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Relationships with a furry

uwuabolisher

New Member
Recently, my girlfriend told me she was a furry. It was something I had despised in past, but I loved her too much to break off our relationship over something as trivial as that. I totally support her participation in furry art and interaction with the furry community, but the idea of her getting a fursuit scares me. I never considered her to be interested in the physical aspect of furries, and its something that for whatever reason repulses me. She really does enjoy being a furry and interacting with other furries, but her interest almost seems a little too involved. She uses Amino, some community messenger app, and I know her username but am too scared to check her account. It doesn't feel right to lurk like that either. I don't want to confront her about my discomfort in her involvement, because I know it makes her happy. It's almost as I wish she just wasn't a furry, that it just wasn't something i'd have to worry about. Shes talked about going to Anthrocon or something before, and is willing to commission a partial fursuit, for a couple hundred dollars. That seems so extravagantly needless, especially since her only description of what you do in a fursuit is "Have a fun romp". I've tried to get more out of her, but she'd just laugh and ignore it/ me. There's no one I can talk to of my friends about this, as i'm sure they'd have a more impulsive negative reaction. She hasn't told anyone besides her closest friends and me, and wants to keep it that way. Shes tried to recruit me even, wondering if id like it if I give it a try. I'm not really interested in talking about furries with her, though it still seems to be a common topic. I enjoy talking with her, but more and more it ends up in a discussion about her plans for getting a fursuit, or making one, or stories from the community. I really just want to go back to what I had with her before, without hurting her feelings. I wonder if this is something I can just wait out, or something id need to make a decision about and take action. I want to believe its just a passing interest or a phase, but from what I've heard it doesn't seem like that's too common.
 

BunBunArt

Princess Bunny ♥
Um... I don't understand what's the problem exactly? She likes something you don't? I like furries too and my boyfriend doesn't... and it never has been an issue for us, we live together and it's totally fine. I even show him that I draw +18 furries and he's ok with it, but he never asks to see more because he's not interested in them and I understant and doesn't bother me at all, so the only thing that cames to my mind is you don't trust her, that thing ruins relationships. In a relationship you can't agree on everything, or like all the same stuff. But if it bothers you so much I think you shoud talk to her.

Not sure if others agree but I don't like non-honest relationships, I think it's a waste of time if you're having a bad time, there's no point. Sacrifice in a relationship is important, yes.... like ok, I accept you leave clothes around the house, fine. But not when it comes to this level. Not healthy.

Just my opinion, though x.x
 
O

Okami_No_Heishi

Guest
I would say this:
Screenshot_2018-07-03-00-31-02-1.png
 

bhutrflai

Okami The Wolf is my crazy half!
Wow. I could have written this post almost word for word, 2 & 1/2 yrs ago.
Imagine for a sec that you and your mate have been together for 16yrs, both hovering at 40yrs old, when you discover furries for the first time. And when that discovery ignites a spark in one of you, that kinda flames to a bonfire in a matter of hours...
It was overwhelming to say the least.

I wasn't completely anti-furry, but I sure had my doubts. There are a hell of a lot of stigmas attached to this fandom, and I had to see that most here just want to chat with someone, even if it's thru the keyboard. The one connection of furries allows other interests to come out and add more connections. Which is not a bad thing.

On the fursuit issue, that seems to be the holy grail for most furries. Okami has wanted one since the first day he knew there was such a thing. I have heard about it, not everyday but close, for the last 2&1/2 yrs. I just kind of roll my eyes & shake my head. One day when he's all growed up & our kids are out of college, then he can start saving his pennies to have one made. You gotta have priorities, but as long as everything is paid, why not enjoy the fruits of your labor? Even if it is to just be silly and play in the park or at a con?

Be open-minded. And be honest. I know you don't want to dull her happiness, but she deserves to know how you feel. Don't let this fester into boiling over, because that tends to end negatively. But if you feel like there is a future for your relationship, then you need to talk to her.

I wish y'all the best in whatever outcome is to be. But know that most furries are harmless and only want to make new friends.
 

Yakamaru

Very Speshul Title
Differences in hobbies/interests can and will vary, and is a fact of life. Don't let the difference in hobbies separate you, or you are focusing on the wrong things.

If you are going to let something as trivial as a difference in hobbies get between you and your girlfriend you may want to look at what you actually want out of the relationship.
 

