• Fur Affinity Forums are governed by Fur Affinity's Rules and Policies. Links and additional information can be accessed in the Site Information Forum.

semater

High King of Furgasta
Name of work in Progress: Legend of Furgasta: The Demon War

Link: www.thefurryforum.com: The Legend of Furgasta: The Demon War

Summary of Work: A young prince finds his world thrown into chaos when a demonic invasion led by his elder brother ravages the kingdom. Prince Robert must gather the survivors, make unlikely allies and fight to drive the demonic menace from his land, all while also dealing with players within the minor kingdoms, each looking to usurp the Silvermyst royal family.

Content Advisory: Some Gore, Violence

I am looking for overall critiques of my work thus far. I would ask that all critiques be separated into the following categories:
  • Grammar/spelling
  • Character development
  • Story progression & pacing
  • Other thoughts
At present, I have a prologue and two chapters, with the third currently on hold as I have run into a bit of writer's block since Chapter 3 will be centered on the characters of Lilac, Minis and Janelle and their escape to the first of the minor kingdoms that make up Furgasta.

Within the world, the anthropomorphic races have unique names, such as the Vixani and the Felipur. In the Other Thoughts section, I would ask to include how easy or difficult it is for you to translate from the visual descriptions I give as to what each race that I have presented within the story so far is in comparison to their animal counterparts. There are also some words pulled from the ancient egyptian language. I would like to know if it is easy or hard to discern what the context of the words are for one who may have never heard them before (which I imagine would be a large number of folks).

Please post your critiques here in this thread, and I thank you for your time =3
 
Last edited:

EmpressCiela

The Empress has Returned
Claiming this spot for later.
 

reptile logic

An imposter among aliens.
Have read it through. Regarding editorial work, I am far from being an expert. Here goes:

My first impressions on grammar:
There is a subtle yet disorienting feel to the way your writing moves back and forth from past to present tense, sometimes in the same paragraph.
One example: The wolven queen places[placed?] the young pup into the arms of the anubian boy. "I'm sure your little brother will be quite happy to have such a caring older brother. And such a responsible one as well!" she mused, closing her eyes with a happy smile gracing her face. Her white fluffy tail swayed behind her, quite happy to see her firstborn seem to care so much about his baby brother.
Another example: The little panda-like ursala girl jogs[jogged] up the staircase, followed shortly by Lilac. Once the two were gone from the main room, Pandora placed her hands on her side of the sphere, pads pressing against the smooth glass. “Place your hands like mine onto the sphere. Close your eyes and empty your mind of all wandering thoughts.”

An example from your story: “That evil you felt, it is already here.” She spoke, looking at Robert. ...
When quoting, a statement ending in a period traditionally goes like this: [“That evil you felt, it is already here,” she spoke, looking at Robert. ...]
If a question mark or exclamation point: ["That evil you felt, it is already here!" she shouted....]

Arguably, one could consider this as part of a writing style; just wanted to point it out.

Another unconventional paragraph style that you may want to address:
Lilu moved to her mother, clinging to her dress. “Mommy? What’s going on? I’m scared! I don’t wanna go with her! I wanna go with you!” she spoke, tears starting to build and swell within her eyes. Pandora smiles painfully, kneeling down to wrap her arms around her daughter. The seer hugs her with great strength before kissing the little girl on the nose. “You cannot come where I go. I will be watching over you, no matter what.”
It is easier on the reader's train of thought to give each voice its own paragraph; less potential confusion on who is speaking:
[Lilu moved to her mother, clinging to her dress. “Mommy? What’s going on? I’m scared! I don’t wanna go with her! I wanna go with you!” she spoke, tears starting to build and swell within her eyes.

Pandora smiles painfully, kneeling down to wrap her arms around her daughter. The seer hugs her with great strength before kissing the little girl on the nose. “You cannot come where I go. I will be watching over you, no matter what.”]

Without warning, a ravaging pain stung through Simon’s mind, disorienting him, crackles of blue energy ripple through his head before fading. “What?! Who…WHO DARES?!” the anubian[is this necessary here? Maybe use 'he'] screamed as he turned around with a vengeful fury. [new paragraph?]Before him and standing in the center of the throne room, Pandora held her wand at him. Buried in her chest was her own dagger. He[who?] breathed raggedly, staring at the anubian[Simon].

I notice, fairly frequently, an extra character space between sentences; usually after a period. Watch for those.


This is not a complete edit of the story's grammar, but may be enough for you to recognize some other issues in the piece.

Spelling, I noticed a few minor issues. I may pick them out for you later.

You personally may already recognize some of what I am mentioning. Since this critique is on a public forum, I try to speak to the general audience as well.
I'll take another look and touch on other points you asked for later.
 

semater

High King of Furgasta
Hello. Sorry for the rather lengthy delay. Things have been quite turbulent on my end, and with my attention getting pulled in many directions, I haven't been back to the forum in some time.

The change from past to present is something that does creep up on me as I'm writing. It should all be in past tense.

As far as punctuation in quotes, that is there because the sentence within the quote has ended, and what follows after the quote denotes the tone in which the words were spoken. An exclamation is saved for shouting or surprise. The period is when it is not loud. In the case of the example given, she is speaking at a quickened pace, rather than a shout or surprise.

I can certainly see making each speaking line its own paragraph.

In the Simon case, that He should be She, another issue I have with typing, that I will hit a key a bit too lightly that it does not register, yet the word itself is not an error that auto-correct picks up on.

I do like the suggestions and I will spend my time implementing them before I move on to the next chapter
 
Top