History (Part 2)
Tenso wasn’t much of a talker, and he didn’t mind silence, however the Fox was exact opposite, he couldn’t stand a minute of silence in someone's company so he began talking and didn’t stop all throughout their recovery. Tenso soon learned that the Foxes name was Andrew, he was a professional photographer from america, visiting Japan for the first time, 20 years old and still single, mostly because he was gay and gay americans were the worst. This was all disclosed in the first 30 minutes of conversation, or rather, a monolog. Tenso was weirded out by how open Andrew was, but he just assumed that all Americans are that way, introduced himself and briefly explained how he ended up here, all in English (his parents thought him both Japanese and English from a young age). Andrew was shocked by the fluency of Tensos English and quickly made a lot of assumptions and connections, he was good at reading people and most of his assumptions turned out to be true.
“Let me guess...” Andrew spoke softly, with traces of empathy in his voice, and all the while looking Tenso directly with gentle expression. He then proceeded to describe Tensos life broadly, however with earrie and unsettling accuracy. Tenso listened but couldn’t find strength to look at Andrew, he just stared at a random dot on his bed, all the while blushing and clinging onto his bedsheets, as if letting them go ment losing his identity. Andrews soft voice, full of compassion was the only reason Tenso didn’t interrupt him, even though he felt as if his whole existence was being attacked. Andrew really knew how to handle different people. “...And now you are feeling attacked,perhaps scared... and that is normal, anyone would feel that way, but you are not stopping me even though you want to, why?” The question was never meant to be answered by Tenso as he didn't have the answer, the question was aimed at making Tenso think that he does. Tenso lowered his guard, loosened the grip on his bedsheets and looked towards Andrew with corner of his eye, ready to answer (even though he didn’t know what to answer) but got interrupted instead; “Because you know I just want to help you”.
Andrew stopped talking and let the silence fill the room, giving Tenso room to breathe, relax and sort out his feelings. The room was silent and motionless for a minute or so. Tenso felt divided on the inside, but Andrews words somehow echoed through his head, guiding him in the vortex of emotions he felt, pointing away from the darkness and doubt. Tenso finally found courage to look Andrew directly into eyes and was ready to say something, anything actually, as he didn’t know what to say but was once again interrupted by Andrew who patiently waited for this moment. “Don’t get me wrong kid, Im doing this for myself, I like to talk and I can’t have you sitting silently for weeks, id go crazy” said Andrew, hinting with his voice and expression that he is part serious and part joking. They both laughed, Tenso for the first time in a long time.
During the next two weeks, the two of them became close. Andrew mostly talked about his professional achievements and all the countries he had been in and subtly encouraged Tenso to ask questions. He occasionally asked Tenso personal details about his past, his dreams and aspirations. Tenso was open about some of it but sometimes reluctant to which Andrew responded by revealing a nasty or embarrassing detail from his past, helping Tenso open up when he otherwise wouldn't.
The only topic they never mentioned was sexuality, even though Andrew’s sudden and random confession got stuck somewhere in the back of Tensos mind. It bothered him because he himself was gay, however, he never had enough courage to admit that to himself, even less to someone else. Japan was mostly homophobic, and somehow, Tenso managed to convince himself that his feelings weren’t real and that they would pass, he didn’t want to give others another reason to bully him, he stood out enough as it was. He denied them for so long in his childhood that he forgot he had them, that is, until he saw members of his team in the showers, which suddenly made those feelings overflow him.
Two days before Tenso was to make a full recovery and was to be discharged, Andrew proposed a walk through the park. They had both recovered enough to be able to leave the building at their own whims. After a short walk, and a pleasant, friendly conversation, Andrew proposed that they sit down, his expression and tone of voice were slightly heavier than usually. A bit reluctant, Tenso sat down on a bench and Andrew followed. A short silence shrouded them and Tenso was now aware enough of socialization to know it became awkward.
“So…” he tried to break the silence but Andrew stopped him “I know you are gay…” he said with somewhat sad tone. Tenso was caught by surprise and his initial reaction was backing of and creating distance between the two, he wanted to say something, deny it, but he couldn’t find the words, he did blush though. Andrew looked him in the eyes, with a look Tenso never saw before and couldn’t understand. “Listen… I knew from the start, I saw the way you looked at that Tiger friend of yours…” he paused to let Tenso speak, or react, or anything, but Tenso was, in a sense broken. He couldn’t speak, or even move for that matter, he was in utter shock as his deepest secret, a part of him he would prefer didn’t exist was brought into daylight, into reality.
Andrew knew how Tenso felt, after all he had been through the same denial, and he sort of expected such an reaction, however this might have been more than he could chew, he might have screwed up their friendship. “Look, I know what you are going through, I had been in the same situation.” He reached out his hand, trying to touch Tensos hand in sympathy, but Tenso retracted his hand and snapped out of his shock. “You… you don’t know anything...” Tenso muttered below his voice, stood up and bolted back into the hospital, not even turning around. Once he entered his, or rather theirs room, he simply laid into the bed and covered himself completely with blanket. He spent hours like that, simply thinking, examining himself and recreating the scenario. His thoughts were interrupted once Andrew, who was wandering aimlessly until now, entered the room.
Hearing Andrew enter made Tenso curl up a bit more as he was not yet ready to face him, and Andrew, seeing the reaction, wanted to back away or say something, but couldn’t do either. Tenso soon managed to reason with himself, he left his blanket fortress, which now just seemed childish to him and sat on the bed, with his back turned towards Andrew, as he was not ready to face him, and by extension, himself. Andrew was torn between approaching him and staying where he was because it seemed like Tenso left space for him to sit, and despite having his back turned, seemed to be inviting him. In reality, Tenso was doing both, inviting and rejecting, pulling closer and pushing away, however he did none of that consciously, his body was simply expressing how he felt. Andrew didn’t know what to do, he just knew that he should not say a thing.
A brief silence felt like an hour to both of them, but it was soon broken. “I…. Shouldn’t have reacted that way…” Tenso said silently, trying to hide the fact that his voice was shivering. Andrew noticed that Tensous body relaxed, ever so slightly, and saw it as sign that it was ok to approach him. He slowly began walking towards Tensou, almost without making a sound, and once he reached his side, he was able to see Tensous face, simultaneously deformed by anger and sorrow. He slowly sat close next to him, on a part of bed that almost seemed reserved precisely for this, and looked at Tensous face from a different angle, from which he was able to see traces of tears sliding down his cheek, and his teeth grinding against each other in an effort not make a sound.
Andrew still couldn’t find anything to say, he wanted to apologize for taking such approach, but in hindsight, he approached the best way he could. Then, should he not have done anything at all? No, from the moment he met Tenso he fell in love with him, and set his mind on helping him… accept himself. Andrew realised that this was necessary, for Tensous own good, and he realized that Tenso knows it too. He proceeded to do the only thing left to do, he placed his arm on Tensos further shoulder, leaned his head on the closer one and placed his other arm on Tensos clutched fist. They stayed like that for a moment which felt awfully long and painful. Andrew felt that the grip of Tensous clutched fist suddenly loosened, which made him search for his eyes. Although teary, Tensous eyes were clear, steady, confident. Andrew extended his paw and placed it on Tensous cheek, used it to turn his head slightly and gently towards his own and gave him a kiss.