Keefur

aka Cutter Cat
Recently, my girlfriend told me she was a furry. It was something I had despised in past, but I loved her too much to break off our relationship over something as trivial as th.

I like to think that I am kind of an expert on fursuiting. I wrote a very empassioned essay about it in a book called "Furries Among Us" that won an Ursa Major award in 2015. From what you are saying, it sounds like you don't really understand the concepts of why people fursuit. While I don't presume to speak for everybody that fursuits, I can tell you what motivates me. I do it for the tremendous emotional feedback from the people that I perform for, and fursuiting is really just a performance. I have literally brought people to tears with the joy of what I bring. Call it a drug, call it what you will, but fursuiting is addictive in a good way. It is no different than those people who cosplay at reraissance fairs, or star wars and anime conventions. Over the holidays, I got to go to the Bass Pro Shop in Memphis. It's the really big branch in the pyramid down by the Mississippi River. I went with two other friends in fursuit. We couldn't take three steps without being stopped by someone wanting photos of themselves and/or their kids with us. These are fond memories people will have their whole lives. What better gift can you give than that? The gift I get in return is get the good feelings from doing something to brighten somone's life a little.:)
 
A

Aznig

Guest
I’m a total furfag in a relationship with a non-furry, and everything works quite well for us. She respects my hobby and interests and I respect hers. That’s all this really is honestly, just another hobby. It is a bit more odd than most, but certainly a hobby all the same. Just as I have hobbies my girlfriend isn’t interested in, she has hobbies that I’m not interested in. It’s normal for couples to have differing interests. It’s weird and new for you I’d guess, but you should love her for who she is. I’m sure you too have hobbies she’s not particularly interested in, and would probably feel bad if she saw you as weird for enjoying those. Keep an open mind and heart, and always remain honest when trying to maintain a relationship.

I truly do wish you and your gf the best.
 

Bitterfangs

Member
She sounds like she's in the honeymoon phase with the fandom. Where you leap in and go AAAAH I NEED A SUIT AND TO GO TO ANTHROCON AND GET 30 BADGES AAAAAAAH

It slows down, but in general if you've gotten an interest in this weird group, it's not something she's gonna "grow out of" or anything.


I don't want to confront her about my discomfort in her involvement, because I know it makes her happy..

You will have to, because you are an adult ( I presume?) in a relationship. Uncomfortable conversations happen. You are harboring negative feelings about something she is trying to involve you in, and something she seems very actively participating in. It's not a pleasant conversation, but you will have to be a mature adult and suck it up and have that conversation.
No amount of advice here will change that. this is your relationship. Have the uncomfortable talk. Because that's a normal part of having a HEALTHY relationship.

However, good things to keep in mind: Use "I" statements. Not "Your furry obsession grosses me the hell out", but "I feel uncomfortable with this fandom, because of (X/Y/Z)." "I do not feel a connection to this fandom, so discussing it is very one-sided and unpleasant for me.", "I feel distant from you because this is such a foreign thing to me that I do not think I can connect to, ever".
Be kind, be gentle, be HONEST, and do not evade the conversation because it's easier to bottle it up.

I think it's great you came here for advice, it shows you care. I'm sorry the fandom squicks you out, but honestly, that's a great aspect of people. We are all into weird stuff. Different stuff. So it's not the fandom for you, but hey, we get it. Trust me. Furries know very well how insufferable (many) furries can be.
 
Recently, my girlfriend told me she was a furry. It was something I had despised in past, but I loved her too much to break off our relationship over something as trivial as that. I totally support her participation in furry art and interaction with the furry community, but the idea of her getting a fursuit scares me. I never considered her to be interested in the physical aspect of furries, and its something that for whatever reason repulses me. She really does enjoy being a furry and interacting with other furries, but her interest almost seems a little too involved. She uses Amino, some community messenger app, and I know her username but am too scared to check her account. It doesn't feel right to lurk like that either. I don't want to confront her about my discomfort in her involvement, because I know it makes her happy. It's almost as I wish she just wasn't a furry, that it just wasn't something i'd have to worry about. Shes talked about going to Anthrocon or something before, and is willing to commission a partial fursuit, for a couple hundred dollars. That seems so extravagantly needless, especially since her only description of what you do in a fursuit is "Have a fun romp". I've tried to get more out of her, but she'd just laugh and ignore it/ me. There's no one I can talk to of my friends about this, as i'm sure they'd have a more impulsive negative reaction. She hasn't told anyone besides her closest friends and me, and wants to keep it that way. Shes tried to recruit me even, wondering if id like it if I give it a try. I'm not really interested in talking about furries with her, though it still seems to be a common topic. I enjoy talking with her, but more and more it ends up in a discussion about her plans for getting a fursuit, or making one, or stories from the community. I really just want to go back to what I had with her before, without hurting her feelings. I wonder if this is something I can just wait out, or something id need to make a decision about and take action. I want to believe its just a passing interest or a phase, but from what I've heard it doesn't seem like that's too common.

