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Romance and sexuality: How do you handle them?

Yakamaru

Spookdogg
Being a biromantic Demiromantic heterosexual(as of currently writing this thread, anyway. Currently asking myself if I am this or not) things can potentially get a little complicated on my end, but I manage. I have no qualms potentially forming romantic bonds with other guys, as some of you already know. I keep romantic stuff separated from my sexuality unless they happen to coincide.

And so I got curious. How do you handle it? Do you separate romantic stuff from your sexuality? Do you keep them intertwined?
 

cam_ukemi

Closetmaster
I define my sexuality based on my sexual attractions. I am male, and I am sexually attracted to other males. So, I'm gay, right? I guess, but...I don't like using that label for myself. My personal experience has been that sexuality can be volatile. Not going to go into everything because I'm still pretty vulnerable about it (and it would take way too long to explain), but my environment and upbringing have definitely left an impact on WHO I desire and WHAT I desire in potential partners.

As for romance, I'm not pursuing that presently. I don't currently have the emotional maturity and mental stability to be able to maintain a romantic relationship. I'd like to someday be romantically involved, but it's not a good choice for me right now. That said, not being interested in pursuing that kind of relationship doesn't make the attractions lessen or go away. I've just had to learn to deal with them. It feels pretty sucky, not going to lie.

So...I suppose I keep sexuality and romantic pretty separate, too. I'll add that even though I'm not sexually attracted to females, I've always dreamed to have a wife and daughters. Being "gay" hasn't really changed that dream, just made that harder to achieve.

It's incredibly difficult to find people to have these conversations with IRL...Thank you for opening this discussion, Yakamura!
 

Erix

>‿‿◕
I am a special case ;)

I don’t mess with romance, gonna stay single for life! >=3

and the only time you’ll see my sexuality showing at all is at night if you get what I’m puttin down.. heh heh >=}
 

MadKiyo

Imma bat in yer rafters
There is such thing as the split attraction model, being that sexual attraction is not the only form of attraction, the alter being romantic attraction, as well as other forms if you want to get specific. So sexual desire wouldn't be the only means of initiating an intimate relationship, nor does it define it.
I personally I identify as panromantic as well as asexual. Panromanticism being I can be romantically attracted regardless of who, just needs to be the right circumstances.
 

cam_ukemi

Closetmaster
There is such thing as the split attraction model, being that sexual attraction is not the only form of attraction, the alter being romantic attraction, as well as other forms if you want to get specific. So sexual desire wouldn't be the only means of initiating an intimate relationship, nor does it define it.
I personally I identify as panromantic as well as asexual. Panromanticism being I can be romantically attracted regardless of who, just needs to be the right circumstances.
I'm very happy to have read this because no one, literally NO ONE, has said this to me before. And, reading it, it makes sense. I had just never been exposed to this model before. Thank you!! ;v;
 

MadKiyo

Imma bat in yer rafters
I'm very happy to have read this because no one, literally NO ONE, has said this to me before. And, reading it, it makes sense. I had just never been exposed to this model before. Thank you!! ;v;
No problem! :D It's very handy as it lets us dive deeper into the nuances of relationships and gives things names for us to identify. The ancient Greeks even talked about these things describing different types of love, so split attractions is a very longstanding idea but with not much presence today unfortunately.
 

TyraWadman

The Brutally Honest Man-Child
I'm confused but it's probably because of my own ignorance with the many labels.
I'm hetero, only interested in the peen. But I only care for the peen if I'm in a relationship with them. Otherwise, it's back to fictional men. I'm not sure what makes it separate or not. Unless you mean like... 'sexy flirting' or something?
 

MadKiyo

Imma bat in yer rafters
These kinds of labels seem fairly pointless to me, but i like to keep things simple.

Personality's what matters, not what someone has between their legs, and sex without some sense of intimacy/romance is one of the most boring things i can think of.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Their use as labels isn't as important as it is using them as a means of communicating how you feel, which can relieve confusion and help you find people that understand you. Ideally these things shouldn't have to be used, but in a world of diverse minds and bodies constantly misunderstanding each other, it helps to get creative and create ways to describe things you experience.
 

