Critique: Tf story, Looking for Input

[Gwayne]

www.furaffinity.net: River Child by Bec66

I’d like some more feedback on my work and if possible I’d like to know where I could find a writing tutor.

 

[Yumi~]

I thought it was a pretty solid story. If I had any critiques, they would be:
1) the writing felt a little stiff and overly wordy in some places
2) there was a lot of buildup for not getting to spend much time as a kappa, or to understand what it felt like to be a kappa

 

[Gwayne]

Thanks for the reply
1) Could you maybe point to specific passages that you found stiff or wordy?
2) I tend to structure the story so the actual tf is the climax after that I tend to try wrapping things up. Perhaps instead I should write a story where the tf happens by the end of act 1 and the rest of the story is about adapting. What are your thoughts on that?

 

[Yumi~]

1) For example, “I hadn’t really known grandpa very well. Sure I loved seeing him whenever he visited for the holidays or when I got to visit him during the summer but, I still barely knew him. I knew at least that he loved this statue.” seems like it could be trimmed considerably, or “The statue was stuck in pretty deep but after just a few minutes I’d gotten it loose enough to safely pull it out. As I did so I heard a small thump come from the hole. Worried a part of the statue broke off I looked in.” also feels a bit wordy and stiff, like it could be condensed for a smoother flow.
As for 2), I think that sounds like a great idea and I’d love to read it. Perhaps that’s just my taste, but I feel like the adaptation is a good part of the fun, especially when the change is unexpected.

 

[Gwayne]

Maybe instead:

• “I didn’t know Grandpa very well, even though I would visit every summer. Still, I knew he loved that statue at the very least. (Shorter passage that gives pretty much all the same information as the original.)
• After just a few minutes of digging the statue came loose. Carefully, I pulled it up. Then there was a thump from the hole. I immediately peeked into the hole, hoping it wasn’t a broken piece of the statue. (The action is put at the front, while still highlighting that it’s really important to him the statue doesn’t break.)

 

[Yumi~]

I think those are significant improvements!