Communication is key in a relationship. If there are aspects about her being a furry that trouble you, I suggest you talk to her in a non-confrontational way and express your concerns. I suspect she would happy to address them. You can ask us in the forum, too). I definitely don't recommend any action to resembles spying; that's a breach of trust and is not likely to go well. There's a lot of misinformation out there so if you hear something scary, don't panic.

I'm thinking that getting a fursuit is a pretty big deal for furries. They are expensive because of the extensive amount of work and personality that goes into crafting them. I don't know her so I can't say this applies, but from many I've spoken to, the suit is at least partially an extension of the wearer's personality that he or she has reservations about expressing openly.

Some do leave the fandom for various reasons but if acquiring a suit is imminent, it probably won't be any time soon.
 

Ziggy Schlacht

Hasn't figured out this "straight" business
So, aside from talking to her, there's one thing worth adding - sit down and figure out what your exact issues are. Is it she's obsessed with the fandom at the expense of all else? That's one issue. Are you afraid of losing her to another furry? That's an entirely different issue. You might find after some thinking the furry thing is entirely not the problem, it's something else but the furry stuff is triggering it. Or it is entirely the furry stuff. Either way, it would make the conversation easier if you had your issues sorted out prior.

Granted, I'm not you, or her, so this might be easier said than done. But I'd sit down and try to figure out what exactly you're taking issue with.
 

Troj

Your Friendly Neighborhood Dino Therapist
Well, as a starting point, substitute words like "furry" with words like "sports" or "anime" or "Marvel movies," and words like "fursuit" with "cosplay."

If your concerns now sound trivial or weird, then your main problem may just be irrational bias or bigotry.

If your concerns still sound valid, then they probably are.

It's important to keep in mind that any hobby or interest has the potential to become an addiction or an obsession, or be "weaponized" to become something toxic, and that every fandom, group, and tribe has its share of obnoxious people, predators, and total duds.
 

Keefur

aka Cutter Cat
I have been reading the statements above. I agree with them for the most part. I view the Fandom like communism. In theory, it is really great, but then you introduce the human element and it becomes a train wreck. Don't let the actions of a few Furries that did bad things put you off of the Fandom. You have to consider that the Fandom has no "membership" guidelines and that anyone can "claim" to be a Furry. Some of these claimants do some really bad things, but they shouldn't spoil the Fandom for the thousands and thousands that are good people. In other words, don't let other people's thoughts influence your decision about Furries. You will find that almost all Furry trolls have no real life experience with Furries and only troll them because it is viewed by some as a "popular" thing to do. If you don't make a connection with the Fandom, that's OK. If everyone did, it wouldn't be a Fandom, it would be society. lol. If you dissolve your relationship with your girlfriend over her being a Furry, then you are basically saying that you don't trust her judgement about life decisions, because I view the Fandom, religion, political affiliation, etc., as core values. Any time you mess with someone's core values, you are pretty much fighting a losing battle. In the end, this is really your choice as to whether you trust your relationship or not and it is all on you whether it all works out or not.
 
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Fallowfox

Are we moomin, or are we dancer?
Well, as a starting point, substitute words like "furry" with words like "sports" or "anime" or "Marvel movies," and words like "fursuit" with "cosplay."

If your concerns now sound trivial or weird, then your main problem may just be irrational bias or bigotry.

If your concerns still sound valid, then they probably are.

It's important to keep in mind that any hobby or interest has the potential to become an addiction or an obsession, or be "weaponized" to become something toxic, and that every fandom, group, and tribe has its share of obnoxious people, predators, and total duds.

I'm on the look out for a box marked
"Stamp collection (Weapons grade)"
now
 

BackPaw

Resident Foxy Ape
If you love her it shouldn't matter if you have separate interests on top of those you share. BTW, fursuiting absolutely rocks! You get to dress up as a big cartoon animal for a few hours and act like a complete idiot.....AND PEOPLE HUG YOU FOR IT!!! Just as you can't understand the appeal I can't understand how someone wouldn't want to give it a try.
 

