplaying every motion in a conversation and OWOing. I'm not saying other platforms are bastions of deep conversation either, but I don't see that stuff on them.
That said, I wouldn't mind talking sometime, if you want to.
CrowFoxy
Member
*Spends 15 minutes nervously trying to think of one thing to say*
*Ends up saying nothing*
;-; and I used to seem to be able to at least talk a bit
Fluxbender
Active Member
Based. I was very good at initiating and carrying conversations as a kid (maybe too much to the point of being annoying), and now I struggle with it. Used to think it was just anxiety, but now I wonder if some 'spark' has faded with time and experience.
Miles Marsalis
The Last DJ.
Also, stating the obvious, a good way to start a conversation is to ask the person how they're doing. It lets them know you care (which you probably do if you're talking to them), lets you know how they're doing, and it gets the conversation going.
They should also ask how you're doing too.
They should also ask how you're doing too.
reptile logic
An imposter among aliens.
Responding here as 'the generic listener/the other person': If you have something to 'say', I'm happy to 'hear' it. If, however, you (the other in the conversation) only want someone to vent to, or to tell all of your (very long list of) troubles to, then I will quickly grow tired of the conversation. One must be able to come across as more than an unending source of woe and worry.
As well as being capable of listening to what the other has to say, one must have more to offer than their ugly, needy side. If that side is all one has to offer to others, then one's conversations are doomed to be short and unsatisfying, for both parties.
As well as being capable of listening to what the other has to say, one must have more to offer than their ugly, needy side. If that side is all one has to offer to others, then one's conversations are doomed to be short and unsatisfying, for both parties.
Troj
Your Friendly Neighborhood Dino Therapist
Yeah, I often struggle to keep conversations afloat--but, then, there are situations where I find the flow with somebody and feel like I could converse with them for hours! It seems to depend on a number of factors--most notably, how the conversation itself starts out.
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Fluxbender
Active Member
This is right around where my brain has an error and goes into blue screen mode. Call it 'imposter syndrome' or maybe 'perfectionist paralysis' but I always feel that it's 'not good enough' of an opener and/or I just see it as 'too simple', so I just... don't initiate.
Connor J. Coyote
¥otie ¥otezer
Well, if it "dies off" then in my mind- that means that it's already started, right?
So... by replying more and following up with them more.... it may give them the message that the conversation is still relevant and interesting to you - and they may in turn wish to follow up and continue it.
Kope
Artist?
Too much work
Connor J. Coyote
¥otie ¥otezer
Conversations are work..... they don't function without it. Good ones need some elbow grease once and a while.
Kope
Artist?
I hate greaseConversations are work..... they don't function without it. Good ones need some elbow grease once and a while.
reptile logic
An imposter among aliens.
Do nothing, initiate nothing, and don't bother with people at all. Continue to stew alone. This effortless approach will net you a quiet life, devoid of the work inherent to meaningful friendships.
Kope
Artist?
Sounds cool