MaelstromEyre

Slippery When Wet
I am not super romantic, in the sense of being really into "doing romantic things" like candle lit dinners and holding hands. But, I also have to have some kind of affection and feelings for someone in order to be sexually interested in them as well.

I'm not someone who forms relationships, even friendships, very quickly. There are some people I warm up to faster, usually because we have the same deranged sense of humor, but it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough with someone that I trust they will "get" me and my weirdness.

My partner and I have been together over 12 years, living together for over ten of those years, and we joke that "the romance is over."

I think that a lot of the emphasis on "romance" is more of an infatuation thing, a new couple trying to impress each other. This phase I'm in now, though. . .it's comfortable.
 

Muttmutt

Absolute Menace
Just a faggot over here!

Kidding, mostly. I don’t know. I’m in a MLM relationship (gay). I’ve been in relationships with women too. I’m probably bisexual or pansexual. Or whatever new term there is to describe it this year. To be honest, I don’t care. I’d date anyone: male, female, transgender, intersex, etc. I’m sexually attracted to basically all sexes/genitals and romantically attracted to some specific attributes. If a person fulfills those “needs” of mine (romantically) then that’s all I care about.
 

Yakamaru

Spookdogg
I thank you all for the interest in the topic. I am not sure if I even want these labels, wondering if I was the only one who were a tad conflicted on these issues. Though I don't want to come off as if I'd just outright reject you either if you ever felt a certain way about me. I have no issues accepting how you feel, although I may not necessarily be able to reciprocate those feelings. I am not one who would ever judge you if you felt a certain way about someone, as emotions work in rather weird and mysterious ways.

Been wondering if I am at least bi-curious, or Demisexual following the Demiromantic. That certain criteria have to be filled before I may open to the possibility of physical attraction or at least being open to physical interactions I normally wouldn't with other guys. The only way I understand things properly is through my own fingertips, my own limbs and my own senses, attractions and other factors being dependent on my understanding of how things work from the real world. Though I am open to the prospect of a bit of experimentation, there are risks involved, as well as the possibility of finding out that I don't find men physically attractive after said experimentation. But I want to know, and before I will set out to find out I first want to deal with all this emotional turmoil that's raging on inside of me.

I value bonds above all else. I've been open to the idea of a romantic relationship with a select few people that I am very close to for a decent amount of time, but haven't really said anything up until recently out of fear of not wanting to possibly damage or alter the bonds that I have. They are too valuable as friends for me to think about wanting to hurt them in any way, especially in this manner. Though I am one for emotional honesty, and the closer I got the higher the urge to be honest just.. increased to the point of being impossible to ignore. And you know what? I am glad I finally decided to be.. open about these things. It's given me new perspectives, understanding and just outright grown even more fond of a select few people(yes, you know who you are. Whether you want to be specific or not if you decide to enter this thread is up to you) whom I share a special bond with.

I opened this thread wondering if people had similar experiences or wanted to share their thoughts on the matter. I appreciate it.
 

Rimna

Well-Known Monkey
Been wondering if I am at least bi-curious, or Demisexual following the Demiromantic. That certain criteria have to be filled before I may open to the possibility of physical attraction or at least being open to physical interactions I normally wouldn't with other guys. The only way I understand things properly is through my own fingertips, my own limbs and my own senses, attractions and other factors being dependent on my understanding of how things work from the real world. Though I am open to the prospect of a bit of experimentation, there are risks involved, as well as the possibility of finding out that I don't find men physically attractive after said experimentation.

You know, this is something that I think of often. In my mind, I can see myself being attracted to guys but if it comes down to it - I am not sure I have it in me. Maybe? I don't know. I have no idea.
 

Pomorek

Hyena-Addicted Antelope
I was spared one thing. To humorously quote from Scooter, "Just like Hugh and his babies, I'm addicted to ladies". There was never any problem with doubts or uncertainties about this.

But beyond that, I can't say I really "handled" anything. Things were happening to me when and how they wanted and I had no power to make anything different.