Saiko

GTWT Survivor
Recently, my girlfriend told me she was a furry. It was something I had despised in past, but I loved her too much to break off our relationship over something as trivial as that. I totally support her participation in furry art and interaction with the furry community, but the idea of her getting a fursuit scares me. I never considered her to be interested in the physical aspect of furries, and its something that for whatever reason repulses me. She really does enjoy being a furry and interacting with other furries, but her interest almost seems a little too involved. She uses Amino, some community messenger app, and I know her username but am too scared to check her account. It doesn't feel right to lurk like that either. I don't want to confront her about my discomfort in her involvement, because I know it makes her happy. It's almost as I wish she just wasn't a furry, that it just wasn't something i'd have to worry about. Shes talked about going to Anthrocon or something before, and is willing to commission a partial fursuit, for a couple hundred dollars. That seems so extravagantly needless, especially since her only description of what you do in a fursuit is "Have a fun romp". I've tried to get more out of her, but she'd just laugh and ignore it/ me. There's no one I can talk to of my friends about this, as i'm sure they'd have a more impulsive negative reaction. She hasn't told anyone besides her closest friends and me, and wants to keep it that way. Shes tried to recruit me even, wondering if id like it if I give it a try. I'm not really interested in talking about furries with her, though it still seems to be a common topic. I enjoy talking with her, but more and more it ends up in a discussion about her plans for getting a fursuit, or making one, or stories from the community. I really just want to go back to what I had with her before, without hurting her feelings. I wonder if this is something I can just wait out, or something id need to make a decision about and take action. I want to believe its just a passing interest or a phase, but from what I've heard it doesn't seem like that's too common.
Hmmmm, I think this is a good learning opportunity for you, in several areas. First, notice the kind of language you use towards the fandom: despised, repulsive, scary, needlessly extravagant. Why is that? There are very few things that warrant such a visceral response, and the vast majority of those are illegal. I think you should spend some time thinking about why you feel that way, and I think you should be prepared to find those feelings unjustified. Be aware that variations of "it's gross" or "it's weird" may answer "why" but don't count as justifications.

The second thing is your choice of language regarding the relationship. You're concerned over her interests and have considered checking her accounts for your approval. You talk about waiting out a phase, wanting to go back to "the way things were," and wondering if you need to "take action." I can understand being burned out on a partner/friend obsessing over something you have zero interest in. It's definitely annoying as hell, and it can indeed break a young relationship. But your reaction borders on being invasive, controlling, and elitist. Relationships are voluntary, and your partner isn't obligated to submit their hobbies for your approval. It's fair to be frustrated over her obsessing over the fandom, and perhaps fair to break up over that obsession depending on specifics; but you don't get to audit or suppress her hobbies. Your role is to be a partner, not a life coach.
 

Connor J. Coyote

Well-Known Member
Recently, my girlfriend told me she was a furry. It was something I had despised in past, but I loved her too much to break off our relationship over something as trivial as that. I totally support her participation in furry art and interaction with the furry community, but the idea of her getting a fursuit scares me. I never considered her to be interested in the physical aspect of furries, and its something that for whatever reason repulses me. She really does enjoy being a furry and interacting with other furries, but her interest almost seems a little too involved. She uses Amino, some community messenger app, and I know her username but am too scared to check her account. It doesn't feel right to lurk like that either. I don't want to confront her about my discomfort in her involvement, because I know it makes her happy. It's almost as I wish she just wasn't a furry, that it just wasn't something i'd have to worry about. Shes talked about going to Anthrocon or something before, and is willing to commission a partial fursuit, for a couple hundred dollars. That seems so extravagantly needless, especially since her only description of what you do in a fursuit is "Have a fun romp". I've tried to get more out of her, but she'd just laugh and ignore it/ me. There's no one I can talk to of my friends about this, as i'm sure they'd have a more impulsive negative reaction. She hasn't told anyone besides her closest friends and me, and wants to keep it that way. Shes tried to recruit me even, wondering if id like it if I give it a try. I'm not really interested in talking about furries with her, though it still seems to be a common topic. I enjoy talking with her, but more and more it ends up in a discussion about her plans for getting a fursuit, or making one, or stories from the community. I really just want to go back to what I had with her before, without hurting her feelings. I wonder if this is something I can just wait out, or something id need to make a decision about and take action. I want to believe its just a passing interest or a phase, but from what I've heard it doesn't seem like that's too common.

