This is cute.
Excuse me if I'm repeating.
Considering a rewrite is unrealistic, FA needs some adjustments to maintain itself and streamline its output. These might include:
Elimination of notifications in favour of a feed.
Pruning of shouts when more than 30 have been made, per userpage.
Loading comments dynamically beyond the initial 100.
Removal of no-content, no-login accounts after 2 years.
A number of revisions and small optimizations like this could make all the difference.