In my youth I was plain fugly and painfully awkward. A clinical case of Forever Alone(tm). But as - after all the pain it caused me, and my whole depressive twenties - I practically settled for a lifetime loneliness, I basically ran into my soulmate.

What came after looks like an impossible wild ride in retrospect. We turned a freakishly improbable LDR into a happy marriage, and forged strong relationship out of our deeply wounded, quirky selves. It's funny to think that when viewed from the outside, it must look like enormous amount of work and effort - but it never felt like this to me. There was just a sequence of The Right Things To Do, and I simply followed.

I never got to make the choice about physical interaction without emotional engagement, but purely theoretically, I don't think I'd go for it. It's not even matter of arousal or physical attraction alone, they can be there - but the whole concept doesn't feel interesting for me, on conscious levels. And I suppose that even if I'd go for it regardless, the emotional engagement would follow quickly. I'm soft-hearted like that.
 

Yakamaru

Spookdogg
You know, this is something that I think of often. In my mind, I can see myself being attracted to guys but if it comes down to it - I am not sure I have it in me. Maybe? I don't know. I have no idea.
I already know I am open to romantic relationships. Depending on the person I most likely wouldn't even hesitate, ending up as a very, very happy wolf. My.. platonic(close friend) form of love and affection having the room to expand and becoming something even bigger and greater to that of genuine love. Though would the guy be accepting of a romantic-only relationship? From my observations at least it would at least give people pause and make them hesitant, reluctant. The few I am open to about this already know I am hesitant as well. There are things I just wouldn't be able to provide, and would it be appropriate of me to ask them to give something up if we are to have such a relationship?

Of course I am more open to women on the physical front, though from a romantic perspective I don't really mind who it is as long as we have that strong emotional bond.

There is a guy over here I can very slowly experiment a little with, though I want to calm things down internally first before I do anything whatsoever. Don't like the idea of coming off as if I am toying with people, nor the idea of hurting people in this manner.
 

Ziggy Schlacht

Hasn't figured out this "straight" business
I've always felt that as soon as you start applying "demi" to an orientation, you're getting specific without adding clarity. Who are you comparing to? I could say I'm demi-sexual compared to Hugh Heffner, but a positive horndog compared to Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. You apply that to romantic, and now I'm properly confused. It's described as "not having romantic feelings for someone unless you have a strong emotional connection" which seems a bit redundant as by virtue of having romantic feelings for someone you have a strong emotional connection.

And I say this because lots of people get caught up trying to find the right term they lose track of what they're trying to get at. Something about forest and trees, or I guess can't see the rainbow through the colors? OP, you're using a lot of words to describe something I'd cover with "bicurious but nervous about a relationship." This shit is hard, nothing to feel bad over. But also nothing to spend loads of effort trying to find the right 18 blended latin and greek words over either.

Now to answer OP's question, I don't differentiate "romance" and "sexual attraction" because I find getting that specific tends to get muddied far too much with society to clearly state the two are objectively separate. I've slept with guys, but never dated one. And I know, in part, it's because I'm not sure how willing I am to deal with society's BS over it. The larger portion was finding a guy I wanted to actually date. Take that as you will, but I would never describe myself as hetero-romantic and bisexual, I'm just bisexual and haven't dated a guy. This may look hetero-romantic, particularly given the reluctance part, but it's not based in an inability to form such a connection. It's based on dealing with society.
 

Troj

Your Friendly Neighborhood Dino Therapist
I'm not entirely clear what people mean by "romance," honestly--so, I probably equate romance with sexual attraction?

I will say that I will often get stage fright/cold feet or become exceptionally cautious when it seems like I've managed to attract actual romantic/sexual interest, or when an encounter or a relationship might be within grasp. I am sometimes overly worried about attracting creepy, excessive, or negative attention, which sometimes puts a damper on my sexual self-expression and spontaneity.
 

Yakamaru

Spookdogg
I've always felt that as soon as you start applying "demi" to an orientation, you're getting specific without adding clarity. Who are you comparing to? I could say I'm demi-sexual compared to Hugh Heffner, but a positive horndog compared to Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. You apply that to romantic, and now I'm properly confused. It's described as "not having romantic feelings for someone unless you have a strong emotional connection" which seems a bit redundant as by virtue of having romantic feelings for someone you have a strong emotional connection.