Hmmm... welp, it sounds like you ought to just sit down with her and talk it out; and discuss your uneasiness with the Fandom (and how you dislike it); as perhaps a compromise is an option for you both - where she keeps her interests about it away from you, and you can still maintain your relationship at the same time?

That'd probably be a more productive approach to dealing with it.

If she's "head over heels" into the Fandom and talks and deals with it constantly every day, then - your discomfort is now a serious enough concern to warrant a very frank discussion with her - before disaster strikes.

Different people can have different interests and still be compatibale. And so, not all hope is necessarily lost.

Give it a try. ;)
 

TeruTeruPonzu

New Member
Hah - my boyfriend raised the same concern when I started doing furry art - he was totally afraid I was going to put him in a bear suit and drag him to bed. I laughed at him, too.
People in the furry community have different interests. For example, I love the art, but have no interest in fursuits.

And in all relationships, both parties won't always like the same thing. Just let her know, kindly but firmly, where you draw the line.
 

Fallowfox

Are we moomin, or are we dancer?
Hah - my boyfriend raised the same concern when I started doing furry art - he was totally afraid I was going to put him in a bear suit and drag him to bed. I laughed at him, too.
People in the furry community have different interests. For example, I love the art, but have no interest in fursuits.

And in all relationships, both parties won't always like the same thing. Just let her know, kindly but firmly, where you draw the line.

Most boyfriends probably wouldn't complain about that to be honest!
 

Nihles

Pet foxxo
It should warrant that they are many different ways people engage with furries - ask her if she just wants to dress up, if she likes the art, SFW RP, or on the more intense participation side people get into the 18+ activities and adult roleplay.

If she just wants to dress up and dance and goof off once a month, that's waaay different from those of us that constantly roleplay and live out a second life online. Both furries are perfectly fine by me.
 
L

loligoo

Guest
Recently, my girlfriend told me she was a furry. It was something I had despised in past, but I loved her too much to break off our relationship over something as trivial as that. I totally support her participation in furry art and interaction with the furry community, but the idea of her getting a fursuit scares me. I never considered her to be interested in the physical aspect of furries, and its something that for whatever reason repulses me. She really does enjoy being a furry and interacting with other furries, but her interest almost seems a little too involved. She uses Amino, some community messenger app, and I know her username but am too scared to check her account. It doesn't feel right to lurk like that either. I don't want to confront her about my discomfort in her involvement, because I know it makes her happy. It's almost as I wish she just wasn't a furry, that it just wasn't something i'd have to worry about. Shes talked about going to Anthrocon or something before, and is willing to commission a partial fursuit, for a couple hundred dollars. That seems so extravagantly needless, especially since her only description of what you do in a fursuit is "Have a fun romp". I've tried to get more out of her, but she'd just laugh and ignore it/ me. There's no one I can talk to of my friends about this, as i'm sure they'd have a more impulsive negative reaction. She hasn't told anyone besides her closest friends and me, and wants to keep it that way. Shes tried to recruit me even, wondering if id like it if I give it a try. I'm not really interested in talking about furries with her, though it still seems to be a common topic. I enjoy talking with her, but more and more it ends up in a discussion about her plans for getting a fursuit, or making one, or stories from the community. I really just want to go back to what I had with her before, without hurting her feelings. I wonder if this is something I can just wait out, or something id need to make a decision about and take action. I want to believe its just a passing interest or a phase, but from what I've heard it doesn't seem like that's too common.

hi ^^ i understand this concerns you, especially the part about fursuits, which are very expensive. since you doesn't take interest in furry stuff, i get that you feel like she'd be throwing away money.
but i learned from time that the best way is communication. i think you should tell her that you're a lil worried. as a furry i can't see the concerns from your view but i can definitely imagine them!
try to explain it kindly, let me remind you, it's okay to have different interests in a relationship ♥ but if her hobbies effect you too much, try sitting down with her and tell her how you feel.
just don't force her to abandon hobbies for you ( but i'm pretty sure that's not your intention c: ). for me, communication always solved every problem that ever happened in my relationship. plus,
it's about giving AND receiving. ♥ hope this helps... and that it isn't too long XD
 
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