And I say this because lots of people get caught up trying to find the right term they lose track of what they're trying to get at. Something about forest and trees, or I guess can't see the rainbow through the colors? OP, you're using a lot of words to describe something I'd cover with "bicurious but nervous about a relationship." This shit is hard, nothing to feel bad over. But also nothing to spend loads of effort trying to find the right 18 blended latin and greek words over either.

Now to answer OP's question, I don't differentiate "romance" and "sexual attraction" because I find getting that specific tends to get muddied far too much with society to clearly state the two are objectively separate. I've slept with guys, but never dated one. And I know, in part, it's because I'm not sure how willing I am to deal with society's BS over it. The larger portion was finding a guy I wanted to actually date. Take that as you will, but I would never describe myself as hetero-romantic and bisexual, I'm just bisexual and haven't dated a guy. This may look hetero-romantic, particularly given the reluctance part, but it's not based in an inability to form such a connection. It's based on dealing with society.
One of the reasons I started this thread was so people can chime in and their perspectives on the topic. I appreciate the input.

I am not sure if biromantic or even Demiromantic apply to be honest, though they the closest I can find to try and describe my understanding of myself. I separate romantic and sexual aspects as the latter are something of which gives me pause. I am not even sure if I want to be intimate with someone else in such a manner as the thought is on occasion a little uncomfortable. Probably bicurious, which is why I want to find out at least.

Also got linked this by a friend of mine earlier today too. Homo-, bi- and asexuality seems to be rather prevalent among people with Autism(nearly 70%), which have given me a lot of relief. Felt I was some sort of sexuality freak that had come out of Chernobyl or something, so glad that is not the case. Explains quite a lot actually considering all the other Autistic people I know are either bi, gay or asexual. Wouldn't mind knowing the causal link(s) if possible.
 
D

Deleted member 144185

Guest
I have actually never dated a guy before but I will find someone someday that I will want to be with.
 

Muttmutt

Absolute Menace
One of the reasons I started this thread was so people can chime in and their perspectives on the topic. I appreciate the input.

I am not sure if biromantic or even Demiromantic apply to be honest, though they the closest I can find to try and describe my understanding of myself. I separate romantic and sexual aspects as the latter are something of which gives me pause. I am not even sure if I want to be intimate with someone else in such a manner as the thought is on occasion a little uncomfortable. Probably bicurious, which is why I want to find out at least.

Also got linked this by a friend of mine earlier today too. Homo-, bi- and asexuality seems to be rather prevalent among people with Autism(nearly 70%), which have given me a lot of relief. Felt I was some sort of sexuality freak that had come out of Chernobyl or something, so glad that is not the case. Explains quite a lot actually considering all the other Autistic people I know are either bi, gay or asexual. Wouldn't mind knowing the causal link(s) if possible.
You’re not a freak for not being a heterosexual. There’s nothing wrong with having a complicated sexuality or being LGBT. Autism - though correlated - doesn’t need to be connected to make you “normal.”
 

Ziggy Schlacht

Hasn't figured out this "straight" business
One other point to consider is western society has fucked up, and I mean it, the perception of male relationships. Looking for a close, but ultimately platonic, bond with another guy should not be so abnormal as to be it's own distinct orientation. But it clearly is, because you're thinking about it in that context. Yet if you go look at Korea, you'll see guys in each other's arms, hanging on one another, etc. in a far more romantic manner than would ever be accepted in the west. I'd hazard that were we all Korean, this conversation may not even be happening.

And that's why I don't think attempting to work out romantic attraction as distinct from physical attraction is worth doing because you run head long into cultural expectations that mess with it. I mean, we could go farther and apply this to sexuality as well. Western society sees bisexuality as abnormal, because it's defaulted to heterosexuality as normal. However, had say Ancient Greek culture lasted until now, we'd probably see heterosexuality as weird because everyone was just doing everyone back then.
 
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